Lick’n lunch with the boys…

I walked into the kitchen the other day and found myself standing behind Cool and Gman as they were seated at the island waiting to be fed lunch. They insist on being fed every single day, often multiple times during the same day.

All this child feeding can be very annoying when all one wants to do is sit his fat ass on the couch with his Doritos and watch the ball game, but I’ll digress.

They didn’t hear me walk into the kitchen because I’m quite ninja like that, and also because when they’re together, their noise level is always somewhere equivalent to that of a jet plane repeatedly taking off and immediately crashing into a mountain and exploding upon impact. I believe the decibel number is somewhere around 150, for those of you who need such numerical data to visualize the insanity.

The boys were giggling and having a good time together.

As I snuck behind them, I was pleased to see that they had already gotten what they wanted to be fed from the pantry and refrigerator. That sort of initiative on their part is rare, so it’s to be applauded when they do it.

Before I was able to praise them for their ambitious venture into the pantry and fridge to help get lunch started though, I saw what was so funny to the both of them.

They were licking all the sliced lunch meats and putting them back into the packages.

What?

Right?

You heard me.

THEY WERE LICKING THE GODDAM LUNCHMEAT AND PUTTING IT BACK INTO THE PACKAGES!!!!!

It was apparently the funniest thing in the world to them, until I asked, “What the fuck are you two doing??!!” in the best daddy’s not psychotically enraged, but he’s clearly pissed off tone that I could muster.

Gman continued to giggle while Cool, of course, put his face in his hands and became dejected at having been scolded.

I sighed, walked back into the adjoining room, and proceeded to pound my head on the desk five or six times before I came back and had lunch with my boys.

They enjoyed their licked on salami with mayo and cheese sandwiches while I opted for a lunch-meatless PB&J and a glass of milk.

I sent the boys out the door to terrorize the neighborhood so that I could consider whether or not I needed to try to make myself vomit in peace.

This isn’t the first time daddy has discovered one of the boys returning food to its packaging after it had found its way into a mouth.

A few weeks earlier I was enjoying my Salt and Vinegar flavored sunflower seeds when it occurred to me that some of the seeds lacked flavor and may or may not have seemed a little soggy. (I was going to say moist, but I hate that word. Moist…*shudders*)

Anyway, when I inquired as to whether or not anyone had touched daddy’s seeds, Ace finally looked away from whichever there’s no parent around and the teens are being dicks to each other show that she was watching to let me know that “yes daddy, Gman was sucking the flavor from your seeds earlier and then putting them back in the bag.”

She then smiled at me before turning indifferently back towards her television show.

“Hey honey?” I asked.

“Ace.”

“That fucking tv. I need to remember to cancel cable. These kids are rotting their brains,” I thought.

“ACE!!!!” Jesus Christ, she was sitting seven feet away from me.

“Yeah?”

“Why would you…wait, did you just say yeah?” I asked.

Ace sighs, clearly annoyed at having to pause her stupid show for ten seconds again.

“YES, Dad?”

“That’s sort of better. Why would you let me eat seeds that you know your brother has put into his mouth? Why would you do that to your daddy!??”

Ace shrugged her shoulders and smiled again. “He can’t eat those seeds, Daddy. They’re too hard for him to figure out. He just likes the flavor.”

She has a sweet smile and she’s a sweet kid, so I can’t really be mad at her, even though a small part of me wants to drop kick her ass into the next county for letting me eat sucked on seeds.

That’s just nasty. I’m not a person who enjoys drinking or eating after another person. I find it appalling, in fact.

I have gotten a tiny bit better about it since I’ve had kids. I’ll eat their leftovers when I’m mostly sure they haven’t touched it with their mouths, and I can share a water bottle with them, but there are some things that ain’t happening, and one of those things is me eating anything that has been entirely inside another person’s mouth, fruit of my loins or not.

As Ace returned to her semi-catatonic state to enjoy her show, I sat on the couch and pondered my life.

How many sandwiches have I eaten since these kids have been born that were made with slobbered on lunch meat?

Do they stick their fingers into the peanut butter? Oh God, I bet they lick the knife and put it back into the jar all the time!

Are they licking the salt from my hard pretzels and putting them back into the box? I’ve noticed a bunch of my pretzels haven’t been as salty recently.

Dear God!

My Doritos? Are they licking the dust from my Doritos too?

The thought of it all has me overwhelmed, so I’ve sworn to only eat food at home that I know for a fact is still untarnished. That would basically  be nothing, except for whatever I open from an untampered with package.

Failing that, all my meals will be eaten out, in a restaurant, where I can trust that FDA agents and minimum wage earning, salt of the earth human beings are doing their best to ensure that my food is served to me in a clean environment, completely free of child slobber, floaties or other cooties.

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61 Responses to Lick’n lunch with the boys…

  1. Elyse says:

    When you eat out, do make sure the employees wash up after using the restroom…

    At least you are genetically close to the kids. It’s almost like it’s your slobber, only second-hand.

    • Oh I’ve tried to convince myself of that a million times, but it just won’t sink in. I mean you’re absolutely right though. They’re practically just me living outside of me, right? But then I’m just my dad living outside of him. Fuck. Now I don’t want to eat or drink after myself!

  2. The Life and Times of Poopwa Foley says:

    once, when my kids were little and I was broke, I fed my three children FIRST then ate the leftover whatevers. I was eating leftover raviolis from my daughter’s bowl when I noticed that some of the ravioli had a chewed texture.

    Me: Did you spit in this bowl?
    Her: would you be mad?
    She is 23 now and I remind her of this all the time.
    That is all. 🙂

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Gross! Salt and Vinegar sunflower seeds? Bleah!

    For some reason I am picturing the seeds starting to sprout in the bag, like the moist seeds in a bag is a mini greenhouse of sorts.

    • Oh my god, I love em! I bought a bag of Ranch flavored seeds, but I can’t find them anymore. I like the Bigs brand and nobody carries the damned ranch around these parts. I know I bought it in the area, but I don’t know where I guess. There’s also a dill pickle flavor that I enjoy. So much variety!! The thought of those soggy seeds in my mouth makes me nauseous.

  4. The Cutter says:

    Jesus, kids are horrible. My daughter has already begun to try food and then put it back in the serving dish if she doesn’t like it.

    On the bright side, your immune system can probably withstand anything at this point.

  5. Yeah. I’m sorry for the psychological trauma you experienced.
    Before I had kids, my friend’s daughter spit her unwanted cheese into my palm. Seriously, she lifted my hand, turned it over and spit it into my palm. I said, “EWWW!” and my friend totally ripped me a new one, because children are innocent.
    I have four kids, Don. They’ve never spit food into my hand.
    But Moo did suck on cheese puffs once. And then she shoved them under her bed.

    • That’s so nasty. Food stays in your mouth kid!!! Eat it!! Your friend sounds like a person I’d not enjoy spending time with. Lol. I don’t accept chewed on food, thanks. You tell that Moo that she eats all the puffs or none. Them’s the rules!

  6. I’ll see you at Chipotle. Their tortilla chips are bathed in sea and lime juice. Bring some Bud Light Limes along and we can share the bottle. Ewww.

    • I don’t think I’ve ever been to a Chipotle, Eric. How is that place? I like me some sea and lime juice chips. They sounds really good. While I’d not share a Bud Light Lime with you from the same bottle, my wife does enjoy taking the first swig from my bottle because she knows it makes me nuts. Women…what can ya do?

  7. Cheryl says:

    One of my roommates in college was a culinary student. Yup… you keep believing that restaurant food is completely free of cooties, Don. ROFL! I don’t know if my kids ever… um… tested… yeah, tested… the food and put it back. And I don’t wanna know. *shudder*

    • Surely they did. Your kids I mean. I worked in a restaurant for years and can’t believe what you’re implying. If you’re suggesting that they’re anything but clean, I’m a take offense!

  8. Carrie Rubin says:

    This may be the best diet plan ever. Now you’ve got me wondering if my boys ever did this. And here I thought pube talk at the dinner table was the worst I’d sustained…

  9. Ah, the joys of parenthood! Of course they stick their fingers in the peanut butter jar. They’re boys!

  10. juju333 says:

    Good luck with that! And this too shall pass.
    Seriously, you are safer eating at home…

  11. Jen says:

    Those little buggers are something else. They probably also let the dogs lick the food too. 🙂

  12. Pattie says:

    I found you from Foxy Wine Pocket (she is hilarious) and I am about to subscribe to a new blog. Yours. And yes, kids are gross as snot. I mean that as literally as I can.

  13. Mental Mama says:

    As someone who spent some “quality time” working in various Burger King’s during high school and college let me just offer this bit of advice…

    FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT THE LICKED LUNCH MEAT!!!

  14. lrconsiderer says:

    BLERGH! That said, I’ve had stuff which Niece and Neff have tried to get me to eat, which I’ve had to decline because of the sheer amount of THEM still left on it! The other thing I don’t like is when they share their stuff, and you KNOW that their hands could have (and probably HAVE) been ANY-FREAKIN-WHERE!

  15. shitastrophy says:

    They are like a walking diet! Perfect.

  16. Kristi Campbell - findingninee says:

    So I had a neighbor that worked in a restaurant and a dude sent back his burrito because the cheese was “too melted” (obviously a psycho because everybody knows melted cheese is the bomb) so the dude who had to remake the burrito blew his nose into the tortilla. You’re welcome. Because um maybe G and C saliva isn’t the worst you’ve eaten? Still, funny!!!!!!! I’ll like your dorrito dust anytime. Just saying. What?

    • That’s so not surprising, but still disgusting as all hell. Who wants unmelted cheese on a burrito? WTF? When I worked as a pizza cook, the dude next to I would get to laughing so hard that he’d drool onto the pizzas. I was that funny! We figured the oven killed the germs. Lol. Have you ever seen the moving Waiting? So good. I’m stingy with my Doritos, but maybe if you’re real nice…

  17. jgroeber says:

    Cracked me up! Really. It may or may not usually be my husband though, who licks the knife and uses it again in my house, not the kids. Although I have to admit, I was confronted by a roommate my sophomore year of college when she noticed that none of the Oreos in the package had any stuffing. “But I only like the stuffing,” I replied, “and they’re mine.” So, yeh. I sort of appreciate your boys’ humor.
    But also, I would not leave them alone near my refrigerator, I’ll tell you that.

    • Your husband is a lunatic! Does he double dip as well? Savage! I liked the double stuff Oreos, but I only liked the side that came apart with the stuffing still on it. The other cookie half was useless to me. My wife likes that other half. We’re a perfect match.

  18. 1jaded1 says:

    Eeew! Careful about restaurants. As icky as something might be (cold, overcooked, etc…) I’d never send it back cuz it may come back with an extra ingredient. Plus what Elyse said. The fact that employees need to be REMINDED to wash their hands after using the toilet, just sad. Better to stick with the devil you know.

  19. Ned's Blog says:

    Don, as I was reading this my dog started licking himself. The combination of that sound and the image of slobbered-on lunch meat was almost too much for me to stomach. Remind me to never come over for finger sandwiches.

  20. Paul says:

    You could always get even with them by sucking on their favorite cereals and then putting them back in the box. Ha! funny post Don.

  21. mistyslaws says:

    Yeah, I’m not big on the sharing of spittle. I’ve trained my boys from the beginning not to drink or eat off of each other, and I make sure nobody shares food/drinks. I’m pretty sure it’s been ingrained in them by now. And although sometimes it’s inconvenient when my 6 year old takes one sip of his water bottle and is done, and my other son is super thirsty, it also keeps them from passing all the sickies to each other, and to me. Licked lunchmeats. Hrck! I just threw up in my mouth a little.

  22. Twindaddy says:

    Okay, gross. I’d have to hurt mine if they were doing that.

  23. Oh man. I definitely feel for you. I can’t deny that it is super cute to picture your little guy licking your seeds and putting them back in the bag. The lunch meat not so much. 🙂

    You have quite the dilemma. You could lock up all the cabinets and fridge so that only you can access the food but then you would never be able to sit your gordo ass down and watch games while eating Doritos. Time to get your own stash of food and keeping it in a secret place in your bedroom! 🙂

  24. Isn’t there a famous quote? “Blood of my blood; spit of my spit.” I think it’s in the Bible or something. Anyway, most of the pizza I eat anymore is uneaten crusts off of kids’ plates. It’s all good.

  25. markbialczak says:

    Gack. I’m with you on the your-mouth-is-your-mouth thing, Don. My solution is a daddy shelf, highest of the cabinet for salty stuff. And what hideous-food wrapping could you stick your lunch meat in before you put it in the fridge? Or maybe just eat canned-tuna sandwiches until they graduate from high school?

  26. opticynicism says:

    And now I sit here shuddering to think what my 19 year old is still laughing about doing when he was a kid. Why? Why did you have to alert me to this and ruin my ignorant bliss?

  27. DYING. Dying. The seeds that have had the flavor sucked off of them?! Oh boy. Just wait until they figure out how to slobber all over a BLL and refill it with apple juice or something….

  28. julie says:

    oh dear. I didn’t have time for all the comments so I hope I am not repeating a solution that has already been offered. The way I see it, you can still eat at home, but you must finish whatever you open. Either that or open a fresh one every time you eat. yeap. You open that bag of Doritios you must eat the entire bag. Oscar Meyer makes an 8 oz bologna. That’s only about 4 sandwiches right? One sitting.

    Personally I am not so creeped out about it. My nephew is a germaphobe. We were at a bar once (when smoking was still allowed in bars here) and I dropped an unlit cigarette on the floor. When I picked it up and lit it I thought he was going to be sick.. He had hand sanitizing wipes in his pocket for after he played a video game. I don’t know how he leaves the safety of his house.

    • julie says:

      I used to bite the bottom corner of the assorted Fannie Mae chocolates to find out if it was a good one or not. If not it went back in the little paper and back in the box. Never stopped my mom from eating em. I probably would have gotten in trouble had I thrown them out!

  29. mollytopia says:

    Omg kids are so gross!!!! I’ll freely admit here that I don’t like to drink after kids, even my own. I’d rather just get up and get another bottle of water…Peanut butter is totally not safe btw. The knife will always be licked because they’re kids and that’s what kids do. Your best bet is single serving sizes of EVERYTHING : )

  30. Jen says:

    I just started reading your blogs and I think they’re awesome. Honestly, though, I was a bit offended when you referred to restaurant workers as “salt of the earth.” Yes, there are some raunchy people out there. Trust me, I know. But I work at a fast food restaurant and I bust my ass to make sure my 5….yes, 5…kids are taken care of. Granted, my fiancé works 40+ hours a week too, but it takes more than 1 income. Anyway, I know for a fact that our daytime crew is very clean and professional…. don’t know about evening or overnight crew ha. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we’re not all bad apples!
    BTW, totally agree on the slobber thing…ew!

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