What to write, oh, what to write, 1400 words about nothing…

Well it’s a Friday and I’m at home with another sick kid. It’s my turn.

Days off used to be so meaningful and fun, now we have to reserve them for such things as sick children or snow days or any number of other things that involves us being at home, surrounded by kids and working harder than we would were we actually at work.

Oh well to those sour grapes; I was the one who dipped my wick as my old boss liked to say. Ha, hey wife, I guess that makes your vajayjay the candle wa…oh, never mind. Wife doesn’t particularly care for me talking about her netheryayyay (ha, thank you Amy Farrah Fowler) so I’ll stop while I’m still sort of ahead. It’s ok, wife! Your mom and godmother know you have a vagina!!! Well fuck, so much for being ahead…

It’s as good a day as any to write a blog post, right? Ok then…so what to write about?

Cdawg is sick, but that’s not very interesting. See how uninteresting he’s being?

No, not interesting at all today...

No, not interesting at all today…

Sadly, this photo showed his entire body but he’s wearing underpants. Even though you couldn’t see anything but a set of scrawny legs, it crossed my mind that some pervert out in the world of the internet would manage to find something prurient about the original picture so I cropped his lower body out. How sad and sick is that? Prurient is classic first amendment legalese…it’s a real word, look it up. See, assuming you didn’t know what prurient meant, you’ve learned something new today, if you hadn’t already. You’re welcome! And if you did know what it meant and you’re not an attorney, what’s up with that?

Too bad Cdawg is sick, because we like to have fun together on my off days. We do stuff like get oil changes at Walmart and after it’s been over two hours and the oil still hasn’t been changed and daddy is getting pissed off, he let’s his boy do stupid shit like take batting practice in the automotive section so they’ll hurry it the fuck up just to get us out of the place.

Awe yeah, that one's all the way into electronics!

Awe yeah, that one’s all the way into electronics!

So let’s see…Cdawg isn’t doing it for me either…hmmmm, inspiration to write….looking right I have this guy, but he’s really already had a nice run of attention on this blog, what with eating sex jelly and causing me to spend another day off in emergency rooms most of the day. No, G$ is not inspiring me today either.

I'm all up in your business, asshole!  I mean daddy!

I’m all up in your business, asshole! I mean daddy!

So, let’s see…looking left, I have the dog’s cold, wet schnoz all up in my face. What the fuck do you want?!!! No, this won’t do either. Jojo has inspired me to get off my ass and make a cup of coffee while I let her out to pee, so that’s something.

I'm all up in your business too, asshole.  Yeah, I meant asshole.

I’m all up in your business too, asshole. Yeah, I meant asshole.

Now we can write…let’s see. Oh, look at this! My toenails are atrocious and desperately need to be trimmed. Who’s up for a good post about toenails? Nobody? Well, alrighty then!

They smell even worse than they look.

They smell even worse than they look.

My life is clearly not giving me any material today, so let’s turn to the news as I’ve seen other bloggers do. Oh, here we go!

This guy is a minority citizen whose people have had to struggle in so many ways to gain any sort of traction towards getting a foothold into equal treatment in American society, yes, even in professional sports. Yet on the biggest stage of his football life, he decided that it’d be a neat idea to share his anti-gay sentiments with a radio host or somebody like that who was kind enough to make his words public. As is the MO of every “famous” person who puts his foot in his mouth, an apology was issued.

Nice pink headband, homo.

Nice pink headband, homo.

Here’s part of what he said to get into hot water – “We ain’t got no gay people on the team,” Culliver told Lange. “They gotta get up out here if they do. Can’t be with that sweet stuff. … Nah, can’t be … in the locker room, man.”

Here’s part (maybe this is the whole thing) of his apology – “The derogatory comments I made yesterday were a reflection of thoughts in my head, but they are not how I feel,” Culliver said in a statement released by the team. “It has taken me seeing them in print to realize that they are hurtful and ugly. Those discriminating feelings are truly not in my heart. Further, I apologize to those who I have hurt and offended, and I pledge to learn and grow from this experience.”

Do those statements sound like they came from the same human being? Maybe he’s a better writer than speaker, but I’m guessing derogatory isn’t in his usual repertoire of words.

My guess is his agent said, “uh, hey asshole, YOU WORK IN SAN FRANCISCO! *flaming gay guy voice here* HELLLLLLOOOOOO!” Probably not good for business in a gay friendly city to be overtly and notoriously known as anti-gay. Not a lot of local car dealerships gonna want you to be their spokesman.

Whether his statements were made out of ignorance or hate, be a man and either stand by your pathetic beliefs or apologize and explain yourself in plain sight. Let us, no, let the gay community judge your sincerity.

I’ve said too much about this matter. I’m not interested in posting about this either. Somebody smarter and better spoken will write a moving piece about this incident, so I’d rather wait on that.

Oh, I know! I’m anti being a cheap ass in restaurants, as my 3 regular readers know. A St. Louis area Applebee’s was in the news recently when a disgruntled “Pastor” was apparently appalled that she had to leave an 18% tip because she was part of a large party that got good service. Here’s the receipt:

It was easier than writing "I'm a douchebag"

It was easier than writing “I’m a douchebag”

For those who can’t read it, it says “I Give God 10% Why do you Get 18”. First of all, I’m guessing that anybody with $10 and a stamp can get his or her “Pastor” certification allowing them to call themselves a Pastor. Secondly, I doubt this dbag is giving 10% of her own money to God. Fleecing your flock of their tithing and giving 10% of that to God doesn’t count, Pastor Asshole. Thirdly, she gets 18% because she’s the one who was refilling your raspberry flavored tea all through your dinner. Had you waited for God to bring you your fucking riblets, you’d have been hungrier when you left the restaurant than when you entered. I don’t even know this Pastor, but I can picture the type of person she is and I think she’s a complete jackoff.

No, that’s old news anyway, so no need to write about that.

Oh, another group of people who piss me off is white people like this woman.

I'll protect you poor black people!

I’ll protect you poor black people!

Her name is Barbara Lippert and she’s an ad critic or some such bullshit. Presumably, she makes a living nitpicking and bitching about things that are none of her business. What a perfect fucking job for a woman! My God, what could be better, unless there was a job that required her to sit on a couch all day while widening her ass with chocolates and glasses of wine while not cooking or vacuuming.

Anyway, she was annoyed by this commercial which I find semi-funny, mostly stupid, but hardly racist.

Apparently, the people that it should offend, if anyone must be offended, don’t give a shit.


So, if the Jamaicans don’t care, then somebody should tell Ms. Lippert to kindly shut the fuck up on this matter and go find another way to get in the limelight.

That’s not doing it for me either though.

Fuck it, instead of writing a post about anything, just enjoy this Clydesdale commercial. I don’t mind admitting that this stupid horse and horse man made me tear up just a little.

When I worked at Grant’s Farm as a college lad, one of my first year jobs was to empty the trash cans around the place every morning. My favorite stop was at the stables. Dirk, the horse handler, would already be in the middle of bathing and brushing each one of those magnificent bastards. I enjoyed talking horses with Dirk and getting to know some of the horses. While I generally dislike, well, distrust is a better word, horses, Clydesdales are different. They are awesome animals.

Enjoy the commercial. Sorry I got nothin’ to say.

This entry was posted in Humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to What to write, oh, what to write, 1400 words about nothing…

  1. Carman says:

    Donnie, I hope you count me as one of your “three”. Thanks for the laughs. I really enjoy reading your postings. Look forward to them.

  2. Ex bingo Sharon says:

    Thanks for the laughs today 🙂

  3. rebecca2000 says:

    She is pastor cheap ass.

  4. cookie1986 says:

    Way to make the hormonal pregnant chick cry with that horse commercial.
    Goddamn you for exposing my weakness!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s