The other day, I wasted a good half an hour putting together a post that sort of summed up our Christmas break and rehashed my life in 2013. I was going through each month, sort of reliving my life through blog posts. While I was amused at what I read, it quickly dawned on me that others would probably find it to be a bunch of self-serving crap. It became too link laden (I dislike more than one or two links in blog posts, and even then…) so I punted it to the draft folder with the 70 other posts that will almost certainly never make the varsity squad.
I read several blog posts instead, in the hope that something would inspire me.
Of course, there were many about New Year’s resolutions, so I figured, what the hell, I’ll try that.
I cracked open a Bud Light Lime and wondered what my resolutions for 2014 would be.
I thought about not drinking beer, but that thought came to me as I was lustfully gulping from the bottle of beer I’d just opened, so that one was out in a hurry.
Then I thought about curbing my foul language, at least a little bit. That sounded great in theory, until I muttered out loud, “you’re a fucking idiot, Don; you can’t do that.”
I was right about that. I mean, I do have to drive to get where I need to go, and the kids are at me to play this new Super Mario Bros. game. Have you ever played this? Playing the game alone is pretty annoying. Playing it with a ten year old girl and a four year old boy makes it super fucking annoying. A game has not brought out such animosity among DOAT family members since the awful card game Phase 10.
We fight over who gets the mushrooms or the flower or the penguin suit and then all the characters get into each others’ way and it goes downhill pretty fast.
I’m not proud of myself, but I may have actually used Mario to pick up Cool’s Luigi and killed him by throwing him into a pit while shouting, “Fuck you Luigi you guido piece of shit!” Cool thought it was the funniest thing ever, but I’m moderately ashamed of my behavior in hind sight.
Before I’d ever played the game, I’d scolded Ace a few times about how she was talking to Cool while they played, but I get it now, Ace. I get it.
I was about to just say screw it all with the resolutions when I realized that it was pretty nice outside. By nice, I mean it was nice enough to go jogging without having to wear 47 layers of clothing, so I did that. I ran 7 miles and felt pretty darned good afterwards.
Since drinking beer rules and English is my second language behind Vulgar, a fitness goal will have to suffice. I like the word goal rather than resolution because it seems more tangible.
Regular readers know that weight loss is something that I kick around from time to time, ever since Cool called me fat one morning and this was put in front of my eyeballs, courtesy of a neighbor.
By avoiding a scale or mirrors while nude, it was pretty easy to convince myself that I looked fine, but there’s no getting around this here fella above being a mastodon instead of a healthy don. Ha, see what I did there?
The good news is that since this epic picture was taken, I’ve mostly eaten better and have jogged somewhere near 300 miles. In spite of abusing myself with beer and junk food for three “holiday” weeks, I’m still 20 pounds lighter than I was in this picture, and more importantly, I feel much better. I’m down to my last belt loop and confidently bought a pair of jeans a couple inches smaller around the waist than I’ve been buying.
Even so, there is still much to be done. My goal for January 1, 2015 is to have my fat ass under 200 pounds again. It’s been over a decade since I was there, but it’s where I’m meant to be. I’m not built to be big.
By going straight to a New Year’s post, I feel as though I’ve missed out on sharing a Christmas wrap up, so here’s what Christmas has brought to our house.
Here is Ace with her face in her new iPad mini (it happened, I know we suck, right?) while Cool watches.
Here Cool has said, “fuck that noise, I’ll join her.”
Here we are just Daddy and the kids out to breakfast. Oh look, Ace is iPadding still. Is that a word?
Here are all the grandkids at grandma’s house. You get the idea yet?
It’s not as bad as it seems. Sometimes they stop to eat and to play the awful Wii game I mentioned above.
Having blown my wad on the aforementioned electronic devices that Santa was unable to produce for various reasons, saving money is also on the list of 2014 to do’s. With that in mind, step one is that the DOAT clan will be kicking cable to the curb for at least six months. I’m interested to see how long we last before resorting to violence.
I hope all your hopes, goals, whatevers for 2014 come true for you and your family. To those of you who made 2013 so much online fun, thank you!!
Wish me luck!
*Holy cow, this post is under 1000 words! You’re welcome!