Fun with letters…

It appears that it’s been over two months since I’ve posted anything on this floundering blog of mine. 


No worries, I’ve still been writing, I promise. No, not the novel that I may write on my deathbed someday, but rather letters. I spent the better part of a day recently writing letters to all of the companies who’ve pissed me off recently. That’s no short list. From Maytag to McDonald’s and everything in between, nobody was spared my lunatic wrath.


Since I have nothing better to share here, I’m going to share my letters to companies with shitty products and or customer service.


The first one for your reading pleasure is to Eastpoint Sports in New Jersey. Their quality products are supposed to bring years and years of fun. Look at these young, white people frolicking and enjoying their ping pong table below. That’s the exact table I was supposed to be playing ping pong on!




Look how happy they are! This could have been us, but our ping pong table never made it past being an eye sore on the basement floor in twelve thousand pieces.

Below is my letter to the company explaining my ordeal. They’ve still not responded, so they’re getting a follow up letter here soon. Enjoy!

———-

Dear Eastpoint Sports:

So the wife and I purchased a fairly expensive EPS 3500 ping pong table from Walmart.com, in the hopes that it would be a nice Christmas gift for the kids, since that’s what the older two kids wanted. Walmart.com was probably our first mistake, right?

 

We were pleased that it arrived at our local Walmart in enough time for me to assemble it in time for Christmas.

 

After borrowing a truck and hauling this nearly180 pound sonofabitchin’ box into my basement, I began to put it together. All was going well until I got all the way to step one and noticed that the brackets weren’t all the same size as the instructions suggested they needed to be. I figured I could make it work, so I tried to assemble the table using what I was given.

 

My progress stalled at step 6 wherein a leg from the table is supposed to fit into a bracket, rather neatly, apparently, if the photos are any indication. While I had a couple of different brackets, the legs I had didn’t fit neatly into any of them. I called and spoke to customer service and they said they’d send me new brackets. It was going to take 7-10 days.


This was aggravating because it meant the table would not be assembled until not only after Christmas, but after the new year when the kids would already be back in school from their break.

Whatever, the kids were still excited to see the table on the ground waiting to be assembled on Christmas morning, so it wasn’t a total loss.

 

We got the new brackets and I was excited to see they all matched this time. Unfortunately, they were all the same size as a bracket we already had, so the legs didn’t fit into any of them, of course.

 

Stymied and increasingly pissed off, I noticed on your website that the dimension of the legs on your table didn’t match the dimension of the legs I had received in my box. See, your dimensions indicate that the legs I need are 33 inches from from one leg to the other.




 

The legs I got, however, were not 33 inches apart. See?




Aha, I thought! The legs were the problem! As you can see from the attached photos, the distance between the inner leg posts (according to your own dimensions) is supposed to be 33 inches, and the distance between the legs I had received was closer to 21-22 inches. I called customer service again and spoke with a very condescending and rude Blake person, who was having trouble understanding my explanation of the difference between 21 inches and 33 inches. There is apparently a language barrier between my midwestern Missouri English and the Snookiesque English spoken in New Jersey or wherever you people are. I digress, because in spite of his attitude, he agreed to ship me proper legs so we could all move on with our lives.

 

The legs arrived in a proper amount of time, and I knew they had arrived when they did, because when my daughter got home from school, she called me immediately while I was at work to tell me how excited she was that the legs had come and that her table would finally be put together properly.

 

When I got home from an exhausting shift patrolling the mean streets of my city, I thought a game of ping pong would he relaxing and fun, so I opened the box that the legs arrived in right away, only to be disappointed that there would be no alleviation of my exhaustion or fun to be had on this night. You see, when I opened the box, I was faced with another set of the exact same, non-fitting legs that I’d already gotten in the original packaging.

 

I called and spoke to a couple more people in customer service. They spoke to managers and warehouse people and I believe a sandwich delivery guy even tried to help at some point, but for whatever reason, nobody could figure out why the legs didn’t fit.

 

The implication from the fine folks at Eastpoint was that I must be a moron. That had to be the answer. While they didn’t say that explicitly, of course, it was implied.

 

Knowing that I’m not the handiest fellow in the world, and that perhaps I was just a moron, I had another two people look at the legs, plus, my wife snuck her father in to try as well. If it could be rigged, he could do it.

 

No dice.

 

Twas not I who was the moron this time at all.

 

So, Eastpoint Sports, it would appear to me that one of the following is happening:

 

1) there’s a meddlesome employee at UPS or the post office swapping out the proper parts in my deliveries for improper parts just to screw with me,

2) you people are sending out incompatible parts to begin with and UPS is innocent,

3) your dimensions on your very own website are completely wrong or,

4) this has all been a bad dream

 

As I’ve pinched myself and it hurt, this isn’t a bad dream,but it’s been a very bad experience. I’m not saying your company ruined Christmas for our kids, because they’re good kids and a gift that never materialized doesn’t bother them in such a way.

 

It did bother me though, because I had to drag that 180 pound bastard of a table back upstairs, repack it, and have it hauled back to wherever it’s being hauled to. You owe me $147 in duct tape!

 

The waste of time and energy that went into this gift has been exhausting and it’s my hope that your company will do something to make it right.

 

I’m still baffled as to why this couldn’t be worked out, so if you figure it out, please let me know. I’m REALLY curious to get your answer as to why this is my fault.

 

Also, we’re still in the market for a ping pong table.

 

Regards,

 

DOAT

 

Don

 

 

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40 Responses to Fun with letters…

  1. beth teliho says:

    There are few things as annoying as false advertising or crappy customer service!!! Good for you for calling them out. Glad to see you in the blogosphere again, dude! Missed you!

    • Yeah, one woman tried to be helpful, but then gave up without fixing the problem. The other two were totally useful and may as well have just called me a dumbass. That may be true, but I just want to know what I did wrong that it didn’t work!!! Lol. So frustrating. It’s good to be back. Hey, I bought a book with your name on it!

  2. Kristi Campbell - findingninee says:

    Dude. Best letter ever. Sucks about your stupid ping pong table though. Since its March, it really should have been abandoned by now, used as another place for laundry.

    • Thanks, girlfriend! How are you? Yeah, we were looking forward to some ping pong. My daughter is so sad….she was crushed when we had to send it back. It’s not around to hang laundry on, besides, that’s what the treadmill is for.

      • Kristi Campbell - findingninee says:

        Poor kid. You should take a photo of her crying and send it with your letter. We had a ping pong table when I was a kid and it was YEARS before it was used for laundry. Plus, we didn’t have a treadmill so maybe it’d have even lasted longer than that. I’m good. I have a little heartburn though. Thanks for asking.

  3. Theresa A says:

    I’ve missed you. I was going to write to let you know how upset I was that i wasn’t getting my free blog, but my job in customer service at Eastpoint sports has left me little time to correspond.
    Let me say that its really super hard to get legs to match to the table….let alone hire an artist to draw thing-ys to scale. I dont understand what the problem is anyway because you’ve been sent all the right parts. How about setting up some cinder blocks – six to eight on top of each other in each of the four corners should work pretty well. Thats what we use here at Eastpoint for our desks and they work wonderfully. And the little holes make great storage space. So there you go…problem solved. BTW, Brandon is now a supervisor and he is not very happy with you. Its amazing the things you can rub on table legs before they go out the door….If you touched them, I wouldnt rub my eyes for awhile…..

  4. hollie says:

    Simply hilarious, Don! I had missed your posts, glad to see you back!!

  5. markbialczak says:

    Eastport Sports sucks. They’re now on my never-buy list. You have been beyond tolerant, Don. And for you to display this level of even-handedness … Just how many six-packs of Bud Light Lime gave their lives in the non-making of this ping pong table and making of this letter?

    This plays into a notion I’ve had for a while. When I am King of the World, every product, everywhere, must be made available to the consumer ASSEMBLED at no extra fee. Just think of the extra jobs created for truck drivers — and ping pong table haulers alone?

    It’s great to see you back, my friend. I hope all is well with the DOAT family.

  6. Mike Vogler says:

    Sorry for your Ping-Pong table fiasco, brother! I’m one of those self-saboteurs when it comes to putting things together. I detest the instruction manual and I’m wayyyy too impatient. So, I will holler at one of my more patient buddies to come over and help for pizza and beer. That’s how I roll. As far as McDonald’s…last year I sent them a letter, constructively making a complaint about a rude drive-thru employee. The store manager sent me a signed letter of apology, his business card and a $25 gift certificate. Have a great rest of your week and stay safe always, Don 🙂

  7. tric says:

    Ah feck it that’s the pits (Irish/English for Oh no that’s awful). I think I might have damaged it before I repacked it, by perhaps smashing it to bits.
    At least you figured it out, the genius I married would have spent weeks trying to put it together and eventually I’d have had to tell him it’s not possible, not a great fella for instructions or measurements.
    2months, you lazy fecker! Hope all are well in your world.

  8. Anonymous says:

    I hate when that kind of crap happens.

  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    The complaint letter that also entertains. Now that’s tough to pull off. Kudos to you! But sorry about the sucky table. I find it endlessly frustrating how customer service reps always assume it’s the customer’s fault, as if we’re a bunch of dolts in the kingdom of Doltland. And then, when they ultimately DO have to acknowledge the problem lies on their end, we’re lucky if we get even the teensiest apology. Grrr.

  10. Christina says:

    Really? A ping pong table? That’s why you haven’t been blogging? I thought you got shot in the elbow or won the lottery or something. A ping pong table? Go figure.

  11. julie says:

    I have missed you Don! I think the whole thing should be returned to them, where THEY can assemble it (since in theory, they have all the proper parts on hand) and send it back to you ASSEMBLED to make up for the time and aggravation they have put you through!

  12. mistyslaws says:

    Hey Don. Great letter. But I regret to inform you that nobody at that company read it and I’m sure it went right to the trash. The way you deal with them is to call and keep escalating until you reach the damn prez of that company and complain so long and loud that you end up CEO. Threaten legal action if needed. You can use my name if you want. That should do it! 😉

  13. You should have bought a dart board. Much simpler!

  14. REDdog says:

    Duude! Welcome back (says he who has been hot and cold for months) great to read you again! Sorry about the material you’ve got to write about though, sucks to be you right now. Whatever happened to the customer being the point…or right, even?

  15. Elyse says:

    I missed you too.

    Are they now cowering at your feet?

  16. 1jaded1 says:

    That sucks enough ass for me to want to unlike this, but you wrote it so well. I work next to a scripted call department and there is this one lady that I want to give a piece of my mind. She is so condescending but then asks can I further assist you..because it is part of the fucking script. Ugh.

  17. OMG! Forgive me, but I had several major laughs while reading your letter. Please note, I was not laughing at you, but at the who damned absurdity of your ordeal. I’d just like you to keep us all updated. If nothing else, maybe we can start a petition to at least have them acknowledge how they managed to make a mistake, not once, but three times.

    One last question: Do you have any hair left on your head, or had you already pulled it out before or after the duck taping?

    Another day in paradise. Where, oh where have the CSR’s disappeared to, or would it just be safe to say that this item was just another Import failure?

    Maytag? I could go there with you on that one. G.E. Kitchen appliances? Check.
    Toro lawnmower? Check.

    Keep your head up. We’ll fight this war with you. Then we’ll take on Congress. No work and they still get a paycheck. Thank God for the voting booth.

  18. TheMomCafe.com says:

    ACK!!! What a freaking NIGHTMARE!!! I’m thoroughly impressed with your stamina and your patient endurance in this total utter mess. I honestly think I would have LOST. IT. more than once, and given up far sooner than you did.

    Pathetic company. Will BAN it forever, in your name. 🙂

  19. Go Jules Go says:

    I forgot to tell you where my new job was, didn’t? I’m sorry. I’ve never been really good with numbers and stuff.

  20. Won’t you feel sorry for your snark when they send you a $5 coupon for any Eastpoint product purchase (of $300 or more) on Walmart.com!

  21. joe says:

    You are measuring 33″ at the top, they are measuring 33″ and the bottom…

  22. Kristen says:

    They are all from China or Taiwan and couldnt read a damn thing you just wrote! They’ll probably send you a set of chopsticks next! Been there. Done that! So frustrating!

  23. juju333 says:

    So sorry for your experience, however, it doesn’t surprise me since this has been my experience with “customer service” lately. It really needs to be renamed, “it’s your fault and until you prove otherwise its SOL for you”
    Either way, be happy you got rid of the piece of junk, since it most likely was only going to end up being a very expensive place for your family to throw their stuff.
    Good to know your kids are so resilient, a trait I am sure they learned from their parents. Also good to know you had a good holiday season.
    It sure is good to see you back on your blog.

  24. I love a great letter! Especially one in which vents warranted frustrations to the appropriate party ! Kudos to you! I can’t wait to read more letters. I am currently in the final draft edition of a letter to my son’s school about necessary tact when speaking with preschoolers! Imagine!

  25. Paul says:

    Don, you ratbastard, where’ve you been? great to see you back at it and this was an hilarious post. I’m sorry for your waste of time and your kids’ disappointment and yet you are the master of the obvious when it comes to humour (see the extra “u” there? – guess where I’m from).Keep on top of those cheatin’ pingpong table bastards Don. if anyone can straighten them out, you can.

  26. Best excuse for not blogging?Tick. And talk about a game of ping pong. But what a pain to have gone through. Shame they don’t have an office near you. It would be fun to demand your duct tape $147.00 in person. In uniform

  27. Good for you for complaining. I have hundreds of complaint letters that live in my head…none as entertaining as this one, though!

  28. ruchira says:

    Gosh…can relate to that esp when we bought furniture from a chinese outlet store….the agony came flashing back to me 😦

  29. “Some assembly required.” Very scary words on any box! We just brought home some items from IKEA, and spent a large portion of the weekend trying to fit Pin A in slot B. So I’m really sympathetic to your experience!! Fun post!

  30. Anonymous says:

    Hahahaha you are way too funny, I bought a Trampy Trampoline from them and ended up whining,crying and screaming Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, these instructions and parts don’t make sense and I am a smart person, what the fuck do dumb people do? I called my older daughter( IQ 145 Honors student ) outside to assist……she’s like what the fuck this is incomprehensible, B doesn’t fit into A and where the hell is C and why is this written in Korean? This is a Magna Cum Laude Graduate who received a full academic scholarship. I screamed, I need a man, tears streaming down my face,whined some more and told her little sister( who was supposed to be surprised at Christmas) I’m Sorry Babygirl,but I am getting you a kitten instead of a trampoline, okay? She was totally on board with that revelation. Then we commenced to lifting the 250 lb trampoline back into the pickup truck and went back to……OH GOD,PLEASE NO, NOT WALMART! My daughter circled the parking lot with the trampoline, while I cried in the endless Queue sporting my moose pajamas. When arriving at the desk an announcement on Overhead speaker system “Lady with the Trampoline needs pick up by the Garden Center, Lady with the trampoline needs Ass Ass ass assistance…… ” yay me, all eyes in Walmart on such a ladylike display. I highly recommend purchasing everything from Walmart so you too, can experience such an up lifting,life affirming humiliation.

  31. jcmindset says:

    What a nightmare! I hope they read it:-)

  32. shunjili2015 says:

    that’s so sad!! I hope there ok..

  33. Shelley says:

    And???????????????

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