Best weekend ever!


No it was not.  That was sarcasm, but I guess you’d not be able to tell that just by reading my post’s title.

Friday was a day of bonding for the men of the house as Cool was at the tail end of a sickness that had him not feeling well for a few days. He woke up Friday without a fever and seemed suspiciously well as he played the Wii for 8 straight hours. I’m certainly not saying that Cool was faking, as he really was sick for a couple of days, but shame on us for being responsible parents.  As he technically hadn’t been fever free for 24 hours, I just decided to say fuck it and take the day off.  Wife is out of sick days what with having babies and having sick kids all the time, so it was my turn.  Many parents don’t adhere to the 24 hour fever free rule, and in fact, many of them go ahead and send little Johnny Barfedthismorning to school or to the day care in spite of the pesky contagious disease their little cuties have because they have to horde their sick days for their own important things like golf outings or spa days.  Thanks for that dickheads.

In a prelude of things to come perhaps, I’d already spanked G$’s ass twice before 8:30 AM on Friday morning for various infractions until I’d had enough and tossed his butt back into his crib to let him stew in his juices for a bit. After crying and cursing the day I was born, he fell asleep, which tells me he woke up too early to start with.

The boys and I made it through the day alive and I had to leave to work at the bingo hall once wife got home from work herself.  I hate taking days off from the regular job when I have to work one of my side jobs on that same day.  It sucks.  I spend the whole day in between G$ spankings dreading that I had to go to work later in the day.  Now bingo doesn’t generally entail me doing anything more than sitting on my fat ass for nearly four hours while reading a book or something, but still, it’s being there that sucks.  It was an uneventful shift, as usual.  I was paid my five 20 dollar bills and made my way home.

Saturday was another day that I had to work secondary, this time at the chicken palace. One of my many quirks is that when I have to work an evening shift, I don’t generally like to leave the house all day.  I don’t know why that is, but it’s always been my preference to just stay home and be miserable about having to go to work later on in the day.

I broke my rule this time though and met the wife, who was already out running errands with G$, for lunch. We dined, we bought the dogs some food (from a different store than where we dined, yes) and were all set to go home.  G$ wanted to ride in daddy’s car, so he and Cool rode with me while the wife followed behind me in her sweet ass minivan with zero functional brake lights at this time.  At some point, she pulled over and I wondered if she had a flat or hit something or what, so I pulled over ahead as well to wait for her next move, which came via text.

r_Note Sep 23 2013

Yup, I somehow managed to leave my wallet within reaching distance of G$ and he went ahead and tossed it out the window for me because it wasn’t fun or delicious I guess.  Had Wife not been right behind me, I’d have never known it was gone and would have lost my mind trying to find it.

It was fairly windy on Saturday, so most of the paperwork in my George Costanza-esque wallet blew away never to be found again, including all five of my beautiful twenty-dollar bills from working the night before.  Wife said it was like confetti once it hit the air, with my shit blowing all over the place immediately.  With the wind and all the traffic on that four lane highway, we were lucky to find anything, let alone what we did salvage.

While I was ready to murder my last born child on Saturday, it’s nothing more than a funny story now.  I drank some beers on Sunday and have completely forgiven though not forgotten my beloved boy for his misdeed.

Speaking of Sunday, Cool and his gang (see what I did there?) had a soccer game and got their asses handed to them.  While they don’t keep score at that age, suffice to say it was a one-sided shellacking.  I attribute much of this to the fact that several of the kids didn’t feel like running at all, several more didn’t feel like even going into the game, and the others who did want to try were simply outmanned as their comrades sitting on the sidelines looked on indifferently.

That’s the funny thing with preschoolers, you never know which kid you’re going to get from day to day.  Last week the kids were pumped and put a beat down on another team, but this time the tables were turned.  It’s probably a good thing though as I’ll get a chance to talk to the kids about losing graciously at our next practice.  I was a little bit shocked at how some of the kids at this age were taking the losing so badly!  Geez kids, it’s just a preschool soccer game! To add insult to injury, the Cardinals lost to the lowly Brewers last night because they couldn’t field the fucking ball to save their own lives.

Anyway, that was my weekend in a nutshell. There is some good news though.  I got my Saturday and Sunday runs in for a total of about 11 miles and, despite the gallons of beer I had yesterday, when I weighed myself last night and this morning, I was at my lowest weight in a couple of years!

I started jogging again seven weeks ago and have logged about 120 miles in that time.  I’ve also watched what I’ve eaten a little bit.  I’m not crazy with it, obviously, as I still drink beer (not as much) and eat pizza when I want.

So, thanks to the scale, my weekend wasn’t a complete wash.  I hope yours was much better than mine, and if you can beat a kid tosses wallet out of moving car on highways story, please do share it!

This entry was posted in Family, Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

65 Responses to Best weekend ever!

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Good news on the scale victory and the jogging, at least. 🙂

    • Thank you! It’s nice to finally see some noticeable results. It can be frustrating when you feel like you’re doing the work but not seeing change. The scale is often unkind as I was noticing my belts fit into different holes even though I was apparently at the same weight. Weight loss is hard!

  2. Jolene says:

    Awesome on the miles!!! sorry to hear about your wallet……but on a lighter note at least your “man” boobs are shrinking. 😛

  3. abbbz says:

    LMAO! Well if it makes you feel any better I didnt realize until Sat that my fridge was broken and I was feeding my family spoiled dairy products for 4 days…oh and I dont have a washing machine in my apt. It was vomit/poop festival 2013 in my apt, and my landlord chuckled when I mentioned that the $300.00 in grocieries that I bought on Wed were all spoiled. Although I am sure they wont be chuckeling when rent is short on Tuesday….

    • Sadly, it does make me feel a little better! I hope your situation turns around soon! That’s harsh!

      • abbbz says:

        I had a feeling! We are all ok now and even better since this cheap ass complex gave me a new fridge. Alas they are saying they are not responsible to pay for all the food that spoiled. I guess it will be a fun read when I send the rent in sans the bill to replace the new food….guess the jokes on them eh?

  4. dentaleggs says:

    I’m glad we only have one kid.

  5. Mental Mama says:

    Can’t beat that story, but I’d have happily beat the kid. Would have liked to have beat someone this weekend, probably my husband’s ex wife. The kid has been sick for 2 solid weeks and that bitch hasn’t taken her to see a doctor. Right, and I’m the one who wasn’t fit to breed.

  6. Katie says:

    Maybe G$ is just trying to spare you from spinal disalignment caused by your George Costanza wallet.

  7. I Am Jasmine Kyle says:

    Well at least your jogging! OH and your wife is AMAZING! Plusses all around!!!

  8. ardenrr says:

    Bahahahaha G$ is hilarious 🙂

  9. Melanie says:

    I love that you both can drop f-bombs together in near perfect harmony.

  10. i always knew you were the kind of guy who would toss money out the window. (and i’m crossing my idol fingers for you) 🙂

    • Well, we police officers make so much money that it’s only fair to share it with random people travelling down the highway! I just hope needy, appreciative people do find the bills and make good use of them.

      Is that a blogger idol reference? You’re like the 20th person to bring it up so I figured it must be something fun! Are you entered as well?

      • i’m a judge, baby. 😉

      • Oh geez! Am I allowed to talk to you this week?? Oh, all the awful things I’ve said to you these past few months are coming back to haunt me!! Lol. No, your boys are sweet for real.

      • hmmm i don’t know. but i’ve read like 200 essays for them this week and you believe me, you can see pretty fast, what a good blog looks like. anyway, i’m plugging for you, in a fair and just way, of course. hahaha. it is an amazing, challenging contest. it had me crazy. i mean, crazier.. 😉

  11. Cardinals will still win the division because the Pirates can’t put more than two hits together in a single inning (sometimes in a single game) and now the pitching is going south. You can celebrate the pennant next weekend and forget all about this one.

    • Let’s hope so! It’s the Reds I’m more concerned with than the Pirates, sorry! Lol. They were saying the Cards clinched a playoff birth but they were talking about at least getting to play in that wild card play-in game! That’s not the playoffs!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Ay! That is quite the weekend! Glad your “biggest loser” moment on the scale saved the day/weekend! 🙂

  13. barbtaub says:

    Nah, you pretty much take it on your wallet-tossing-kid story. (It tops our family-accident, which involved moving day, two cars, one of us changing his mind and backing that sucker OFF the on-ramp, into the other of us. Of course, the one in front had one of those old-style VW bugs with the engine in the back. Score: two totaled cars (him), one depressed auto-insurance agent, and lifelong story rights (her).)

  14. rynolexson says:

    Wallet OUT the window? That’s ballsy to say the least. At least it gives you some great content for the rest of us; make sure to thank G$ for us all please.

  15. Carrie Rubin says:

    Congrats on the weight loss. And look at it this way, without your heavy wallet weighing you down, you’ll weigh even less…

  16. Laura Lynn says:

    I didn’t even know I had a relaxing weekend until I read about yours. Awesome of you to share. Mine consisted of re fencing the chicken coops, painting the new hen house ( again, it rained the first time and the paint ran all over the white trim-it looked like a slaughterhouse) and then cooking &$@?( Can I just say fucking?) healthy food for marathon Sunday football watching. Healthy food. For football. All season. No wings, or chips or cheese dip, nachos or burgers and chili dogs. AAAIIEEEE!!! It’s so screwed. So there I was with Vietnamese lettuce wraps and vegetables and (trying SO hard not to swear) tofu dip and frozen (SO hard not to swear) yogurt! But I drew the line at beer. I told them all…I’m drinking beer. Go fuck yourselves.

    But no one threw my wallet out the window. At least there’s that.

  17. OK. That was funny. But I’m more than a little distressed to hear that a police officer needs to extra jobs. Seriously??? Are you in the United States? What the hell is wrong with the world that police officers are not paid enough to work ONE job???
    On a funnier note, a friend of mine went through a stage with her kid where he was such a pain in the ass that she would start the morning by saying, “Do you want your spanking now or do you want to wait until something inevitably happens?”
    (p.s. we are talking about butt smacks…not child abuse…no need for the anti-spankers to lose their minds.)

    • We are in the good ole USA, and they are police related secondary jobs, so there’s that. We need to pay the babysitter and preschool bills and that’s how we do it! Lol, good recovery for the anti spanker crowd. G$ isn’t quite there yet, but he’s close. Really close.

  18. Your wallet isn’t fun and delicious? Mine is. 😉 That was my favorite line.

  19. djmatticus says:

    I had a fantastic weekend. The little prince even mostly slept through the night last night. It was glorious. Good food, a couple beers, house projects that all went smoothly, some good movies… Really the only downer was the neither of my soccer teams (LA Galaxy and Manchester United) won their games. And, I know those are just games so they didn’t bum me out too much. (Okay, i cried like a little girl when United lost yesterday morning, but I was over it a couple hours (and a few beers) later.)

  20. Pleun says:

    Haha, that was funny. I (thankfully) don’t have any kids, but I heard a great story from a friend of mine. He and the wife were going out for a nice dinner for two, leaving the kids with the sitter. When it was time to pay the bill, my friend pulled a sloppy peanut-butter & jelly sandwich out of his pocket instead of his wallet. Imagine everyone’s surprise (including the waiter’s)! Yeah, it’s nothing more than a funny story now too 😉

  21. 1jaded1 says:

    Nope…can’t beat that. You win. Nice that you were run.

  22. Go Jules Go says:

    Oh, I feel bad for laughing as hard as I am right now, but oh. The image of the bills flying out like confetti… I’m surprised your last born is still breathing.

    And I am the exact same way – those numbers on the scale can salvage the day/weekend! Way to go! That is some serious minivan-level mileage you’ve covered in 7 weeks!

    • He is delightful, Jules, in spite of his shenanigans. Sigh….

      Thanks on the running; it totally blows! How are you doing with the hiking and what not?

      • Go Jules Go says:

        Ha! Every time I try to jog (besides worrying about spilling my drink…) I just immediately think, “No. Nope. Not this body.” No matter how thin I’ve ever gotten, it just feels WRONG. So my sincere kudos to you.

        The bears and spiders and unmaintained trails finally did me in, but I’m hiking the neighborhood like a Class A street walker. Wait. That came out wrong. I’ve lost 23 lbs since I got the Fitbit in July! Only 758,741 more to go!

      • Go Jules Go says:

        Oh and I’m lifting weights again like you advised. You really did motivate me to start doing that again (via Tadd and his unitard splendor)!

  23. I can honestly say that I can not beat that story about your wallet being thrown out the window. That hurt! A few years before we had our son, I bought what I lovingly called my Mom mobile. Features that it had that I absolutely loved: cruise control, a/c, rear childproof locking doors, electric windows that I could lock out, and a spacious cargo area to stow lots of kid gear.

    Congratulations on dropping some poundage!! And on your running!! I can’t believe you get $100 for bingo. Color me jealous.

    • It really is sort of like stealing since there’s rarely any action. Once though, a woman’s tube came dislodge from her oxygen tank for a moment and another time the lights went out. Those are something I guess.

  24. findingninee says:

    Now I’m all pissed off I even told you about the Blogger Idol contest seeing as you’re ass kissing judges over here and all that. Shit. Also, sorry to hear about your wallet. That really sucks. So lucky your wife saw it fly out the window!

  25. mistyslaws says:

    Holy shit. Yeah, you win. Hands down. I’ve never had a wallet toss.

    In fact, my weekend was glorious! I met a fellow blogger and we went to the Ren Fest. Blog post to come.

    But congrats on the weight loss! That is fabulous. Keep it up. Before long, I won’t even be ABLE to call you a fat ass!! 😉

  26. I just pissed my pants reading about the wallet and I have no excuse because I’ve never had a kid. Congrats on the running and weight loss!

  27. Can’t top that story. Not even when Andrew’s baby blanket blew out the car window while we were driving on the Autobahn in Germany and we had to back up on the Autobahn, dodge craxy German drivers to get it. Hey! nice one on the running. It sucks but is the best fitness fix out there.

  28. Pingback: I love my today yous the best… | don of all trades

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s