More fried chicken palace adventures and ANOTHER blog win!!…

One of my favoritest people in the blogging world, Molly, (seriously, she comes from circus stock!  Go read her stuff, she’s fantastic.) , reminded me of this old post wherein I regaled readers with stories from the fried chicken palace.

For those unfamiliar with my pathetic life, I have many jobs (hence the donofalltrades thing, right?).  One of those jobs is to put my police uniform on and go stand in the parking lot of a restaurant that serves heaping plates of fried food and other Americana related cuisine.  It’s not my main patrol gig, it’s moonlighting or secondary employment.  I mostly stand in the heat or rain or cold and ponder why the fuck I didn’t go to dental school like I originally wanted to.

The pay for standing around and doing nothing for the most part is pretty good, and the people watching is always fantastic.  When the moon is full or it’s the first week of the month (hello government funded dinners!) I’m euphoric with glee at the people I see (Seussian, no?).

Just the other day my work wife and I enjoyed lunch at the palace and saw a woman who looked like this here cartoon woman, Kendra Krystal Krinklesac.

I mean EXACTLY like this woman!

I mean EXACTLY like this woman!

When I say she looked like this woman in the picture, I don’t mean that she was just sort of big and rode a rascal, I mean they were EXACTLY the same looking person!  It was freaky. The real life Krinklesac is no stranger to the palace of fried goodness.  She dines there everyday.  Literally, every day!  The palace is ok to enjoy maybe once a week, if you aren’t eating the chicken everytime, but everyday is just too much!

Besides being ginormous and simply driving up to a table of her choosing on her rascal as though she owned the joint, she was there with a person I assumed, based on her scrubs, was her health care assistant of some sort.  They both ordered fried chicken for lunch AND shared some fried mushrooms, fried raviolis (do people not in St. Louis know what these are) AND a heaping side of cheese and bacon laden french fries.  Holy fuck!  The waitress said they eat like that every day and that sometimes their credit cards don’t work.  That’s rich, but not surprising at this joint.

Speaking of doesn’t have a functioning credit card, last month I walked past a table and my spider sense started tingling.  After a few years policing the streets of the hood, you can just begin to sense when something is amiss.

There was a couple dining at a table who didn’t quite look homeless, but were close.  Now there are plenty of people who don’t get dressed up to dine at the palace,  see exhibit A below, so to stand out by being dingier and stinkier than the average patron is no small feat.

Real customer!  Sorry, it's one of my favorite pictures ever.

Real customer! Sorry, it’s one of my favorite pictures ever.

These two diners were epically stinky, filthy and downright nasty to nearly all of the senses.  I’d say all of them, but I didn’t touch either of them.

Sure enough, when the bill comes to the table the couple is flummoxed by the $87 cost of their meals.

“Uh, it’s her birthday today.” Says the man.

I must interject that the palace offers birthday diners a free chicken dinner on their birthdays.  The drink is not included and if you don’t want chicken, you can get the cost of a chicken dinner ($6.99) deducted from the price of whatever you do eat, if it costs more.

“Yes sir, I only charged you for one of the dinners, see?” Answers the poor waitress who can probably see where her tip is going.

“Fuck that!” Says the classy lady at this point.  “I thought the WHOLE meal was free!”

I’m about pissing my pants with laughter at this point because these two fucksticks had both eaten a dinner each along with two appetizers AND, no shit now 8 gin and tonics for the lady and at least 10 Bud bottles for the mister.

The waitress looked at me and gave me a pretty clear fuck you look before I went outside to await this couple’s egress.

Sure enough, they walked out without paying and had the audacity to claim that they believed the whole dinner, drinks and all was free!  It’s hard to tell with really stupid people if they’re fibbing or not, and these were those sorts of people.  I took their id and wrote their information down and told them that they had until tomorrow night to come talk to the owner about what to do about the bill.  I said I would have to come take them to jail the day after, if they hadn’t showed up to make things right (that was never going to happen by the way), and to their credit, they DID come back and speak to the manager. Of course they didn’t have money and said they wouldn’t until their first of the month check came in a couple of weeks.

They’ve been banned from the palace.


I’m not saying that I’m having the best blogging run ever, but I’m having the best blogging run ever!  I was recently Freshly Pressed, then featured on a men of WordPress calendar and just today I learned that I won another contest over at another of my favorite person’s blog!

Renee over at renée a. schuls-jacobson’s blog had a fine idea this summer.  Part one of the fine idea was to send her only child to summer camp for like 32 weeks so that she’d have more time to sip coffee and wine and blog and shop and do whatever it is she does without a teenager around.  Part two involved having her blogging friends write letters to her son at camp so that she wouldn’t have to do it herself!  Wow!

She received many great letters and I’m honored (honoured for my Aussie and Canadian pals) to announce that Tech Support (her son) chose mine as his favorite!

Go check it out, it’s a fine piece, if I do say so myself.

This entry was posted in Humor, Stories, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to More fried chicken palace adventures and ANOTHER blog win!!…

  1. Jen says:

    Your best blog entry yet! God forbid when the worlds of Kendra Krystal Kinklesack and Bertha von Milkshakes are there at the same time. Then I’ll know the apocalypse is near.

  2. Laura Lynn says:

    Aargh, my EYES!! WTF Don! I just got up…jeez. Okay, good thing I got a guilty giggle outta it. And btw you also messed up breakfast plans of waffles with butter and bacon with a side of fried eggs! Better have plain yogurt and almonds-Thanks a real LOT!

  3. So this is a sit down, they bring you the bill type place? Sounds fancy!
    I’m a virgin chicken palace adventure reader – I’ll have to do something about that immediately!

  4. SocietyRed says:

    I always want some fried chicken when you write about it. And a rascal.
    The letter to Tech Support was great; it’s easy to see why it was the favorite! You speak 14 real good!

  5. Jolene says:

    Awesome…… believe me, there are times when after a patient leaves we are all left thinking “can’t they smell themselves?” ….our hallways are plagued with this stinky unwashed ass, crusty vagina, BO smell for hours!!! you just wonder………

  6. ardenrr says:

    Yay! I love Adventures at Chicken Palace!!

  7. Pleun says:

    Haha, I think it’s worth being banned from a place for 8 gin and tonics and 10 Bud bottles, but if I were to do it, I’d make it a birthday bash with all my stinky friends 😉
    Anyway, congrats on the Tech letter! Thankfully good thinks come in threes, so now there will be some more room for the other participants. Yes, that would be me, although I’m not that competitive , really I’m not! 😉

  8. rachelocal says:

    I think your people watching at the palace should be a regular feature.

  9. You are like the friend who says the bad things everyone else is thinking. Too funny. Congrats on your role.

  10. Yes, Don, you are a fine piece. Thanks for writing to my son this summer. The check is in the mail. Literally.

  11. Maggie O'C says:

    Is there really a calendar?

  12. Really, she should have also been required to prove it was in fact her birthday and they weren’t just some cheap jerks trying to pull one over and get freebies they didn’t deserve (not that they hadn’t done that already).

    And hey, congrats on your win at Renee’s! Totally deserved. That letter was classic. (The first line, by the way…well, as an officer of the law, I’m sure you’re exactly aware of how that could’ve come off had they not been solicited by the child’s mother). 😉

  13. I love how you gave them a warning. I wish I had the ability to abuse my power, but I don’t have any. Even my kids laugh at me when I try to use it.

  14. You are indeed a superstar, but your penmanship sucks.

  15. Seriously, how does ANYONE eat like that every dang day! Even at my fattest, I couldn’t eat all the fried. Blegh….

  16. mistyslaws says:

    I still say it was fixed. Another win for the patriarchy, I guess. :p

    What ever happened to making people wash dishes to pay? And where is this magical place that gives you a free meal on your birthday, complete with 2 meals, 2 apps and 18 alcoholic beverages? Because, I want to go to there.

  17. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I keep typing and deleting a response to this but I keep bringing my own issues into it, so I will just say people watching can certainly be interesting. My ex moonlit as security at a 24-hour waffle-restaurant by the airport. Fun times.

    The whole community of Stoolbend, where Kendra Krinklesac and friends live, is based around where I grew up/live now. I wish I could say that everything on that show is exaggerated, but sadly I can’t. 🙂

    • You’re welcome to bring your own issues onto my blog whenever you like, Punk! Stoolbend sounds pretty kickass, sadly. That’s maybe only in my world though.

      • NotAPunkRocker says:

        The short of it is, I know you can only speak to what you are personally seeing and interacting with…but as someone with a weight problem and an eating disorder, this post was hard to read. I think I have met my depressing post quota for the week, so I may link back to this and get into more detail later (if OK with you). The dine-and-dash attempt is just lousy.

        There was a recent Cleveland Show episode about going to see a football game against their HS rivals. The actual place name was used and a lot of details, which was funnier considering this school was our main rival in the early 90s. Not that my school was any better. 🙂

  18. I can feel my arteries clogging, just thinking about the Palace. Great post- grossed me out, made me laugh. And you do definitely speak 14 well (checked out the letter).

  19. Congrats on the big blogging run! Although, can you please snap more pictures when you’re at the palace?!

  20. tric says:

    You are definitely on a roll! Congrats. If I ever have a competition on my site I will make sure you lose!! I too love that picture. As my mum would say she is the picture of health! My favourite line though has to be that you will take them to jail!! Love it. I so wish you lived near I could have you call by some of my buddies with the same threat, and I would so enjoy the fallout.

  21. gina4star says:

    haha, is it weird that I can’t stop looking at that photo of the real customer?! Brilliant :):

  22. Daile says:

    1. Molly is awesome
    2. Fried ravioli? I’m intrigued but I am also the same person who tried to turn gnocci into fries by baking them.
    3. Think of the fat sweat – bet you it’s mouldy in there.
    4. I knew I should have sent Tech naked photos, I would have been sure to win the competition! Dang!

  23. Go Jules Go says:

    Winner winner chicken dinner! Look’atchu, Don. Congrats! You don’t need no stinkin’ dental school.

    Unfortunately, I DO know what fried raviolis are, and what they are is GOOD.

  24. Pingback: All in the family – WordPress Family Award | Valley Girl Gone Country

  25. Valerie says:

    Being banned from a fried chicken place just totally made my bucket list!!



  26. PinotNinja says:

    Fried raviolis?! I don’t know whether to be very intrigued or very afraid of those….

  27. beingnenne says:

    I am loving your ‘Adventures at the Chicken place’. Is this a regular feature? If not it must me. I have some digging around to do here..:)

  28. Christina says:

    I want your job.

  29. 1jaded1 says:

    Congrats on yet another victory…that story was disturbing on so many levels.

  30. lisleman says:

    Hey Don, I enjoyed the post. I found your blog thru Blogdramedy and the recent post she did on the gun issue. I found your comments very worthwhile because I sense they are not on the extremes of this issue. It is scaring to think the idiots with guns you dealt with in your job really do exist.
    The restaurant stories are both sad and funny. I’ve seen the weight creep up on myself and others in my family. I do think it’s easier to be moderately healthy if your brain still functions.

    • Ha, well thanks so much for stopping by. Please don’t judge me solely on this post, as it’s one that I threw up (almost literally) because I was desperate to post something. I feel bad poking fun of people but these folks are just asking for it sometimes with their rotten dispositions and fried food gluttony.

  31. findingninee says:

    Going to go read your letter now (and that chick? brilliant). I love that fat chick photo. It’s awesome. The fact that she had to sit down because you know. AWESOME. That you got another one? On a scooter? Even more awesome. What’s up with the nurse/aide person eating that shit with her though?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s