The fried chicken palace adventures…

Believe it or not, this post began as a seed in my tiny, atrophied brain as a post offering parenting tips to first time parents. As a father of three, of course I’m qualified to help others become great parents, just like me. However, I somehow got sidetracked and that topic never got fully fleshed out. Lucky for you, I plan to revisit my parenting tips post later. Instead, enjoy a couple of my favorite restaurant’s finest characters.

Who doesn’t love fried chicken, or fried anything for that matter?

One of my many jobs is moonlighting as a glorified security guard at a restaurant in the city that offers large portions of food, mostly fried, at very reasonable prices. They’re known for their fried chicken, but serve many different types of dishes, nearly every one of which is delicious and terrible for your health to eat more than once a month.

Because it’s so affordable and the food is good and plentiful, the customers come from all walks of life. Human being-like creatures who would never ever eat out in public anywhere else will come eat at this restaurant because they can do so in their sweat pants and tank tops or even just in whatever it is they wore to bed the night before. The first of the month crowd that I touched on in this post is a favorite customer of this restaurant. Here is a recent customer as an example:

I'm just gonna sit here in the fucking doorway a bit...

I’m just gonna sit here in the fucking doorway a bit…

Go ahead boys, fall in love, because she was single. Bertha VonMilkshakes here was in this exact position when I showed up at the restaurant one night. She had ordered not one, but two plates of fried food for herself, a half chicken plate and a fried catfish plate. That’s a whole lot of food for one person! That’s a lot of food for three people, really.

This is the chicken plate:

A half a chicken and 2 sides should be enough for one person.

A half a chicken and 2 sides should be enough for one person.

The catfish is the same thing, but with fried catfish, duh.

Anyway, Bertha ordered her food and then decided to go outside to have a smoke while she waited the entire 7 minutes or so it was going to take for her food to arrive at her table.

Not only is she morbidly obese, but she’s a smoker, has a mustache and chin hairs, and worst of all, a shitty disposition! Look, if you’re going to be obese and not tend to yourself in any way to make yourself presentable physically, the least you can do is try to be pleasant so we can laugh with you and not at you. This woman was none of those things and didn’t give two shits about it. I guess that’s something to admire about her at least. Oh, and she STANK something fierce!

Anyway, her food comes to the table while she’s outside, but suddenly she realizes that she’s not able to navigate her fat ass up the 5 inch step to get back into the restaurant. Having left her cell phone at the table, she YELLS into the restaurant to her family that they have to leave. She is literally stymied from going back inside to eat by her inability to lift her fucking cankle 5.1 inches off of the ground! She had apparently used the handicap ramp to get in originally, but that door was now 14 yards away and entirely too far for her to attempt to reach at this point.

When she was told she’d have to pay for the 50 plus dollars of food she ordered (no small feat at this restaurant) for herself and her nearly as corpulent family members, she about had a heart attack. She stood briefly and yelled at one random stranger about what a ridiculous policy it was for a place to make a person pay for food that they ordered but couldn’t eat inside because the restaurant didn’t have a winch to retrieve wayward fatasses who’ve become beached in the smoking area outside. Thankfully, before she could mother fuck everyone else, she ran out of breath and sat back down. She was finally satisfied when assured that she could take her fried food, shame and what little bit of pride she had left home and wallow in all of them in the privacy of her own living room.

That was a few weeks ago and is my favorite non criminal incident at the restaurant. While I was working there last night one of the many currently pregnant servers asked me something or other about diapers for her future spawn. This must be where the original helpful parenting tips idea came from. She’s having a boy and wanted to know the best kind of diapers to get. Well, of course the best kind of diapers to get are the cheapest ones!

I was so pleased that I’d answered my friend’s question satisfactorily, that I wondered if others could use my parenting advice to help them not be such loser parents. Is there a need for my parenting advice?

That question was answered later in the night when Tammy Trailertrash and her husband came into the restaurant at two minutes before closing time with their two year old daughter.

Mom tried to assure everyone that her screaming daughter isn’t always a bitch, she’s just tired. No shit, lady, it’s 10 fucking o’clock pm! Take the kid home! Oh, and she may also be crying because she shit her pants. In addition to the stench, we can all see that it exploded out the back of her diaper and up her back. That’s probably uncomfortable on her skin.

Momma was holding the little stinker, and dad finally decided that he was going to pretend to be helpful by grabbing the baby around the waist while mom rooted through the diaper bag. In doing so, dad got baby shit all over his hands. When momma left with the baby for the bathroom, he didn’t follow her even though he clearly had shit all over his hands!

Instead, he uses his shit covered hands to pull out a chair for himself, sits down, and then peruses a menu. All the while, he’s looking at his hands as though they were new to him or as though there was some strange substance all over them. He even sniffed them at one point. Holy fuck! It’s turds you idiot!!! What do you think it is?!! Grrrr. When momma came back, daddy finally, and thankfully, went to go wash his own hands. I guess he had to make sure nobody stole their table or roofied his or his fat wife’s drinks even though there was nobody else in the place but them at that late hour. Their stinky diaper ran everyone else away

I assure you that nobody did steal their table or roofie their drinks though, as I’m an excellent guard and I make sure nobody gets their tables stolen or their drinks roofied, no matter how disgusting the people may be.

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92 Responses to The fried chicken palace adventures…

  1. ardenrr says:

    HOLY TURKEY LEG! I think hers is bigger than Fatty Patty’s!

  2. goldfish says:

    Lol. Sometimes, I don’t miss the midwest at all. 🙂

  3. Mental Mama says:

    HOLY FUCKING CHRIST YOU FOUND THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!!!

    As a woman who is considered by some to be fat, let me tell you – there’s “fat” and then there’s “sweet jesus that thing is going to eat the children!” I’m just fat. And I’ve already told the people who matter that if I even *start* to approach that kind of fat, they have my full permission to take whatever means necessary to remove my access to my pie hole until I trim down again.

    Seriously, that is just beyond disgusting.

  4. cookie1986 says:

    I fucking hate people.

  5. aliciabenton says:

    Ha – just when I think your posts can’t get any better, you outdo yourself!

    It’s a good thing they let Chunky Chicken take her food with her, or she may have just eaten the poor prego waitress.

    The people you run across in your random jobs are amazing. You should definitely start taking more pictures!

  6. Wow…you have just made me feel better that I only lost 1 lb at my weigh in last week. That woman is large. I could never be that large. I love life to much and someone who is like that, can’t love life, or themself or anything on this planet for that matter. As someone else said above, there is “fat” then there is “sweet jesus that thing is going to eat the children!” (well put Mental Mama).

    I actually had a bad parenting incident just this past Sunday at a Denny’s. A family at a booth would not watch their 3 year old girl who was running around the restaurant. She eventually, got to my table and started playing with and pulling out the chair at MY table that was next to me. I’m trying to eat and this child was climbing on a chair at my table.

    I promptly turned around to the family (which consisted of parents that looked like they were 19 and their parents that were illegal and didn’t speak english, don’t get me started on that!) and I said “can you PLEASE watch her?!”

    I got vacant looks and finally the young man grabbed her but she eventually started running around again but I was done by that time.

    It was so disheartening because that Denny’s is my favorite and I’ve always had good service there.

    • I hate unruly kids being allowed to be unruly by their idiot parents. I’m surprised this happened at a Denny’s though. At some point, you have to stop yourself from ruining yourself. I’ve gotten there myself, so surely she must’ve had a point where she knew her weight was out of control. I hate to make fun of people for weight alone though, because there could be reasons. This woman was atrocious beyond just her weight. Even if she were a super model, she’d still have been a bitch.

  7. merbear74 says:

    Maybe she needs to put down the bong too…

  8. LindaGHill says:

    That second story makes my eyes water. Ugh!

  9. That was pretty tame! Maybe the less we know about restaurants the better?

  10. Holy hell!! If you’re going to be that fat, you gotta be jolly! She obviously didn’t work on developing her sense of humor while sitting around sucking on cigarettes, drinking those 2 liters of soda and eating artery-clogging food! How in the hell does anyone afford to smoke anymore?? I have a J*O*B and quit over 2 years ago because it was outrageous.

    And the Poopermans?? Why don’t people need a license to have children??

  11. canigetanotherbottleofwhine says:

    You tweeted about this the other night, didn’t you? I remember something about kids being up late and cranky and you tweeting obscenities about them. I just can’t understand how people get to the point of needing all that food. I overeat occasionally and I feel like a fat sow and I hate myself and vow to eat salads with no dressing all day the next day and then I do leg lifts and suck in my gut while washing the dirty dishes. I don’t know if I’d be okay with eating all that. Whatever.

    • Lol, you must be in some damn good shape for all of the working out you say you do!

      Every night I work there people have kids out way too late. It’s better now that school is out, but a 2 year old needn’t be eating fried chicken at 10 pm, much less her fat mother. Dad was rail thin of course, but that’s probably due to his drug habit, if my instincts are still good.

  12. I’m headed to Alabama for a week in a few days. I’ve had to do a couple Google searches for healthy food so I can try to survive. I live in the hippie-dippy Pacific Northwest – my system isn’t prepared for the level of fried food I’m about to be exposed to.

  13. tric says:

    Ye that women is a tad large but I am struggling big time with the sh*t hands! Yuck what a charming family.

    • I know, right? Her idiot husband Seamus sounded like he was fresh off the boat!

      • tric says:

        ha ha.Your one smartass. When you visit Ireland I will make sure everyone knows what you have been saying, Very small country remember? Anyway if it was Seamus and Mary, they’d have six kids and be looking for soup even if the day was roasting and anything with mashed potatoes!

  14. Learning the hard way says:

    For some reason I feel like a salad…

  15. Fresh Ginger says:

    Am I missing something or is there a reason that a fried chicken/catfish/whatever place needs a SECURITY GUARD? Just wondering … certainly, it’s not because Miss PrettyCankles is going to dine and “dash.”

    • Haha, true! I don’t know that they need it, it’s not like it’s in the worst area of the world or anything. Having police officers around is some sort of tradition that they’ve had for 20 years and I guess if they’re making the money then I ain’t complaining.

      • Fresh Ginger says:

        Understood. I have a feeling it’s a good fried food place. Places like that usually are. Not that I want to eat 6 full plates of anything … gawd. That’s just gross.

  16. God forbid if that door or stool had snapped and gave away.

  17. Cordelia says:

    Umm. Ew. Just. Ewwww. Note to self: stay far from St. Louis.

  18. As we say here in the south…
    GOOD LORD!

  19. mollytopia says:

    Oh my gaaahhhd Don. This right here? “didn’t have a winch to retrieve wayward fatasses who’ve become beached in the smoking area outside” got me as close to pissing myself as I have ever been. I had to walk away from the computer for three minutes while I went from howling laughter to silent my-nostrils-are-flaring-and-my-eyes-are-watering laughter. Genius. These stories are amazing. Please, please never stop moonlighting there. Oh and the caption under the photo “i’m just gonna sit here in the fucking doorway for a bit” made me spit my drink out. Thanks. Awesome awesome awesome.

  20. PinotNinja says:

    Humanity has a really amazing talent to always find new and interesting ways to bum me out. Why are people so self-destructive and inconsiderate? WHY?

  21. Amy says:

    Thanks Don. Been dealing with a bit of a stomach bug. Baaarfff.

  22. You might be a redneck if . . . you’ve got shit all over your hands and your first impulse is to see what the chef’s specials are.

  23. Stephanie Sprenger says:

    I am snickering and my eyes are wondering. “I’m just going to sit in the fucking doorway for awhile…” You are officially my favorite swear-er ever. You make profanity hilarious.

  24. flyingplatypi says:

    Holy Fat Bastard Batman!!! I feel like she took that chicken home and rubbed it all over her naked body before eating it whole. I’d bet money if we lift a flap, we’d find a wing… Or a miniature pincher.

    Also, this was hilarious. And I love you.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  25. Elizabeth says:

    Holy shit I’m laughing so hard and making a horrible face like I can smell that diaper and that fat chick and the grease of the restaurant coming through my computer screen!!! I love how you made me feel like I was right there with you witnessing the worst that the human race has to offer. I seriously can’t get this look off my face. WTF

  26. Go Jules Go says:

    Gahhhh! So glad I was done with breakfast before reading. I love any story that includes the line, “…and is my favorite non criminal incident at the restaurant.”

    I go through such an an internal struggle when it comes to people like the first woman. Ultimately, disgust wins out – at her behavior. That level of entitlement, in any form, is digusting.

    • Jules, were she a pleasant woman or not going out of her way to be such a bitch, I’d understand. I guess I didn’t convey well enough that this woman deserved to be ridiculed. Even were she super hot, she’d have been made fun of for being such a super bitch.

  27. Ewwwwww…. Rudeness and poo. Ewwww….

    • I know, right? The people that come through this place are incredibly socially awful and would stick out like sore thumbs anywhere else! But still, they can be entertaining.

  28. sassypanties says:

    I love your big fat heart and your sad stories and your mother and the simple fact that you’re laying it all on the line. I love that you ate brave enough to know you’re not going to please everyone with these stories, but know they need to get told.

    I love you, Dimmy.

  29. sassypanties says:

    I was shocked at the sheer quantity of gum wrappers I had in there when I wrote about this day of the challenge! I think I need therapy to stop chewing gum.

  30. I was in the ER on Monday night… worst day of the week to go. I took my mother with me because god knows there is no way I would venture their alone (I have no health insurance and went to the state hospital). While in the ER we saw a myriad of of crazy people. I thought about your funny stories and decided to share them with my mom. I read them to her and she had a ball! You truly make my eyes tear, in a good way 🙂

  31. mistyslaws says:

    People. Are. Glorious.

  32. sassypanties says:

    I’d like to officially apologize for the weirdness that transpired this morning. I have no idea what my iPhone was doing to me….ALSO – I see that my comment that I wanted to actually post ABOUT THIS BLOG POST did not show up…GAWD KNOWS where it landed. Probably on Dimmy or someone else’s blog. Crap. Maybe I should just give up this whole thing. arg.

  33. The only thing I can think of to say? Yikes!

  34. Daile says:

    Sweet jesus this is why we should be able to sterilise stupid people.

  35. rynolexson says:

    Seriously, where do you live that these events occur? How can you ever be able to look at fried chicken again? Thanks, Don, you have ruined any type of fried food for me. And by the way…the picture is priceless, i’m still laughing.

  36. findingninee says:

    Holyfuck this is beyond hilarious and disgusting and I’m never eating fried chicken again because not only will it make me want to eat an entire chicken and a school of catfish, I will get mean and beyond fattyfat and not be able to haul my ugly fatass out of my smoking chair to retrieve enough food to feed all of the starving babies on the planet.

  37. Maggie O'C says:

    How that woman hasn’t just exploded I have no idea. Seriously, her heart should EXPLODE. What the holy hell? I gotta visit St. Louis to see this shit for myself. Not literal shit. I don’t want to actually see shit.

  38. mamamlk says:

    Here I was eating breakfast and reading away and I just about shot milk put my nose from laughing too hard!!! Nice! I waitressed for 7 years so….I’ve seen a lot of similar stories! In fact, I think we had big Bertha’s sister here in WI at a restaurant that I worked at for our Broasted Chicken special night. We always fought over who didn’t get to take them because the stench was always sooo bad and her hubby always has the dirties looking hands. Everytime I waited on them, I would be fighting not to throw up.

  39. keladelaide says:

    It’s great that you take your job seriously and don’t let people steal tables or drinks. I think that ‘lady’ would have eaten her chicken and then the table it sat upon if she’d been able to get her ass back inside.

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  42. Oh my god… I must walk away and compose myself!

    Okay, I’m back. I remember one early tour of duty through the US when I asked a front desk gal for a nearby restaurant recommendation. She named a place, I stupidly asked, “Food’s good?” She replied, “The portions are huge!” I very quickly learned never to order anything with the word “platter”. Literally platters!

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