My first job out of college was in Dallas, Texas.
I loaded what little bit of heavy stuff I owned into my piece of shit Mazda pickup truck and drove all night from St. Louis to Irving, Texas, home of the Dallas Cowboys.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know a single soul in Texas back then and Dallas was in the midst of a record setting string of 30 something consecutive days of over 100 degree temperatures.
Holy shit, it was fucking hot!!
I was still young and not quite in the beginning phases of bodily deterioration yet so I managed to haul everything I had loaded into my truck to furnish my place into the apartment by myself. Couches, check. Heavy mother fuckin’ dresser, Check. All that other heavy crap, CHECK!
I was moving into a first floor unit, thankfully, so that was something. It took me several hours and many, many people came and went through that parking lot near my UHAUL without offering to help for one single second. Nice Southern Hospitality, Dallas!
Anyway, after an entire day and night in the oppressive Texas heat, I finished my move and headed my ass over to Kroger’s for some cold beer that I could sit on my couch and get drunk on.
The nice lady who I finally flagged down after I walked around that whole goddam grocery store twice looking for giant beer coolers says “Y’all look hot!”
“Ugh, yeah lady, it’s like 113 degrees outside still and it’s 11 fucking PM!!”
“And who the fuck is Y’all? There’s only one of me here. Are you seeing multiples of me from the heat? I’ve only been in Texas for 10 hours, so I’m not mentally challenged enough to understand Y’all’s language yet, ma’am!”
She looked at me like I was dumbass Yankee and said to follow her to the beer.
She led me a quarter mile or so to the other side of the store again and we stopped in the frozen food section where I was surrounded by tempting push pops, fudge bars, dream pops and banana popsicles (my favorite), but where was the beer?
“There ya go, Y’ a….hun, right there” and she points to about 9 six packs on display between a couple of refrigerated food boxes.
Hmmmmm, there was a six pack of O’Doull’s and Sharp’s, and several other styles of beer that all say NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.
“Um, yeah, I’m sorry, I just got done moving what seemed like 7 tons of my own shit in your disgusting Texas heat all by myself and I need something to give me a buzz so I’ll know when to stop drinking.”
“Oh child, this is a dry area!” says Betty Beerainthappenin’.
Well I didn’t like the sound of that…”What? Where’s the beer, for real?” I asked, hopelessly since I figured I’d be drinking already were it that easy.
“No, you have to leave Irving to get package beer. There’s a Citgo Station not too far away…”
“Oh my freakin’ God!!!!!” Nobody told me this prior to my moving to Texas.
Irving is home of the Cowboys, but sure enough, I couldn’t buy beers at any store and I needed something called a “unicard” to buy it in a bar. It was quite a fucked up situation.
I came from St. Louis, where Budweiser was king. If you didn’t drink in St. Louis, it was assumed you were somehow retarded. You could buy beer at any grocery store and there was a tavern on nearly every corner, in case you needed a beer on your way to the store.
Here in Irving though, I had to drive four miles to a freakin’ Citgo station just outside of town that was
Not being able to buy beer at the store 49 yards from my new front door isn’t funny though. The funny part of this story was that it continued to be hot as balls in Texas. It was always literally 100 degrees at 10pm. WTF??!
My butt likes sun tea. I made sun tea in St. Louis and I was gonna continue to make it in Dallas, so I put my full container of water and tea bags out in the sun on my little back patio before I left for work and didn’t think anything of it.
When I got home the first couple of days, I thought to myself that the tea had really evaporated quite a bit from the heat! I wasn’t used to such oppressive heat, I guess. When I would get home, the jug would be a fourth or a half empty. Sometimes worse.
One day though, I didn’t have to go to work so I left my tea outside as usual and didn’t’ think anything of it.
For whatever reason, my brain told me to look outside and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see one of the goddam Mexican lawn boys who mow the apartment complex grounds, sucking my tea straight from the jug, tea bags and all!”
I opened the screen door and yelled, “Hey, what the fuck are you doing?”
“Kay?” he said, grinning and knowing full well what the fuck I was saying.
“Why the fuck are you drinking my tea?!!” I demanded.
“Gracias,” he said!
Gracias indeed, I thought to myself.