A few weeks ago while working in the yard (I know, this story sounds made up already,right?) the wife called for me in a semi-frantic tone. Not as frantic as the recent G$ incident, but enough so that I put down whatever I was doing to see what was going on.
When I turned the corner, I saw the wife in the front doorway with G$ in one arm and a bottle of what I noticed to be Astroglide in her opposite hand.
My heart started racing and I’m sure I smiled from ear to ear in anticipation of what I assumed was to come! Of course, I assumed that she was going to toss G$ into a closet or his bed or lock him in the bathroom and daddy was going to be rewarded for something! Was it for doing yard work, maybe?? This was a first time situation, as I’ve never seen Astroglide in the house before and have no clue where it came from. I didn’t care at this moment though.
The moment and my entire physical being quickly became flaccid when she said to me “your son just ate half a bottle of Astroglide.” pffffffffffffffffftt……….wah…wah…wah….
Where the boy found a bottle of Astroglide in our house is a mystery in and of itself. We were given some KY Jelly as a “gift” once from a neighbor who does that couponing thing. I think she had to buy a bunch of boxes of KY Jelly to get a deal on diapers or something, I’m not entirely sure how it works. Anyway, she gave several neighbors sex jelly, among other items because she’s a sweet woman. I think I used ours to lube the bicycles in the garage and fix the squeaky door. We’re not sex jelly people!
So not only did he manage to find the Astroglide, but he somehow manipulated the cap open and decided that it looked yummy, so he lubed his duodenum with our mystery sex jelly.
Wife was concerned that he might get sick from ingesting this crap and I guess we didn’t want to have to call poison control to explain that our one year old swallowed some sex lube and we were wondering if it’s toxic. Uh, hold on sir, I have to call DFS real fast before I answer your question…no thanks!
It dawned on me that surely hookers and sorority women have been ingesting the stuff via oral sex for years, and I’d never heard any warnings against it. The bottle didn’t say anything either. Surely, in this day and age of everybody being a total litigious retard, there’d be a giant warning telling people not to ingest it, if it were that bad for a person to do so.
Huh, that’s true, wife says. I hadn’t thought of oral sex.
No shit, thank you wedding ring and children, I thought to myself.
G$ did not get sick and I kept my thoughts to myself.
Well, crap, until now.