Jane from Omaha, your lasagna sucks and you’re an unhelpful dumbass!

As I am the bitch of the house, cooking is one of my duties. I don’t mind doing it, but I suck at not following a recipe. I like the explicit ingredient list followed by the comforting instructions that I assume were written by somebody who knows what they’re talking about and has made the recipe many times before.

This pisses my wife off at times, because when I’m missing even a single little ingredient, she has to stop at the store on her way home from work to bring it to me. She seems to think you can substitute ingredients, but I say NAY NAY to that!

I understand that we all have different tastes, some better than others. I am no snobby gourmet, but there are people in the world who eat at the Olive Garden on purpose and think it’s wonderful. I’m not one of those folks either! Those people have no class or taste and their recipes are to be avoided. When you have terrible food and service, you give the people all they can eat of something so they don’t care about the terrible food and service!

I’ve had more luck with recipes that have both good ratings and lots of reviews. When hundreds of people have reviewed it, it’s generally a good sign that the recipe is pretty ok.

One of the things I’ve noticed about reviewers that drives me bonkers though is that there are fucktards who give the recipe 4 or 5 stars and then explain how they’ve substituted 98% of the ingredients for something else and then cooked it a completely different way than the original recipe said to do it! That’s not the same recipe, asshole!

I understand that some people are diabetic or whatever and need to substitute an ingredient or two for something similar in taste, or that some people are health conscious (God I hate you people) and insist on using low fat whatever in their dishes instead of what tastes good so that they’ll live to be 85 instead of only 83. Those two years crapping your adult diaper in a nursing home are surely worth a lifetime of depriving yourself of delicious food!

Those people are fine. It’s people who go overboard that I want to kick in the vagina.

For example, were I wanting to cook my family a nice lasagna and checked the reviews of a lasagna recipe for suggestions, it would not surprise me one bit to find that Jane from Omaha, Nebraska has written the following:

My family and I just love love love this lasagna recipe! We live in the middle of nowhere, so we can’t get our hands on ricotta cheese (even though Jane apparently has internet

Hey Jane from Omaha, your kids are cute but stupid!

Hey Jane from Omaha, your kids are cute but stupid!

access?) or some of the other ingredients, so I made some substitutions. I was all out of Italian sausage, so I doubled the beef. My family likes the meat not to be all crumbled up, so I packed the meat into patties and used American cheese in place of the exotic cheeses I couldn’t find at the Wally’s IGA up the street. I realized that I was also out of lasagna noodles and sauce, so I used ketchup and bread because carbs are carbs, right? We like our buns room temperature, so I added those at the last minute. So I took the meat and cheese and cooked it for 30 minutes and then added more cheese after cooking. I didn’t have parsley to put on the lasagna, so I used lettuce instead. I put the patties between the buns to complete the lasagna and served it with french fries. It was delicious. Thanks for sharing this lasagna recipe!

No, thank you, Jane, for being an unhelpful dumbass and wasting 4 minutes of my life!

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10 Responses to Jane from Omaha, your lasagna sucks and you’re an unhelpful dumbass!

  1. ghouda says:

    Its like my ravioli recipe, but I subsitute it with turkey dogs, buns and ketchup. Bon appetite!

  2. qwertygirl says:

    The other annoying thing is when they remark that they added some salt to “make it [my] own.” Oh yes, salt is a hugely transforming ingredient. I’m quite sure I wouldn’t be able to tell your version from the original with that additional 1/2 teaspoon of salt you added to it. So they either change every damned thing to the point where it’s not even the same dish, or they make the tiniest modification and declare it transformed into something new and revolutionary. Morons.

  3. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! That is hilarious!! This is just too funny Don… I cannot believe that ENTIRE description of her review! And yeah- what is the use of living an extra few years soiling your diapers and staring at Jeopardy all day?

    I’ll have cake and I’ll like it. Oh, and bacon. And actually anything that tastes good. Live and let die.

    LOVE IT!!! Glad you re-posted it. Well worth the rerun!!!

  4. firebailey says:

    This was freaking hysterical and completely made my day. Now I’m going to make burgers, I mean lasagna for dinner.

  5. But, Don, I LOVE Jane’s lasagna, especially from Five Guys. They make the best lasagna ever.

  6. vickilesage says:

    Laughed my ass off first time through, then read it out loud to my husband and couldn’t even get through it all because I was laughing too hard. Either you’re hilarious or I’m slappy-happy after a long week of work. Let’s go with you’re hilarious because that makes us both look better.

  7. I loved this. You nailed it perfectly, though I would add one other type of dumb ass reviewer. The one person who hates a recipe because they fucked it up and it is the recipe’s fault. “I made this recipe, and I don’t know how the 469 other reviewers got it to turn out correctly. It was horrible. It was food garbage so bad that it had teenage turtles in it doing karate. This recipe sucks!”

  8. I used to be JUST like you with substitutions. Wouldn’t, couldn’t, didn’t. Then I got halfway through a recipe and I didn’t have the thing I needed and there was no way to get it in time. And my appreciation for substitutions was born.

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