Last post this year, I promise!
I’ve long stopped kidding myself into believing that I have the wherewithal to stick to resolutions made in good faith at the beginning of each new year. Certainly were I able to do so, I’d not have this second chin resting on my tie knot right now.
While I may not stick to my resolutions, I still like to make them so that I have goals to shoot for or so that I can berate myself for failing yet again. Self-loathing and mockery can be healthy. If you can’t call yourself a worthless piece of shit, then you shouldn’t be calling others names either.
With that, I resolve, right here on the internet, to keep my second chin from spawning a third chin by shoving less cream cheese and beer carbs into my gullet. I also resolve to continue to point out stupidity, oftentimes in my own life, right here on this blog that three people read from time to time. That’s ok though, the writing is for me, not you!
Though my resolutions won’t change the world, as a way to help make the world a better place, here are some resolutions and/or actions that you should try to help make you less of a total douchebag.
- Get a fucking job, people! It’s funny that Cousin Eddie has held out for a management position for years and years, but it’s not so funny in real life. This isn’t for hard working folks who’ve lost their jobs. That sucks. I’m sick and tired of watching my tax dollars wasted on lowlifes who don’t work because they’re lazy. There are healthy teenagers right here in the City who get “crazy checks”. What the fuck is a crazy check? There are no jobs so menial that you can’t do it and do it proudly. How a person can sit on a couch all day and do nothing for more than a couple of days is mystifying to me.
- Hey fat, ugly, nasty people, become less fat and ugly! There’s nothing worse in the world that a fat, ugly human being who has a terrible personality (i.e. is mean!). Look, if you’re a horrible person, at least make it easier for me to tolerate your existence by looking decent. Nice looking people get more slack in life, so it’ll benefit you to get off your rascal and start losing some weight. If you’re like me and know that you won’t be able to stick to a weight loss resolution, then change your personality. Be nicer to assholes around you like I am and you’ll be more enjoyable to have around.
- Use your blinkers. Uh, those aren’t options on vehicles people; they all have them for a reason. I’m less likely to pull my pistol out and shoot your tires if you’ve used your blinker before cutting me off. The signal gives me a head’s up to secure my beverage and tell my unbuckled toddlers to hang on, daddy’s gonna have to brake real fast!
- Hey sexy man, sweatpants are for working out in your basement and should never be worn in public. Not even to go get your mail.
- Hey sexy lady, spandex are for that woman over there who just finished running 13 miles because she felt bad for having six shreds of cheese on the salad she ate for lunch, not you. Just because they make them in your size doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Some people have weak stomachs you know. And Jesus Christ, if you’re going to subject us to it, lose the panty lines. Even I know that.
- If your kids are dickheads, it’s probably because you’re a dickhead too. Even if you can’t change your ways, make your kids act like they’re civilized. You’re the parent; it’s your job. It can be done, but you’ll have to turn the volume down on the tv set for a minute to talk to them about working hard in school and not being a fucking bully towards kids who are smaller or different than they are. It’s difficult to accept that your kid probably won’t grow up to play a professional sport, I know, so maybe convince them to learn to read and be kind towards others just in case they’ll need those skills one day.
- Drink more water. I just read this is good for you and it sounds easy enough to commit to, so I think I’ll add this one to my list too.
- If you can’t afford to tip 18% at a restaurant, then you can’t afford to eat at that restaurant. Tipping really isn’t optional, douchebag. Your server is making $3 an hour plus tips. If she doesn’t get the plus tips part, then she can’t feed her children. This means you skinny black guy with disgusting fat Asian girlfriend whose ass crack is always showing and who always comes to eat at a certain restaurant stoned out of their minds and pays the entire bill with coins. Really? Your bill is $17 tops and you pay in nickels? I hate you both. If the service is that shitty, then tell the server’s manager that he or she sucked, but you still need to leave 15% just to be the better person. Waiting isn’t necessarily as easy as you think it is, if you’ve never done it. We all have off days. If you tip a server who knows they sucked, then they’ll feel worse for having sucked than if you leave them nothing and validate her shitty service. Does that even make sense?
- Drinking is fun. Happy hours are fun. Go to more happy hours and have more fun! But don’t get drunk and drive home, that’s not fun.
- If you’re playing Words With Friends, don’t take six days between plays! I probably had a sweet next play planned, but completely forget about it after too many hours have passed. If you’re my friend, then it’s not like you’re doing anything better with your life.
- The little white man on the electric signal means you can safely cross the street. If you’re walking across the street with the orange hand showing or not at a signal at all, I’m not slowing my car down so you’d better hurry across. I mean it!
- When somebody is crossing with the little white man as their guide, you have to yield asshole. I’m sure you’re driving someplace important, but you can wait four seconds for the pedestrian to do his thing properly.
- Hold the door open for others, especially women, children and the elderly. My dad would slap my head if he caught me not doing so. He’s nearly elderly himself and still does it. Shame on your parents for not making you do this. My nine year old daughter does it without being told for God’s sake.
- Hey asshole, that nine year old girl just held the door open so you could walk into the building without having to exert any effort. Remove your cell phone from your fucking head and tell her thank you! We yell “You’re Welcome” at people who don’t thank us for holding doors for them too…try that, it’s fun.
- Chew with your mouth closed you disgusting fuck.
- No loud burping in public, that’s also disgusting. You’re not seven years old.
- Say “bless you” when somebody sneezes.
- Smile at strangers. If they smile back, then you’ve probably made them happy. If they don’t then tell them “well fuck you too.” You tried.
- At least once next year, give some time or money to a charity. $5 even. You’ll feel better and really not have had to do anything except maybe bypass one big mac meal you were going to use the money to buy.
- When you see a police officer at the convenience store, take a second to tell him or her thanks for doing what you do. Even if you don’t mean it, you’ll make them feel better about doing their thankless jobs and maybe even cause them to do it better the rest of that day at the very least. Don’t be jealous if the clerk doesn’t charge them for their cup of coffee. You have to pay because you’re not going to be the one who comes running when some bozo high on PCP tries to rob the place at gunpoint later that night.
- Turn your cell phone off in the movie theater. Jesus, that they even have to remind you is sad. You’re not the CEO of a fortune 500 company. You can be untethered from your phone for 90 minutes.
- Play with your kids. I’m guilty of not playing with mine more than I do. I guess I’ll try harder to do this next year too. I remember playing with my old man, and your kids will recollect these times fondly later in life too.
- Try to have a sense of humor. Life is too short to be such a stick in the mud all of the time. Quit being such a baby and laugh at yourself. If not yourself, laugh at that guy over there wiping fried chicken grease onto his gray sweatpants because he’s too fat or lazy to bend over to get the napkin he dropped on the floor.
- Worry less about what other people think about you. Who cares? I haul my family around in a minivan for God’s sake. I have no more pride. Look, I like people to like me, but they have to like me for who I am, cursing, drinking and all. Not everyone will like you; just deal with it. I have a three year old who doesn’t understand this yet. It’s hard to explain to a three year old that some kids are just dickheads because their parents are dickheads and that he should spend his preschool time around kids who do like him instead of trying to get that little M-hole who doesn’t like him to play with him.
- Read at least one book this year. That way you can say you’ve read a book this year. If you’re a man, have your wife read that Fifty Shades crap. I’m not sure what it’s about, but trust me, you’ll be glad she read it!
- Don’t be an asshole at the ballgame. I don’t know when it became ok to yell profanities and spill beer all over the people in front of you, but it’s not ok to yell profanities and spill beer all over the people in front of you. It’ just a game asshole and you’re embarrassing yourself in front of your kids while ruining the experience for other people and their kids. We didn’t pay $100 plus dollars to watch you make a spectacle of yourself. If you can’t handle your alcohol without being an asshole, then stay home or drink after the game. You’re a loser and next time, when I don’t have my kids, I may drag you out of the stadium in front of your kids myself and beat your ass.
- Go to the zoo! If you’re near St. Louis, we have the best zoo in the country as far as I’m concerned. It’s freakin’ free! Teach your kids about the animals as you’re walking through exhibits. The information is right there, you only need to read it to them. They’ll be fascinated and think your dumb ass is smarter than it really is.
That’s a pretty good start to make you a more tolerable person. Of course, it’s only my opinion and not exhaustive of all the fine things you can do to help make this world a better place. Try to use your peanut sized brain for something other than as an alcohol sponge. Believe it or not, I try to do so sometimes.
As 2012 was a presidential election year, we got to see our ugly sides exposed. There was much hatred spewed about the left and the right and good versus evil. Some people unfriended their friends because of their political differences. That’s just stupid. If you like a person you can’t decide that you dislike them suddenly because you learned that they feel as though gay people should be treated the same as other human beings while you still find it appalling that they ever let women out of the house to work or vote.
At the end of the day, who gives a fuck? I live in the same house with people I don’t always agree with and it works out just fine. Cdawg thinks Spiderman is the greatest superhero ever. We all know that’s stupid and that Superman would kick Spiderman’s ass anytime, but I still love Cdawg in spite of his misguided opinion. I let him love Spidey and I don’t try to force him to think that Superman is the best.
If talking about certain things gets you so riled up that you become enraged at people who disagree with you, then don’t fucking talk about those things with non like-minded people, or maybe it’s you who needs to step back and take a look in the mirror. I generally hate the actions of others, but not the person. While I’m not naive enough to believe there aren’t evil people in the world…..there really are, I know that most folks would do right when given the chance. Don’t be such a tightass with your ideals. Maybe have an open mind and try to find some middle ground with a friend you disagree with instead of just shutting them out of your life because you’re an opinionated asshole.
I’m a political waffler so I don’t have this problem. I can change my opinion from one day to the next. That’s probably aggravating to a lot of folks, but tough shit. I can be swayed with a lucid, logical, intelligent argument. If you can’t even listen to the argument then I think you’re more of a crybaby prick than I am an indecisive pantywaist.
Play nice with others in 2013. I probably won’t, but you should. It’ll make you a happier person.
Happy New Year, my three readers!! If you have any thoughts about how I can be a better person, or just to tell me how much you’d like to punch me in the face, feel free to let me know via comment below!