Eh, it’s a late to the party post mostly about 2014 goals.

The other day, I wasted a good half an hour putting together a post that sort of summed up our Christmas break and rehashed my life in 2013. I was going through each month, sort of reliving my life through blog posts. While I was amused at what I read, it quickly dawned on me that others would probably find it to be a bunch of self-serving crap. It became too link laden (I dislike more than one or two links in blog posts, and even then…) so I punted it to the draft folder with the 70 other posts that will almost certainly never make the varsity squad.

I read several blog posts instead, in the hope that something would inspire me.

Of course, there were many about New Year’s resolutions, so I figured, what the hell, I’ll try that.

I cracked open a Bud Light Lime and wondered what my resolutions for 2014 would be.

I thought about not drinking beer, but that thought came to me as I was lustfully gulping from the bottle of beer I’d just opened, so that one was out in a hurry.

Then I thought about curbing my foul language, at least a little bit. That sounded great in theory, until I muttered out loud, “you’re a fucking idiot, Don; you can’t do that.”

I was right about that. I mean, I do have to drive to get where I need to go, and the kids are at me to play this new Super Mario Bros. game. Have you ever played this? Playing the game alone is pretty annoying. Playing it with a ten year old girl and a four year old boy makes it super fucking annoying. A game has not brought out such animosity among DOAT family members since the awful card game Phase 10.

Worse than Phase 10.

Worse than Phase 10.

We fight over who gets the mushrooms or the flower or the penguin suit and then all the characters get into each others’ way and it goes downhill pretty fast.

I’m not proud of myself, but I may have actually used Mario to pick up Cool’s Luigi and killed him by throwing him into a pit while shouting, “Fuck you Luigi you guido piece of shit!” Cool thought it was the funniest thing ever, but I’m moderately ashamed of my behavior in hind sight.

Before I’d ever played the game, I’d scolded Ace a few times about how she was talking to Cool while they played, but I get it now, Ace. I get it.

I was about to just say screw it all with the resolutions when I realized that it was pretty nice outside. By nice, I mean it was nice enough to go jogging without having to wear 47 layers of clothing, so I did that. I ran 7 miles and felt pretty darned good afterwards.

Since drinking beer rules and English is my second language behind Vulgar, a fitness goal will have to suffice. I like the word goal rather than resolution because it seems more tangible.

Regular readers know that weight loss is something that I kick around from time to time, ever since Cool called me fat one morning and this was put in front of my eyeballs, courtesy of a neighbor.


Damn everybody with their cell phone cameras!

By avoiding a scale or mirrors while nude, it was pretty easy to convince myself that I looked fine, but there’s no getting around this here fella above being a mastodon instead of a healthy don. Ha, see what I did there?

The good news is that since this epic picture was taken, I’ve mostly eaten better and have jogged somewhere near 300 miles. In spite of abusing myself with beer and junk food for three “holiday” weeks, I’m still 20 pounds lighter than I was in this picture, and more importantly, I feel much better. I’m down to my last belt loop and confidently bought a pair of jeans a couple inches smaller around the waist than I’ve been buying.

Even so, there is still much to be done. My goal for January 1, 2015 is to have my fat ass under 200 pounds again. It’s been over a decade since I was there, but it’s where I’m meant to be. I’m not built to be big.

By going straight to a New Year’s post, I feel as though I’ve missed out on sharing a Christmas wrap up, so here’s what Christmas has brought to our house.

Here is Ace with her face in her new iPad mini (it happened, I know we suck, right?) while Cool watches.

photo 5 (2)

Here Cool has said, “fuck that noise, I’ll join her.”

Hello? Is anybody listening to daddy?

Hello? Is anybody listening to daddy?

Here we are just Daddy and the kids out to breakfast. Oh look, Ace is iPadding still. Is that a word?

Hello!?? No? Free puppy? Nothing? Ok then...

Hello!?? No? Free puppy? Nothing? Ok then…

Here are all the grandkids at grandma’s house. You get the idea yet?

Hooray, electronics!

Hooray, electronics!

It’s not as bad as it seems. Sometimes they stop to eat and to play the awful Wii game I mentioned above.

Having blown my wad on the aforementioned electronic devices that Santa was unable to produce for various reasons, saving money is also on the list of 2014 to do’s. With that in mind, step one is that the DOAT clan will be kicking cable to the curb for at least six months.  I’m interested to see how long we last before resorting to violence.

I hope all your hopes, goals, whatevers for 2014 come true for you and your family. To those of you who made 2013 so much online fun, thank you!!

Wish me luck!

*Holy cow, this post is under 1000 words! You’re welcome!

This entry was posted in Family, Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

77 Responses to Eh, it’s a late to the party post mostly about 2014 goals.

  1. ardenrr says:

    Ummmm … that bicycle picture is my fave.

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    Good luck with your goal, Don. Fitness in the name of health is a good one. I think you’ll do fine without cable. I’ve been without tv for going on 2 years and my nickname was Ms. TV. Happy New Year.

    • My biggest concern is that I won’t be able to watch the Blues make the playoffs and then get ousted inexplicably in the first round as usual. How do you manage with the Red Wings? If I make it through winter, then the baseball season will beckon, but I have an app for that at least.

      • 1jaded1 says:

        I do the ESPN mobile. It really isn’t the same as watching, but living in Chicagoland I didn’t see too many Wings games, anyhow.

  3. Happy New Year, Don. I keep waiting for your bicycle picture to jump the shark, but it never does.

  4. Melanie says:

    Did Ace question you at all about the whole China/Santa Apple/iPad contract lie or did she just accept the magic of Christmas and Daddy’s wallet and say thank you for the gift?

    • Well, it was Santa who couldn’t/wouldn’t do the Apple products, so wife and I took all the credit for it. Santa brought her other, non Apple licensed crap. Hope you had a great holiday, Mel!

  5. aliciabenton says:

    I hope in addition to the iPad, Ace also got some new bicycle tires. Just saying.

  6. ksujulie says:

    Happy New Year!!! Yes, bicycle picture is definitely my fav. And good luck with your fitness goals!! Run another half in KC!! I’ll cheer you on! And we can drink beer at a KSU bar 🙂

    • OMG, I was at the mall last week with the kids because I hate myself and a little white man crossed our path wearing an all purple KSU sweat suit ensemble. By the time I wrangled G$ back into my sight and got my phone out, he’d escaped into the crowd never to be seen again. I was so going to make fun of you with it, but it wasn’t meant to be. Happy New year to you guys too!

  7. Maggie O'C says:

    Good for you 20 lbs! I hate electronics and life without cable is also known as death.

    Happy New Year!

  8. markbialczak says:

    I agree with your first reaction, Don. It’s not the belly-over-the-handlebars fault, it’s the neighbor-with-the-cellphone’s fault. Good for you already dropping 20. When I hit the last belt hole, it was traditionally in the other direction. I’m more careful now, too. Happy New Year, master DOAT.

  9. you’ve had an awesome year!! so impressive!! you’ve done so much this year, you don’t need to resolve to do anything else – just keep doing what you’re doing.

  10. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I love that Wii game, except for when the kid thinks the goal is to knock my character off the screen instead of the mushroomy creatures. I spend most of the game sulking, refusing to pop that bubble-thing that allows you to play again.

    Happy New Year and glad Christmas was good for y’all too 🙂

    • hahaha, Cool has to spend a lot of time in his bubble so we can get past certain obstacles. He loves his bubble whenever he gets in trouble. Of course, when we die and he’s in his bubble, we give him trouble. He can’t win the poor kid.

  11. lrconsiderer says:

    I’m not sure pink and sparkly’s *quite* your colour…

    Good resolution dude 🙂

  12. Twindaddy says:

    I haven’t had cable in years. I haven’t missed anything. That I’m aware of…

  13. Carrie Rubin says:

    I have played Super Mario many times. I used to play it on the old Nintendo system back in the 90s. I was a resident at the time, and I cussed that thing out like crazy. Hard to believe, I know. But I was childless at the time with no little ears around, and it got out my work frustrations, so it served a therapeutic purpose. Now I suck at it, and my kids mock me. So what else is new…

    Congrats on the weight loss. That’s awesome! Guess I won’t send you any of my Scotcharoos then.

  14. I don’t know about anyone else – I see a picture of a man who is making sure his daughters bike works before he gives it to her, if he can ride it with out falling apart then he put it together well! 😎! That’s what’s my dad told us about testing EVERYTHING, Halloween candy, toys, whatever. Lol.

    Happy New Year!

    • Haha, sadly, that was a neighbor girl’s bike. She left it in our yard and I was trying to be nice by returning it. See what nice gets you? Happy New Uear to you as well, thank you!

  15. Ohhhhhhhh my gosh that photo made me laugh. You look SO HAPPY!!! Just LOOK how happy you are to be riding a small bike? I think in order to get back under 200 pounds again you should ride that bike. EVERY DAY. For an hour. You could revolutionise weight loss regimes. I need to get me one of those 🙂
    Best of luck with the goals and happy new year!

    • Hahahaha, even your comments are exquisitely fun! That was a neighbor girls bike that I was returning. I may use Cools bike. It’s even smaller, but it’s blue at least. Fitness revolution!! Whoop!

      • Please use Cool’s bike. You’ll look far more manly on it, as it’s blue. Begin the fitness revolution! Write a book! Call it ‘The Small Bike Diet’, with the tagline ‘Small Bike, Big Weight Loss’, and obviously the cover features you on the bike THEN and you on the bike NOW to show just how many pounds you can drop on the Small Bike Diet!! This is the second business idea I’ve come up with in 10 minutes, after advising Liz at Food for Fun to write a marshmallow recipe book. I’m on FIRE today! 🙂

  16. NO cable?! And how hilarious that English is my second language right after Vulgar, too?! Cheers to a new year DOAT!

    • Thanks, lady, and same to you. The wife, Todd and Margo and I are kicking around a marathon in Nashville this spring. Might hit you up for fun places to eat and drink afterwards. Mostly drink. Lol.

      • Excuse me? You’re going to ask my opinion on where to drink and not invite me?! I ran the Country Music Marathon two years ago and I will tell you that it is not flat BUT if you make it to mile 23, they give you a small Dixie cup full of beer that I even drank because, goddamnit, I was finishing that bitch! Please come – if I don’t run, I’ll be your cheerleader!

      • I didn’t say anything about not inviting you! It’s all very tentative right now though.

  17. Ah, the next generation… Wait till they’re face timing each other across the table. I figure it’s only a matter of time. After all, how often do we see folks who are next to each other texting… Pretty soon the need for tongues will be relegated strictly to sex (one can hope they don’t choose to go the way of Demolition Man in that area). LOL!

  18. No cable??? For who? You? The kids? Everyone? This is stressing me out.
    And, I hate how easy it is for men to lose weight. I mean, I’m happy for you.

    • No cable for any of us! We haven’t pulled the trigger yet though. I’m sort of chicken for whatever reason. That weight losing wasn’t “easy”, I ran a whole ton and ate better! If I could just give up the beer, I think I’d lose another 20.

      • Well, I think there is some scientific crap that does say that it is easier for men than women….but, running has to help! I cannot just pick up and run 10 miles…I’m jealous of your ability to do that. Instead, I can make it about 2 run/walking and then I call it good. It’s so BOOORING!

  19. You can play Mario Bros? I’m so impressed. The weight? I’m impressed with that also. No cable? Bravo to you. I couldn’t do it. Happy New Year!

  20. Koa says:

    That picture is awesome!!! And every time I see you post a run on Facebook I get a little bit mad and wonder why I want to be your friend, because I hate being the jealous friend. And, tell me more about this no cable thing. Like, how do you get sports, specifically? Specifically college football. I suppose I could drop it until September, then start it up again, then drop it? Or what am I missing.

  21. Daile says:

    Awesome work on the weightloss Don.
    Like Arden, that bike pic is a personal favourite of mine. Now it’s on the internets you cannot escape it!
    Don’t stop cussing, it would be too weird. We like you just the way you are. Full of swearwords and incredibly verbose.
    Happy New Year DOAT clan

  22. Nadia says:

    Aww, Don, you are adorable on that bicycle. Gets me every time.
    Good luck with the weight loss and well done on running more than 300 miles. I usually only manage to the fridge and back.
    Happy 2014!

    • Happy 2014 to you as well, Nadia! So great to see you around again! I look forward to more Brisbanian entertainment. The beautiful woman above is from those parts as well. You guys know each other though, right? Blog know at least? Daile.

      • Nadia says:

        Thank you! Yes, blog know for sure. I’ve heard so much about her dating adventures which I’ve been missing out on while I was away. I’m dragging my ass over there. Pronto.

  23. findingninee says:

    The ipad is a life saver, and an asshole. From me to you. Also? Here’s to caving for Christmas (SOFUCKINGTOTALLY().

  24. menopausalmother says:

    Getting healthy is always a good resolution but I’m not sure it’s gonna happen on that Barbie bicycle. LOVE the picture, though. Funny post!

  25. Go Jules Go says:

    I’m totally stealing “won’t make the varsity squad.” And the iPad mini.

    Congratulations on all you’ve already accomplished, fitness-wise. I think you’ve got this in the bag, my friend!

    Happy New Year!

    • Same to you, toots, you look fabulous! You are welcome to steal any of my quips you like, ma’am, but I’m pretty sure Ace will stalk and harm you, should you steal her mini. I’ve though about taking it myself several times.

  26. Oh God, Don. That picture of you on a Barbie bike will bring me joy for days. It also inspired me to subscribe to your feed. The fact that you called Luigi a “guido piece of shit” is just a cherry on the Sunday. Here’s to losing weight while consuming calories from a Bud Light can! (Personally, I am just buying a few new duds 2 sizes up. But that’s just me.)

    • Lol, buying new clothes is expensive. It’s really ok until winter when i have to put my ass in some jeans or other long pants. That picture is a reader favorite for sure, so I’m glad to hear you enjoy it as well. “guido piece of shit” is really an underused phrase, isn’t it? Thank you!

  27. Nice! I’m familiar with the electronics glow face. We see it a lot in this house (on my face as much as any, I ‘spose).

    You and I have similar goals … Getting sexified in 2014. Bowchickabowwow.

    Funny you mentioned being under 1K … As I got to the part where you started wrapping it up, I thought “wow. That was short!” Lol

    • Lol, yes, I can be long winded for sure, thank you. Cool, the 4 year old is the worst culprit. He’s obsessed with electronics. Here’s to getting sexified! Maybe we need a contest?

  28. bethteliho says:

    love this post, Don! And congrats on the running and weight loss!!
    head over to my blog when you get a chance, got some sunshine for ya! xoxo

  29. mistyslaws says:

    Happy New Year, Don. I’m catching up on blogs, don’t sue me! Here’s to a better year of health and a smaller Don in 2014. Cheers!

  30. Haha good luck!!! Sounds like you are well on your way! I prefer goals to resolutions too. It is essentially what they are. Have fun and tell us some stories along the way.

  31. mollytopia says:

    That bicycle pic is one of my favorites! Thank you for not making any resolutions – I’m not either. My goal is to think of a goal. Totally working on that. Best wishes with your under 200 goal – you can do it! Also? Your kids look like every other kid, including Anna: screenface mcgee. Sigh. Oh well. Happy New Year Don – looking forward to all your posts in 2014!

    • And YOU Molly are one of my favorites! Are you on the beach at this very moment thinking of a goal? I could do the weight thing, but the more I think about it, the more i really like these lucky charms i got from Sams. I have gone 5 days sans beer though, so that’s something. Avoir m’aimee! I don’t know if m’aimee means shit, but I thought you’d think me classier were I to use it. Bye now.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s