The internet is ruining snack time…

Thankfully, Ace is old enough to pack her own lunch or figure out on her own when she wants to buy whatever crap the school district is serving.

When she wasn’t old enough though, it was mostly momma who took care of making sure it got done.  When one parent does something almost exclusively, the other never learns to do it correctly.  When it came to lunch packing, that was me.

So of course, one day a couple of years ago now, when the task somehow fell on my shoulders, Ace wasn’t liking the school lunch offering and I had to pack her little butt a lunch, in spite of my protestations that it’d be so much easier if she’d suck it up, take daddy’s three bucks and just eat the goddamn spinach, squid burger or whatever they were serving up that day for lunch.

She refused to buy her lunch though so that meant that there was a lunch that needed to be packed and sent to school with her.  Not only that, but I also had to send  some sort of snack to get her through her difficult afternoon of ass grabbing, playing 7up or doing whatever it is that kids do in school now.

Long story short, when she got home from school, I got a ration of shit from her because her afternoon snack was some sort of candy bar or sandwich cracker contraption or something that had…..ohmyfuckinggod…..peanuts in it!  I’m sure I unloaded a bunch of Halloween candy on the class because it was taking up space in our pantry!

images (29)


My then 6 or 7 year old daughter proceeded to give me quite a verbal undressing about what an irresponsible parent I was for allowing her to bring such a horrible substance into her school building.  I remember thinking 1) I might punch you in the face, little girl, 2) thank you Jesus for only giving me one daughter out of three possibilities, and 3) it was a simple peanut product!

Whoah there sister!

Last time I checked, I’m the daddy in this house and if anybody is going to be snarky, disrespectful and implicitly call another family member an idiot, it’s gonna be me!

I’m not 100% sure of the policy, even to this day, but apparently, peanut products are OK for lunch, but not for classroom snack time.  The “peanut kids”, as they call them, can be segregated in the vastness that is the cafeteria, but they’re less capable of escaping death by peanut in the much smaller classroom.

Now I know many of you, even several of my real life friends who will read this, are very sensitive to the fact that your children are vaginas and can’t be within 100 feet of a peanut without swelling up like a manatee and requiring an epipen be jammed into his or her leg, but I don’t care right this very second.  I’ll care again tomorrow, I’m sure, but let me have right now.

Hell, my own son, Cool is allergic to 4700 different things according to the immunologist, maybe even peanuts. He’d have to eat one for us to figure it out, but he hates anything peanut related and won’t let it touch his tongue, even peanut butter M&Ms or Reece’s Pieces.

It isn’t just in our minds that more people have these allergies than ever before either.  It’s real! 

It’ not only real, but many people are going nuts (pun intended) with all of this allergy bullshit!

Why have so many of us become unable to withstand the likes of peanuts or milk or shellfish where this never seemed to be a big deal before?

I blame the internet.

For all the amazing, great uses of and for the internet (this blog), there are just as many terrible, bad uses. (this blog).

One of the worst things the internet has done is to allow Stupid to persist and multiply.

Hey MA we're outta soda!!
Hey MA we’re outta soda!!

There was a time when a fat, nasty bastard living in his mother’s basement only wiped the Dorito cheese from his fingertips long enough to masturbate into a sock while drooling onto naked photos of Karen Velez (the internet says she was the playmate of the year in 1985).

If he was lucky, he made the acquaintance of another male dweeb (probably a schoolmate) and they would read comic books and slay trolls with their 18 sided dice until they became exhausted from battle fatigue, ran out of Mr. Pibb or had to go upstairs to help momma rub her feet.

Time spent in the basement on Atari or Commodore 64 was good for society.  Many of these people were baseball and apple pie hating antisocial mental cases and were perfectly content to live their lives as such.  Perhaps many of them were brilliant in some way, but their inability to associate with another human being who couldn’t tell you what episode  Stardate: 42073.1  of Star Trek was (“The Child” sayeth the internet) made them difficult to deal with in real life settings.

Unfortunately though, the proliferation of internet access has emboldened the antisocial basement dweller like never before.  Charles Darwin would not doubt be aghast that these people are now able to lure other human beings into procreational relationships with each other without having to possess a single desirable, dominant trait other than the ability to left click a mouse.

In some other life, prior to the internet, if your greatest life accomplishment was reaching an epic level 35 or something in Dungeons and Dragons, you probably had little chance of being seen in public with a woman who wasn’t your mother or possibly your fat but sort of cute faced cousin, Janet.

Certainly fornicating was a pipe dream achievable only for those who were able to score their way into a Comic-con or similarly awesome event where other, like minded mouth breathers of the opposite sex could mingle and discuss their unique fascinations.

But now, lazy, fat, pimply faced turds can pretend that they’re 6’3″ cowboys and lure women into a meeting without ever having to actually be themselves.

While not all women are going to fall for such nonsense, there are enough women out there pretending to be hotter than they are who would at least meet with Dweeby McBasementdweller.

Once these disgusting troglodytes meet with each other and realize that they’ll never do any better, then you’re invariably going to get two sets of fucked up recessive genes combining to make an even more fucked up offspring, and it goes on and on thereafter!

You know, somebody allergic to everything?

It’s simple science people!  Just ask somebody smarter than me.

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40 Responses to The internet is ruining snack time…

  1. I love goddamn spinach, squid burgers. You’ve given me so many original sayings to steal in this post, so thanks in advance. I will be sure to give you credit: Don all trades, AKA “fat, nasty bastard living in his mother’s basement only wiping the Dorito cheese from his fingertips long enough to masturbate into a sock while drooling.”

    Your friend,
    – The Captain

  2. Oh, Amen brother A-freaking-men! You speak the truth…unvarnished, unalloyed, un….oh, I don’t know, it’s wine time. Cheers 🙂

  3. Katie says:

    I hate this fucking peanut allergy shit. I want to become a mother just be that annoying problem mom up at school. Is it my problem someone else’s mutant child is allergic to peanuts? No? What these kids need is to be around MORE peanuts. Maybe that would squash this epidemic.

    • It’s not just this that’s annoying, it’s the whole squeaky wheel gets the grease mentality in this country. We too often let a single person dictate policy for a larger group with more consistent wants/needs. I get that peanuts are dangerous to some people for whatever the reason, but peanut butter is cheap and it isn’t my daughter who should have to eat her peanut butter alone in the classroom.

      • Katie says:

        That’s exactly it. Why should those with a peanut butter allergy be favored? Surely there have been kids with this allergy for years, now suddenly because it’s a little more common and we know more about it, schools have to change their policies? That’s ridiculous. I’m not saying you force them to eat peanut butter, but jeez. Just because a kid brings a PB&J they have to be ostracized?

      • You’ll be an excellent mother someday! You should reserve or or something like it in anticipation of a future mom blog. Lol.

    • cookie1986 says:

      I fucking hate it too. And now that i have a toddler that interacts with other kids, I’m afraid to give her toast and peanut butter on those mornings we are going out somewhere to play.

  4. The Cutter says:

    Heh, I spent most of the 80s in my basement playing on the Atari and Commodore 64.

  5. ardenrr says:

    I think vaginas is a good word to start calling my friend’s kids — Thanks!

  6. I thank you for such insight on these pressing issues. I ate lunch with my kids at school once and they have a “peanut table” off to the side next to the kitchen where they banish the poor kids. But I can pack peanut butter sandwiches or snacks in my kid’s lunches. Where they go ballistic is if I put anything remotely candy-related. My daughter had a granola bar with chocolate and the teacher sent me a note to try and send “more nutritious” snacks. If I were to put Halloween candy in there, I’m certain all hell would break loose.

    • You’re a better person than I am. Were I to ever get such a note from a teacher I’d send her the very next day with the biggest Tonlerone bar of chocolate I could find along with a note that said “When my fourth grade daughter can find a least common denominator or subtract negative numbers without bothering me for help at home while I’m trying to get drunk watching baseball, I’ll listen to your advice on how to raise her. Thanks!

    • Roxie the Outlaw says:

      A peanut table? Oh the shame…..

  7. cookie1986 says:

    So that’s where you guys put your junk. In a sock. That’s why only one comes back from the laundry so often.
    Thank you Don, for your wisdom and help in clearing up this mystery for me.

  8. Mancakes says:

    Please. There are mornings where I realize I pissed the day before away (likely on WP) and forgot to buy anything for lunch and little man gets PB&J regardless. If the option is my kid going hungry so your kid doesn’t go into Sunny Jim shock so be it. That’s merely survival of the fittest and who am I to question nature? 😉

    • Oh so you don’t promise him that you’ll go to McDonald’s and bring him a nice happy meal for lunch? How sad that you only love your daughter enough to go out of your way for something ridiculous. Lol.

      Yes though, we’re royally screwing with the survival of the fittest gameplan and propogating recessive genes left and right!! My goodness, we’ll be overrun with freckly faced red heads allergic to everything from peanuts to grass in no time!

  9. rebecca2000 says:

    My kid’s preschool were crazy about anything with nuts. I used to send cream cheese sandwiches when I didn’t know what to give them. The allergy thing is out of control. If you look at studies of such things as Potternger’s Cats, it really is a sad condition for our kids futures. I do try to be careful how much junk, nitrates, powdered crap I serve my kids.

  10. I think most allergies come from our kids being fed a bunch of processed crap. What happened to the good old days of school lunches when stuff was made crap from scratch?? You can’t even call the lunch ladies “cooks” anymore! They should be called “heater-uppers of processed crap”!!

  11. sassypanties says:

    Is it weird that, while I read the entire post, the only thing I came away with was – HOW FUCKING AWESOME IT WAS WHEN WE PLAYED “HEADS UP 7-UP” IN 4th GRADE?!??!?!?! Holy shitballs, those were the days, huh?

  12. momonfire says:

    I am allergic to bullshit and stupidity, and those two things are thrust upon me everyday. No special accommodations are made for me. boo hoo

  13. Roxie the Outlaw says:

    Effing peanuts.

  14. my gay mom says:

    I have a friend who claims he’s allergic to garlic. He’s not. Every dinner party I tell him I made his separate, but I didn’t. I’m a dick, but it’s too funny to watch him say how good he feels after the meal. He goes on and on about how grateful he is that I made his without garlic.

    • Ha, you’re not a dick. A dick would tell him to quit being a pussy and just eat what the host made or not invite him in the first placel. You’re making him feel special because you’re a wonderful friend.

  15. The Cutter says:

    So you’re advocating genetic screening for nerdiness?

  16. Bah! This peanut thing always ticked me off since my kid has been in school. I made the mistake, in the earlier years, of making him a PB&J, and then finding out that this whole lunch was thrown out (because I guess the Peanut Butter infected his fruit snacks and grapes as well) and he starved the whole day. I was also told not to bring any peanut items in lunches or snacks. I turned around and told them if they wanted to get sued because they were starving my child and didn’t even offer The Boy an alternative meal.

    That school is on my shit list and I wish it to burn into the 7th level of hell and the ironic thing….it was a private Christian school. Yeah, a Christian school run by the Devil! (I had many problems with that school that ended up all piling up until a great grand finale blow out happened when he was in the 1st grade. Maybe I’ll blog about it sometimes).

    Anyway, his current public school does restrict peanuts in lunches and I’m fine with that. But I have never heard of, nor seen a “Peanut table”. They just get their food thrown out around here if there is any peanuts detected.

  17. ttoombs08 says:

    I traced the lineage of basement dwellers and found that they come from a race of beings called “trolls” and before humans began to build fabulous caves called basements, these creatures inhabited something called “beneath the bridge.” I wonder if they steal eat babies and ignorant virgins…

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