Little aggravations and the death of the school birthday snack…

I am by and large a fairly laid back and patient person.  I coach little league without flying off the handle too easily and I’ve never kicked my puppy or son for pissing all over the carpet in a fit of uncontrolled rage.

No, my rage is mostly controlled and it sprouts only occasionally, and almost always from the most mundane of circumstances.

I’ve come to grips with the fact that driving will always cause me to fly off the handle because people who smoke or have a uterus or the last name Nguyen just don’t fucking get it.  Driving is extra hard for a lot of people and their confusion causes me much rage.  I’ve tried to use techniques to keep myself calm, but I’ve found in the end that screaming profanities at my windshield and making awkward hand gestures to those who cut me off helps make me feel better faster.

This is all fine and dandy but for the fact that my brain doesn’t care whether I’m driving alone or with the boys in the back seat while they’re soaking in every “fuck you you stupid fat bitch” or “holy fuck you stupid mother fucker, it’s the pedal on the right!!!!”

Yeah, it’s that bad sometimes.

Aside from driving, work and stupid people generally, I’ve recently been reintroduced to an entity I can do without the aggravation from in the way of the schools my kids attend.

Ace goes to the local public school.  It’s taken them two weeks to figure out how to get the kids to and from various bus stops and the school within a half hour of the time that they themselves predesignated as the anticipated time coordinates.  I don’t believe that it was a shock to the administration that there would be bus routes to plan as she rode the bus to and from school last year as well as the year before that and so on.  Hell, I rode buses to and from school 30 years ago so I know they’ve been around long enough that bus routes should be old hat.

Aside from the buses and the paperwork that everybody has to fill out, we get emails updating us on all the school shenanigans and what not.  It’s quite a bit of information and more than my brain can handle sometimes.

The most recent nugget of information that set me off mildly was this:

Please know that in compliance with XX School District’s Policy XX, School name is joining the many District schools that have moved away from FOOD items to celebrate students’ birthdays.

Here at School, we do love to celebrate birthdays and each classroom teacher will still have ways that they recognize your child on their special day.  However, beginning this school year, if parents wish to send in a birthday item to help celebrate their child’s birthday, they are required to choose a NONEDIBLE treat.  Examples/ideas could include:  special erasers, pencils, stickers, bookmarks, donation of a class book, etc.

If food items are sent in with a student, the food will be held in the office and sent back home at the end of the day.

For parents wishing to eat lunch with their child, they may still do so; however parents should bring food for ONLY their child.  When you arrive at school, please be sure to sign in at the front office and receive your visitor badge.  Please note that ONLY the parent’s child may eat with them.

As we continue to strive for the best safety and security measures for your children, we thank you in advance for your understanding and cooperation in regards to these important health and safety issues.

How is this a fucking safety concern?

While I do look forward to bringing in a whole chocolate cake and eating it at Ace’s lunch table with her while her table mates look upon us in jealousy because we’re not allowed to share, this policy still makes me somewhat sad in addition to pissing me off.

I remember in first grade our teacher had a kids’ recipe book and we got to pick things out of the book to make for treats if we wanted to.  I was the same dope then as I am now, so we made frozen chocolate covered bananas on my birthday that year.  I remember them being delicious, but have never since eaten a chocolate covered banana that didn’t make me want to wretch.

The schools allowed parents to make shit to bring in for birthday treats and it was fun when somebody who had a Pinterest type mom before Pinterest was cool would bring in some outrageous cake or cup cake treats as a big hey fuck you other kids, I love my kid more than your mom loves you!  They were usually delicious.

The schools moved away from home made treats because, quite honestly, who knows if somebody has baked a cake in their trailer that they let their dog lick or whose nasty ass cat didn’t walk all over before it got frosted and it was just easier to bring in a store bought snack.

Of course the bought snack arsenal then had to be disarmed of peanuts and whatever else it was that 1% of every school kid is allergic too because everything in society now has to be geared towards the weakest link in the chain.

It was just a matter of time then, I guess, before the snacks were done away with forever. With classroom sizes growing so big now, it’s probably best that there not be parties every other school day.  Kids will lose valuable learning time and little Suzie Fatfuck’s mom would be beside herself that the school was allowing unhealthy treats to be served to her daughter while she’s not there to supervise.  There’s always one parent who ruins something for everyone by being a totally unreasonable bitch.

Snacks are out now in Ace’s school.  She could give two shits though because her birthday is in the summer anyway.  Still, I feel bad for the unpopular kids.  They could really earn cool kid points by bringing in a snack that rocked their classmates’ world before.  Now, however, they’ll have to win friends over with erasers or pencils.  Haha, yeah, good luck with that, kid.

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108 Responses to Little aggravations and the death of the school birthday snack…

  1. Kimberly Huffard says:

    A little fun on the eve of back to school.

  2. I’m guessing that it may have something to do with allergies. Nowadays you’ve got to worry about nut allergies, chocolate allergies…and even gluten allergies. Plus, there are all those “health” crazed parents who may not allow their children the pleasures of sweets. It sure sucks, though. Of course I never got any of that anyway. Damned summer birthdays.

    • They actually let the summer kids pick a date during the school year to have a party now. I understand that kids have allergies and what not. I have no problem figuring out what would work in a particular classroom and limiting snacks to those that won’t require an epi pen be on hand, but doing away with the snacks completely is stupid. Ace is the youngest in her class and she’s 10. Kids that age should know what they can and can’t eat. Just do away with the party altogether at this point and be done with it.

      • Oh, I completely agree. It is lame. Well, soon Ace will be in Jr High and birthdays will be commemorated by decorated lockers. Unless, of course, they figure out that some people are allergic to adhesives and they make that against the rules, too. 😉

  3. Jolene says:

    OMG this was great!! I couldn’t stop laughing …… “Suzie Fatfuck mom” hilarious?? Love your boldness!!

  4. QuiltnMama says:

    I LOVE waving with my middle finger when I get behind the wheel! As for school gifts, to hell with the small erasers…just what you need for some kid to pop ’em like candy and wind up choking. Can you say lawsuit? Then again, I’m one of those uterus-bearing drivers so I may not be entirely trustworthy.

    • Lol, your driving in no away affects your trustworthiness with respect to this important issue. I reserve the middle finger for when I’m really really mad and the person knows it and is still being a dick on purpose. I mostly gripe to myself and try not to make a complete spectacle of myself.

  5. So hilarious. Your kid’s school sounds crazier than most. Am I wrong? I suffer from road rage too. Except, I’m worried about saying things like, “You stupid idiot!” in front of my kids. Mormon equivalent to swearing, I guess. But, my sister told me once that sitting in the school pick up line once with the windows rolled down, her daughter leaned out the window and screamed, “You’re in the way you idiot!” to a person that was indeed in the way. So, lesson to be learned? Always keep your windows rolled up in a road rage incident.

  6. I’m automatically a bad driver because I have a uterus? Seriously? Wow.

  7. Pleun says:

    I say give them all a gold fish as non-edible treat. That’ll teach ‘m. I hear they are very zen, may help with road rage too?

  8. cookie1986 says:

    My mother in law was a grade one teacher, and i remember her saying to me one day ” Do you have ANY idea how much time i spend in a school year serving birthday cake?’ It really irritated her, lol.

    • I believe cake slicing was a class in the education major curriculum. It used to make me so jealous when I was leaving a chemistry lab frustrated and confused to see my education peers singing songs and cutting cake so cheerfully.

  9. Nagzilla says:

    I haven’t seen that yet, but here in Minnesota they’ve been banning homemade treats for a while. Like, it’s actually a freaking law! I was so disappointed when Andrea went to school and I had to buy shit cookies or cupcakes from the bakery. Their frosting was nasty.

    I agree with a previous commenter- it’s probably the whole allergy thing. Between nuts, dairy, and gluten, kids can’t eat anything these days. And since nobody should be left out, just ban it all. I’m waiting for the day some parent brings in balloons for everyone and then gets in trouble because some kid has a latex allergy.

    In some ways we lucked out- our kid’s birthday always (ALWAYS!) falls in the middle of spring break week, so she hasn’t had a birthday at school since she was in first grade. Sucks to be her.

  10. Mental Mama says:

    Damn. My older niece started kindergarten this year and they all take turns bringing treats, but they gotta be store bought. We’re liberal out here though. “Fuck ’em” is part of our state motto I think.

    • Lol, yeah fuck em! It was store bought treats for awhile. I’m not sure what brought this about all of a sudden. It’s not the school’s job to make sure kids have a special birthday, but it’s a nice tradition.

  11. Aw crap. I think there’s a conspiracy going on to leach all of the fucking happiness from the world so a few can feel superior and safe behind all the beige. Keep driving and aiming that friendly middle finger of yours at all the idiots. We can all do our part to prevent the conspiracy from gaining ground, one finger at a time 🙂

  12. Katie says:

    Because I have a summer birthday I missed out on bringing the treats, but having cupcakes every once in a while was awesome. Where did all these mutant allergy kids come from? Why should everyone suffer for one kid’s genetic shortcomings?

  13. I am hoping and praying for a school policy that bans parents from bringing treats. I hate baking. I always end up doing a late-night run to the store because I remember at the last minute that I’m supposed to be brining something. Or I look like the loser mom who doesn’t care about their kid enough to bring a treat. Let’s stop making moms like me look bad!

  14. momtimes4 says:

    I hate that! Luckily we can still bring treats. Some of my favorite memories of growing up are bringing in my birthday treats.

  15. Don: “Ace, you’re gonna be sixteen in a month, don’t you think it’s about time we went down to the DMV and got your driver’s license?”
    Ace: “What’s the point? I’m just gonna fail.”
    Don: “That’s not true, honey. What makes you say that?”
    Ace: “It IS tue. Women are lousy drivers. Plus, I heard the instructor is Vietnamese, so you know he doesn’t know shit about driving.”
    Don: “That’s enough! Where’d you learn that garbage?”
    Ace: “On your blog.”
    Don: “-”
    Ace: “You’re a cop, Dad. So, it’s true, right?”
    Don: “-”
    Ace: “And, um…Dad, if I develop a peanut allergy, does that mean I’m a weak link in society? What about a wheat allergy? What would that make me, then? Is it my fault if I get the allergy? What if I didn’t mean to get it? What if I didn’t even do anything and it just happened? What do they do to weak links? Are companies gonna, like, not hire me and stuff because of stuff like that? What’s gonna happen to me, Dad?”
    Don: “-”
    Ace: “And if I ever gain weight, are you gonna call me a fatfuck, too? How much is too much to weigh? Just tell me so I know, I trust you. I mean, you got a gut and all but it’s different for guys, right? It’s only women that have to look a certain way, right? You’ll tell me if I start to get ugly, right?”
    Don: “-”
    Ace: “And, you know, there’s this really nice girl, Trina, in biology and she invited me to her birthday party but I don’t think I’m gonna go because, I mean, she lives in a trailer park, so the food probably has animals all in it, right? That’s what they do in trailers, right? They let their pets walk in the people food? Is it just trailers or is it apartments, too? What if it’s a nice apartment in a nice neighborhood but they still have pets? How do I know if it’s a nice neighborhood? Is it the stuff or the people that make it nice? What if the apartment is bad but the people are nice? Like, if they used to live in a big, expensive house but they lost their house in a fire or something? That’s what happened to Trina. Now, they live in a trailer where they have to let the animals walk in their food. I’m not going over there. People like that are just gross. Her mom is probably a fatfuck.”
    Don: (cracks open a beer)

    • Wait, who is this Trina? She sounds like bad news.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Oooooh snap!
      (Don, that is the first and last “snap” I will ever snap on this page but, damn, you have to admire this rebuttal!

    • I applaud your effort and recognition that this would totally end with my cracking open a beer, but my kids get it pretty well. They were raised on sarcasm. The boys are allergic to several things, with 4 being allergic to everything. We wouldn’t let his allergies affect the lives of others where we could help it. I just believe the number of kids who would die from cupcake exposure at school is small enough that it’s worth the risk.

      • “I just believe the number of kids who would die from cupcake exposure at school is small enough that it’s worth the risk.”

        Wow. Just…wow.

      • “They were raised on sarcasm.”

        I’ll bet your kids are smart. Real smart. But at that age, they’re just not quite smart enough yet to pick up on all the adult subtleties that you’re tossing out like razor-edged Frisbees. They’re probably a lot better at responding to Daddy’s comments in the way that makes Daddy happy, i.e. pretending it’s funny in the moment when it actually feels kind of crappy deep down inside.

        Keeping Daddy happy is vital to their emotional survival. After all, they’ve seen how Daddy responds to people who don’t please him. It’s a bizarre kind of humor that throws punches at people and then retreats with a “Geez, can’t you take a joke?” when they don’t “get it.”

        You’re a clever, funny guy, Don, but damn, you sure are angry.

  16. tric says:

    You Americans are one mad fecked up nation. Watch the news a whole bunch of Irish kids are destined to die because they are eating food not made by their own parents!!! Plan a trip here for his birthday and you all might even have a bit of craic. Unless of course, as I suspect, you are allergic,

  17. Well, I was gonna take you down for that ‘uterus’ comment Don, but I can see that you are already in good hands, so I’ll leave these ladies to it and go to bed 😉

    PS You owe me a diet and exercise update!

  18. Melanie says:

    I have a uterus and I smoke. Hah! I’m totally going to cut you off and drive really really slow.

  19. genext13 says:

    Another post I could have written myself. My son just started school this year and they do not allow treats either. We get to bring a “birthday book.” -.- If I really wanted to show my kid I love him more than any of the other parents at your school,, I would go get iPod minis for the whole class. No treats? They can suck it.

  20. Well, I know I’d never get a job at your school. Last year I read my kids a (fantastic) book called, “Chocolate River Rescue”. To celebrate the end of the book and the project we did on it, I brought in a chocolate fountain and the kids all brought in fruit and treats and stuff to dip in the fountain. The kids went f-ing bonkers!!! My son (who is 15 going on 50) skipped school to help me. So yeah, I advocate chocolate and skipping school.
    p.s. I just shut my door and since my principal avoids entering places with actual children in them, I was safe!

    • Lol! You sound fucking amazing! A chocolate fountain in a classroom has to be instantaneous front of the line for teacher of the year material.

      • Yeah, kids love me and administrators poke pencils in their eyes when they see me coming. Get out your pencils boss, it’s time for a new school year!!!
        p.s. My favorite part of the chocolate fountain days (I did it twice because the first time wasn’t crazy-ass enough) is at the end when they are so jacked up on chocolate that they just stick their plate under the fountain and then lick it off. Will they remember all the facts we memorized for the standardized test? Not likely. Will they always remember the day we had a chocolate fountain in our classroom? Yeah, I’m pretty sure they will.

    • tric says:

      Any chance you could move to Ireland!

  21. Kristen says:

    allthoughtswork…where is the ‘like’ button?

    Don…you weren’t quite thinking ahead about all those uterus bearing women you just won over today because you are Mr. November. How in one day could you lose them all?

    I, on the other hand, had my uterus removed a few years back…so now I’m a great driver!

  22. Blogdramedy says:

    Smack me, Jesus. It’s been awhile since I had to bake a cake for class. It is really this overly controlled and utterly ridiculous now?

    By the way, I drive. I have a uterus. I handle a car like the Stig. I am the exception.

  23. A.J. Goode says:

    I was told that parents can’t bring in home-made treats because there’s always a chance that parents might have made meth in the same kitchen. Because apparently, parents who have the energy to bake for their kids MUST be using some kind of drugs.

  24. rossmurray1 says:

    Sharing is scaring.

  25. Christina says:

    Just so you know the driver who hit my son with his scrotum enhancing F250 did not have a uterus but was a DICK, er…I mean had a dick. Uteruses UNITE!!!! Otherwise, your post took the words right out of my mouth : )

  26. Amber Perea says:

    Boring. Kids are missing out on the fun of our youth. But, on the bright side, it’s nice as parents that we don’t get stuck with having to bake 40 cupcakes overnight like the nonsense I used to do to my mom. 😉

    • Yeah, there’s something to be said for relieving the parents of some of this and I’m sure teachers probably could do without the mess of crumbs and temptation to eat cupcakes every week. Still, I fight unreasonably for old traditions! It’s part of what makes me stupid.

  27. Liability. It’s the damned lawyers’ fault! My kid’s school does still allow food to be brought in, but it has to be store bought so it has a list of ingredients (allergy stuff). If I, however, make something and list all the ingredients, that’s not good enough. Oh well, my kid doesn’t even care, so I don’t bother at all. One of his buddies always brings in a few dozen doughnuts from Krispy Crème, and all the kids come home with hats.

    • Hats from Krispy Kreme??

      I assume that school districts mimic each other pretty regularly, so it’s just a matter of time before snacks are out everywhere! Gosh, I wonder if Michelle Obama is behind this now that I’m thinking about it.

  28. Ughhhh. I really really miss teaching now.

  29. Don, this post is slicker than deer guts on a doorknob. I’m prone to, “Nice turn signal, you dumb sonofabitch.” But then I have a little police work to go on. Fortunately, I never had to deal with kids and schools, but the meth comment above is all too real and scary. These days I would not be surprised to read that a parent skipped the edibles all together and just sent it the meth all by itself.

    • Yeah, the turn signal is a big pet peeve of mine as well. There really are a lot of imbeciles out there and we don’t know who most of the parents are in our kids’ class, so the home made thing is fine. Still, let a kid eat a sucker or something!

  30. midwestkite says:

    “…everything in society now has to be geared towards the weakest link in the chain.” <– that is the TRUTH!! One of the perks to living in my corner of the Middle East is that mentality hasn't hit here yet. Everyone is pretty much on their own in the safety department. For example, most swimming pools don't even have the depth noted anywhere around the pool. It's like the Grammys of Darwin awards around here.

    • I love it that everyone is on their own! We don’t have a pool near us that has a high dive anymore because we’re so soft. I work for a major city police department and we got rid of our in car shotguns a few years back. The dept. would probably not admit this, but the smaller officers were having trouble handling the gun so they phased it out even though most of us loved it and recognized that it was superior to the gun they replaced it with. Just another example of making sure the lowest common denominator is placated.

  31. JayNine says:

    Ok, seriously, I have been reading Don’s Blog for a looong while now. I can tell just by his demeanour that He Is Venting and this IS his blog.. So he’s got the right.

    I admit i was sliiightly offended at first, i had my whole rebuttal planned out in my head to cover the whole “allergy” nonsense, etc BUT, if you take off the judgement glasses, this is just HIS Experience. Don’s Opinion. And we all have a right to our opinions, no matter how harsh the readers might receive it.
    I LOVE DON–he is an incredible writer, an ACTIVE Father, an experienced parent and well loved man by his family–IF You read his Whole blog, you’ll see that over and above one “rant”!
    I can definitely see through the “surface” comments of his about uterus’ and others, and see his frustrations, as I have had them as well. even if I don’t express them (as WELL) as Don has here… 😉

    AND, IF his children grow to read this blog, I am 100% Confident in Don’s SupeR-DaD abilities, his family relationships, and experience as a parent; that Don would be there to explain anything they might be unclear about. I pretty much believe if Don’s as smart as he is, those children have been raised BY HIM, and would already know “what did Daddy mean by that?!” … right? After all They know him better than we do!

    Don, you KNOW how I feel about you/your blog. I think you’re amazing man! However disagreeable I might be on these subjects, I “get it”–you did a GREAT JOB putting (some of) us in stitches of Laughter, as usual ;D Thanks for always sharing YOUR Truths on the blog. I appreciate your open honesty shares.
    (Better than Fake Happy Bullshitters!)
    xo JayNine xo

    • Booya, J9, thanks for having my back! I do like to share my thoughts and opinions and sometimes they get through without being filtered. I appreciate folks like you who’ve been around and know I don’t mean anything by it. Hope all is well up thar in Canada!

  32. Although I have a uterus, ahem…I agree with you. In our kid’s school we can no longer call the pavement “blacktop” because it’s racists!! AND we can’t celebrate holidays because it may be offensive!

    • Wait, you can’t say blacktop for real?

      My daughter looked at me funny when I told her to sit down Indian style and when I explained it to her, she said it’s called pretzel style now!

  33. Sarah Almond says:

    Just bring money. That’ll help with the popularity vote.

  34. 1jaded1 says:

    It doesn’t matter if you have a uterus or a penis…bad driving is bad driving. I have no kids. I remember my sister’s spawn saying…oh, I have to bring in something for my birthday. This being right before they go to bed on the night before.

  35. Laura Lynn says:

    I made samosas,chimichangas, spring rolls,sausage rolls last year for Hugo’s geography class when I heard him telling his Dad he had to ‘bring’ something to illustrate food of the world.Yeah, that’s right…too right. I got carried away. Totally. I am proud to report that Hugo has such a fondness for hand held food that he took most of it to the lunchroom where he and a few buddies ate it all without sharing, I could have hugged him I was so proud. When I asked what exactly ended up in the classroom he said ‘leftovers.’ I love love love that he didnt lie and he looked abashed. His solution was that ‘next time i drive it there after the lunch break.

    So far, no food bans in our district. Still shit for brains drivers of both sexes. I personally enjoy insulting at other drivers – but not so they hear it. I’d hate to startle anyone into opposing traffic. Muttering profanity is more my line.

  36. I too find this kind of sad. My kids, for years, brought in cupcakes to school on their bithdays. Of course I was never the one who was up until midnight the night before baking them. 🙂 I get the whole allergy thing… my son is allergic to certain kinds of nuts, thankfully NOT peanuts, but the other kinds. He gets hives and throws up, etc, etc. BUT, we taught him early on not to eat stuff if he didn’t know what was in it. He’s okay with that, he’s not traumatized. Plus pretty much every parent knows not to bring in something with nuts in it. So, I don’t know, I get where they’re coming from but I HATE to see it happening.

  37. ksujulie says:

    Snacks in schools is just not what it used to be. When did all these allergies pop up?? I don’t remember classmates having allergies.

    Off topic – I’ll admit it. I have a uterus and I am a horrible driver. Watch out!

  38. Daile says:

    And welcome to everyone who followed Don after he was Freshly Pressed – this is the other side of the mushy softie guy. Enjoy!

  39. Watching the DOAT roller coaster ride is so engrossing that I could probably choke down a Bud Light while doing so.

  40. I did root beer floats for my son’s birthday one year, because I am that Pinterest type mom! Oh, and how freaking cool was I last year, because I made Halloween treats with full size Hershey bars!!

    So if we cater to the weakest links, do you think that means we will all become weaker??

  41. Oh, Don. For the first time the comments were more entertaining than the post! LOL

    You’re aware of my thoughts on Asshat Drivers … I don’t separate them by gender, I’m an equal opportunity rager. I knew it was bad when my son was three and we were sitting at a traffic light. The SECOND it turned green he hollered “Let’s get a move on already!!” Oops. Bad Mommy.

    I’m one of the people who likes the no treats rule for 2 reasons: 1. I’m lazy. (I doubt you ever saw that Confession of mine b/c I wrote it a while ago.) But the less I’m supposed to do–or look like I don’t care about my kids–the better. 2. The Girl is one of those allergy-ish types. She has Celiac disease and has to eat gluten free. That shit is fucking expensive and if I’m going to have to feed a class full of kids, I’ll spend $30 if I have to buy every kid a damn cookie.

    • Well, the other kids probably don’t want to eat that gluten free crap anyway, so you could supply them with “normal people” snacks at a lower cost, right?? Lol. I see your point about one less thing to have to worry about doing though.

  42. mollytopia says:

    Bahahaha “because everything in society now has to be geared towards the weakest link in the chain.” Right??? Oh and “Suzie Fatfuck’s kid” made me cackle almost as much as the “winch for wayward fatasses” in that other post months ago. I have to go back and read it because that’s how much I love it. Oh Don. You are priceless.

    • Haha, I can’t believe you remember winches for wayward fatasses! You’re the best. I don’t blame Suzie though. It’s her moms fault.

      • mollytopia says:

        Are you joking with me???? I was 100% serious when I told you I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard. By far the funniest post I’ve EVER read. Tears streaming. Sigh…Sorry there are no more tasty b-day snacks at school : (

  43. It HAS gotten ridiculous!
    And OMG, Don, with the bus route business? *screams/pulls out hair/stomps*

  44. Everything is getting out of hand with respect to coddling as many members of society as we can. When these kids grow up do they cause a stink if a coworker has a little party for another coworker? No, it’s the douchebag parents that are causing these issues.

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