Monday funday tale of the dented garage…with pics cuz words are hard!

Oh my Lord…sitting in this chair typing a post is much more relaxing than being at that nasty gym again.

One of the many, many things that sucks ass about working out is that it’s supposed to be a part of your “lifestyle” in order for it to make any difference. Apparently, going once or twice a month, or even once a week isn’t going to cut it.

That’s total horseshit. I should be able to reap the benefits of my two good workouts last week for at least a month, but instead, in order to not feel like a bloated piece of fuck later tonight after I pound some beers on my couch, I have to go workout yet again today. Please wish me luck to make that happen.

Anyway, even though it’s Monday, today is actually my Saturday. After seven straight days of work, I get to enjoy a fucking Monday and Tuesday off doing Monday and Tuesday things like take Ace to swimming lessons and maybe cutting the grass later on, if it doesn’t rain.

There are a million other chores that need to be done around the house as well.

We’ve become “those people” on our street.

Do you know “those people?”

“Those people” are sort of like “that relative” that we all have. Those people can be the neighbors that everyone else sort of rolls their eyes at when they pass by.

Their grass is often too long. Their dogs bark way too often. They drink beer in their driveway.

…on Monday

…at 10:39 AM.

Yeah, it's Monday morning. Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, it’s sooooo good though.

You can sometimes identify “those people” by their vehicles.

They may own cars that have lost a hub cap and just decided to say, “fuck it” to spending $8 to replace it. Maybe, if they’re lucky, the other ones will fall off and it’ll bring symmetry to the family roadster once again.

Ole Girl!

Ha, this is an old pic because that front hub cap is long gone!

Those people also like to keep some vehicles on blocks or just a jack, like me.

Sigh....yup, we're "those people."

Sigh….yup, we’re “those people.”

That was the front of our house this morning. No worries, kids, just don’t rock the car too roughly while your friend is hiding underneath it.

You may have noticed that our garage door has a giant fucking dent in it.

That’s very astute of you.

No, no, I didn’t come home from happy hour one evening and use the garage door as my brakes, but thanks for going there, jerk.

Another, to remain unnamed person, but who lives in my house and is of driving age and has a uterus and is called mommy sometimes by the kids, left the boys unattended in the aforementioned hubcapless van while it was running for all of 58 seconds before Cool came inside prattling on about the van and the garage door.

“What are you saying, Cool?” Asks Mommy.

“Gman…uh, yeah, Gman did something and the van is trying to roll through the garage door. Yeah, Gman did it.” Cool says.

“What?!” Asks mommy.

“I know, right!?? It’s all Gman’s fault though!” Assures Cool.

I was all WTF, Gman!??

I was all WTF, Gman!??

So then daddy is all, “What?”

What?

What?

And then daddy was all, “how?”

How?

How?

And then Cool is all, “Look at my face, daddy. I couldn’t have done it.”

Look at me not ever doing anything bad, daddy.

Look at me not ever doing anything bad, daddy.

WTF?

Remember this?

307427_10200561081299760_766907713_n

Look how happy I am…

298739_10151825785706542_1550411151_n

Yup…still smilin…

And then daddy’s all, “Really?”

For real? It was Gman?

For real? It was Gman?

And Cool is all, “Really, daddy. Look at him.”

He isn't smiling.

He isn’t smiling.

And again.

See whos being good, daddy?

See who’s being good, daddy?

One last time?

He always breaks the rules, daddy.

He always breaks the rules, daddy.

So daddy’s all, GAGE DID IT?!!

GAGE!!

GAGE!!

And then mommy is all, “you’re an idiot. It was Cool.”

Et tu, mommy?

Et tu, mommy?

“Daddy is very tired from working all the time!” Says daddy to mommy.

“What were you thinking, Cool? Do you even have a brain?” I ask.

Where is your brain, son?

Where is your brain, son?

“I do have a brain, daddy. See? Mommy had me tested.”

The MRI confirms that yes, Cool has a brain.

The MRI confirms that yes, Cool has a brain.

“How many times have we told you to never play with the gear shift or anything else in the car while we leave you unattended with your three year old brother?” I ask.

“Never.”

“Have you ever told him not to drive the van, dear?” I ask. “Because now that he says that, I don’t think I have asked him to not drive our cars yet.”

“No, I’ve never told him to not drive the van.” Says Wife.

“Well then, you win this round, Cool, but please promise you won’t drive any motorized vehicle without consulting your mother or me first, okay?”

“Deal, daddy.”

 

 

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68 Responses to Monday funday tale of the dented garage…with pics cuz words are hard!

  1. djmatticus says:

    We were letting the Little Prince play in the car while it was parked in the garage for a while because a) it kept him contained while we got chores done in there and b) he got a hoot out of it. That changed when he figured out how to get the car out of first and in to neutral… and then started eyeballing the hand brake… No more car playtime for him.

    • They just love playing with that steering wheel, and that’s cool. It’s when the wheel becomes boring and they move on to other exciting buttons and levers that things go astray. Your time will come, my friend! Bwahahahahaha! Or something.

  2. mistyslaws says:

    That’s it, I’m calling the authorities . . .

    Don, go arrest your son! And your wife while you’re at it. Damn criminals.

    Although, I think it was probably Gage afterall. And Cool did not tell me to say that. Or give me one of your beers as a bribe. Or a cookie. Nope, none of those things happened. Look at my smiling face! :D

    • Well, in his defense, the entire incident occurred on private property, so he’s off the hook criminally. I’m still debating whether or not to sue him civilly though. You interested?

  3. Anonymous says:

    HAHA you are a cop and your kids are delinquents….shocking. Kidding, they are freaking adorbs. Love your use of selfies in this one, it was perfecto!

  4. Bwahahahaha! That’s a riot. Thankfully one was hurt in the process.

    • Nobody was hurt in the making of this post, no! Hopefully, it’s out of his system now so that the teen years are smooth sailing. Well, smooth sailing drive wise anyway.

  5. Melanie says:

    You mean kids don’t automatically know that it’s unsafe and illegal for them to operate a motor vehicle? Without adult supervision? Driveway or roadway?
    Well, shit.
    Guess it’s time I had The Talk with mine (see your FB post for evidence cuz I don’t know how to add a pic here).

    • I know, right? If you aren’t proactive and make sure they can’t do anything and everything, then they’ll never know the boundaries you expect them to stay within, right? Fuck, I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Lol. How have you been, by the way?

      • Melanie says:

        At least keeping the car on blocks means they can’t get it to go too far. Too bad you didn’t do that before the garage incident. lol!
        All in all I’m alright. Thanks for asking. I quit fighting Donkey for the money he owes from taxes and child support, and I quit fighting for my right to write about my experiences–all so I wouldn’t have to keep fighting for time with my kids. The contempt of courts are still active, so one call to my lawyer starts the process again. There’s no judgement against my writing so anytime I want to start again, I can. He steps too far out of line and I will. The tables have turned a bit and my blog has given me some power over him.
        I started dating again, and then quit dating. Work is pretty awesome, and I hope it stays that way. I have a possible new opportunity on the horizon that would be a dream come true if it happens. Fingers crossed.
        Donkey has a new victim, and she’s a teacher. She has the perfect hours to be his servant, but she’s also a mandatory reporter so you bet your ass I will have her job taken the first time something happens in her presence.
        How are you? Did your job change or are you still primarily lawyering?

  6. I’m surprised at you, Don! Letting your boy drink Bud Light with no lime? What happened to standards?

    • Oh my goodness, no! You train those boys of yours to drink something other than what you drink so there’s no competition. Come on now, man! That’s a no brainer.

  7. Years ago, my husband put our GIANT television of the box sort at the end of the curb. He was home on R&R and time was limited, so it would need to sit there for several days after he left but before the trash people came.
    For a few days, I did fine. But one morning came and I backed out, hitting the television, because that’s how I do. I bent the wheel-well a little. I will never hear the end of it. When I told The Mister, he said, “I KNEW you would do that!” Well, if he KNEW, why didn’t he move it further away? Bah.

  8. Abby says:

    My thanks for making me laugh when I want to punch everyone today. I’m terrified to ever leave my kids in the car alone bc my asshole neighbors be the ones to call the cos or dyfs on me. It’s always fun when everyone’s loaded up in the car and I forget something in the house..btw we are those neighbors too!!!

    • Hooray for us and our “those neighbors” status! I like that you wanted to punch everyone that day. We need more punching to keep people reminded that they’re being douchebags. Lol.

  9. tric says:

    Ha ha. I too had a Saturday Monday, and spent it cleaning my pig childrens bedrooms. I think the ebola virus began in one of them.
    As an aside my friends little boy who died last year was a wild character. When he was three she left him in his car seat, and parked at the door of the leisure centre as she went in to reception to ask them to send her kids out when they were finished swimming. When she came out no car in sight! Daniel had managed to “drive” it about 15 feet around a corner. Incredibly he was doing his best to get back into his car seat when she found it and he had hit nothing.
    We laugh in terrible taste now, saying he was trying to kill himself for years!
    Lovely pictures. As for the gym, feck that I hate the gym.

    • Hahaha, that boy sounds like a handful of sunshine! He was trying to get into the car seat because he knew he was in the wrong, I guess. It’s not his fault though, the wheel was probably on the wrong side of the car so he was confused. The gym….UGH.

  10. barbtaub says:

    Two little words: testosterone poisoning. And where do you think he got that?

    (You’re not alone, btw: http://barbtaub.com/2013/08/06/parenting-this-is-nothing-we-were-ever-trained-for )

  11. I am/we are, them. Proud here! And appreciative of your highlighting ‘us.’

  12. Blogdramedy says:

    You should start that kid’s allowance now so you can deduct damage payments and maybe by the time he’s 18, he’ll have enough saved to buy an ice cream.

  13. Dada Mike says:

    A neighborhood is incomplete without “those people.” I am “those people.” Well, I am some of “those people.” I old the garage door dents but I’ve been known to day drink upon occasion, that’s for sure.

  14. Man, who’d have thought you’d have to have the driving the car talk before the sex talk? Wowza!

  15. xtrememom says:

    That was beautiful, Don. Thank you for making me laugh out loud on a Monday, that for me is actually just a plain ole suckish Monday.
    Btw- I just traded in my paid off dented van that was minus one hubcap, but only because she was on her last leg.
    My kids are teens now, so we’ve been “those people” for quite some time. It’s liberating as Hell. Welcome to the dark side, sir!

  16. Anonymous says:

    Cool will be interviewed in a few years as some hot shot lawyer, and he’ll name this incident right here as his first victory! Bravo, kid, well played.

  17. Oh Man. This is going to be my Chan Man for sure. Since we don’t have a garage, he’ll probably drive the car directly into our house. Since breaking things is kind of his forte. Great post!! Loved all the pictures.

  18. REDdog says:

    Don, this is just the beginning mate, I’ve been in 13 motor vehicle accidents (“I wrote about some of them somewhere) which is about a million short of the ones I got away with…it all started with the first time I grabbed hold of that steering wheel at about age 5, the rest, as they say, is history…bwahahaa indeed.

  19. Julie says:

    We are so your people!! We just have hunting crap instead of hubcap-less cars. People know our house as “the hunting house” and don’t believe me when I say hunting is not Scott’s real job. He has hung a gutted deer from our deck. I commend you on moving from the gym selfie to bathroom (?) selfie. Hope you went to the gym! And hope you got some of this rain KC is getting…

  20. elihawkins6 says:

    Haha. How long to 16?

    Also: “I should be able to reap the benefits of my two good workouts last week for at least a month,” <- Tots fur real. :-) I completely agree with that. I feel that this year I've built up a good decade's worth of health and wellness… why does that one burger that is bigger than my head undo it all!?!?

    Take care!

    • I haven’t worked out in several days not and it’s like my body completely forgot about all that hard work I did the past month and a half. WTF? Hope your training is going well.

      • elihawkins6 says:

        I’m doing very well in my training, thank you… just having trouble getting started again after the last marathon…

        I hope you manage to get back into the work out! Good luck!

  21. Kristi Campbell - findingninee says:

    My MIL once pulled into her garage with bicycles on the roof of the car. Oops. Love that Cool tried to blame Gman. What an awesome kid. And your selfies rock. :)

  22. markbialczak says:

    At least all the DOAT family’s little blemishes are right out there in the open for the rest of the neighborhood to roll their eyes at, Don.

    It’s those bastard neighbors and what they’re doing inside their houses that you really could be raising your eyebrows over.

    Missing hubcaps, cars on jacks, dented doors, them’s the stuff of good half-hour comedies, my friend. I already want Jeff Foxworthy to play you.

    What those neighbors of yours are doing is more likely a two-hour American Psychological Association teaching documentary.

  23. Paul says:

    Ha! Sounds like a handful Don. About day beer, I used to drive night shift and would have a beer before bed at about 9 am. One hot summer morning I was relaxing with a beer and no shirt when a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on the door. I invited them in and we argued God for a good hour (but they wouldn’t have a beer). I enjoy biblical fencing – maybe a new olympic event- and they were reeling when they left. I think they may have called it a day. Religion is best argued with beer.

  24. really, really cute blog post, especially the pictures. looking forward to more. Check out my blog…I do humor as well!

  25. Holy shit! I can’t wait for the stories when Cool gets a tad older, as he’s already wise enough to know you didn’t tell him not to drive the freaking van. Love it. Love it! And great photos!

  26. Go Jules Go says:

    When you factor in giving your kids driving lessons on Mondays and Tuesdays, there’s REALLY not gonna be any time for the gym now.

    • hahaha, yes! Another reason to not go to the gym! Wait, are you mocking me now that you’re all tiny and fit and stuff? So great to see your mustachioed face in these parts, my dear!

  27. Hey, I find your blog very amusing. I have recently signed myself up for the marathon, I hate running. Why? I am easily led I admit, years ago it was beer gussling now it is 26 miles of hell. Well at least I am not conforming to the cultural obsession of pounding away on the treadmill and going nowhere, My blog is new, would be cool if you have a wee browse and maybe even follow… haha http://nikikiklibnur.wordpress.com/

    • I will most definitely check it out. THe marathon ain’t gonna happen for me, unless there is some drastic life change that makes me want to do it. 13.1 was plenty fine. PLENTY fine!

  28. Aussa Lorens says:

    This cracked me the hell up. You need to post more.

  29. jaklumen says:

    We don’t have a garage. We have a shed in the backyard. I still need to fix it from where my son put slashes in it, with a 3 lb. axe.

  30. kitwest61 says:

    BAFTA’s in the post mate 😊

  31. Shelley says:

    Why parents should be very very explicit with their directions. Love it.

  32. singlegirlie says:

    I drove around without a hubcap for like six months. And WHERE CAN I GET ONE FOR $8???

  33. mollytopia says:

    “Because now that he says that, I don’t think I have asked him to not drive our cars yet.” Bahahahaha – I’m going to get sent home for laughing out loud too much. I’ve been reading your blog for the last 20 minutes : ) And “like a bloated piece of fuck” took me straight to Twitter to announce the hilarity. Why isn’t funnymotherfucker a hashtag? I’m disappointed in the world.

    • Yay, I’m funnier than finances! Lol. Sometimes. You’re the best, Molly, for real and yes, the world can be very very disappointing. Hope you’re having a splendiferous week so far! I’m off today with the kids at home. I’ve already briefly lost Cool twice and had to clean up an inordinate amount of Gman piss from behind the toilet. You so should have had a son, you know?

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