Ace had a softball game last night, but I had both of the little guys while momma was off running errands to get Ace ready for her first ever summer camp adventure. Yes, the thought of her away at camp for the next three nights makes my heart palpitate a little more wildly than normal, but more on that in a second.
Having the boys at the softball game without another adult means that little softball was watched. After blowing $13 and considering hanging myself from a goal post on the adjacent soccer field after the arduous task of sampling each member of the protein family the concession stand had to offer before they’d eat something, it was off to the play area to burn those calories.
This particular play area is nothing more than a plot of grass with a bunch of Little Tyke houses and vehicles strewn about haphazardly, it’s fine for kids my boys’ ages. Of course, since it’s the only play area around, kids of all ages insist on playing there, in spite of the fact that they are clearly too old to be doing so.
I don’t know where they come from, but every playground I’ve ever taken my kids to has that white trash kid who’s always just a little bit too rambunctious and overly aggressive to be playing with kids much smaller than he is. Sometimes he’s a pudgy little fella, but he’s always there and you know the kid I’m talking about. Oh look, there’s his mom, over there smoking a Marlboro Red while poking away on her smart phone. Her indifference is astonishing and she won’t budge an inch to correct his behavior without provocation, but the second you scold little Johnny Futurefelon for purposely pushing your two year old from a four foot slide, then her senses sharpen and she misses nothing.
“Hey Jawnie, eez dat man tawkinayew!?”
“He yelt at mee mawmaw!”
“Don’t yew talk to ma sun like dat! Yew gots a problim, you cum tell me!”
Sorry ma’am. The way you had your brow scrunched while staring at your phone led me to believe that you were having trouble forming words from all the random letters on your keypad. I didn’t want to interrupt, in case you were Googling “How not to raise a kid who’s a complete asshole like his old man who left me for a fat bitch but then beat her up and is in prison now so haw haw.”
So anyway, Floozy Fucksthetrailerparkmen leaves and the boys carry on with their playtime. I doubt they even missed a second of it, actually. I’m standing where I can watch part of the game and still half-assed (nobody does half-assed better than me) watch the boys so they don’t run off into traffic when I hear a loud crash and feel a breeze at the back of my legs followed by immediate crying.
A little girl has just totally eaten it on a Razor scooter thing and landed face first in the concrete right behind me. She is maybe 6 or 7 and I so want to laugh out loud because I find people falling down to be hilARious for some reason even though I’m a 40 year old man, but she’s really wailing and might be hurt. Every human being within a 100 yard radius is staring at us, but apparently her parents must have been 101 yards away because nobody was running to her. She stands up with eyes watering and palms bloody and reaches for me like she wants me to pick her up!
Because it’s 2013 and our society is so fucked up, I became scared and began yelling “Help, Help, You’re not my daughter! You’re not my daughter!! Fire! Fire!! RAPE!! FUCK!!!!”
Also because we’re a fucked up society, nobody came to help me.
I put my hand on her forehead to keep her at bay while she wailed and I waited a good minute for a parent, guardian, the state? Nobody? Fuck!
So I checked little missy for signs of broken bones and teeth, but they were all seemingly in place. Just a scratch as the black knight might say. In typical female fashion, she made more of a scene than necessary, but we got her cleaned up and I even gave her a dollar for some ice cream. I told her if her parents get mad that some strange man bought her ice cream, tell them this exactly, “where the fuck were you while I was crying at the top of my lungs and every other person at this facility but you heard me you deadbeat fucks?”
The game finished and I collected my children and went to get them some gas station dinner at QT because we had to get Ace to her friends so they could leave early for camp. She was so excited. I love when kids are excited about things!
We went to the normally delightful Quicktrip (QT) for some drinks, gas and grub. Ace grabbed her taquito and Cool and G$ got their corn dog contraptions when suddenly a little fat hoosier boy goes into a sneezing fit on the other side of the warming device where all the food is being “cooked.” He is literally sneezing the fuck all over the food because he’s not tall enough for the sneeze guard to be of any use. Even his neck tattooed, flat billed hat wearin’ old man finally says “Hay, Arsehole, Ima eat one of dem and you jus sneezed all overem!” Then he whacks the kid in the back of his head for good measure.
I scurry to checkout before I get the urge to dive across the warmer at the two of them and do them bodily harm when another white trash woman sneaks up to the right of me on the other side of the register. The cashier asks “Who’s next” even though it’s not even debatable. I was next.
“I is next!” scowls Wanda Whitetrashprincess. Wow, she was really surly about it!
I looked at Ace and said “I guess that bitch is next, right?” I sort of suck at parenting, I know, but Ace is pretty mature for 9.
Ace smiles and giggles because shes’ so giddy about camp she could give two shits about anything else in the world at this point.
As I knew would be the case, Wanda sends the cashier on a wild goose chase for all different sorts of cigarette brands and lottery tickets. It was taking FOREVER and I was starting to seethe at this ignert bitch.
I looked around the QT and it was a strange crowd. It looked like a trailer park had vomited a group of people up right into this very location. What the fuck?
Then I caught a glimpse of my watch and it hit me what was going on!
It was the 3rd of June! The third day of a month means that the local welfare receiving contingency hasn’t exhausted their monthly supply of money yet! Any person who’s worked in a service industry can vouch for the crowds during the first week of any month being much more “lively” than the rest of the month. Same with law enforcement. When there’s still money for liquor, the shenanigans will roll on!! That time is mostly during the first week of each month. It’s just a given.
I muttered to myself loud enough for Ace to hear, “Ah, it’s the first of the month!” Ace looked puzzled, but I saw the cashier give me a wry grin and nod. She gets it.
I had to explain the phenomenon to Ace as we walked to the car, but I’m pretty sure she was only half interested. She had thoughts of swimming and sleeping on the top bunk on her mind.
She made it to camp this morning and daddy misses her already. I know she’ll have fun, but I’m not used to not having her in the house for such a long period of time.
I hope she enjoys roughing it in her air conditioned painted cabins with her little friend Tootsie there.
Between the crazies with their gubment money and Ace being away, it’s gonna be a long week for Mr. Don.