Christmas lies just around the bend…

As per usual, I did not write a post for this Finish The Sentence Friday crowd in time to post it when it went live last night, and decided instead to kill 12 minutes at work doing it. Yay for me, right?! Is As per usual even a real saying?

This week’s riveting sentence starter is another twofer! It’s no coincidence, I’m guessing, that they are both holiday related.

The sentences are *drum roll noise* you’re thinking about Clark Griswold about to plug in the lights now aren’t you? I am. Are you now? *drum roll noise* the sentences to be finished are either: This holiday season I will… or My favorite Christmas tradition is…

Oh, what to write about.

By this point, everybody should know what my favorite Christmas tradition is, because it’s also my favorite birthday tradition as well as my favorite Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Valentine’s Day, Wednesday, opening day of the baseball season day, St. Nicholas Day, Tuesday, Martin Luther King Day, Thursday, New Year’s Eve, Kwanza Day, Election Day, Friday, Wife’s Birthday and Saturday and Sunday tradition as well.

You don’t know for real still?

Here’s a hint:

Best.Tradition.Ever

Best.Tradition.Ever

While traditions like getting hammered to make family members more tolerable are great fun, I’d rather go with the This holiday season I will… sentence instead.

Firstly, I celebrate Christmas, so that’s what I’m going to say instead of holiday season. I’m also lazy, and Christmas is shorter and easier to type than holiday season, even though I just typed holiday season again. Fuck, I did it again!

Anyway…

This Christmas I will…lie. Lie a lot.

“What?” You say. Lie on your fat ass?

No, but a Christmas nap would be awesome! I remember the last nap I had in 2003, just prior to Ace being born. It was fabulous, but that’s not how I will lie this Christmas.

In order to keep the Christmas spirit alive, I will be breaking one of the Lord’s commandments over and over again in honor of Jesus’s birthday. Is thou shall not lie even a commandment? For some reason I have it in my head that it is, but I’m not going to Google it in case I’m wrong mistaken.

Even if we chalk up the whole Santa concept as a ruse instead of a lie, there are lies that must be told to keep the ruse alive.

Santa is watching you.

You better behave or Santa won’t bring you any toys.

Santa’s elves can’t pull titanium out of their asses, dear, so they have no way to make an iPad so why don’t you ask for a stupid wooden train or something instead?

“Daddy, what are all these boxes that I keep tripping over in the foyer?” The kids will ask at some point while pointing to a pile of boxes.

ab

Screw you, going to a store in person!

“Those are boxes.” I reply.

“We know that. That’s what we said. What’s in the boxes?” They’ll persist.

“Those are for other people, kids. We’re holding them. That’s why we just let them sit there instead of taking the goods out and putting them somewhere that would allow me to avoid this conversation altogether.”

“This one says G$ and the rest have mommy’s name on them.” Ace continues.

“Fuck! They can read now, can’t they?”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes, we can read. I can anyway.” Ace says.

“Fuck! That was supposed to be my inside voice,” I say to her. “Ignore that sentence as well as the one I just said, ok?”

Ace nods.

You’re pretty smooth, Don, I think to myself.

“G$ has a box from his godfather because his godfather won’t see him this Christmas since he sucks ass and probably won’t leave Washington state. The others are mommy’s uh…… stuff for her……..um, for her… thing. Her thing that she, uh…. OH LOOK, THE DOG IS LICKING HER BUTTHOLE!!” I stammer while pointing at the dog as she stares at me like I’m an idiot.

I am so totally  not licking my butthole.

I am so totally not licking my butthole.

Then I’ll fake sneeze and make my way into the other room, far far away from the boxes that don’t have Christmas gifts for the kids in them because Santa takes care of that.

The kids will follow me and they’ll notice this prick.

Haha Don, you suck at moving me.

“Look daddy, Rocco is still in the lamp.”

“What’s your point?”

“He hasn’t moved in three days.” Ace says.

“Yeah, what’s up with that elf, dad?” Cool will chime in.

“I wanna pretzel an a milk, dadda.” G$ will say, because he likes to be included.

Ugh.

Best.Tradition.Ever

Best.Tradition.Ever

“You see kids, Rocco is an elf with magic powers, and elves have a duty to report what….hahaha, I said duty!!”

Blank stares from the kids.

Best.Tradition.Ever

Best.Tradition.Ever

“You see, Carly has been sleeping in the living room, right?”

“Right,” the little turds are on to me, I’m sure of it.

“The elves’ magic is only good for getting them to and from the North Pole and for keeping their toy making tools in….huh, ha…hahaha, I said tools!”

Blank stares from the kids.

Best.Tradition.Ever

Best.Tradition.Ever

“Anyway, if the dog sees the elf moving, then the elf must leave the body it’s in and return to the North Pole. Does that make any sense?”

“No.” They all agree. “Not a bit of sense.”

“WELL….”

Best.Tradition.Ever

Best.Tradition.Ever

“Well, the elf isn’t actually this doll that you see, right? Do you understand that? A real elf is much larger and very, very hideous to look at. They’re not really ogres, but they’re gruesome looking troll like things.”

The kids look worried now and I have no idea where this is going.

“The elf on the Hobbit movie and the Lord of the Rings isn’t ugly.” Ace says.

“Pfffft! That’s a movie, Ace. That’s make believe, dear.”

“This is real life elf shit here. Who wants to play the iPad or Wii?”

“Me me me me, they squeal.” They are once again distracted and uninterested in the truth about boxes and elves and other Christmas lies.

Alas, the boxes and probably the elf won’t be moved, however, and we’ll do this all over again tomorrow, which is Saturday. Thankfully, I have a Saturday tradition to help me cope…

Best.Tradition.Ever

Best.Tradition.Ever

Happy Holidays, all!

——————————————————————————————-This was another Finish the Sentence Friday post. Go give some love and thanks to our hostesses this week and read all the great posts:

SPECIAL GUEST CO-HOST: Lizzi from Considerings (TwitterFacebook)

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44 Responses to Christmas lies just around the bend…

  1. rynolexson says:

    You may lie a lot to your kids, but you’re damn good at it. I don’t know if it’s the beer talking or your genius mind, but it’s impressive.

    The rest of us can only aspire to lie the way that you do.

    -From a Liar-admirer.

  2. Katie says:

    HA! At least this is well-intentioned lying–not that it makes it any easier.

  3. bethteliho says:

    “look, the dog is licking his butthole” hahahah! Serioulsly, I just watched a Jon Steward video and laughed my ass off, and thought there’s no way I’m gonna laugh OUT LOUD at anything else like this today…and then BOOM! This has me ROLLING! I love the repeating photo of you drinking…hahah! Love this post. Oh, and I hate the fucking elf. You know this. UGH.

  4. Pingback: Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies | that cynking feeling

  5. Kerri says:

    It takes Christmas to wonder why we taught our kids to read and talk. Thank the Good Lord for Wine.

  6. lrconsiderer says:

    HA! I love, love, LOVE the kids’ blank stares when you try to make jokes for them. I get that off Niece and Neff all the time! Sucks! Especially when I’m actually TRYING to be funny!

    Cool post though, and kudos for all the incredibly blatant lying. I’m looking forward to hearing how you explain the sudden disappearance of the boxes when Santa magically arrives…

    And LOOK! You gave me a big shout-out. D’awwwwwwwh :D

  7. mistyslaws says:

    I browbeat my poor kid into writing a supplemental letter to Santa the other night because I was stopping at the post office the next day to mail it. Only one of those things I just wrote is not true. But yeah, I liked my ass off so he wouldn’t keep saying, “I’ll do it later” and gave an Oscar worthy frustrated mommy performance about him writing that damn letter NOW. (He kept saying he forgot to ask Santa for some stuff, and I told him to write another letter . . . 2 weeks ago). So, he finally wrote the letter. That I have. In my purse. But, at least it’s done. Now, where’s MY beer?

  8. A.J. Goode says:

    I hate that stupid elf. In my house, he’s been sitting on the celing fan for a week because my husband thought it was funny to put it up there and I am too damn short to reach. I think my kid is getting suspicious . . . .he told me this morning that those elves move around a lot more in houses with tall parents.

  9. Best. Tradition. Ever. INDEED!!!

  10. barbtaub says:

    Don, you completely suck at lying. You’re going to have to get a ton better before Ace hits those teen years… If I were you, I’d go with the title of your post, ad “er” to “around the bend”, and you’ve got Don’s holiday season I mean Christmas post nailed. You’re welcome.

  11. You just made me happy that my kids are still too little for the most part to read, but I am so lazy with the Elf, too and my 4 year old keeps asking me too daily why he hasn’t moved lately!! Seriously, nice to know I am not the only lazy one on the elf movement (or lack thereof) this year!

  12. lisleman says:

    Believe it or not someday in the future, you’ll miss your kids being little and asking about suspect boxes and elves. I don’t know the ages but soon your oldest will have the Santa truth discovery and you’ll need to figure how to keep the secret from being passed along to the younger one.

  13. Lizi says:

    Kids are so sharp when it comes to the possibility of receiving gifts. You gotta HIDE those boxes, man!

  14. mike says:

    I find the elf thing cool probably because my kids are grown and my oldest is the one doing it with my granddaughter. I don’t have to move that miserable thing around, I just get to hear and see the excitement from my granddaughter as she tells me were wilomena was today.

  15. First of all, I love your tradition. Like, love it to the point where I probably will start calling it my Christmas tradition. Secondly, I love that your kids use the word foyer. Move the damn elf, Don!

  16. Anonymous says:

    Finally, evidence of what it’s like to read about a grown man losing it. Adding lime to the best. tradition. ever. isn’t likely the magical elixir. Yet, if it helps to make elfdom more clear, I’m all for you doing your daddy duty. There, I said it too.

  17. The Cutter says:

    Here I was busy encouraging my daughter to learn how to read, and I didn’t consider the potential drawbacks of such a scenario.

  18. Pretty soon you’re going to have to buy that Bud Light Lime a ring, the way you’re going at her.

  19. Christina says:

    The same thing happens to me only it’s not nearly as amusing : )

  20. Blogdramedy says:

    I know I’m supposed to comment on the topic of this post but I’m more interested in what’s in your other hand? I always thought you were a two-fisted drinker. Or is that only on New Years Eve? *grin*

  21. findingninee says:

    Laughing my ass off. And I agree. Best. Tradition. Ever. Thanks for making me feel like less of an asshole because you’re even worse than I am with moving the boxes…oh…wait. We have no boxes, because I haven’t ordered anything yet. Guess I win the asshole award after all. Huh.

  22. Dana says:

    You know, I wouldn’t have thought that a photo of you chugging a beer would be funny the second, third, fourth and fifth time. Guess what? I giggled every time.

  23. Switch the beer for bottles and bottles of spiced wine, and you’ll have a holiday in the ditance future, where I ger hammered with my mom while the kids take care of the food :-)

  24. Laura Lynn says:

    This holiday season I will…put the outside lights up in the daytime. Which leads to ‘My favorite holiday tradition is…’ trying to put lights up outside on the coldest, wettest, windiest day of the year. Also it’s tradition to wait until it’s pitch black outside and I’ve got no idea where the dog is so I’m sure to step on him. Traditionally I like to also have several rum and eggnogs and then quit half way through, so the lights just hang there for several days, partly up and partly down. Ah, Christmas is so wonderful. It’s almost dark so I’d better get at it.

  25. Your tradition rocks, but it sounds like you’ve committed to some pretty lofty goals over there. Santa is a big one, but the elf really f’s it all up! Good luck keeping all of your balls in the air. (I think the Christmas tradition is to start earlier than every other “holiday” of the year.)

  26. basicallyb says:

    Yeah sounds like it’ll be hard to keep the Santa ruse up. Especially when they can read. I don’t think I’ll ever do the elf tradition. It creeps ME out!

  27. flyingplatypi says:

    I actually had to set a reminder in my phone to move that stupid elf. Once I told the kids that I tried to steal her Xmas magic by touching her. She couldn’t move for a week until Santa sent some other elves on a recon mission. Now, whenever I forget, I tell them I can’t help my addiction to xmas magic.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  28. 1jaded1 says:

    F*cking hilarious in so many ways. I’ve never heard of the moving elf til I moved to the department I’m at now. They call him Jack, here.

    My older nieces and nephews are threatened with no presents, if they tell the younger ones.

    Yay for the season. I hope you and your family have a safe and happy one.

  29. I hated it when the kids learned to read,,,and count. Cause then they count who has how many presents. I have the same xmas tradition but it comes in a box with a wine glass ;)

  30. SO hilarious! I hate that elf too. I went and moved him this morning at 8 am, after all my kids were awake because my husband failed to do his one job before coming to bed last night! I usually move the stupid thing, but I asked him to do it once. Yeah, something told me when I woke up that he didn’t, and sure enough, it was still in the same stupid place! As if lying about santa wasn’t enough, I wonder how many additional lies that stupid elf has caused in the “spirit of Christmas”.
    I totally laughed at the Amazon boxes. I refuse to shop for things in person unless absolutely necessary!!

  31. Haha great post! I love how you use lots of dialogue in your writing. I remember having a nap too back in the dark ages Before Children (BC?), circa 2004. It’s a bummer in some ways when you realise they known how to read, isn’t it? Definitely makes it harder to lie! Hope you have a wonderful holiday season and even manage to fit in a good lie down in there somewhere :)

  32. ksujulie says:

    I am always a fan of seeing how drunk I can get without anyone noticing. I need to try Bud Light Lime too…I’m so behind on the times.

  33. And I thought I had the market cornered on creative explanations (aka grandma’s a liar!). Doggie licking butthole is called ‘cleaning the basement’ in our house.. butthole word makes me … ewwww not want to eat brownies and I love brownies.. oh, now I’ve typed it and I may not love brownies anymore. Why not have your neighbors, family, take delivery of all those boxes next year? maybe they’ll feel bad for you and wrap them too??? hmmmmm, now there’s something to mull over.. not quite lie but ….

  34. Anonymous says:

    I’m lying around (cocktail in hand even though they say you’re not supposed to mix pain drugs and alcohol…another conspiracy if you ask me) recuperating from hip surgery. LMAO at this blog. Made my day. Merry Christmas Don!

  35. Kathleen says:

    Whoops…did not intend to leave an ANONYMOUS comment…it’s me! Kathleen O’Donnell

  36. mollytopia says:

    Hahaha Don – kids get harder to fool every year. Good luck – looks like your holidays are off to a great start!

  37. Jean says:

    I support your over-use of that selfie because it’s an awesome one. Also, I suck at the Santa lie. My son is 4 and I’m pretty sure he’s already just playing along with me to get the presents.

  38. Aussa Lorens says:

    This is hilarious, I can’t wait to have children and be able to get in on this Best. Tradition. Ever.

  39. OK got it… When you and your kids are eating dinner have someone “show up” And take the boxes out of the house… OH So and so is here for the boxes… OK honey! The elf on the shelf has not moved because he’s SUPER comfortable and I’d like to say. . . This is why MOMMY is in charge…
    HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

  40. Claire Duffy says:

    I was around six when I found a stash of Christmas presents hidden in the cupboard under the stairs, that looked suspiciously like the sorts of things Santa would be bringing me. I remember distinctly sitting down in the hallway to consciously convince myself that my parents had bought presents for a different six year old girl, maybe Santa didn’t know where that little girl lived so my parents were just helping out.

  41. Hey Don! Happy Christmas and thanks for all the giggles during the year. Made life in Saudi Arabia that much more bearable.
    Have you seen this one? Assume the story caught your eye on account of the day job etc – http://www.her.ie/celeb/epic-police-chief-writes-an-open-letter-to-kanye-west/

    Take care & looking forward to what the keyboard will throw up in 2014. Adios!

  42. canigetanotherbottleofwhine says:

    Don’t ever stop blogging, you always make me laugh. The comments on all the pictures, the conversations with your kids, the lies – all hilarious!!

  43. PinotNinja says:

    BLL and video games fix every situation.

    If there ever was an important family holiday lesson, that is it right there.

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