I had such a wonderful time reminiscing about my experience as a near Chopped champion yesterday, that I’ve still got food and cooking shows on my brain. Let’s clear it out with another post concerning cooking, even if it’s sort of a forced post.
Aside from those two fat chicks from the show Two Fat Ladies, tv cooks are, for the most part, a bunch of pleasant to look at skinny minnies nowadays.
I don’t trust skinny cooks.
I mean come on, whose food would would you rather eat, this skinny woman’s offerings?
Or food served up by these fine ladies?
Well, that’s a bad example, actually, because the large ladies cook in the UK. While immensely entertaining when they cooked together, they rarely cooked anything that I’d ever put in my mouth, even if I was triple dog dared. While I have nothing against rendered fat drippings per se, their use of rabbit and squirrel and quail and such doesn’t suit my palate. Come to think of it, I guess food isn’t the first or even tenth thing that comes to mind when I hear UK. Sorry UK peeps, but your food sort of sucks.
Ms. De Laurentiis, on the other hand, despite her waifish build (chest and head notwithstanding) cooks excellent Italian fare that even I can duplicate with much fanfare from the family.
But, looking all pretty alone in your kitchen that overlooks the beach isn’t reality for most of us. It’s perplexing to me that a food channel hasn’t seized the opportunity to find somebody to host a cooking show that’s infinitely more realistic than what’s shown nowadays.
They could just make it reality TV and follow somebody around during dinner on a weeknight. Here’s a typical night with me making dinner. Well, typical if the kids don’t have practice or a game to get to. Would you watch this crap?
Start show with scene showing Don drooling on himself with his face smashed against the disgusting window of the honkey bus after a long day at work.
Don exits bus, gets in his car and picks up the boys who’ve managed to find red and blue suckers at the babysitter’s house again.
Don and boys are sitting in car in babysitter’s driveway. Cool wants to know why they aren’t moving yet since they’ve been in the car for 3 seconds already. Don sighs, contemplates ending his life by jamming one of the hundreds of discarded sucker sicks strewn about his car into his ear, but isn’t sure it won’t just hurt his eardrum and not kill him.
Don texts wife:
What’s 4 dinner?
I was just thinking about killing myself with a sucker stick.
That would probably just hurt your ear – don’t you have your gun with you?
How about chicken picatta and noodles? 🙂
Don drives boys home and slips off his shoes. Don almost manages to take off his tie as Cool and G$ both begin demanding something to drink.
Cool says the word outside and now G$ wants to go outside badly. He is following Don around with his little shoes demanding that Don put his shoes back on his feet and take him outside.
Don, clearly frazzled, yells at boys to please shut the fuck up for 3 minutes so he can go potty. Don feels bad for saying fuck, but at least he said potty.
Don goes potty.
G$ is now trying to hammer a triangular block into Cool’s non triangular ear hole causing Cool to scream. It doesn’t fit which pisses G$ off so he screams as well.
In spite of the surround sound screaming, Don fills a pot with water. Don turns towards stove with pot of water and trips over 90 pound dog who snuck up between his legs.
Wet and pissed off, Don curses the day the dog was ever born and throws her outside like he should have done when he first got home.
Don cleans water up and refills pot. Don checks path to stove. All clear, pot is on burner successfully.
Don goes upstairs to take off work clothes and lies on bed for 72 seconds of rest. Don wonders if he could kill himself by jumping out the bedroom window. Don assumes he’d only break a leg or something since it’s grass underneath so he gets back up to finish dinner.
Don puts on raggedy mustard stained t-shirt and shorts from a pile on the ground to go along with black dress socks and flip flops he’s already sporting.
Don goes back downstairs when he hears Cool yelling for help.
Don finds G$ pinning his older brother Cool to the floor while holding him in a head lock. Don tells Cool he’s the older brother and that he should quit being a pussy. Don goes to find frozen chicken breasts in garage as boys continue their battle.
There is no Bud Light Lime in garage fridge. Don curls up into fetal position on garage floor and weeps softly to himself for several minutes.
Don finally finds chicken and begins to defrost it in microwave.
It’s 5:25 pm and Don realizes his daughter Ace needs to be picked up from school at 5:30 pm.
Don texts wife:
r u able to get Ace on your way home from work?
I think so, yes.
I thought about killing myself by jumping out our bedroom window.
Please don’t kill yourself inside the house!
Don is relieved to not have to leave to get Ace.
Don can take no more of the screaming, so he yells at the boys to shut the fuck up again and convinces them that it would be fun to go play the Wii together.
Boys are playing Wii in living room peacefully now while Don gets out all of the ingredients for dinner.
Wife calls Don.
“The highway is a mess, you’ll have to get Ace at 5:30”
Don looks at clock. It’s 5:34.
Don says ok, hangs up phone, remembers to breath and counts to ten.
Don sees chef knife and wonders how long it takes to bleed to death.
Don remembers he doesn’t care to be poked with things and decides to carry on living.
Don leaves chicken defrosting in microwave and contemplates the water on the stove situation.
Getting Ace could take 10 minutes, can I leave the water to boil that long while I’m not here?
Don decides against it and turns off the burner under his near boiling water.
Don contemplates leaving boys alone for 10 minutes while he gets Ace. Don has a vision of G$ chasing Cool with the chef knife and decides to ask wife first.
Don texts wife:
Can I leave boys home while I grab Ace? I’ll turn off the stove.
WHAT? NO! YOU TAKE THEM WITH YOU DUMBSHIT! ARE YOU NUTS?
I thought of killing myself with the chef knife.
Not the good santoku knife I hope!
No, the one from Kohls.
Oh, ok. Go get Ace, you’re late!
Don grabs boys to get Ace.
Boys bitch because they were having fun.
Don gets boys into car and goes to the school.
Ace is not paying attention by looking out the window for him so he has to go into the school in his flip flops, black dress socks, ratty shorts and mustard stained white t-shirt. Of course there’s an event so hundreds of people are milling about.
Don finally gets Ace and returns home sure that DFS will knock on the door sometime this week.
Don realizes he forgot to stop at liquor store for more beer after getting Ace.
Don turns burner back on under the pot of water and covers pot.
Boys are demanding food while Ace is demanding help with homework.
Don excuses himself and returns to his fetal position on garage floor to sob quietly again for three more minutes.
Don goes back inside.
Don sees ceiling fan in living room and wonders if he can hang himself from it with his tie. Don remembers he installed that fan and is confident it won’t hold the weight.
Don texts wife:
Can boys have crackers before dinner?
I thought of hanging myself from fan.
Not the good fan in living room, right? And not with your good tie I hope! And I said not inside!
Don gives boys crackers and sits down to help Ace. Don doesn’t know what the fuck a rhombus is nor can he remember how to multiply fractions anymore. Do the denominators need to be the same? His mind goes blank.
Don is alerted back to reality by microwave bing.
Don checks chicken. it’s nowhere near defrosted.
Boys are done with crackers. Cool wants more milk and G$ wants more food.
Water is now at a rolling boil in pot.
Mutiny is near certain.
Don wonders if pouring boiling water on his head would kill him. No, probably not.
Don checks chicken again, it’s still pretty frozen.
Don collects all the ingredients for the chicken picatta from the counter and puts them back where he found them.
Don throws a handful of crackers on the floor to distract G$ and gets Cool some more milk.
Don parks Ace in front of laptop and introduces her to Google search engine for help with math.
Don takes semi defrosted chicken to the sun warmed patio outside. Don flips dog the bird while she looks at him cockeyed.
Don goes back in, grabs his pistol and wonders how painful a bullet hole to the head could really be.
Don remembers wife said to not kill himself inside. Don loves his wife, so he goes back outside to patio.
Don throws chicken into trash bin outside and grips pistol.
Don fires pistol 16 times into trash bin while repeating fuck you frozen chicken repeatedly.
Pistol now empty, Don looks up and waves to a neighbor he didn’t see across the way standing on his deck with his mouth agape.
Don goes inside, grabs box of macaroni and cheese and boils noodles for seven minutes.
Don strains noodles, returns them to pot and adds milk, magic cheese powder and butter.
Don stirs noodles and dinner is ready.