Dear daddy…

Hey dad, it’s Ace here.  The boys and I are typing you a letter!  Thanks for leaving this WordPress open, mom says it’s the best way to get a hold of you since you always have your fat ass in front of the computer these days.  Sorry, fat ass were mommy’s words.

We just wanted to tell you we’re excited about making sure you have a Happy Father’s Day and see what you wanted!  Do you want us to leave you alone so you can sit in your underwear on the couch all day drinking beer and crying again?  That beer must be some really good stuff!  Hold on, G$ want’s to type.

Douche douche douche douche douche…

G$!  Sorry daddy, here, I’ll let him try again.

Dick dick dick dick dick…

No G$!  Sorry, daddy, but I guess you do call him names quite a bit.  You know he hears you and he’s pretty smart, right?  He doesn’t mean to be an asshole…oh, sorry, I forgot this isn’t the playground.  Wait, can I say that?  I’m almost 10 you know?  He’s a good boy, daddy, you just have to be patient with him.

Hold on, now Cool wants to talk.

Hi daddy.  Um, can I.  Um, can I play with your iPad when you get home?

No, Cool, say something nice to daddy!

Um, sorry I asked why you were fat the other day.  Ace says that wasn’t nice, but I just say what’s on my mind because I’m four.  Thank you for not choking me, Ace read that to me.  You know I can dial 911 now, right?

Thank you for coaching my tball too, it’s fun as fuck as you like to say.  I love rolling around in the dirt with all my teammates while you mumble whatever it is you mumble while we don’t listen to you.  Coaching tball is sort of like herding feral cats with only a #2 pencil and your wits, isn’t it?  You must love me to do it!

Hey, what does fuck mean anyway?  You say it a lot.  Oh and hey, I dropped one of your beers in the garage and it shattered all over the place.  Sorry daddy.  You seem to enjoy them so much that G$ and I wanted to taste one, but we couldn’t get the green lid off so I dropped it.

Hold on, G$ is back.

He didn’t drop it you fat fuck; I smashed it! Bwahahahahahaha!

G$!!! Sorry daddy.  That boy is feisty!

Anyway, daddy, thanks for not taking me to the park to practice softball even once since the season has started.  You do talk about doing it a lot, so that’s something.  I mean we played catch that one time which was cool, but any extra work on hitting or fielding would have probably just made us both hot and tired, right?

I mean, if you asked, I’d probably like to do it, but I know we’re both pretty busy eating Doritos and powdered donuts and drinking beer.  Well, I’m not the one drinking beer, lol!  Do you know what lol means, daddy?  I forget that you’re almost 100 years old and that some of these newer, electronic related terms are beyond your grasp.

I’m almost 10 you know.  You should know, I just said it a few paragraphs ago.  You should be taking me to Six Flags and playing catch with me and all those things because pretty soon I’m going to not want to do those things, at least not with you anymore.  I’ll have friends to do them with and you’ll be an afterthought until I’m a young adult and need you again.  Don’t you read other people’s blogs?  You should know this stuff!

Well, we do want to make sure that you have a nice and happy father’s day, so let us know what you want!  I made $10 cat sitting the other day.  How great is that?   I go into the house and just make sure the cats are still alive and throw them some food and then I leave and I get $10!  Those neighbors are awesome, aren’t they?

Ok, well mom says that you’re working a double shift again today, so we’re going to get ready for our “yay daddy has to work so we’re going to have a fun while he’s gone Friday night party.”

Talk to you soon!

We love you!

A, C and G!

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43 Responses to Dear daddy…

  1. ardenrr says:

    Do you want us to leave you alone so you can sit in your underwear on the couch all day drinking beer and crying again? — That is quite the mental image……

  2. aliciabenton says:

    Ace is my hero!

    And take her to practice softball already, you fat fuck. Geez.

  3. Maggie O'C says:

    laughing and crying. Being a parent is hard. If the guilt doesn’t kill you, the drinking will.

  4. Cordelia says:

    All of a sudden I find myself wishing there was retroactive birth control… for yours and mine….

  5. So….in my southerness…and from where I come from…..
    lets see … dick. douche. beer. fuck.
    and your working a double shift….

    I’m heading to YOUR HOUSE!

  6. mistyslaws says:

    Holy crap, is every single 4 year old exactly the same? When the hubs travels and calls to talk to the kids, the first freaking thing out of my (now 5) year old’s mouth is: Daddy, can I play on the iPad when you get home? Talk about love and affection, right!

    What DO you men want for father’s day? I mean besides beer. I get that. Beer is on the list. But otherwise, seriously, what the hell?

  7. barbtaub says:

    Language, Don. You know, I was NOT going to use those words in front of my kids. But I thought I would be safe while first one mastered actual human speech. Then about a second later she sat up in her crib and said, “FUCK!” to my mother-in-law. And you know what? No matter how hard you try, you probably won’t convince your mother-in-law that the kid is lisping a demand for her beloved fire truck.

    Nice job on the post, Ace. That disturbing image of your father all alone in his underwear, drinking beer and crying? Again? Like we needed that visual.

  8. Yeah, what does “fuck” mean?? I’d like to know because I say it an awful lot too!! lol

  9. If you send me your address, I will send you more Doritos for your special father’s day celebration.

  10. Katie says:

    Damn, the diction on Ace! She’s typing at a middle-aged man’s level. I sincerely hope my children someday think these warm fuzzy things about me.

  11. A two word comment: (technically it will be a 24 word comment but I had to throw this in here for some reason) ear muffs!

    • I know, right? I suck at curbing my language for my audience, but at least they’ll not be the kids on the playground who don’t know what the other kids are saying once they’re all cursing like little truckers.

  12. merbear74 says:

    Brilliant kids you have Don. 🙂

  13. the drinking beer and crying made me laugh. is that wrong?

  14. Glad Cool can dial 911 now! Hilarious!! How’s the “diet”? 🙂

    • Diet is not going so well, but I’ve jogged and had a mini weight lifting session, so that’s a start in the right direction. I just had a ham sandwich for breakfast so…

  15. sassypanties says:

    I’m going to send you the hospital bill for my fucking KIDNEY TRANSPLANT because I laughed so hard one of them fell out – and you know that 10 second rule does NOT WORK WITH KIDNEYS! So…thanks. Asshole.

  16. Learning the hard way says:

    Look at you, all Peter Griffin and Homer rolled into one…you’re still one of the most devoted Dads’ around. Good stuff.

  17. keladelaide says:

    Lol? Is that laxing on lounge?

  18. Well it doesn’t involve licking apparently! I learned that the hard way.

  19. The Cutter says:

    You have some truly awesome kids.

  20. Go Jules Go says:

    “Coaching tball is sort of like herding feral cats with only a #2 pencil and your wits.” Your blog is the best birth control EVER.

  21. canigetanotherbottleofwhine says:

    Wow, this was touching. Funny, as always, and touching – especially the Six Flags paragraph.

  22. findingninee says:

    HAHAHAHAH I’m totallyfuckingaddicted to your blog now, dick. Dick because I’m late for work and blaming your fatass who is probably sitting in your panties on the couch right now crying into your broken beer bottle.

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