On cottage cheese and being run over by a jeep…

What a stupid title for a post.  Forgive me, friends, but I’m at work (shhhhhhh!) trying to squeeze in a post real quick.  Normally the work computer won’t allow me to access my own blog to edit or create new posts.  I assume it has something to do with the gratuitous use of the word fuck as it normally tells me “ACCESS DENIED due to site containing…..”adult material.”  Uh, we’re all adults here Websense, you prick!  Besides, the software clearly doesn’t read my blog regularly, because calling the content adult is a stretch at best.

Anyway, for those still new to this here blog who weren’t scared off by my disdain for sickly children’s parents and their hatred for birthday snacks in school, I’ve made threats off and on for the past few months that I was going to lose a little bit of weight.

This here picture of me that my neighbor was kind enough to post on Facebook was sort of the last straw.

Oh Don, it's gotten bad.

Oh Don, it’s gotten bad.

Wait, no, that’s not the one…stand by.

Here we go…

941632_10152830130750206_1022058551_nCrap, this one may actually be worse!

For those who’ve asked, that’s a little girls bike, not a full sized bike!!  Geezaloo!  The little girl who owned the bike left it on my lawn overnight like we’re Alabamans, so I was being nice and returning it instead of tossing it in the trash out of spite.

The picture has been making its way around the interwebz with my friends all being total dicks at my expense as usual, ha ha ha, look at Don, he looks like a circus bear, etc.

It’s my own fault for posting the picture when I wrote about my wanting to lose weight after my four year old asked me why I was so fat.

After a couple of weeks pushing myself to the brink of diabetes, I finally decided to take the plunge and train for a half marathon as a way of getting back into semi-decent shape.

Boy this post is going nowhere fast, but the point of part of it was to address the many of you who’ve been kind enough to inquire as to how it’s going.  Well, by many I mean two or three of you.

For three weeks I’ve jogged every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday without missing a single day.  I’ve logged 43 miles thus far and have watched what I’ve been eating a little bit better than usual.  I don’t deprive myself by any stretch in that I’ve put away a 16″ pizza in one dinner sitting and have had my share of beers a few times as well.  I’ve had WAY fewer beers than normal though.  In fact, the last 12 pack of Bud Light Lime I bought was for my daughter’s birthday party (that’s right, I drink at my kids’ parties!) back in early August.  I’ve eaten a LOT of cottage cheese!  I don’t even know if it’s good for me or not, but I’ve grown to hate it, so it must be good for me, right?

The stuff I buy at home is low fat, so its awfulness varies from quite putrid to to oh my god this is fucking terrible, depending on the brand.

I even order it as a side dish at the chicken palace a lot now.  I suspect they don’t use low fat cottage cheese because it’s not terrible. While it’s probably not as healthy for me as I want to believe it is, it beats the double order of crinkle cut french fries that I’d been eating there for ten years, several times a week, for sure.

Depending on the scale’s mood, I’ve lost between ten and 15 pounds, so let’s call it ten.  I believe that’s real weight and not just water loss.  I notice that I don’t have to suck my gut in as far to put my gun belt on, and that’s the real test for me as to how I’m doing.

I was feeling pretty good about myself when Cool (my four y/o) was kind enough to put me in my place again.

We got a call for a woman in distress?

We got a call for a woman in distress?

He caught me without my shirt on and came up to me just as nonchalant as could be and asked me why I had big ones like mommy as he was literally cupping and patting my manboobs pecs!


Seriously guys, they aren’t that bad!!!  He’s four!!!  They’re certainly not as big as his mother’s awesome “elbows” as Cool calls them.

Anyway, in spite of what he thinks, the whole thing is going great.  I bought some new shoes from a running store and they’ve really done the job with respect to keeping my feet from hurting too badly after I run.  I’ve only done five miles for a long run so far though. The real test will be when I go eight or ten miles.  If I feel ok after those runs then I think I’m in the clear as far as registering for a half marathon in Kansas City in late October.

Oh, here’s a gratuitous G$ shot after he was the one run over by a Jeep.  I was going to talk about the weekend a bit, but this post has gotten away from me already.

We have ten houses on our street and about 16 kids all ten years old and under.  It can be a zoo in the cul de sac, especially when they all have their bikes or electric rides out.  We’ve had numerous accidents on the street, and G$ was the most recent victim.

While he was getting the hang of his strider bike, Cool and his partner in crime struck him with one of these, knocking him to the ground.


While G$’s face was kissing the pavement after the initial fall, Cool turned around to apologize to me for running his brother over while simultaneously pumping the accelerator again to finish the job.  Tragic.

I’m sure Cool wasn’t getting back at G$ for anything G$ may have done earlier in the day like breaking Cool’s crayons; it was just an accident.

He can be cute when he's not screaming.

He can be cute when he’s not screaming.

His chin took the brunt of the damage, but I wasn’t about to risk waking the sleeping beast to get the money shot!  You get the idea.

Tough booger that he is though, he grabbed a Popsicle, wrote Cool’s name on his list of people whose asses he needs to kick some day and carried on.

This entry was posted in Family, Humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

56 Responses to On cottage cheese and being run over by a jeep…

  1. Jolene says:

    Keep up the good work!!! pretty soon those man boobs will be flat as a pancake!! ….. ohhh and cottage cheese is gross!! blah!!! i’d rather starve

  2. momtimes4 says:

    Well, good for you! I was actually going to start jogging tonight but it’s like 97 degrees today, so I will probably put it off…

  3. It’s entirely possible that Cool and the owner of the bike are in cahoots. Four-year olds rock!

    Congratulations on the success.

  4. Kristen says:

    Wait a minute???? I’m confused????Cool has a uterus???? Lol

  5. Congrats on the weight loss. I’m at about 40lbs lost but I’ve been doing it since May. Exercise is a big key to losing weight. You are on the right track!

    • Since just May of 2013?? That’s great!! Thanks for the encouragement. I hate that it’s a process, but I understand it at least. Gonna have bad days and I don’t let it get me off track like I used to.

      • Yes, this past may. My blog is mostly about that, among other things. Keep it up. I had very bad days but just kept thinking the more I lost the more I don’t get Diabetes which runs on my family.

  6. tric says:

    Ha ha. Who are you convincing us or yourself? “I believe it’s real weight and not water loss!”. Priceless. Mind you not everyone has a gun belt which might be a bit tight though, so respect. Glad to hear you are still in training. My husband runs and when I say he jogs he gets so cranky telling me what he does is running not jogging. keep it up only another 200 km and you should be fit and slim. 🙂

    • Well, maybe a couple pounds is water weight, that’s why I went with the lower end number, thank you very much! What I do is pretty clearly jogging and sometimes ever more of a fast walk quite frankly. My goal will be to beat my 2011 half marathon time, so we’ll see. What the hell is 200km, like the length of a football field??

  7. Blogdramedy says:

    What?! You mean it’s not all muscle under that tee shirt?

  8. Melanie says:

    If that 16″ pizza is from Imo’s, it doesn’t count as a real 16″ pizza. Feel better?
    P.S. Imo’s rocks!

  9. Wait, you have boobs? Does that mean you have a uterus too?? 🙂

  10. Actually Don, us ladies are wondering what’s going on with your shorts in that picture rather than your weight 🙂
    Seriously – good going on the weight loss. 10 lbs is no easy feat. And I agree with Jolene on what hell cottage cheese is.

  11. Katia says:

    First of all OMG. Kudos for squeezing in a post like that at work! It takes me about a week to write something this detailed. Secondly, I LOVED your introduction, your work work computer’s a jerk if doesn’t understand we’re all adults/kids here. Finally, you’re absolutely right, anything that tasted that bad must be healthy for you. I applaud you. I’ve been trying to harness my will power but to no avail so far. Finally finally, your kids are adorable with or without bruises.

    • Ha, well thank you for the compliment re: the kiddos! They’re cute like their father, of course. The work computer is fickle in that it wants to forbid everything, but there always seems to be a back way in somehow. It’s interesting that you say it takes while to write posts because I’ve sort of wondered how long it takes people to write them. I’ve only written one post that was drawn out over one sitting as I don’t have the patience normally. That’s why I could never write a book I guess. If I can’t sit down and hammer something out fairly quickly, then I lose interest. Thanks again, Katia, you’re awesome!

  12. aliciabenton says:

    Awww! Poor G$. 😦 That looks awful. He needs to put Cool on his ass-kicking list twice for that crap!

    Oh… and cottage cheese?! Really? It looks like what your kid would puke after three bowls of cereal. Gross. Can’t you just eat some celery instead?

    • My kids can handle their cereal just fine, so I don’t know what you’re getting at! Cool is ALWAYS on G$’s shit list, that’s why I wonder if the second push of the accelerator wasn’t an “accident.”

  13. ardenrr says:

    I was going to leave a snarky comment but then I remembered that you’re armed soooo great job Don!!

  14. ksujulie says:

    You are a better man than me. I am trying to train for a 5k. Half marathon is not even on my radar. Congrats!!

  15. Mental Mama says:

    Thanks, Don – I so totally needed this today.

  16. Poor little guy! Congrats on losing the weight!! 🙂

  17. Congrats on losing weight! It’s not easy.

    • Thanks, Kitt! It’s taking longer than I care to wait, but I know it’s a process and since I can tell it’s working, I’ll do my best to stick with it. Taco night didn’t help tonight, but we can’t be perfect every night, right??

  18. First off, you should ride that bike pic all the way to the bank! Second, good for you for keeping at it. I was so active until a couple years ago, then I just kind of stopped and I’ve put on on extra 30 lbs that shouldn’t be there. The booze doesn’t help, but not quite ready to give that up!! My old man basketball league starts back up in a few weeks, hopefully that will get me motivated again!

  19. 1jaded1 says:

    Leave it to a 4 year old to call out moobs…I only laughed a little…well ok, a lot. On the flip side, I hope he is doing ok…

  20. Laura Lynn says:

    If you lost weight, well I found it. God damnit…

  21. I Am Jasmine Kyle says:

    I’m FAT and I just don’t really want to loose weight. I’m TIRED stressed and it’s LOW on the list. SO of course as I read this I’m jealous then I”M TIRED! OH how the pendulum swings!

  22. I thought of you last night when I was ordering my dinner at Applebee’s … I didn’t get cottage cheese as a side, though, because I ordered a salad. So, now I’m wondering if I can have any of the residual effects of your running if I’m eating better … sharing is caring, right??!

    • OMG, a person who eats at Applebee’s!! We were just wondering the other day who does that still!!!?? Lol.

      If by residual effects you’d like my persistent sweating for three hours after a run and constant pain in some part of my lower body, then yes, it’s all yours!

      • It was a class fundraiser where a portion of our total bill (15%) would be donated. Otherwise, I’m not a fan. I don’t think I ever walked out of an Applebee’s saying “wow, that was a really good meal.” It didn’t happen last night either, for the record.

  23. A.J. Goode says:

    You’re doing great, Don! I’m impressed at the amount of running you’ve been doing. You kep fighting the manboobs . . . I’m trying to get rid of my backboobs. Yuck.

    I just want to know one thing, Mr Police Officer: Did you issue a citation for reckless driving?

    • Thankfully, we live outside my police jurisdiction so I was able to turn a blind eye with respect to tickets. I did, however, make him watch his brother enjoy a popsicle while he went without. Well, he went without for like 6 minutes and then I felt bad so he got a popsicle too. Then I had several popsicles and it was a mess…Backboobs?!!!! YIKES!!! LOL!

  24. mistyslaws says:

    Have I mentined that your kids are kind of assholes? I mean, they are cute assholes, but that does not negate the previously stated fact. It’s a shame they didn’t obtain more traits from their mom. 😉

    (You know I’m kidding. Don’t go all Daddy rage smash on me, ok? My kids can be real assholes as well. They’re kids. It’s their job!).

    Oh, and good job on the running. My fat ass ain’t doing it, so bravo to you, sir.

  25. PinotNinja says:

    Congrats on the running success (and ancillary weight loss). I think a 1/2 in October is a great goal and that you can lay down a 6-8 mile run this weekend.

    Also, I know its not BLL but, for weekday drinking, I made the switch the Miller 64 in an attempt to hold onto my fighting weight as I age, and it hasn’t been terrible.

  26. Congrats on your self discipline and progress. I am – once again – starting a new phase of trying to be better. Went to a trainer today for the first time. I’m supposed to log my activities and what I eat and drink for a few days and I am already picturing the look on her face when she reads it Friday. Sitting at computer, yogurt, chips, sitting, hotdog, wine, sitting, pasta, wine. Repeat.

  27. findingninee says:

    I think your uterus is hanging out of your shorts a little bit in the bike-riding pic. Also, haha that your four year old grabbed your man boobs. A guy I work with has HUGE flabby bouncy man boobs and I CAN’T STOP STARING AT THEM. Like for real, they look like a chick’s. Without a bra. I want to buy him a bra. The weirdest thing is that he’s not that overweight. BUT he has these flouncy bouncy boobies. Weird, right?
    So seeing your pic, nah, your manboobs aren’t bad at all. In fact, you rock that mini-bike like nobody’s business. Also, huge congrats. I am the laziestfuck around recently and noticed that my pants are too tight. Time to go back to the gym because it’s not helping anybody that each time I go it costs me $200 since I hardly ever go. I should start running. God I hate running. But I’m psyched for you and I totally would have gone with the bigger number on the scale so I think that says a lot.
    Also, your kids are freaking adorable.
    Also, I can’t believe you eeked out a post at work. You’re my new hero.
    Also, this comment is reallyfucking long and I’m supposed to be “working” right now. Laterz.

  28. Be sure to do you monthly self breast exam. Moobs account for 1% of all breast cancer…
    Seriously though, good for you – you really flattened out that kid’s rear tire!

  29. The Hook says:

    Hilarious and brilliantly-written post!
    Thank you!

  30. TIA says:

    Funny! Good luck with your new training regime…and just a side note….I drink at my kids parties too 🙂

  31. mollytopia says:

    Geezaloo! Where do you get this shit? I love it! Also I better be in the 2 out of the 3 you’re referencing about asking about your progress because I’ve totally asked! Congratulations on 10 pounds Don – that’s awesome! And congrats for being put in your place by your little dude AGAIN hahaha. Kids are the greatest, ain’t they? Sorry your little man got run over, but yes he’s awfully cute when he’s not screaming. I’m going to eat some more snacks now and hope the inspiration of your post stays with me overnight and I exercise tomorrow. Love love love this post, as always : )

  32. Congrats on the weight loss, man boobs AND having your kid live through the tragedy of being run over by his brother (kinda sounds like you live in the deep South). I also knew you were my kind of people because my mom always drank liquor from a coffee mug at our childhood birthday parties.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s