Useful stuff you need to know to be a grown up…

With school funding being cut and parents becoming bigger douchebags about accepting the fact that their little Jimmy or Suzy is a fucking idiot and didn’t even deserve the C they got, let alone the A that mom and dad are demanding on that last test, it’s a wonder we can get anybody with half a brain to sign on to be a teacher anymore.

Where there are some resources and parents who care about their kids, the system is just fine. My daughter’s public school teachers have been fan-FREAKIN- tastic! We knew her first grade private school teacher was a dingledick, but we didn’t realize she was a TOTAL dingledick until Ace switched to the public school in second grade. The difference was astonishing. Great teachers make all the difference!

I had some great teachers growing up myself, but there were a lot of lessons I was never taught that had nothing to do with teachers. There are some things that I feel everybody should learn at some point before venturing out of their mom and dad’s basement to begin life on their own. Parents, you have the responsibility of making sure you don’t send a useless dolt out into the world because you didn’t teach him or her how to be a real grown up.

Most of this is aimed at men, but much of it is for the ladies too. It wouldn’t kill a gal to be able to rotate her man’s tires for God’s sake.

In no particular order, here are some things that young people should be learning:

  • Some sort of shop class – I graduated college with a double major, but if my future employment had been based on being able to chose which of the below items was the mitre saw, I’d still be making change for crackheads buying Slurpees and Slim Jim’s at 7-11.

mitre sawscrewdriver

Except for VERY minor tasks around the house, I am completely at the mercy of people who know how to use tools properly. While I’m not completely inept, I certainly don’t trust myself to take on any sort of electrical work around my own house, or plumbing, or carpentry or drywall repair or anything that can’t be done with a hammer or the above tool shown on the right…the turny thingy. Kids should be learning how to tend to minor problems around the house like what to do if the toilet is running or they should at least know that those filters in the furnace need to be changed more than once every five years.

  • You don’t have a job so you probably shouldn’t have a credit card – Shame on college campuses for allowing the credit card companies to litter campuses with credit card applications for every unemployed, starving, thirsty for booze 18 year old to get their hands on. And they APPROVE these applications! My first card was a Discover Card (still have it!) with a $1000 credit limit! Are you freaking kidding me? That was a lot of jack at my disposal. Having credit meant no more tossing around sofa cushions to find enough loose change to be able to go chug domestic draft beer at Ron’s Lounge for $4.50 a pitcher. Ron’s didn’t have one of them thar credit card takin’ deevices. Nope, having credit meant I was pissing in the tall grass at Applebee’s, sucking down bloody marys and glasses of fancier, nondomestic draft beer that were just as expensive as my entire pitcher of beer at Ron’s!

Go ahead and use me, you can always pay later!

  • Balancing a checkbook and budgeting what little money you have – This can be taught along with the credit cards will ruin your life, if you’re not careful course. Little Johnny needs to learn that if he has a $50 a week allowance, then he probably shouldn’t be spending $150 a week on designer jeans made to look worn, online porn and shots of Jaegermeister. Learning to balance a budget will come in handy when little Johnny is an adult with a family trying to calculate the cost benefit and feasibility of leaving his wife, Little Suzy, because she never learned the value of not abusing credit cards and is putting the family in the poor house. Johnny and Suzy should know how to balance a checkbook long before they open their accounts at the bank and say “what’s that?” when the bank employee hands them a ledger along with their book of beginner checks.
  • Pleasing that boyfriend of yours – This is probably going to have to be a college class since I have a daughter and am staunchly anti-sex before marriage and even then only to procreate. Still, some college kids will no doubt find themselves butt ass naked in the sack with some stranger at some point or another, wondering what in the hell the other person expects them to do in order to get the whole ordeal over with so they can pass out in time to make their poorly scheduled 8am Zoology 101 class in the morning. If you’re a woman, just take off your shirt and bra and jump up and down a little. He’s a 20 year old boy for God’s sake, he’ll jizz all over himself and your work is done. If he’s not that hammered, you may have to touch his pecker. Go ahead, just touch it…he’s done now, right? That sticky crap comes off with soap and water, so just go wash your hands and make him cuddle with you so he’ll not want you to do that again for days.
  • Where’s the clitoris? –This class is for you college men who think pleasing your woman entails jamming two fingers into your lady friend’s peehole and working the old fashioned saw the log motion on her until she tells you it hurts, please stop. You have to find something called the clitoris to please her. Here’s what it is –


[klit-er-is, klahy-ter-, kli-tawr-is, -tohr-]

noun Anatomy .

the erectile organ of the vulva, homologous to the penis of the male.

Now, you have to take the class to figure out what the fuck vulva and homologous to the penis means.

Figuring out what it is is only 32% of the battle. Next you have to find where it is. I’d do you a solid and tell you where it is, but I don’t have a goddam clue! I’m certain that it’s in a different spot with every woman. I think I dated a gal whose clitoris was in her ear and another whose was between her shoulder blades. It’s totally random. I’m still looking for my wife’s and I’ve loved her for 17 years now. It moves every time she has a baby or something. If you’re pleasuring your lady and she’s till reading her magazine or texting her mother, you’ve probably not found it yet. When she starts talking about God or dropping the F bomb, you’re in the right area, buddy! Good luck!
  • Learn to work on your car – Maybe related to shop class, but maybe not. Everyone should be able to do minimal maintenance on an automobile, from changing oil to rotating tires to replacing brake pads. Save yourself some money and earn cool points from your friends and potential mates by learning some basic car repair skills! The class should include what sorts of cars to avoid as well, like my 2004 Chevy Venture minivan. The Venture requires 14 different things be taken out of the engine just to reach the fucking battery. It’s a real tribute to American automotive ingenuity. Nice work Chevy engineers…pricks! While you’re at it, do the extra credit and learn to drive a stick. If you’re a grown man and you can’t drive a stick, you’re a little bit of a pussy.
  • CPR – Why are we not teaching our young adults what to do in an emergency?? They cause more accidents in this country than anybody else, don’t they? The least they can do is know how to minimize some of the damage done during one their Jackass mimicking stunts by tending to a sucking chest wound or knowing where to cut the cord when their bastard child is born in the back seat of mom’s minivan. While they’re cutting umbilical cords, teach them it is not ok to put the baby in an alley dumpster! Please make sure your promiscuous angel knows where they can take unwanted babies should they find themselves with one. Seriously.
  • Old Fashioned 101- Drinking Jaeger bombs and buttery nipples like the rest of your buttfucking fraternity brothers makes you just another douche. Don’t be a douche! Learn how to drink something cool like scotch on the rocks or an Old Fashioned. It’ll take the whole semester to acquire a taste for it, so don’t skip any classes.
  • Home Appliances Usage – I have grown man friends who have no idea how to operate a washing machine or dishwasher. This is incredible to me. I understand that your mother may have done your laundry for you until you turned 30, but surely you watched her push the buttons, right? Men and women both should be learning how to use the things that will come in a new house when they finally live on their own.
  • Outdoorsy crap – A mom or dad should be able to teach their kids how to hook a fishing pole or put up a tent without impaling themselves. Along with this, boys and girls should know how to start a fire and make sure the fire they finally get started doesn’t spread to the nearest city and burn it down to the ground. It’d also be nice to know what things in the woods can be eaten and what will kill you or make your genitals itch really badly. You’ll need this stuff after the Apocalypse.
  • Cooking – I fancy myself an adequate cook and learned everything I know by watching Foodnetwork every now and then and being able to follow a recipe. Not that difficult, but some folks can’t seem to figure it out. If the wife’s not home, your dumb ass shouldn’t be ordering pizza or feeding the kids Kit Kats and Cheetos for five straight nights.
  • Throwing a punch without looking like a bitch – Ever see professional basketball players throw punches at each other? These are incredible athletes and they look like little girls having a fucking tickle fight because they all have posses and never learned to fight for themselves. Learn how to throw a punch, protect your face or better yet, talk your way out of a sticky spot that your mouth got you into.
  • Swim – I’m astonished at how many grown ups don’t know how to swim. I don’t mean swimming a breaststroke, I mean people who can’t even keep their asses from sinking straight to the bottom of a water hole they’re so incompetent in the water! Learn to swim before you embarrass yourself by dying in four feet of water.
  • Geography – No lady is going to be impressed with your lies about eating fresh pasta in Naples, if you’re pointing at Australia on the map while telling the story. Italy is the one that looks like a boot, asshole. Learn where places outside of your shithole hometown are so you can fake being cultured and maybe get a date.
  • Eat with chopsticks – No. you know what? Eating with two sticks is fucking stupid. Use a fork like God intended.
  • Parallel parking – If you’re going to drive in an urban area, you’ll be doing yourself a favor and opening the number of available parking spots to yourself immensely, if you can put a 20′ car in a 30′ opening. It’s not that hard and it’s part of the fucking driving test. You’re supposed to know how to do this anyway, if you have a valid license. If you have a uterus, pass on even trying this, you’re exempt.
  • Gambling – I very much dislike having to turn down any occasion that involves drinking, but when the event is poker, I have to politely decline. I have no clue how to play and it’s one of my greatest shames. What beats what again? What the fruck is a frush?? Yeah, that’s me and it blows. Don’t let that be you too.
  • Ironing – When I was in the police academy I was a single man. They gave us two shirts to wear for 5 days a week of classes. That’s not enough time to have shirts dry cleaned, so in order to look nice, you needed to iron your shirts yourself. I don’t iron. The ex marine next to me in line at inspection was good at ironing. While I was berated for smelling like a brewery in my wrinkled ass shirt every morning, Sanchez was high fived for looking all crisp and polished. Well, 14 years later, Sanchez is no where to be found. Apparently, being good at ironing doesn’t equate to being good at police officering. Still, it’s a handy skill to have.
  • Eat out properly – Look, if you don’t have money to tip 20%, then go to Wendy’s and pass on the places where a waitress has to serve your cheap ass in order to make a living.

Holy crap, look at all the stuff that you should be learning! My wife just asked me if I’m writing a book, so I’ll take that as a cue that this post has gone on too long… I’m much too beat to continue writing any more anyhow, and I’m sure that, other than my wife and mother, nobody else is reading this anymore anyways. But quickly, here’s a list of other stuff to learn as well.

  • to tie a tie
  • a foreign language
  • sew/hem your pants
  • speak in public
  • clean up a stain properly
  • drive in the snow
  • accept and give compliments
  • home security techniques
  • play chess
  • tell a joke
  • hold and change a newborn baby
  • identify and pick out produce
  • dress all by yourself
  • make a kid laugh

I’m sure there’s a whole ton of other stuff…whatcha think?

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21 Responses to Useful stuff you need to know to be a grown up…

  1. rebecca2000 says:

    Well… finding the clitoris and eating out… go hand in hand.

  2. Mary Pat McInnis says:

    You are so funny, and I LOVE reading your blog. Your musings on life are insightful, sentimental and hilarious all at the same time. You have a true gift – I actually think the blog will make a great book someday. I just have to say, however, that I think whether a teacher is good or bad, does not depend on whether you are enrolled in a private/parochial school or a public school. Rather, it completely depends on the teacher. I have been extremely fortunate to have fantastic teachers teach my daughter in our parochial school. We are now part of the new Holy Cross Academy and she is in the middle school – a concept that the Catholic school system here is just beginning to embrace – and I honestly could not be more pleased with the education she is receiving, it is rigorous and challenging, yet still faith based. And, my sister, who teaches at St. Clement, is probably one of the most devoted teachers out there. You would not have thought she was a dolt if Ace had her as a third grade teacher, I promise you! Sorry for my rant! I know it is probably not appropriate to say this on your blog, but I just felt compelled. Thanks and keep writing!

    • donofalltrades says:

      Thanks Mary Pat, it’s nice to hear that kind, intelligent people sometimes stumble onto my blog and sort of enjoy it. I always worry that it’s only my family, some of my friends and teenage degenerates reading this crap. Ace had a bad teacher in the the first grade and it was her, not the school for sure. We would gladly send the kids to Catholic School if our public schools weren’t so great. We may still do so with the boys, who knows?

  3. susan murphy says:

    Great article Don. I will never learn how to play chess, but can use power tools and change the oil in a car.

    • donofalltrades says:

      You’re never too old to learn, Susan! I’ll learn poker, if you learn chess! I can’t play either. We can drink while we learn!

  4. cookie1986 says:

    You are so smart. You should also include learning how to hold a door for a woman. I’m a fucking lady, after all.
    Great post.

  5. Jen Strada says:

    Preach on, Dontrell. But I can parallel park, Sir!

  6. Jen Fitz says:

    Jen Strada sent me and now I’m addicted to this craziness. lol So do I really have to touch a pecker? ha

  7. Loved the post, as always! Keep up the great work!

  8. donofalltrades says:

    Thanks, Hil! Glad to hear this from you.

  9. Learning the hard way says:

    Here’s one, or maybe it’s just me…I am at war with the travelator – or more specifically the unevolved creatures that use them to heft their bulk from one level to another in the many Mc-Shopping centres peppering the outer suburbs of Melbourne. Far from accelerating the pace of we busy, late or simply energetic superior life forms, these conveyer belts for the masses merely convert their usual dilatory gait to a glacial crawl. Implorations to be allowed through the polar fleece and flannel are often met with obtuse immovability and the occasional stream of profanity. Stand on one side, walk on the other – could it BE any more simple? thanks…feel better now…

    • Ha! That’s a lot of fancy words there, ma’am, but I think I get what you’re venting about! The courtesy on such contraptions in airports isn’t the same as it is in the malls. Plus, here in the USA, the contraptions often carry folks right above the food court where 8 seconds of eye contact with Cinnabon or Orange Julius is more than their fat asses can bear and a stampede invariably results! Tragic…

  10. Pingback: Because I care – a few things you 15 year old girls should do to be awesome. | don of all trades

  11. Pingback: 100 posts ‘n stuff… | don of all trades

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