My 4 year old son recently called me fat.
With absolutely zero malice intended, he simply asked me in the middle of casual conversation why I was so fat.
My initial reaction was to put down either the cake in my one hand or the beer in the other and slap the shit out of him. I even considered putting both items down so I could choke him Homer Simpson style, but fortunately, my rage quickly subsided and I was left feeling numb.
I was numb because he was right and I had no response. I couldn’t tell him that he’s fat or stupid or ugly, because he’s none of those things. The boy hasn’t even got a set of hips to hold a pair of pants up. He was just calling a spade a spade so to speak. Ah, out of the mouths of babes, right? The little fuckers…
In my mind, I’ve known I’ve been getting fat for the better part of 15 years. A few pounds here, a few there, it adds up.
Sitting on one’s ass eating salted or sweet snacks and sucking down 12 packs of beer will do that to even the best of us formerly thin people.
I thought I could hide it pretty well by simply buying larger clothes, and I could for quite a few years, but it’s gotten beyond that now. It’s no longer hideable. Is hideable a word? I don’t even know that for sure because of all the fat on my brain.
I know it’s bad because I’ve become one of those people who can’t stand the sight of myself in a photograph anymore. I used to be a narcissist when it came to pictures I was in, but now I cringe when I see myself in a photograph.
It ain’t pretty folks. I mean I know a camera adds 10 pounds (it does, right??) but this is ridiculous!
I wasn’t out exercising on purpose here. A neighbor girl left her bike in our garage and I was returning it because it was taking up space where cases of beer could be stored.
I guess I’m lucky that I actually have a pretty good metabolism for a fat guy. I’m also lucky in that I’m not built to be fat. I was built to be medium sized, whatever that means.
I’ve not exercised much in the past 10 years. Add that to the amount of beer and junk food I’ve consumed during the past decade, and I should be somewhere near 300 pounds!
But, if I laced up my running shoes tomorrow, I’d be able to jog 5 miles with little trouble. It wouldn’t be a world record pace, sure, but it still counts. I started running when I was 7. I ran with my parents; they were both joggers. I think all those years running have helped me to just be a fatass today instead of a super fatass.
Now that I’ve outed myself yet again as being a fatty, I feel as though I must do something about it. The wife and I keep talking about getting into better shape, but apparently, talking about getting into shape over a plate of pancakes or pizza isn’t the same as actually doing something about it.
Sometimes we just need a little push to get us moving towards doing something that we know we should be doing already. My boy recognizing that I’m fat along with a new development at work have me motivated to start dropping some pounds.
I’m going to try a realistic plan to lose some weight. My goal is to drop 50 pounds. That’s a shit ton of weight, but I think that’s what I need to do. Sadly, that still leaves me heavier than when I was in the police academy 15 years ago.
What does that mean to you, fair reader? Probably nothing, but I may post about my weekly exercise accomplishments or failures so that you can tell me to quit being a lazy fuck and go run or lift weights or whatever. I’d call you fat and lazy and stupid to help you lose weight, so I hope you’ll all do the same for me.
I’m going to be realistic in my approach, and that starts with this: I’M NOT GIVING UP MY BEER! That’s non negotiable, sorry waistline. I may cut back to 9 per serving instead of 15, but that’s really dependent on the day. Some days just require 15 beers.
I’m also not one of those people who’s going to punish himself by not eating whatever it is I want to eat. Same as with the beer, I’ll try some much better portion control before I give anything up completely. I can survive on 6 tacos instead of 10, right?
So far this is going great!
I plan to jog 4 times a week, just like I did during the miracle of 2011. I ain’t jogging no 6 miles anymore, but I think 12-15 miles a week is doable! Add in a little bit of weight lifting in the basement, and I’m confident that I can lose a few pounds in no time!
So that’s what I’m up to friends.
Please feel free to mock me or encourage me or whatever during my weight loss journey. If you’re lucky, maybe I’ll post some more pictures of myself. If you’re unlucky, they may be shirtless pictures!!
I’ve not had any breakfast this morning and I’m using Splenda instead of sugar in my coffee. I can feel the burn already!
Thank you for your support!