Since I don’t believe that yesterday’s reblogging of Ace’s awesome photo counts as a post, this one here is numero 100.
Many of my posts are of the long variety, generally 1000 words at least. I apologize for that, people, but once I get going it’s difficult for me to stop.
I started this blog on a whim, really. I’ve always enjoyed writing, though I hadn’t done it in quite some time outside of police reports or motions to quash subpoenas from dumbshit defense attorneys, but that’s another post altogether. I’ve also always enjoyed being snarky and sharing my thoughts and opinions where they’re not wanted, much to the dismay of many of my closest friends and family members.
During a particularly contentious political season during the latter part of 2012, there was a lot of back and forth about abortion and gun control and so forth. One of our fine Missouri senators even went so far as to suggest that “legitimate rape” victims rarely became pregnant because he understood from doctors that their bodies somehow shut down or something to prevent such a travesty from occurring. Yes, he said this out loud and on purpose. His name is Todd Akin and he’s an idiot.
I was that guy on Facebook everybody kept asking mutual friends “who is that fucking guy?” Taking moving or otherwise mundane Facebook posts and steering them straight into the gutter with a single comment was my thing, as was heckling perfect strangers when I found them to be super annoying.
Here’s an example. My friend Sarah had posted a link to a cool post about teaching kids values or respect or loving everyone in spite of their differences or some such bullshit, and this MW woman somehow managed to turn it into an anti-abortion related thread even though it was not in any way shape or form an abortion related post.
Here is her comment:
I had never met MW and to this day have no idea who she is, other than some acquaintance of my friend Sarah. Her comment annoyed me and since I was feeling frisky and had probably had a few beers, I joined in the thread with the following:
Donofalltrades: Nothing to do with this thread, but I remember during the Clinton administration when I was very anti abortion. I was picketing at a planned parenthood clinic in the CWE with a younger Todd Akin, whom i’d met in Vancouver, because those people at PP kill babies and somebody gave me $10 to do it. That was more money then. Anyway, I’m all shouting F you baby killers and God hates your mothers and stuff when this sort of fat but not too ugly chick pulls up and says “hey Don, I’m pregnant!” I looked at Akin and was like, did she say Todd or Don and she was all you Don of all trades I wouldn’t touch that other doofus. Well crap I thought, how did this happen? Then I remembered that there was a sale on Mickeys Malt Liquor a few weeks prior at a bowling alley. Lots of bigger but not really ugly gals hung out at this bowling alley. Well anyway, she says we did it in my Cavalier right in the bowling alley parking lot and I wasn’t careful. Well I says that it’s her body and that if I was drunk enough to bang her fat ass then clearly she should have been more responsible. Well the short of it is that I told her I had $10 and would gladly change my mind about my anti abortion ways because i was broke and no woman should have to raise a baby that was the product of bowling alley parking lot sex and she said ok. I had already spent $5 on Taco Bell so she was pretty pissed. Anyway, she said she was already going to do it because she loved her boyfriend when it wasn’t league night on Thursdays when her love sometimes wanes. She did it with my blessing and $5 and then when we were leaving she was all what is this piece of junk? She was talking about my pretty sweet GMC pickup. I guess she was too scared to notice on the way there. She thought I had a Cavalier but I remembered I never did own a Cavalier so I guess she aborted some other dude’s fetus and I never did touch that fat gal, but i was still out $5. Had I ever told you that story, Sarah?
See, what the fuck does that even mean?
Then the next morning, I had to apologize to Sarah in my own special way, just in case MW was a good friend of hers and I had ruffled some feathers.
Almost every last bit of this crap was made up nonsense. I’ve never been to Canada, but you get the idea of the sort of FB annoyance I was.
Of all people, my wife actually encouraged me to start a blog so that I could share my asinine thoughts with the willing of the world instead of my poor friends and family who had no choice but to unfriend me if they didn’t want to have to read my crap. Though I’m sure there are times when she regrets it, it’s been nothing but fun and a great release for me. I didn’t know anything about blogs really, but with some help from my aforementioned pal Sarah, I got myself up and running on this here WordPress.
My first post was on November 12, 2012. It was just a stupid story that popped into my head about a friend who was showing me porn. I had porn in front of my face and instead of looking at a naked woman on the screen, I found myself trying to see the wall behind her. Not knowing what I was doing, it was never tagged and has never been “liked” or commented upon. Will somebody please go like it now? It’s terrible, but it’s not too long so you can do it as a favor to me, ok? Click here to read it.
I followed that up with yet another untagged and unliked post about my CDO (because OCD isn’t in the correct order). I finally learned about tagging and managed to get a single “like” on my third post which was a shot at all my hunting buddies who were having such a time on Facebook boasting about their prowess at killing a stupid forest creature.
Since then, I’ve posted about my pleasure at hosting Thanksgiving (even included a drawing) and finally got some comments from people I know in real life because I was forcing them to read my blog by this point. I posted about parenting adventures, and then one of my more popular posts, Honkey Bus, and on and on and on with asinine stories that some of you have grown to love.
I also struggled with whether or not to include any serious thoughts I wanted to share on the same blog as my crap. I decided in the end that this is my space and I was going to do what I wanted, so I wrote a post about my deceased grandpa in-law (mostly out of love for my wife on her birthday) wherein I lamented not getting to know him better as well as a poem about the Connecticut tragedy. That poem sucked because I’m not a poet, but it honestly helped me to have a little cathartic cry and get on with life.
There of course has been much mention of my love for Bud Light Lime and we had some laughs when Don got to hang out with a Jesus Christ you may not recognize (warning, this post may cause hard feelings).
I’ve written about the kids and work and have been honored to write some guest posts that have gone really well and really really badly. I’ve “met” a lot of great people along with way as well.
When I get a comment that you were moved or laughed or that you read something to your spouse and he or she laughed, it makes me happy. Getting to know many new people from all over the world has been awesome, and I’ve been glad to share myself with all of you. I think even my real life friends have gotten to see a part of me that they’re probably surprised exists, and that’s cool with me.
So, while I have about 10,000 words I’d like to say, I’m going to cut myself off and get on with my day.
I was going to wait and make my 100th post epic, but I don’t have epic in me and I’d rather just post something now because that’s how I get to talk with all of you guys via your comments.
So, from my very first real WP friend, Cookie from Canada (congrats again on you beautiful son by the way) to all of my newest friends in this blogoshere, thank you for following me and helping to make this such a rewarding 8 months.
I look forward to the next 100 posts (sorry dear). I hope we’ll laugh more than we cry, but whatever happens, let’s enjoy the ride.