Gman’s zero fucks, camping and other nothings for you…

Hot damn, exactly one month between postings. That’s not too shabby.

I know all of you are just dying to know what’s up in my world, so let’s get to it.

We camped.

As a family.

The whole fucking family.

Camped.

In the woods.

In this thing.

Home sweet home for a couple of nights.

Home sweet home for a couple of nights.

This contraption is hardly roughing it, I know, but it was still rough, since the closest liquor store was nearly an hour away.

The friends we camped with are a hoot. They’re nearly ten years older than we are and drank us under the table by a long shot. The wife and I couldn’t keep up, and that’s even with the children there encouraging us to drink by their very presence.

We only lasted two days and we had to go. The weather was too cold for my big ass to get into the river and it was about to start raining. We’re not savages for God’s sake, so we know rain is God’s way of saying, “Get the fuck out of my forest, DOAT clan!”

We listened.

Hopefully, we get invited again, in spite of our lameness and our children, because with some warmer weather, it’d be a blast to get drunk in the river.

Speaking of children, they’re still around nearly all of the time.

Gman joined me for a bus ride home on the Honkey Bus. He was less impressed than I think he had anticipated being.

I was all excited for this?

I was all excited for this?

He’s very difficult to impress, honestly. He’s too cool for everything, even when he’s asleep.

Giving zero fucks in my sleep.

Giving zero fucks in my sleep.

He started his athletic career with some tee ball. He’s also mostly unimpressed with that as well.

Giving zero fucks while playing defense.

Giving zero fucks while playing defense.

That’s Gman on the left, fully immersed in the ballgame to even hear his father imploring him to pretend as though he’s interested in anything but the post game snacks.

He’s able to maintain focus long enough to swing the pink bat (coed team) that he enjoys and occasionally runs in the direction of first base without much prompting.

Getting ready to battle the tee.

Getting ready to battle the tee.

This is actually a swing.

Lefty swinging pinky.

Lefty swinging pinky.

I do my imploring from the sidelines, as a spectator and not his coach. Gman is what we like to euphorically call “strong-willed,” so rather than risk the same head to head confrontations I had with Ace when I coached her as a 4 year old, I’m deferring to strangers to coach this child. I still coach Cool’s team because Cool is easy like Sunday morning, whatever that means.

Speaking of Cool, he got to hang with daddy at a bar finally. It turns out he enjoys playing pool and Golden Tee nearly as much as his old man. He was cracking me up with his focused squinty eye thing while taking his shots with the pool cue.

Such focus!

Such focus!

Cool gets very into whatever it is he’s doing and is way too hard on himself when he sucks, because being six isn’t a good enough excuse for sucking at things apparently.

One thing he most certainly doesn’t suck at is being a great big brother. The boys got to walk around Busch Stadium last week and they had a jolly old time with it.

Brothers getting along, briefly.

Brothers getting along, briefly.

Cool looks legit and Gman is at least wearing shoes.

Cool looks legit and Gman is at least wearing shoes.

Other than that, life is as always around these parts.

I had a brief affair with a $100 bill recently.

I sat in my driveway in suburban America with my bill and my beer and waited for something to happen.

Anything.

Waiting pensively.

Waiting pensively.

But nothing did.

The suburbs are so boring sometimes.

Nobody tried to rob me or ask me for money or cigarettes, or to inquire as to whether I wished to purchase my own stolen lawn mower back.

I sat out there with my bill and my beer for almost an hour and all I heard were birds.

Stupid birds.

I sometimes miss living in the city. The soothing sounds of traffic and sirens and gunshots is hard to let go.

Anyway, that bill is long gone, as is my beer and my desire to write anymore of this post.

How have all you been? Top notch I pray!

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64 Responses to Gman’s zero fucks, camping and other nothings for you…

  1. As always, you made me laugh. Did you stay in the SAME camper with your friends? I don’t care what anyone says, THAT would really be roughing it.

  2. Paul says:

    Don! Great to receive your monthly missive. Sounds like you got an awesome family goin’ there. I once had a brief brush with the camping thing – we rented 40 foot motorhome, loaded up the kids and in-laws and went for tour. Never, in my life, saw a vehicle that ate that much gas. The FIL loved it, the kids wanted to know why these famous parks had no video games and the wife cringed at fart jokes (and farts) as usual. You’d have enjoyed it Don. The motorhome had all the bells and whistles, and I discovered that by using the hydraulic levelers next to the driver’s seat, I could manipulate the angle of the floor so I could get cold can of beer to roll the whole length of the rig and into my hand. Others had a hard time sleeping after that as the floor kept changing angle. Ha!

    Awesome kids Don, Isn’t it amazing how strong and varied their personalities are even at a young age? Great pics. You’re a great Dad – even taking the kids for ride on the Honkey Bus. Ha! I was astounded at the sight of a $100 bill – and you got to actually HOLD one. Whew! Without the picture evidence I would never have believed you. All my money goes into my account directly then goes out of my account directly and what’s left over is never enough to ask for a $100 bill. Well done! Have a beer on me, my friend.

    • Lol, right? That $100 bill was a fleeting relationship as it quickly went to pay a debt that very night. So sad. I think an RV trip is something that SOUNDS amazing, but in practice, would be just awful for us. We would never last, no matter how accommodating the vehicle’s beer delivery service is.

  3. Oh my god, I love your little boys, they’re just the cutest. Mine is now 17 and barely even talks to me or his dad but I remember his first game of T Ball like it was a year ago. Love your writing style, you are so very funny.

    • Hahaha, he won’t talk to you? That’s good, right? Wait, is it? Time flies once the kids come around it seems. I already see tiny little babies and miss that so I imagine I’ll be missing tee ball age shortly. 😦

  4. KODonnell says:

    I wouldn’t camp out for two days if I were camping. But, you go Don Re. You’ve got an impressive haul of children though, I’ll give you that. Cheers, my friend.

  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    Your son looks like my oldest did when he used to play t-ball. He was always gazing off into the sky. Don’t think it was his calling.

    Glad to hear you’ve had time to booze it up. After all, that’s what life’s about. Oh wait, you mean it isn’t? Well, we’re at a water park for the next three days, so booze it up it is. That’s the only way I can tune out all the bacteria and hair of my fellow park attendees…

    • Well, hopefully when my son is denied access to a Prius he’ll come back to earth. How is yours doing? Have fun at the water park! Is it in Ohio? They really are gross.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Yes, it’s in Sandusky, OH. The Kalahari. Sounds very exotic, doesn’t it?

        The Prius just required a new battery. After ten years and 104,000 miles. But now it’s going strong as ever!

  6. I don’t camp. Not even in that thing. But I’ll join you on the driveway with beer and bills.

  7. Dawn says:

    I just went camping with four other women for an entire wkend. No boys or kids allowed. We had lots of food, a shot gun that at least one of us knew how to shoot, kayaks, air mattresses for the tents and booze…lots of booze. It was fabulous. I call it mom’s getaway on a budget. Sad but lovely at the same time. Reading this made me smile and laugh out loud. Glad I got to catch up on you and yours. 😉

  8. mollytopia says:

    I love these stories and pics of your kids! G-man cracks me UP!

    That camper was SWEET! Too bad it got cold. Totally agree that rain on a camping trip means you need to pack up your shit and move along.

    What’s with hanging out in the driveway with a hunny? If I ever have another one I’ll do that, too and we can compare notes : )

    • That hunny, like most of my hunnies, went to the babysitter. They’re few and very far between, sadly.

      • mollytopia says:

        Believe it. Three hunnies are going to our babysitter this week because Anna was too exhausted from fourth grade to be able to attend any camp this week haha. I’m fine with it – camp costs the same thing, so fuck it. Whatever makes her happy : ). I long ago accepted that my ass will be broke until she moves out…

  9. Kristi Campbell - findingninee says:

    I’m jealous that it was too cold for camping there. It’s like 100 here and humid and just plain disgusting. We used to go on awesome camping trips when I was a kid for weeks at a time. Now though, not so much because bugs and snakes and no toilets. Also I’m impressed that you AND your family AND your friends all slept in that thing! It must be bigger than it looks. Love the pics of the boys. Sorry hanging in the driveway with your beer and your $100 was so boring. Maybe next time you could have the neighbors call the cops on you or something just to spice it all up.

    • Lol, you’re silly. Camping is just…it’s just not my thing I guess. We’re always forgetting something or whatever and there’s no store around to replace it and well, you get it. Also, my phone was a dick and wouldn’t let me comment on Tucker’s birthday party. It looked like a blast, even if I would have had to curse you for being one of “those” parents.

      • Kristi Campbell - findingninee says:

        Your phone was less of a dick than you thought (or you were drunker than you realized) because you DID comment on Tman’s birthday “one of those parents” thing. You professed your undying love for me so the internets shredded your divorce comments and placed them in cyberspace hell. (I know! I was excited too!)

  10. You’ve helped me make a decision. I’m taking the kids and we’re all going camping. And by ‘camping’ of course I mean to a bar to play pool.

  11. Cassandra says:

    You would have to pay me a lot more than that $100 to go camping. I am impressed that you even lasted two days in the woods.

  12. lrconsiderer says:

    Camping? You’re MAD!

    I would have made some kind of fun for you, for $100.

  13. jane_gassner says:

    Ummmm, ya think all the baddies know what you do for a living. Why–there are some who might shout, Entrapment!!!!!

    • The thought of the baddies reading my blog has my head spinning. You think they do?? Lol. Nice recovery below Miss ironic comment. You can never be too sure about comments anymore.

  14. jane_gassner says:

    That was an ironic comment…should anyone think I was serious and get their knickers in a twist.

  15. Elyse says:

    There is nothing I love more than time spent in the woods. Unless, of course, it’s a nice, comfortable bed in a house with actual walls, a roof, and an absence of wheels.

    I hope you get invited back, too. This was fun to read and I think that you need to hear more birds and fewer gunshots. Even though you probably know better how to deal with the latter.

  16. Going anywhere with the whole fam damily is rough enough, Don, I’d never judge your camping style 🙂

  17. Aussa Lorens says:

    You are so out of control and I love it.

  18. markbialczak says:

    Cool likes damn good with that cue period, Don, never mind for a 6-year-old. Congrats on sneaking him into the bar! Did your wife get (even more) pissed when he got back home at told her all the “guys” started calling him “Fats” and he loved it?

    I hope you didn’t have to drive that camping contraption. Too wide, too long and two-day-and-out-let-the-old-guy-drive-it-back-home, yup. And by old guy you mean your friend who’s a 10th of that 100 buck bill younger than me still most likely, so … watch who you’re callin’ old, buster.

    Hey Gman, don’t pay attention until there’s a pitcher who just might bean you in the noggin.

    Good to see you, Don. Happy Bud Light Limes to you. I hope there was no straw to burn in that bar where you and Cool also spun the Golden Tee ball.

  19. Love the rig! If I went camping these days, that’s what I’d love to use. With my creaky joints and cranky back, if I can’t sleep in a good bed, I don’t sleep. Your boys are too cool. My Little Man just finished his elementary school (6th grade) and not a moment too soon. This last year was hell. However, tomorrow we’re heading out for a few days of “camping” at a friend’s time share condo type place, with a heated pool, directly across the street from a beautiful beach on the Pacific Ocean. And I don’t even care that we might get rain.

    • It probably wouldn’t have been too bad were it just two of us in the thing, but 9 was a bit much, no matter how small the smallest two were. I like the thought of a beach. We’re headed there in July, but on the other side of the country. Enjoy yours!

  20. My sister and her hubs have a large RV, I made the mistake of roughing it with them one time. “No Thank You!” … I’ll be down at Motel 6 roughing it.

  21. Anonymous says:

    My kid gives zero fucks too. Unless you are trying to measure her head for a bike helmet. Or climbing a tree and catching a real live fucking BIRD. Whose almost 4 year old catches a giant crow in a tree?

  22. cookie1986 says:

    My kid gives zero fucks too. Unless you are trying to measure her head for a bike helmet. Or climbing a tree and catching a real live fucking BIRD. Whose almost 4 year old catches a giant crow in a tree?

  23. Jude says:

    My father built a camper on the back of his 1965 Chevrolet pick up truck, but kept the tailgate on with the camper. So when we traveled, usually around MO, the tailgate would be closed, and we would be trapped inside until Dads discretion to release us from the camper. Pretty sure now-a-days that method would be illegal. The threat of major urination in his camper was good cause to stop. …but sometimes it was after the fact.

  24. I hope you sharpen up Cool’s skills and then you guys can start doing the grift at the pool hall.

  25. Juju says:

    DOAT!!! So good to hear that all is safe and sound in the burbs. I too live in the burbs but if I sat in my driveway with money and a beer the beer would be stolen. That’s just my neighbor- shout out to CARL!
    Call me crazy but I love camping. When I was a teen our family took off in a purple van and drove from Maryland to California camping the entire way in pup tents. It was great in spite of my father who barked orders and tried to make our trip horrible. BUT we wouldn’t let him. The hubby and I camped in historic cabins last summer; a cot and the bath house up the hill. It was fabulous. The pool was like ice water so he wouldn’t swim in it but he did get in the falls.
    Have a great summer!

  26. tric says:

    God love your poor little ones and their genes. Two days camping.. what is that all about? I’d have stuck it out until all wine was gone.

  27. 1jaded1 says:

    Camping is 99% fun. Boo for biting bugs and sucking mosquitoes. Good to read you.

  28. Maggie O'C says:

    Top notch. Missing you. Missing blogging. Yer kids are so cute, so ridiculously cute.

  29. jgroeber says:

    We always drive by the people who sit in their driveway and drink beers, and my kids point and say things like, “That seems like a bad idea.” (I mean, there are free beaches in town.) Now that I know the guy might have a $100 bill I’m tempted to stop by. (Bwah ha ha!)

  30. I think I spotted two beer boxes at your camp site? Your friends out-drank you because they can! Now that we are empty-nesters, we drink like there’s no tomorrow! We don’t have to worry about kids being around. Just you wait.

    The boys look so adorable! Good call on not coaching Gman. It never is a good thing unless you have a child like Cool. You are a smart man! As to excitement…maybe in 19 years when Gman goes to college?

  31. OneBusyMama says:

    Ha ha. I get the kids thing. CamMan is 6 and BeanBoy is 4!!! They have white different attitudes. Right?

    Our camper is much smaller and has a roof made of canvas so….I am jealous of the big one! But….we love camping none the less!

    I love your posts. Good to see you post again!

  32. David K. M. Klaus says:

    Cool looks very much like Beaver Cleaver would, if Ward had ever taken him to a bar or pool room, however unlikely as that may seem.

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