Me: Well, I made it to 40, but my body feels closer to 60. I eat too much junk and drink way too much beer. I can’t help it, it’s so wonderful and makes the pain go away until morning. I’m a functional jackass doing the best I can with the gifts God gave me.


Wife: This gal rocks! She’s still smokin’ hot and keeps this clan from devolving too far back towards chimp-like behavior by staying on top of shit! We’ve been together a long time…like 17 years now. She’s super lucky to have me, of course. She follows my blog, but I think she only reads it from time to time to make sure I haven’t gone too far. Good luck, dear! She’s living the dream!


Ace: She’s 9 and totally awesome. She is really an unbelievably low maintenance kid. I am super proud of the little lady she’s become, but she has a lot of me in her personality, so she can get lippy.


Cool: Formerly known as Cdawg, he’s informed me that he doesn’t like being called Cdawg.  Fine, what if I call you Cool?  He liked that, so we’re good with Cool.  He’s 4 now and is the clown of the group, even though he’s sharp as a tack. He’s just one of those kids people like. He’s soooo good hearted it’s sickening, and he looks EXACTLY like me.  It’s a little creepy.


G$: Well, wow! Yes, we love him very much. He’s…busy? Yes, busy. He’s unlike his older siblings in all respects. They were easy kids and he’s making us earn our stripes. He’s starred in several posts alone already; he’s just that, uh entertaining!


Jojo: She’s 12. She’s our dog. Yellow lab. She was with me when I was single and childless so she’s seen a lot. She likes to reminisce about those days, but wouldn’t trade anything for the way things are.


The public: Oh, God Bless you people out there! There’s so much entertainment to be had by just observing you. You are the chimps to my Jane Goodall. I couldn’t make half the crap up that real life puts right in font of my face to write about. Thank you for being you. Stay classy.

Well, we weren’t dysfunctional enough already, so we decided to do something about that.  Since I’m fixed and we’re out of bedrooms, more kids are out of the question.  Since the neighborhood won’t let us have a pet spider monkey, we settled on another puppy.  She was just a baby when we got her, and she’s been with us for a couple of months now.  She’s the reason I’m up at 7am typing on a Sunday morning so I’m not loving her that much right this second.  She had a zillion ticks all over her body when we got her, but she’s doing fine now.  The kids named her Carly with a Y.

She stops running full speed sometimes...

She stops running full speed sometimes…

39 Responses to Cast

  1. Pen says:

    Jojo looks like a sweetheart. Oh, and the kids…
    Can you tell I’m a childless dog lover? 😉

    • Jojo is a sweet girl. Sooooo patient with the lil bastardos! She used to sleep in Ace’s room under her crib.

      • Pen says:

        That is utterly sweet. My guy’s dog is also a sucker for kids. Mine…not so much. But it’s only for lack of experience. She’s tolerant, but not enthusiastic. Much like myself. Ha.

  2. Le Clown says:

    Your wife is much prettier than you.
    Le Clown

    • Le Clown.

      No shit, sir! Lol.

      She used to drink a little too before the kids. Now I guess she’s stuck. In her defense, I was a lot prettier when we first met back in ’96.

      Thanks for following my silly blog, I’m semi-honored!

      • Le Clown says:

        I guess you drink to forget that you married better looking, right, and to drown your shame and inadequacy? I get that.
        Le Clown

  3. aliciabenton says:

    I always say God tricked me into having another kid by making the first one so damn good. Sounds like you may have been duped, too. 😉

  4. I love them all, I love your style of writing. Good luck with everything, you cool and awesome person! (By the way Merbear with her incredible blog Knocked Over By A Feather is to thank for me finding you)
    Lorna xx

  5. queenlorene says:

    How does one pronounce G$–Ja’money? I am sitting here in morbid fascination over this one…..

  6. Amber Perea says:

    You’d have to be drunk, stoned, and blind to think you’d look Mexican, sir. And I’m 33% of that statement right now (It’s my day, darn it! Lol).

    Ps- your wife is wicked hot and your kids are cute as a button!

  7. abbbz says:

    OMG you have me cracking up at my desk- so my usual hateful coworkers are hating me more. Thanks for making me laugh and I am SO super excited to read a blog from another person who loves their kids but is not one of those annoying-my kids are the best kids out there people.

    • Ah, I always love to hear that a reader laughed, especially if it disturbs people around them! Yeah, these kids are ok, but they’re not great or anything. Geez, get over having them like it’s a huge accomplishment or something.

      • abbbz says:

        Oh I hear that – for me it was more of an accident ( all be it a good one) but accidents none the less. The only credit I’ll take is keeping them alive on a daily basis-which is a miracle since my plants just commit suicide so I will not torture them to a slow agonizing death!

  8. There’s nothing more precious than family… And doggies are right up there with the kiddos. Beautiful group you have there. I love hearing a man brag about his wife!

  9. You: Cute eyes but haunted, like you’ve seen too much. As if you were a cop or something. Administer gooey cookies every six hours.
    Wife: Even cuter eyes but filled with waaay too much wisdom, like she’s seen some shit, too. Bake her the cookies. Serve warm with whiskey rocks..
    Ace: Has the smart-alecky smile of a funny lawyer. Brace yourself for the late puberty years, particularly the dating.
    Cool: Yeah, he’s you, alright. May God have mercy, etc., etc. Don’t let him drive. Install a LoJack in his underwear.
    G$: He’s different from the rest of you but he won’t spring it on you until you start giving him an allowance. Then the businessman will emerge like a genie from a lamp.
    Jojo: Deserves ten belly rubs a day just for the patience.
    Carly: When paws are that squeezable, you BETTER run.

    Me: A writer impressed with the writing.

    • I love me some gooey cookies!! Hmmm, you’ve actually pegged everyone pretty well. It’s a little frightening. You’re impressed with MY writing?? That’s sweet of you to say.

      • Yeah, I have the gift for reading people. What YOU’VE got is the knack for succinct, powerful prose. Direct and immediate, good stuff. Must be from all the police paperwork.

        Hey, I asked about Schlafly’s and it was a no-go. Portland, Oregon, offers an astounding assortment of craft stouts (I’m on the lookout for number 47 as we speak. Come on, autumn!) but the stores only have so much shelf space. Turns out, breweries tend to be split down the Continental Divide, distribution-wise. We don’t get a lot of stuff from ya’ll on the East Coast (of the Mississippi). Have you ever enjoyed Widmer Brothers’ Milk Stout? You can stand a fork up in it.

  10. Pingback: The freshly pressed honeymoon is over… | don of all trades

  11. Nice to meet the gang! G$ sounds like my Little Man; who earned the nickname of Motor Boy before he was 2 years old. I’ve only had one experience with an “easy” kid, and she was not mine.

  12. Two things that are just awesome. ‘You are the chimps to my Jane Goodall” and “Since I’m fixed…” Good lord. Hilarious.

  13. Pingback: The Winner Takes It All | kissmeoutofdesire

  14. Just stumbled upon you. Good for me!
    G$: is that as in G$Cricket?
    With all the “drive by” media pushing the cop-killer narrative, it’s refreshing to read that there are good, decent human beings out there on the street who have genuine concern for their fellows. Keep up the good work. And about those folks who want to share a prayer for/with you: you deserve it.

  15. Don, reading your “Meanwhile Just Outside Ferguson” post, found by my wife, brought a needed smile to my face after a scowl had settled there for several days. Thank you for that. Reading that and some of your other posts, left me reassured that since I have left law enforcement in St. Louis, there are still good people with good hearts carrying on there and doing their best to touch the hearts of the people around them; while still fighting the good fight against the dangerous people who walk among us. Keep laughing when you can and stay safe, Tim.

  16. FitsofWit says:

    Great cast. Looks like a fun bunch.
    Does Ace bump into stuff much with having Bud Light Lime bottlecaps as eyeballs?

  17. That’s an amazing family you’ve got there! 🙂

    Your wife is so pretty and the kids adorable! 🙂 🙂

    May God Bless each of you ALWAYS!! 🙂

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