Just a tuesday night is all…

Ace had a softball game last night, but I had both of the little guys while momma was off running errands to get Ace ready for her first ever summer camp adventure. Yes, the thought of her away at camp for the next three nights makes my heart palpitate a little more wildly than normal, but more on that in a second.

Having the boys at the softball game without another adult means that little softball was watched. After blowing $13 and considering hanging myself from a goal post on the adjacent soccer field after the arduous task of sampling each member of the protein family the concession stand had to offer before they’d eat something, it was off to the play area to burn those calories.

This particular play area is nothing more than a plot of grass with a bunch of Little Tyke houses and vehicles strewn about haphazardly, it’s fine for kids my boys’ ages. Of course, since it’s the only play area around, kids of all ages insist on playing there, in spite of the fact that they are clearly too old to be doing so.

I don’t know where they come from, but every playground I’ve ever taken my kids to has that white trash kid who’s always just a little bit too rambunctious and overly aggressive to be playing with kids much smaller than he is. Sometimes he’s a pudgy little fella, but he’s always there and you know the kid I’m talking about. Oh look, there’s his mom, over there smoking a Marlboro Red while poking away on her smart phone. Her indifference is astonishing and she won’t budge an inch to correct his behavior without provocation, but the second you scold little Johnny Futurefelon for purposely pushing your two year old from a four foot slide, then her senses sharpen and she misses nothing.

“Hey Jawnie, eez dat man tawkinayew!?”

“He yelt at mee mawmaw!”

“Don’t yew talk to ma sun like dat! Yew gots a problim, you cum tell me!”

Sorry ma’am. The way you had your brow scrunched while staring at your phone led me to believe that you were having trouble forming words from all the random letters on your keypad. I didn’t want to interrupt, in case you were Googling “How not to raise a kid who’s a complete asshole like his old man who left me for a fat bitch but then beat her up and is in prison now so haw haw.”

Huh?

Exactly ma’am.

So anyway, Floozy Fucksthetrailerparkmen leaves and the boys carry on with their playtime. I doubt they even missed a second of it, actually. I’m standing where I can watch part of the game and still half-assed (nobody does half-assed better than me) watch the boys so they don’t run off into traffic when I hear a loud crash and feel a breeze at the back of my legs followed by immediate crying.

A little girl has just totally eaten it on a Razor scooter thing and landed face first in the concrete right behind me. She is maybe 6 or 7 and I so want to laugh out loud because I find people falling down to be hilARious for some reason even though I’m a 40 year old man, but she’s really wailing and might be hurt. Every human being within a 100 yard radius is staring at us, but apparently her parents must have been 101 yards away because nobody was running to her. She stands up with eyes watering and palms bloody and reaches for me like she wants me to pick her up!

Because it’s 2013 and our society is so fucked up, I became scared and began yelling “Help, Help, You’re not my daughter! You’re not my daughter!! Fire! Fire!! RAPE!! FUCK!!!!”

Also because we’re a fucked up society, nobody came to help me.

I put my hand on her forehead to keep her at bay while she wailed and I waited a good minute for a parent, guardian, the state? Nobody? Fuck!

So I checked little missy for signs of broken bones and teeth, but they were all seemingly in place. Just a scratch as the black knight might say. In typical female fashion, she made more of a scene than necessary, but we got her cleaned up and I even gave her a dollar for some ice cream. I told her if her parents get mad that some strange man bought her ice cream, tell them this exactly, “where the fuck were you while I was crying at the top of my lungs and every other person at this facility but you heard me you deadbeat fucks?”

The game finished and I collected my children and went to get them some gas station dinner at QT because we had to get Ace to her friends so they could leave early for camp. She was so excited. I love when kids are excited about things!

We went to the normally delightful Quicktrip (QT) for some drinks, gas and grub. Ace grabbed her taquito and Cool and G$ got their corn dog contraptions when suddenly a little fat hoosier boy goes into a sneezing fit on the other side of the warming device where all the food is being “cooked.” He is literally sneezing the fuck all over the food because he’s not tall enough for the sneeze guard to be of any use. Even his neck tattooed, flat billed hat wearin’ old man finally says “Hay, Arsehole, Ima eat one of dem and you jus sneezed all overem!” Then he whacks the kid in the back of his head for good measure.

Thanks, dick!

Thanks, dick!

I scurry to checkout before I get the urge to dive across the warmer at the two of them and do them bodily harm when another white trash woman sneaks up to the right of me on the other side of the register. The cashier asks “Who’s next” even though it’s not even debatable. I was next.

“I is next!” scowls Wanda Whitetrashprincess. Wow, she was really surly about it!

I looked at Ace and said “I guess that bitch is next, right?” I sort of suck at parenting, I know, but Ace is pretty mature for 9.

Ace smiles and giggles because shes’ so giddy about camp she could give two shits about anything else in the world at this point.

As I knew would be the case, Wanda sends the cashier on a wild goose chase for all different sorts of cigarette brands and lottery tickets. It was taking FOREVER and I was starting to seethe at this ignert bitch.

I looked around the QT and it was a strange crowd. It looked like a trailer park had vomited a group of people up right into this very location. What the fuck?

Then I caught a glimpse of my watch and it hit me what was going on!

Yay welfare!

Yay welfare!

It was the 3rd of June! The third day of a month means that the local welfare receiving contingency hasn’t exhausted their monthly supply of money yet! Any person who’s worked in a service industry can vouch for the crowds during the first week of any month being much more “lively” than the rest of the month. Same with law enforcement. When there’s still money for liquor, the shenanigans will roll on!! That time is mostly during the first week of each month. It’s just a given.

I muttered to myself loud enough for Ace to hear, “Ah, it’s the first of the month!” Ace looked puzzled, but I saw the cashier give me a wry grin and nod. She gets it.

I had to explain the phenomenon to Ace as we walked to the car, but I’m pretty sure she was only half interested. She had thoughts of swimming and sleeping on the top bunk on her mind.

She made it to camp this morning and daddy misses her already. I know she’ll have fun, but I’m not used to not having her in the house for such a long period of time.

I hope she enjoys roughing it in her air conditioned painted cabins with her little friend Tootsie there.

Between the crazies with their gubment money and Ace being away, it’s gonna be a long week for Mr. Don.

Air conditioner?  WTF?

Air conditioner? WTF?

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61 Responses to Just a tuesday night is all…

  1. missconduct314 says:

    Glad I am not the only one who recognizes The Trashies. I think it is because of the profession, all of sane people who actually earn good money working in other professions, always think I am just being judgy. Judgy, you say? Stating the facts I say.

  2. aliciabenton says:

    This Post Is Fan. Freakin. Tastic.

    And yep… sounds like you’ve got our society figured out quite nicely.

    Now please excuse me while I go back to work to help feed Floozy Fucksthetrailerparkmen’s liquor habit for next month.

  3. ardenrr says:

    Yeah, I didn’t get air conditioning at my camp …. What the fuck kind of ‘camp’ are you sending Ace to anyways??? I got no A/C in South Carolina IN JULY ….

  4. mozamenski says:

    Hey! She finally figured out her bag had wheels, when a nice camp worker came and took both of the girls’ bags and led the way to the a/c! You couldn’t make them stop grinning if you paid them!

    • I’m sure she’d have hauled the bag around all week, oblivious to the wheels had somebody not pointed them out to her. A whole week together might just make them hate each other.

  5. i laughed way too much here. seriously.

  6. I only feel a little bit bad for laughing at the trailer folk. Barely a twinge.

  7. Cordelia says:

    “How not to raise a kid who’s a complete asshole like his old man who left me for a fat bitch but then beat her up and is in prison now so haw haw.”… WOW DON. Are you looking through my window or what? I just Googled this EXACT phrase today!! Spooky…

  8. Yup…the Trash is rampant here in these wild parts of California to…they are mostly seen in a place called WALMART….I never step foot there.

    Except today..when I had no choice as the only place that sells cat food close to my office was a Walmart. I had to run in and out of there on my lunch break and made it out unscathed.

  9. twindaddy says:

    Good old white trash….

  10. cookie1986 says:

    The scene where the little girl with the scraped up hands and no parents attacks you made me spit my fucking drink all over my keyboard. Thanks for that. Why didn’t you just run in the other direction? You’re supposed to be working out anyway.

  11. PinotNinja says:

    Nothing peeves me more than inattentive parents who flip out when some responsible adult finally steps in and gives some boundaries to their kid so that they do not go all Joffrey. When this happens, my usual response is “You do get that I’m doing you a solid right now, don’t you? I am doing your job for you. You should really just hush and go buy me a thank you gift.”

    It does not go over well.

  12. When it rains, it pours, right? But at least it gave you fodder for your blog…and left the rest of us entertained.
    I’m a non-parent, but as a child of an overly attentive single mom, it drives me bonkers when I see inattentive parents. Do they realize all the bad things that could happen to these kids? We pulled into a grocery store parking lot one day and hubby went to go in. I decided to stay in the car when I noticed the car next to me was running. The damned woman left her infant child sleeping in the car. Alone!!!! I watched for a few minutes debating what to do. Just as I got set to call 911, she came strolling up. Judging by the amount of bags she had, she’d been gone a while (and that’s one of my milder stories).

  13. Yvonne says:

    Ok I was crying and spitting and some crazy sound was coming out of my mouth trying to stifle my laughter while my husband is napping after a long day at work….you laugh when people fall? ME TOO!! Every time I think about this I’m going to scream with laughter!

  14. I was a cashier in a gas station for awhile many years ago. It doesn’t take long in a job like that to make you lose faith in humanity. It’s amazing how many people have no mastery of the English language, don’t understand why they can’t use their food stamps to buy booze or cigarettes and march 10 or 15 of their filth encrusted kids into the store, then refuse to buy them so much as a sucker, because “they can’t afford that stuff!” then turn around and spend 50 dollars or more on lottery tickets. Many of these types of people would frequently look down their noses at me, because I was working in a gas station. (Never mind the fact that I was at least working for a living, not to mention going to college at the same time: they were better than me because I worked in a gas station, and they did not.)

    Sorry to ramble on, but you struck a nerve! Great post!

    By the way I am also a 40 year old man, and can’t help but laugh hysterically whenever I see someone fall. Maybe it’s a generational thing?

    • Only in America are the poorest, laziest people so overly entitled feeling. Not all poor, but folks who are able but choose not to work are just awful. I know the exact crowd you’re referring to. Sucks that their votes count equal to ours. Keep up the good fight, sir! Rambling on is my pleasure too, so feel free anytime.

  15. Jen says:

    Ah if only poor behavior were reserved for the trash. Whilst at the park in a upper crust area, I witnessed a father dig a hole in the wood chips for his three year old to shit in. Had he asked, the bathrooms were open and just a few steps away. Last trip to that park!

    • This was just my Tuesday night and I happened to be amongst the white trash of my area. Normally, I like the trashy people. THat’s my crowd! Just not the lazy folk who think they’re entitled to something even though they contribute nothing to society. Upper crust people tend to rub me the wrong way too.

  16. A tale to tell the grandkids about! A wise man once said: “aint that america, you and me! Aint that america, somethin to see!” Great story, by golly!

    • Didn’t that wise man change his name several times? Thanks, buddy. It’s funny how a simple Tuesday night can be made to seem like an adventure when you pay enough attention.

  17. keladelaide says:

    I’m so glad we Aussies are about 50 years behind the U.S. With a bit of luck I’ll be dead and buried before our citizens lack that level of decent human behavior.

    • 50 years behind? When it comes out, buy Microsoft and Apple stock! My wife and I discussed moving to Australia because we’re so disgusted with our health insurance right now and Australia seems like a nice place in spite of all the reptiles and the fact that it was once a prisoner colony or something, right?

      • keladelaide says:

        lmbo
        Will be sure to look out for this Apple stock you speak of. Is it investing in an orchard of some type.

        We have awesome health care. We pay an amount, dependent on income, there is a wait time for elective surgeries but you don’t get thrown curbside if you don’t have insurance. Hubby and I are middle class and we don’t have private cover; can’t afford it.

        The reptiles ate all the prisoners so we’re all good.

  18. The entire paragraph about the concessions and you considering hanging yourself made me almost spit out my coffee. You know, in that, the kids are still asleep and I’m typing kind of subdued hilarity kind of way… Have I never been to your blog before? What’s wrong with me? And now I see why you didn’t leave a disgusted remark on my post about profanity- you speak my language! 😀 This was awesome. Loved it. I will be back for sure…

  19. Oh, I think about killing myself a lot! That’s mostly a new thing since the kids came about and I’m hoping it’ll pass soon as they’re more independent. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but anybody who almost spits out coffee reading my posts is my favorite. I look forward to having you back and sharing in our use of profanity.

  20. It’s a mad, mad world we live in, with fewer and fewer kids fortunate enough to have parents who can show them a positive example. Your kids are some of the lucky ones. Also, we’re having our wills altered, naming you legal guardian of our boys if something should happen to us. Don’t worry, it comes with a $13 stipend.

    • That is truly an honor and a privilege! Are either of them very adept at sports? I only ask because it appears my own children will not be making millions by tossing a ball around.

      • The four-year-old just wants to join the army so he can wear camouflage and shoot bad guys (that will go over really well in kindergarten). The one-year-old is a bit underweight but he can fling a ball (or TV remote) pretty well. It doesn’t always go forward, but it’s got some zip to it.

      • Great. Make him throw things with his left hand and we can work with that. Once he’s zipping that ball real good as a lefty, then you and the missus can start on your high carb, red meat drink and drive willy nilly life plan!

  21. I can’t read your posts without laughing out loud. I’m so freaking jealous of your humor – Hilarious! I wrote the post on how to be funny, but YOU need to write it!

    And I’ll be crying when my kids go off to DAY camp next (homeschooler here).

  22. What a Tuesday night!!! You should have also yelled out, “Stranger Danger” in addition to Rape when the little girl who fell approached you! I read this post to my husband and he fell off the bed laughing! 🙂

  23. mistyslaws says:

    I truly hope that little girl said all of those words exactly as you said them directly to her parents. God bless Merica.

    And I was starting to wonder about all the, um, special people in this story. But yeah, then I got it as well. First of the month, dude. A woman on welfare told me today that she was a “stay at home mom.” Um, no ma’am. You are a fucking deadbeat. That term does not apply to you. Get a fucking job.

    • I’m sure that little girl butchered my message. Stay at home mom! Lol! That’s rich. That must be what the libtards tell them to call themselves if they’re asked.

  24. juju333 says:

    Don,

    I have asked for a warning button and it seems I am not the only one that needs one. It needs to read:
    “Go pee before reading and for the love of God no drinking until you are done. You have been warned!”

    BTW, the other day WordPress had a daily prompt that asked if you could trade places with another blogger who would it be? Well, I missed the opp but I wanted to let you know it would be you. Why, you might ask, because you say anything and everything. And my blog, well, just isn’t like that. But maybe one day I will start another one. The other reason is your readers talk to you. Mine don’t but that is okay, as long as they are reading.

    Thanks for a good one.

    Huh? my favorite line.

  25. Thank you for the exceptional laughs! I could visualize exactly the situation at the park with the poor little girl falling (don’t worry, I think children falling is pretty funny too… maybe because they are so close to the ground??) Great post 🙂

  26. A.J. Goode says:

    I also laugh when peole fall down. Sadly, my five year-old has learned to say, “don’t laugh, Mommy!” before he starts crying.

  27. DON?? WTF?? How did I miss this most hilarious post??
    You are not showing up in my reader. ??? I read as re-read this. I have to tell you this was FUNNNNNNY!!!!!
    Is my southern ness rubbin off on yous? I could actually understand your verbage.
    Is that bad?
    Gah, I miss ace myself…. I see she gt her daddy’s heart wrapped round a lil ole finger….

  28. Teresa re says:

    You should seriously consider becoming that stay at home person and NEVER leave your house- i mean really punkin that mouth and tude!!! The outside world seems to push your buttons- goodness!! Take a deep breath and hug someone you will feel so much better!

  29. Pingback: Minor ranting on welfare and a goofy alderman. | don of all trades

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  31. Maggie O'C says:

    Fantastic in every way! I swear so much in front of my kids that I don’t even know I’m doing it and really the only time they call me on it is when they have friends around but I think they’ve given up on trying to tame me.

    St. Louis sounds awesome.

  32. Oh my… I might have to move over the border to get some better blogging material!

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