Hey dad, it’s Ace here. The boys and I are typing you a letter! Thanks for leaving this WordPress open, mom says it’s the best way to get a hold of you since you always have your fat ass in front of the computer these days. Sorry, fat ass were mommy’s words.
We just wanted to tell you we’re excited about making sure you have a Happy Father’s Day and see what you wanted! Do you want us to leave you alone so you can sit in your underwear on the couch all day drinking beer and crying again? That beer must be some really good stuff! Hold on, G$ want’s to type.
Douche douche douche douche douche…
G$! Sorry daddy, here, I’ll let him try again.
Dick dick dick dick dick…
No G$! Sorry, daddy, but I guess you do call him names quite a bit. You know he hears you and he’s pretty smart, right? He doesn’t mean to be an asshole…oh, sorry, I forgot this isn’t the playground. Wait, can I say that? I’m almost 10 you know? He’s a good boy, daddy, you just have to be patient with him.
Hold on, now Cool wants to talk.
Hi daddy. Um, can I. Um, can I play with your iPad when you get home?
No, Cool, say something nice to daddy!
Um, sorry I asked why you were fat the other day. Ace says that wasn’t nice, but I just say what’s on my mind because I’m four. Thank you for not choking me, Ace read that to me. You know I can dial 911 now, right?
Thank you for coaching my tball too, it’s fun as fuck as you like to say. I love rolling around in the dirt with all my teammates while you mumble whatever it is you mumble while we don’t listen to you. Coaching tball is sort of like herding feral cats with only a #2 pencil and your wits, isn’t it? You must love me to do it!
Hey, what does fuck mean anyway? You say it a lot. Oh and hey, I dropped one of your beers in the garage and it shattered all over the place. Sorry daddy. You seem to enjoy them so much that G$ and I wanted to taste one, but we couldn’t get the green lid off so I dropped it.
Hold on, G$ is back.
He didn’t drop it you fat fuck; I smashed it! Bwahahahahahaha!
G$!!! Sorry daddy. That boy is feisty!
Anyway, daddy, thanks for not taking me to the park to practice softball even once since the season has started. You do talk about doing it a lot, so that’s something. I mean we played catch that one time which was cool, but any extra work on hitting or fielding would have probably just made us both hot and tired, right?
I mean, if you asked, I’d probably like to do it, but I know we’re both pretty busy eating Doritos and powdered donuts and drinking beer. Well, I’m not the one drinking beer, lol! Do you know what lol means, daddy? I forget that you’re almost 100 years old and that some of these newer, electronic related terms are beyond your grasp.
I’m almost 10 you know. You should know, I just said it a few paragraphs ago. You should be taking me to Six Flags and playing catch with me and all those things because pretty soon I’m going to not want to do those things, at least not with you anymore. I’ll have friends to do them with and you’ll be an afterthought until I’m a young adult and need you again. Don’t you read other people’s blogs? You should know this stuff!
Well, we do want to make sure that you have a nice and happy father’s day, so let us know what you want! I made $10 cat sitting the other day. How great is that? I go into the house and just make sure the cats are still alive and throw them some food and then I leave and I get $10! Those neighbors are awesome, aren’t they?
Ok, well mom says that you’re working a double shift again today, so we’re going to get ready for our “yay daddy has to work so we’re going to have a fun while he’s gone Friday night party.”
Talk to you soon!
We love you!
A, C and G!