Penises or peen or peni, whichever it is, 101…

I almost posted another riveting rundown of my past weekend, but I could almost hear the collective sighs from each and every one of you as you began reading the first paragraph, so I crammed it into the drafts folder to die pull out at a better time.

It did involve golf, a new iPad and my wallet’s contents being on an interstate highway yet again, so your loss!

Like a total douche, I was typing that weekend wrap-up post on my new iPad in public, instead of paying a lick of attention to my boys as they played at this pretty cool train place that’s absolutely free.

Free toy train place? OKAY!

Free toy train place? OKAY!

I know, right? Gman fucking loves this place! That’s a blueberry syrup stain on his shirt, for you curious people reading this. A woman actually stopped me on my way out of IHOP to tell me that my boys were exceptionally well behaved and that she was impressed with them. Awe, thank you old lady, that was sweet. She must have been in the shitter when Gman was dumping syrup all over everything except his silver dollar pancakes.

It was a Tuesday, so I was the only man here above the age of six, outside of the poor bastard working the register. They have a register because the place sells great wooden toy train tracks, trains and accessories, just like the stuff the kids play with at the train place, as Gman calls it.

It’s the sort of place where soccer moms hang out when they’ve tired of the park and it’s too early for wine. They mostly hang out in clusters and say things like, “Liam, make better choices!” or “Carter, did you push that little girl half your size down and take her train? That’s not nice. Mommy is sad at you now. Please give it back or mommy will have to give you more pills” or “Charlie, mommy won’t buy you a new train if you don’t stop screaming right this instant, 1,2, are you, are you tired? It’s okay everyone, he’s just tired.”

No lady, Charlie is just a fucking brat.

I don’t mind being the only man in such a place, and in fact, I actually enjoy eavesdropping on the conversations of perfect strangers, especially women, because sometimes they talk about fun stuff like…….penises!

PENISES!

I  heard the word and immediately perked up. My dirty word radar indicated that it came from the right, so I turned my head and noticed a couple of ladies conversating about said penises just off to my right. Is it peni? Peen? Whatever, they were talking about the one eyed monster, let’s leave it at that.

One of the ladies was clearly due to have a baby any minute now, so I knew that she at least knew what a penis was, amirite!!?

Shut up; I’m totally right.

Sadly, it wasn’t dirty talk at all though.

The woman with child (in her belly) was due to have her first boy, and the other woman had just birthed a boy of her own. From the looks of him, he was maybe nine months old.

The pregnant lady was sort of freaking out to the other one about diaper changing messes and little erections and baths and peeing while standing, and all kinds of crap, all while the other one was nodding in total agreement as if the fears were totally justified. I felt bad for this unborn child since it was pretty obvious that mommy was disappointed that she’d not be buying Barbies and dresses and attending gymnastics or dancing recitals, etc. I mean she still COULD I guess, but my point was she seemed disappointed and scared that she had a baby boy coming into her life.

I started to laugh hysterically inside my head, in part because I’m a dick, but mostly because it brought back some great memories of my own wife yelling from upstairs, “DON!! DONNIE!!! COME HERE, HURRY. PLEASE!!!”

The yelling was almost always while I was in the kitchen cleaning up dinner and she was giving the boys a bath. In other words, they were naked and freaking her out.

While once or twice out of the hundreds of times, it was something like a new eczema flare up or a turd related (constipation) issue, almost every other panicky yell involved a penis related emergency.

It was both hilarious and somewhat cute that she had so many little boy and his penis questions. While my wife has a younger brother, he’s nine years younger than her, so she never really had any hands on experience with helping her mom with the really dirty work that it takes to get a boy and his penis through life.

My wife is a college educated and intelligent woman, and she knows how to use the internet. In spite of this, she still had many questions and inquiries about what was going on with the boys and their peckers.

Why is it hard like that?

Am I hurting them if I do this?

OMG, are they sexual deviants? Are my boys perverts!!!!??

NO DEAR! NOT AT ALL!

It was all perfectly normal stuff.

As our two boys are only three and five, she has many years of penis stuff ahead of her, most of it much more vulgar and disgusting than what she’s experienced thus far.

Since I love her and may drop dead before the boys get married, I thought I’d write a post to assist her and the other moms of the world with their penis related fears.

So for all you confused and worried mothers of boys out there who didn’t have brothers or otherwise don’t know your way around a boy’s ding dong, here’s a list of some things you can expect of your boy and his penis:

Well, before we begin to get to the nuts and shaft of, haha, no, wait, the nuts and bolts of this post, I must forewarn you that I am not a doctor and I am not a blogger who wastes time doing research, so there is no science behind this post.

This is a blog post, not a doctoral thesis or dissertation or whatever they’re even called.

I am, however, a man.

I’ve lived with a penis for 41 years.

I have a dad with a penis and grew up with two little brothers who also have penises.

I watched my own mother struggle to understand and shake her head at us and our penises.

I have seen and experienced my share of penis related activity, so take that as a curriculum vitae that entitles me to be called expert enough to share my wisdom with the moms of the world struggling to understand what’s wrong with their little boys.

1. First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with your little boy. Boys have penises, and that’s a fact. They have this little protuberance and, as they’re little boys, must investigate its use. Why is it there and what do I do with it? If it makes you feel better, consider all the yanking and poking and touching it to various items around your house his own sort of practice in using the scientific method. He’s got a hypothesis, and that is “This thing between my legs is fucking amazing. It must be a magic wand or 11th finger that everyone wants to see and that I should use for everything.” He’s learning.

2. Your son loves you, mom, but he and his penis have a special relationship that you’ll never understand, and really, probably don’t want to. Don’t even bother trying to act like you get it and never try to get between your boy and his love for his penis. Just accept it as normal and do your best to make sure that he knows when it’s okay for him to whip it out and when it must be kept inside its trouser house.

For you visual learning moms, here’s how most men feel when we think about their penis.

A boy and his BFF!

A boy and his BFF!

2. Boners? Yes, they happen, a lot! They’re perfectly normal, even when the boy is less than a year old and doesn’t really know about women yet. It’s nature, man. If you have him out of his diaper and his lil johnson is exposed to air, chances are good that he’ll get excited. This isn’t only true when he’s 4 months old, it’ll be true when he’s 14, 34 and 104 as well. Don’t be scared of it, it’s just his penis with a bit more blood flow. That’s how he says, “hello mom, I love you,” before he can actually say hello. Just rub his little noggin (the one on his neck please) and say, “Oh son, you little scamp you. I love you too.” or something like that. It’ll go away on its own.

3. Baby’s little ball sack isn’t filled with faberge eggs and there really aren’t “family jewels” in there either, so they don’t have to be handled like they’re going to break if you wash them for him. My own wife often worried about whether or not she was going to hurt the boys, but up until a certain age (see above where I remind everyone I’m no doctor and I don’t remember my own experience) the testicles haven’t grown and there’s nothing there to hurt.

4. Boys who aren’t allowed to pee outside grow up to be serial killers. Is this true? Maybe, but probably not. I would bet that many serial killers did have some penis related issues as youngsters though. When a little boy has to go, he has to go. For my sons, when they say they have to pee, it means right now, not in five minutes or at the next exit, but right.fucking.now. Having boys who are confident and comfortable enough to piss on the side of the highway instead of all over your minivan seats is a wonderful thing. Let them practice in their yards, or better yet, the neighbors’ yards. They don’t pee any more than a cocker spaniel, so it’s not a big deal.

A fun way to potty train your little one is to let them try to write their name in the snow. There does become an age where it becomes necessary that they find discreet places to do their outside peeing, let’s call that age seven just to have a number.

Peeing is normal.

Peeing is normal.

5. There is probably nothing more disgusting and awkward in the world as a pubescent young man. He’s going to be awkward and his voice will start to change and all of a sudden, he’ll have testicles making sperm and semen and stuff. It’s a fact that your little angel will be in his room masturbating all over everything in sight. So gross, right? Wait till he’s doing it in your kitchen sink or in YOUR bed or in the garage or basement or in the car or wherever the urge hits little Johnny Cockknocker. It’s not his fault though, and it’s perfectly normal! Remember, it’s normal! Those Sears catalogs have lady models wearing bras and panties, so expect to never see one of those catalogs in tact until your boys are out of the house. I understand that the internets also has some sexually stimulating material on it as well. I’d suggest you maybe check Johnny’s browser history to keep him off sites that you don’t approve of. While some whacking off to Jennifer Aniston look alikes walking around naked is perfectly normal, there does become a point where normal has been left behind and we’re into let’s call a therapist territory. I’d say animal related stuff is a good red flag.

6. Once those balls have dropped, they become very sensitive to contact, but it shouldn’t really matter to you because it’s no longer cool for you to be washing them for him at this point. That’s gross, Jesus!

As everyone knows, getting hit or even grazed in the balls is the worst pain in the world, bar none. Ball damage can be very serious, so if your little teenager likes to play sports, he should be encouraged to wear a protective cup. It always amazed me the number of teammates I had who played baseball without one. Either they were extremely confident in their fielding abilities, or they were just morons, because a blow to the balls hurts like hell, much worse than even giving birth ladies. I mean, I know lots of ladies who’ve had multiple kids on purpose, but no man has ever volunteered for another blow to the nuts.

Well crap, I have so much more knowledge to share, but it appears I’ve written over 200o words already, and that’s my arbitrary cut off.

Sorry for the length, which by the way, is something only a few of us men ever have to say out loud. Hahahaha, see what I did there?

Do you have any fun penis stories or advice to share? Don’t be stingy.

Have a great rest of the week.

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48 Responses to Penises or peen or peni, whichever it is, 101…

  1. LOVE THIS! As a woman outnumbered in a house of penises (peni, whatevs), you can never have too much knowledge about this stuff. We had our first “pee outside” experience with one of our boys while we were out on a city walk (okay, we were on a vacation and my husband got us lost, but that’s another story). One kid had to go real bad, so husband took him over to the treeline on the side of the road across from the gas station and let him do his beez. The glowing look of satisfaction and accomplishment in my little man’s eyes (kid, not hubby) when he came back to the group indicated some sort of rite of passage had just happened. Sigh. I enjoyed reading this!

    • It’s totally a rite of passage and your boy recognized it! I love moms who are outnumbered in a house by boys; it reminds me of my own mom’s adventures, which she handled like a champ. Thanks for the comment, now I’m off to check your life out.

  2. aliciabenton says:

    Oh, how I SOOOOOO wish I couldn’t relate to anything you just wrote about. :/

  3. rynolexson says:

    This is by far my favorite post by DOAT. I not only might want a penis after this but fully appreciate what it must be like to have one. Applause for this-you might still have that blogging knack 😉

    • Hahaha, you’re silly, Girl Ryan. I truly hope that you have a little penis having baby soon! I want to watch that thing grow up and drive you bonkers in the process. You just like anything that mentions boobs or penises though, don’t you?

  4. I don’t have a kid related penis story. Although I did get a penis picture BEFORE I was set to go out on a happy hour date with a douche bag last year. And no, I didn’t go on the date. Also, while there is a wealth of knowledge here, I don’t think Sears has a catalog anymore. But I know Victoria’s Secret does…

    • OMG, I’m always in disbelief when I hear these penis related misadventures women have! Was he expecting you to say, “wow, let’s just skip dinner and get to this!” or something? I’m glad you didn’t go on the date though, you can do much better than a creepy douche bag. Victoria’s Secret is a bit high end for this man and his family, so that was never an option.

  5. julie says:

    over 2000 words was easy huh! See what happens when the subject matter is one that excites you so??

    Very funny, I learned the hard way I guess.

  6. “I’d say animal related stuff is a good red flag.” JAY-SUS!!! Don, you kill me. This is very good information.

  7. Ned's Blog says:

    Loved this post almost as much as my… well, you know. And by the way, I believe the plural for penis is “Panini.”

    • That’s excellent information to know, thanks, Ned! I’ve clearly not been laughing out loud enough when I hear people at Panera talking about panini in their mouth or sharing their panini with their friends, etc. I always will now though!

      • Ned's Blog says:

        My pleasure, Don. I’m pretty good when it comes to grammaticalish stuff. And yeah, I always get a little uncomfortable when I hear a guy talking about how he got stuffed eating a panini.

  8. bethteliho says:

    I have 2 sons, as you know, and I’m afeared for the teen years! They are already little perverts, and I say that knowing it’s normal. We joke that it’s time to give my 7yo condoms. He’s extremely curious. A total boob freak. Hahahaha
    I was prepared for just about everything, but the one thing that still surprises me is their penis pride. They love that thing and they want everyone to know about it. Lol

  9. msenecal68 says:

    As a mother of a son and a wife, I LOVED this post!! My 12 yo has diabetes and hyperthyroidism so we are already well into the puberty thing!! Yikes!! The Johnny Cockknocker remark had me howling with laughter and when my son asked what I was laughing about, it just made me laugh that much harder!! We have 2 1/2 acres out in the woods so men and boys peeing outside is an everyday occurrence! They do at least go somewhere out of line of sight, usually!

  10. Anonymous says:

    Great post! Over 2000 words and if it had been me, I probably would have gone a least 2000 more. It’s easy to write about the things we love 😉

  11. REDdog says:

    We have 3 teenage boys…need I say more?

    You are approaching legendary status Don, the world needs plainly stated, unpretentious, anti-psychotic, straight talking just like this. May I suggest a Part 2? Or perhaps another Q&A session, maybe? Perhaps even some kind of collaborative where all those who are penisless get to ask all those are penised those tricky questions they’ve always wondered about. I reckon you’re onto something mate. Well done.

  12. gimpet says:

    Fun, entertaining and really good practical advice. My best penis story is when I was a 23 year old urology nurse. I had to catheterize a partial quadriplegic. Unknown to me, his partial injury did not include the inability to get an erection. I began to cath him and all of the sudden it grew about a foot and ate up the catheter. Never seen anything as long in my life, and I saw a lot of peni in that job. I stood there in shock for about 2 mintues waiting for the catheter to re-appear. All the while the young man was grinning from ear to ear. Then, the end of the catheter popped out and I said, “Oh, yea! There it is!” OMG. Did I actually say that? No one heard me right? The patient of course did and grinned even wider. I finished the job and slunk into the bathroom and wiped my red sweaty face with a towel. The next day flowers and a card asking me out came to the unit from the patient. I guess he likes rough sex…..AND NO, I did NOT go out with him!

  13. Emily says:

    This post was SOOO much better than one of those boring BlogHer posts (who cares if we’re not there – I’m not jealous or anything). I’ve got 3 boys and 1 husband – that adds up to LOTS of penis talk in my house. We recently had our boys watch the scene in “Something about Mary” (yes, I realize it’s probably inappropriate for my 10 year-old to watch, but let’s chalk that one up to being an Oops.) where he gets his penis caught in his zipper. We all couldn’t stop laughing. And now at least I know my boys will be careful zipping their pants up from now on.:)

  14. OMG, so funny. I can’t believe you let your son pee on the lawn AND TOOK A PICTURE OF HIM DOING IT! To post in your blog for all the world to see. I have a 16 year old son, and honestly, there hasn’t been much penis activity that I’m aware of or at least he seems to be doing a good job of keeping it under cover and I’ve never walked in on anything going on so I’m just pretending he doesn’t have one. For now. So far, that seems to be working for me, oh yeah.

  15. Jolene says:

    This was some funny shit!! I have to say your picture of the boy and his bff was by far the funniest thing I have seen ….well since yesterday when I saw a video of a dog taking a crap after being scared by a teddybear!!

    I could have used this piece of info back in the day….like 18 years ago when I gave birth to my son. I was clueless and handled him with care because I didn’t want to hurt him and his “BFF”.

  16. Paul says:

    Without a doubt the most down to earth, how to guide for surviving a penis encounter, that I have ever read Don. Well Done.

  17. barbtaub says:

    I have seven sisters, Don. Seven. Then I had two daughters before I finally produced the testosterone-poisoned one. So nothing prepared me for potty training. It wasn’t just seeing him mark his territory (which was, apparently, the universe) or throwing the Cheerios into the toilet for him to sink the ships. The real fun came when I realized that he wasn’t tall enough to stand and deliver unless he was balanced on my feet. And that if anything distracted him, he would turn to investigate. I bought a lot of new shoes in those days…

  18. Mental Mama says:

    These may not even belong here, but you asked. I’m just going to go on record and say that there really is such a thing as TOO BIG. There, I said it.

  19. mistyslaws says:

    I have 2 boys and another on the way. Dongs don’t scare me. I am well versed in peens. Wait, that maybe didn’t sound quite the way I intended it. Anyway, was I a wee bit disappointed at first that this 3rd one wasn’t a girl? Sure. For like 3 seconds. Then I was fine. Because I have boys and I know boys, and there has never been a time where I called my hubs to help me with any penis related issues. The tiny tot boners are a little disconcerting, true, but like you said, they go away after a few minutes. Plus, they can’t pee all over you like that (usually), so it’s all good.

  20. TheJackB says:

    I have several penis stories, some of which actually happened. Many have been immortalized on my blog which may be why my kids eventually stop speaking to me. 😉

  21. mollytopia says:

    Bahahahaha – I have not one penis story. I’m the youngest kid in our clan, and I have a daughter. But thank you for the info. If I ever find myself babysitting I’ll know what to do. If I ever find myself in a house with a teenage boy in it, I won’t touch any catalogs or magazine. Thanks for the warning : )

  22. This is wonderful! I’m a mother of a 4 year old boy and an 11 year old stepson. I grew up in a house full of women so these are topics that have alluded me. ((Applause))

  23. A smile from start to finish. How to deal with taboos with normalcy and humour. There’s not too much that eludes me now on the subject having been talked through the intricacies by my husband at different points in the raising of sons – bath time is a revelation with boys – who knew that playing submarines and periscopes was even a game until hubs informed me that that’s just what boys do? Pulling over at the side of the road is imperative when previous experience tells that the alternative is a puddle in the car moments after the announcement of need to pee. This should be required reading for all girls/women as soon as they can read it for themselves. And I’ve no doubt there could be a book in it let alone 2000 words. Just marvellous. Thank for the smiles and provoking some memories of those early days. It did take me a while to wonder why pillow cases always ended up off of the pillows and on the floor – but only in the boys’ bedrooms! I still lift them very gingerly!

  24. Is there an “Ask Don about Penises” post in the works? Be careful; Julie might have more than 22 questions this time.

  25. juju333 says:

    Did you draw that picture all by yourself Donnie boy?
    My son, now 25, when he was turning 8 and asked where he wanted to go for his birthday told me he wanted to go to Hooters. When I asked him why he said, “titties.” Yes, I took him and he was a hit with all of the girls. At, 3, I had to tell him that he was to play with his thing in his own room.
    And my oldest daughter, now a paramedic, was a volunteer at the hospital as a teen. She worked in the lab. where she saw a boy’s testicle in a jar due to a sports injury. So from then on she would ask all the boys at all sporting events if they had their cup on and would stare at their crotches waiting for them to punch it and hear the thud of the cup before she was satisfied they had it on. If they didn’t she would tell them the story of the nut in the jar and tell them to go put a cup on.
    She now has a little boy and has stories to tell already and he is only 2.
    Oh the joys of boys!
    BTW, this was a classic DOAT! Laughed a lot, thank you.

  26. I could have done without most of the penis related stuff, but I’m glad you got something positive out of your boring weekend.

  27. hastywords says:

    I always kind of wanted a penis… I mean on my body…I mean attached … Ugh nevermind

  28. kc says:

    Funny….As a single mother of an 11 yr old I will tell you the one thing that peeps don’t tell girls is that there is a right and a wrong way to put a cup on. It took me awhile to figure out why the boy was complaining to me….then I finally asked a friend to ask her hubby. Yeah I don’t think I am forgiven yet….I didn’t know!

  29. jgroeber says:

    Oh,classic! We are the family whose five-year-old peed on the playground the first week of kindergarten. Because… penis. The teacher said there’s always one, and I was like, “He’s seriously the only one?! Dear god, please do not let his younger brother be the only one next year.” And in all honesty, our girls are equal opportunity outside peers, so we could have two new kindergartners peeing in September.
    And lastly, when our second son had crazy walnut balls at age 2 months I was glad I’d already seen plenty of balls. Because those things were herniated, I tell you. And now he has two tiny scars to match my huge c-section scar, which seems right somehow.
    Because I know he’s going to embarrass me by peeing on the school playground in September.

  30. Katie Mandle says:

    Having been doomed to a life with the toilet seat up in my house I can so relate! Too funny.

  31. Annie B. says:

    You should write a follow-up blog about names people use for their penis. My hubby’s favorite is Big Ed and the twins!

  32. Meccala says:

    It was the middle of our outside wedding. My friend’s little boy was about 3 at the time. He whipped it out right there in front of everyone and peed all over his chair.
    It was a metal chair. I laughed my ass off! My friend on the other hand almost died. I didn’t have children at the time so of course it was hilarious!
    Now we have two boys and a girl. Age 8, 6 & 4. They all pee in the yard. SMDH
    Good thing we live in BFE Alaska!

  33. Anonymous says:

    never mutilate

  34. Anonymous says:

    girl or boy

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