Jane from Omaha, your lasagna sucks and you’re an unhelpful dumbass…

I should start a retread Monday tradition as this is another old one.  Well, if 6 months is old.  Apparently, it was before I knew what a tag was or had and followers.

—————————–

As I am the bitch of our house, cooking is one of my duties.  I don’t mind doing it, but I suck at not following a recipe exactly as it’s written.  I like the very specific ingredient list followed by the comforting step by step instructions that I assume were written by somebody who knows what they’re talking about and who has successfully made the recipe many times before.

This inability to deviate from a recipe pisses my wife off at times, because when I’m missing even a single ingredient, she has to stop at the store on her way home from work to bring it to me.  That’s one of her sacrifices for the family.  She seems to be under the impression that it’s ok to substitute one ingredient for another, or to just go ahead and leave certain things out of a recipe altogether.  To that nonsense, I say NAY NAY!

I understand that we all have different tastes, some better than others.  I am no snobby gourmet by ANY stretch of the imagination, but there are people in the world who eat at the Olive Garden on purpose and think it’s wonderful.  I’m not one of those folks either!  The sort of people who enjoy Olive Garden on purpose have no class or taste and their recipes are to be avoided.  When a restaurant has terrible food and service, it gives the people all they can eat of something, like bread sticks or salad, so that people won’t care about the terrible food and service!

I’ve had good luck trolling the internet and using recipes that have both good ratings and lots of reviews.  When hundreds of people have reviewed a recipe and it has a good rating, it’s generally a good sign that the recipe is at least pretty ok.

One of the things I’ve noticed about online recipe reviewers that drives me bonkers though is that many of them are complete fucktards.

Some reviewers will give a recipe 4 or 5 stars but then explain how they’ve substituted 98% of the ingredients for something else and then cooked it a completely different way than the original recipe said to do it!  That’s not the same recipe, asshole!

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that some people are diabetic or whatever and need to substitute an ingredient or two for something similar in taste, or that some people are health conscious (God I hate you people) and insist on using low fat whatever in their dishes instead of what tastes good so that they’ll live to be 85 instead of only 83.  Those two years crapping your adult diaper in a nursing home are surely worth a lifetime of depriving yourself of delicious food!

Those reviewers are fine (mostly).  It’s people who go overboard with their take on a particular recipe that I want to kick in the vagina or penis, whichever the case may be.

For example, were I wanting to cook my family a nice lasagna and I checked the reviews of a lasagna recipe for suggestions, it would not surprise me one bit to find that Jane from Omaha, Nebraska has written the following:

Hey Jane from Omaha, your kids are cute but stupid!

Hey Jane from Omaha, your kids are cute but stupid!

My family and I just love, love, love this lasagna recipe! We live in the middle of nowhere, so we can’t get our hands on ricotta cheese (even though Jane apparently has internet

access?) or some of the other ingredients, so I made some substitutions.  I was all out of Italian sausage, so I doubled the beef.  My family likes the meat not to be all crumbled up, so I packed the meat into patties and used American cheese in place of the exotic cheeses I couldn’t find at the Wally’s IGA up the street.  I realized that I was also out of lasagna noodles and sauce, so I used ketchup and bread because carbs are carbs, right? We like our buns room temperature, so I added those at the last minute.  I took the meat and cheese and cooked it for 30 minutes and then added more cheese after cooking. I didn’t have parsley to put on the lasagna, so I used lettuce instead.  I put the patties between the buns to complete the lasagna and served it with french fries.  It was delicious.  Thanks for sharing this lasagna recipe!

No, thank you, Jane, for being an unhelpful dumbass and wasting 4 minutes of my life!

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49 Responses to Jane from Omaha, your lasagna sucks and you’re an unhelpful dumbass…

  1. aliciabenton says:

    Hilarious! And I totally have the same OCD issues with following a recipe that you do! (I still read the boxed mac and cheese directions and measure out my butter and milk, even though I’ve made the kids that mac and cheese for 13 years now.)

    I concur that Jame is a dumbass. And she probably has Turkey Legs from her stupid lasagna recipe.

  2. Laura Lynn says:

    i also like the recipes that call for things l’ve never heard of like mango powder. I just wanted to make a samosa. What the hell happened to the mango that got it all dried out? And why? Can I use that sort of old one on the counter? Do I really need asofoetida for this? Maybe I should stick to my own thing and make pizza. Or I could order one, fold it in half…

    • Oh, if the recipe is too complicated then I won’t even try it. Emeril Lagasse recipes, for example all have 43 ingredients. Then there are ingredients to make an ingredient like the Essence. No thanks, sir, I’m not getting paid enough to figure this one out!

  3. All I got is….HAHAHAHAA.
    I guess ima fucktard. Gee..Thanks Wally.
    So….exactly how’s that diet?
    I got ya back jack…

  4. Mental Mama says:

    AHEM. I am from and currently live in Omaha and am quite a good cook. Ricotta cheese is abundant here. Your argument holds no water. (except that part that we’re in the middle of nowhere – spot on with that bit)

    But as always, you sir are funny as hell. Keep up the good work.

    • When I first wrote this, it was a dig at one of my friends from Nebraska. I think her mom really is named Jane. She was one of my first readers. Of course, that’s because I forced her to read my posts. Lol.

      • Mental Mama says:

        Ah, well then, makes perfect sense. 🙂 As a native I just seem to have this ingrained thing about pointing out how we’re not an entirely awful place to visit or be from. And we’re not all football crazed idiots, though a lot of folk around here are. You want a really good place to pick on it would be Council Bluffs, IA. They’re the city right across the river from us and they totally suck.

  5. Crazy with a Chance of Rain says:

    Did you know that dumping a buttload of cheese on *any* recipe is guaranteed to make it better? Same holds true with bacon.

    • What is a buttload, because my buttload and my wife’s are substantially different? I guess with cheese and bacon, it’s best to go with the larger amount to be safe.

  6. Love it! Too funny …and true! 🙂

  7. Oh boy, when I saw the title of this post, my fingers were crossed that it didn’t say “CBXB Your Lasagna Recipe Sucks.” But at least my post regarding Italian food didn’t include a picture of a cheeseburger…..

  8. MishaBurnett says:

    I’m something of an iconoclast when it comes to recipes. In fact, I don’t follow them at all. I take food and I put it in a big pot and I heat it up, and then I eat it.

  9. When I cook (which fortunately isn’t that often other than grilling) I follow the recipe to a tee and my lasagne ends up looking like hamburgers… weird.

  10. goldfish says:

    lol. Yes, many of them are, in fact, complete fucktards. 🙂

  11. juju333 says:

    Cooking= not following the recipe
    Baking= follow the recipe

    This is just my take on things. That is why I cook much more often than I bake. I am lousy at following directions. Hmm, that may cause me issues in other areas; do you think?

    Hubby however, gets really upset when I can’t remember how I made something he really liked. I mean really. As in he says: “WRITE THIS DOWN NOW!” Before we even finish eating.

    BTW he always follows the recipe.And he just told me I ignore him and don’t write it down anyway.

  12. I’m crying from laughing so hard again. I know exactly what you mean. It’s not the same recipe when you make all those changes!!! They say, I didn’t change anything about this recipe, I made it exactly as stated…except I changed X,Y,Z and did A to it. Lol! So funny!

  13. You thought THAT recipe reviewer was an f-tard? Check out the link I’m gonna leave you to this “cookbook” author and see if it isn’t worse…and more disturbing. I’ve been laughing my a$$ of about this lady’s post all day. The comments are the BEST!!! (And no, it’s not my blog or my recipe book.)
    http://jennyhansenauthor.wordpress.com/2013/06/10/crazy-books-part-8-whizzy-jizzy-food-porn/

  14. merbear74 says:

    Nay Nay Nay!! I want real butter, damnit!

  15. Maggie O'C says:

    I love on Epicurious.com when cooks get all up in each others faces….fighting gourmands let the fun begin!

  16. quiltnmama says:

    OMG, I think I love you!

  17. A.J. Goode says:

    I cook like you do — I have to follow evey recipe to the letter, no variations. Which really sucks for me because my Mother-in-law wrote out hundreds of recipe cards for my hubby’s favorite dishes. She left out one ingredient in every single recipe so my cooking will never be as good as hers.

  18. queenlorene says:

    My husband and I argue about this all the time. He is a stickler for the recipe. I am an experimentalist. If I were in your family, my head would be receiving a daily whirlie in the toilet I am sure. But let me stand up for the experimentalists–I have as often improved the recipe as not. And there are two additions that often make the good great: cheese for entres and chocolate chips with anything dessertish. Now abuse me.

  19. i had no idea you were also the bitch of the family. new respect. and also, for the wife who will stop to pick up that one ingredient. i am a careless cooker and would probably be all, eh, it’s fine without it. let’s just move on to the ice cream, shall we?

  20. Katie says:

    Hilarious! Be glad your old posts aren’t embarrassingly bad.

  21. cookie1986 says:

    I loved this post the first time.
    However, as someone who has moonlighted as a bartender at the Olive Garden since the dawn of time ( otherwise known as the beginning of the gestation of this baby) I have to protest over your comments.
    I give good service, especially if you’re not an asshole. And some of the food is good.
    AND. Stop saying shitty things about the OG. I like it busy, because that’s how I take people’s money.
    Truce?
    oh. and PS. I can cook without a goddamn recipe and it’s fucking delicious every time. Unless you ask me to make pesto or jello. I can’t make those.
    So there.

    • You’re hormonal so I’ll let it slide. Plus you live in the middle of what I imagine is a vast snowy outpost near the north pole, right? An Olive Garden there may be ok if there’s nothing else around. I’m sure some of their servers are ok, but around here, they’re notoriously shitty.

      • cookie1986 says:

        May of them are notoriously shitty here too. It’s because they are 18 and come from a generation of not having to work for anything they have.
        I, however, am a pregnant old hag. I work hard. I make lots of money. Everyone should be like me. Except not pregnant, because that’s starting to suck.

  22. ardenrr says:

    “…but there are people in the world who eat at the Olive Garden on purpose and think it’s wonderful.” — Replace Olive Garden with Red Lobster and I’m with ya!

  23. Amy says:

    This cracked me the hell up.

  24. mollytopia says:

    Yep. Total fucktard. It’s not sexy, but the recipe on the back of the Muellers (I think?) box is simple and doesn’t require the blood of an Italian grandmother to make it work. But in that I can’t remember the name of the product on which the recipe is printed, I’ve now joined the ranks of Jane’s unhelpful dumb ass. Awesome. Now I’m committed. I’ll find it and comment again for fun. Because this only wasted 7 seconds of your life. Neat.

  25. Daile says:

    Hilarious! Oh Jane you are truly an asshat.
    If you want to be entertained check out this recipe for ice cubes on food.com the comments are worth it http://www.food.com/recipe/ice-cubes-420398

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