I should start a retread Monday tradition as this is another old one. Well, if 6 months is old. Apparently, it was before I knew what a tag was or had and followers.
As I am the bitch of our house, cooking is one of my duties. I don’t mind doing it, but I suck at not following a recipe exactly as it’s written. I like the very specific ingredient list followed by the comforting step by step instructions that I assume were written by somebody who knows what they’re talking about and who has successfully made the recipe many times before.
This inability to deviate from a recipe pisses my wife off at times, because when I’m missing even a single ingredient, she has to stop at the store on her way home from work to bring it to me. That’s one of her sacrifices for the family. She seems to be under the impression that it’s ok to substitute one ingredient for another, or to just go ahead and leave certain things out of a recipe altogether. To that nonsense, I say NAY NAY!
I understand that we all have different tastes, some better than others. I am no snobby gourmet by ANY stretch of the imagination, but there are people in the world who eat at the Olive Garden on purpose and think it’s wonderful. I’m not one of those folks either! The sort of people who enjoy Olive Garden on purpose have no class or taste and their recipes are to be avoided. When a restaurant has terrible food and service, it gives the people all they can eat of something, like bread sticks or salad, so that people won’t care about the terrible food and service!
I’ve had good luck trolling the internet and using recipes that have both good ratings and lots of reviews. When hundreds of people have reviewed a recipe and it has a good rating, it’s generally a good sign that the recipe is at least pretty ok.
One of the things I’ve noticed about online recipe reviewers that drives me bonkers though is that many of them are complete fucktards.
Some reviewers will give a recipe 4 or 5 stars but then explain how they’ve substituted 98% of the ingredients for something else and then cooked it a completely different way than the original recipe said to do it! That’s not the same recipe, asshole!
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that some people are diabetic or whatever and need to substitute an ingredient or two for something similar in taste, or that some people are health conscious (God I hate you people) and insist on using low fat whatever in their dishes instead of what tastes good so that they’ll live to be 85 instead of only 83. Those two years crapping your adult diaper in a nursing home are surely worth a lifetime of depriving yourself of delicious food!
Those reviewers are fine (mostly). It’s people who go overboard with their take on a particular recipe that I want to kick in the vagina or penis, whichever the case may be.
For example, were I wanting to cook my family a nice lasagna and I checked the reviews of a lasagna recipe for suggestions, it would not surprise me one bit to find that Jane from Omaha, Nebraska has written the following:
My family and I just love, love, love this lasagna recipe! We live in the middle of nowhere, so we can’t get our hands on ricotta cheese (even though Jane apparently has internet
access?) or some of the other ingredients, so I made some substitutions. I was all out of Italian sausage, so I doubled the beef. My family likes the meat not to be all crumbled up, so I packed the meat into patties and used American cheese in place of the exotic cheeses I couldn’t find at the Wally’s IGA up the street. I realized that I was also out of lasagna noodles and sauce, so I used ketchup and bread because carbs are carbs, right? We like our buns room temperature, so I added those at the last minute. I took the meat and cheese and cooked it for 30 minutes and then added more cheese after cooking. I didn’t have parsley to put on the lasagna, so I used lettuce instead. I put the patties between the buns to complete the lasagna and served it with french fries. It was delicious. Thanks for sharing this lasagna recipe!
No, thank you, Jane, for being an unhelpful dumbass and wasting 4 minutes of my life!