We arrived at the Children’s Hospital Emergency Room at the same time.
He and his partner parked and I pulled up to their left and did the same.
I got out of my car and watched as the officer hurried from his seat and opened the back, driver’s side door.
When the officer grabbed the boy from the back seat of his police Tahoe, I knew almost instantly.
There was a split second though, before instantly I guess, where I didn’t know. For that split second, the officer looked like any dad grabbing his sleeping boy from the car and putting the boy’s head on his shoulder to carry him inside to sleep comfortably in his own bed.
For that split second, it was a sweet moment.
The officer, an around fifty year old white guy, clutched the little boy over his left shoulder gently, but with a clear purpose. The boy was small, a black child with his hair in corn rows and dressed as a typical five or six-year-old dresses.
He reminded me of my own six-year-old son.
The sudden, pained look on the officer’s face and the fact that the boy wasn’t crying or yelling or doing anything other than appearing to be asleep made the split second fantasy fade away fast.
We hurried into the emergency room where we were met by the trauma team and hospital staff. I’m always in awe at how these emergency room doctors and nurses and staff are so able to get to working on a patient so fast.
There was some sliver of hope that the boy would make it, at least that’s what we all wanted to believe.
The truth, and I think we all knew it, was that this boy would never fall asleep in his own bed again. When the officer laid the boy down on the gurney and stood back upright, any wind that may have been in my sails quickly faded to nothing.
His shirt said it all.
Where the boy’s little heart had laid so close to the officer’s own heart, was a mess that told us things would not end well.
The three of us officers, with nearly fifty years of city police experience under our collective belts, waited not so stoically outside of trauma room two as the doctors and nurses busted their tails to save this little guy.
We paced and exchanged awkward smiles with each other and the nurses and staff who were passing by. There were several times when one or all of us was close to tears, but we held it together.
It was hard for the officer, because he did the best he could and it wasn’t going to be enough. It was hard for me, because I have a son about that age at home and couldn’t imagine anything like this happening to him.
It was awkward because we were all hoping, but we also knew that it was going to take a miracle for that boy to live.
He was not granted that miracle.
Just like that, at a couple of minutes after 8pm, a five-year old boy was gone forever.
The sheet of paper, which I’ve seen way to many times, verified it. It’s the one with a line printed on it. When it’s completely straight, you’ve died. You’ve straight-lined, as they say.
I was done with being in the hospital. I wanted to leave.
To go back to my car, I had to walk past the same group of people who were in the waiting room when we walked past them earlier with the dying boy. Three little boys grabbed at me and asked me if that boy we carried in earlier was dead.
“Did he die, officer? Was that boy dead?” They asked me.
I got no help from their mom, as she was tending to a clearly sick kid of her own.
“Boys, he’s fine. He’s a strong boy, just like you guys.”
I felt bad lying, but it seemed easier than having to explain death to three strange kids all under ten years old.
I went to my car and grabbed a bunch of Dum-Dums from the bag I carry around. Mom was cool with me giving them suckers, and they left me alone about the dead boy they still thought was alive.
I couldn’t tell them that the boy who was about their same age had straight-lined.
Five-year olds shouldn’t straight line.
Why did this one?
Because of gun violence in the city.
The weather was nice so the people were out.
Some people were out with their guns.
Why did this boy have to die?
Was it disrespect?
Drugs?
A woman?
Money?
All stupid reasons to fire a gun anywhere near another human being, let alone children, but here we are again, with another child lost to violence.
We tried to save this boy.
The officer showed up and there was a hostile crowd of people, most of whom had nothing to do with the shooting, and most not even sure what they should be angry at. The were just angry because anger is easy. Patience is hard. Kindness in the face of adversity is hard. Understanding is hard.
Some chose to be angry at the police while others were taking video on their phone. Meanwhile, nobody was helping a child as he lay dying on the sidewalk from a bullet that had torn through his little body.
The officer fought through the angry crowd and put a dying boy he didn’t know in his car.
Did he have to do that?
No.
EMS was coming, but they were too far away. It was too risky to wait for them, so we raced that little guy to the hospital in record time. We had all sorts of cars shutting down the route to the hospital, just like we would were a fellow cop shot and in need of medical care. That’s about the highest honor we can give a person, and this boy deserved it.
Still, it didn’t matter on this night.
I truly believe that when it’s your time, it’s your time.
Five years shouldn’t be anyone’s time, but that’s not my call.
It’s queer, but I left hospital and went back in service to handle more calls. I had to handle some subsequent calls with a little dead boy freshly on my mind.
That’s the thing with policing. It never ends. You have to carry on, so I pretended to care about a car accident and a stolen bike when I just wanted to shout in their faces, “AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T DIE AT FIVE YEARS OLD FROM A BULLET THROUGH YOUR CHEST!!! I HAVE NO INTEREST IN YOUR BULLSHIT PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!”
But that’s not professional.
I’m wrapping this up having finished a six pack of Bud Light Lime and I just kissed all three of my own sleeping kids as well as my wife. I also laid on the ground and wrestled my dogs at 2 am, even though one of them is dying and has no interest in playing, and I have to work in the morning.
I’m still thinking about a boy I never met alive, and hoping he’s in a better place.
I’m looking at my own six year old’s homework folder and wondering if this dead boy has a homework folder in a backpack never to be turned in again. Will his mom see it when she gets home and cry? Did he have a lunch packed for the next day that will still be in the fridge this weekend to remind his family of a lunch that was never taken to school?
Did he go to kindergarten?
Will somebody have to explain to his classmates that they’ll never see this little guy alive again and why?
This is all too sad and it needs to stop.
Someone please figure out how.
don of all trades 
Thank you for sharing this…. there are no words to describe this sort of pain, and I can not even imagine how you deal with it. These days everyone is so hardened to violence and tragedy, that most people won’t even stop to read the news article about a little boy like this one. It’s important and invaluable to remember that these sorts of things are happening on the streets and that ordinary people need to get together to make it stop.
Thank you for sharing his story. This way, this one little boy will not be forgotten.
Don,
I so respect you telling this story, this truth of one little man who should have been worried about his snackie pack the next day, about building the next stage in Minecraft, about freaking tetherball and the dang girl who keeps trying to kiss him on the playground. That should be his story. About the heart you show in this story; you are so worth reading, please post more. I feel your brokenness over this loss, and as the mother of three boys I understand, but still do not, because mine live and laugh and love, and I am blessed in that.
I love your writing and your connecting and the way you are there but can at the very least, find a way to deal. I am from St. Louis (grew up Webster Groves and family still is there), btw (how I found your blog, and I will always be “home” to me, even if I am now I Californian). This breaks my heart. You show a lot of grace in the telling of this tragedy, and humanity and kindness. I wish that I could take this viral (nope, don’t have that ability), but wanted to tell you that you reached one person’s heart. I am so sorry for the loss of that family, that child, that life. It should not be that way, but thank you for being on the streets and bringing the humanity and grace to the ones who are lost. I wish I could say this better, but this break my heart. We should all remember to kiss our little men tonight a second time, and remember they are precious and lovely and fleeting.
What you do is something we should all be grateful for. I am a lurker, not a commenter, but tonight, you got me. It’s not right, five-years-old. There is no right side to that. Ever.
Thank you for writing.
Don, that made me cry. The whole gun issue is unfathomable to me, the senseless loss and accompanying fall out for all concerned is utterly tragic. Thank you for shining a light , for your humour, your warmth and undeniable sense of humanity. xx
Thanks Don
I cant “like” this post………
May his soul rest in eternal peace….
Such a sad sad story that speaks to an ugly truth that is part of our world.
Thank you for sharing. You will forever have my respect for going out there everyday and seeing the worst in people and holding it together.
What a heart breaking story. I’m in tears reading it. I don’t have the answer to fun violence in the city, I wish I did. I am somewhat insulated from it in this small town in Kansas, but couldn’t imagine something happening to my little boy, who is so full of life. This summer, as my boy and I were driving past the pool to see if it was open yet, I saw a flash of color and a boy taking of a bright shirt while running… Then I realized the boy was on fire. By the time I could get my car pulled up at his house he had gotten the shorts that were on fire off, I didn’t have time to tell him to drop and roll. I don’t know how long he burned but he was screaming the most awful scream. “Where are you parents?” He choked out, inside. I wanted to hug him, to make it better, but knew I’d hurt him more. A neighbor ran and pounded on his door for what seemed like ages and then had to go in to get the dad out. His response? He looked his screaming, burnt 8 year old right and he eye and yelled “Ethan, what the fuck did you do?” He had to be life watched and put in a coma for a while, and damn near died of infection. I saw him yesterday with an ugly scar and my heart broke all over again. He wasn’t removed from the home with his dad (sadly the mom is in even worse shape.) Apparently a child playing in the front yard with matches and a gas can unsupervised and you not even caring to come out to his screams is ok. I still hear his screams and I barely know this boy.
Good God. That is extremely horrifying to me.
It was for me, for sure. I’m glad he is ok now, but I can’t get the image of that day out of my head. Poor little guy.
Yeah. I won’t forget reading about it, either.
Sorry to be a Debbie downer today :(. I think this boy could use a few people thinking of him though… While he is not presently in the physical danger I worry about him so much and feel like he has fallen through the cracks at such a tender age.
Family Services is too busy investigating a mother because she let her kids play by themselves in their own backyards or letting them walk home from school (just blocks) unsupervised. We have our priorities so messed up.
That was beautifully written and I am in tears. Thank you for sharing the story and your perspective.
Thanks, Don. I hope for a moment my tears can replace yours so you may know a brief respite from what seems like unendurable sadness. Peace to you and your fellows. I could never do what you do, face what you face, feel what you feel…
Don, I am so sorry. It’s amazing how personally you can feel the loss of a child you didn’t even know. I wasn’t there and my heart is broken after reading this. Senseless doesn’t even seem like a strong enough word for this little boy’s death but I’m not sure there is a word in any language strong enough. I know I’ve said it before but thank you for what you do, and your fellow officers for what they do, often going above and beyond. I wish, like you, we could figure out how to make this stop.
I am speechless and heartbroken. Thank you for writing this.
Heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing this.
Seems like every morning on the drive to work there’s another story on the news of someone dying or getting seriously injured by gun violence. It’s got to stop. Thank you for doing what you do. Damn you for making me cry. (no, thanks, we need to hear these things)
Don, I am beyond heartbroken after reading this. My heart goes out to you and your fellow officers. I can’t imagine doing your job, but I am thankful that men like you are there to do it.
What a terribly sad story, Don. It tells the story of America, doesn’t it. The good and the bad.
Whenever I read your stories, I wish there was more attention paid to the helpful side of your line of work than to the bad apples. Stay safe.
Reblogged this on West Coast Review.
all I can say is bless you and the officers that protect us. stay safe
So sad. So true. So senseless. If everyone could take a moment to think about that uneaten lunch, the questions of children and the emptiness left behind by a seneseless death, maybe fewer triggers would be pulled. Problem is, taking the time to think first has never been humanity’s strong suit. Thanks for being there for that little boy, Don — and being there for the rest of us.
I don’t know what the answer is, it just sucks. It sucks that this little boy died and that EMS couldn’t arrive because it wasn’t safe. That you and your fellow officers were there and did the right thing? THAT is what will change this world. When people are willing to go into that situation because it’s more than their job. I wish I had the answer, I don’t. But I have hope. Hope that one day little children won’t die because of idiocy.
Ummm you read the article wrong. “EMS was coming, but they were too far away. It was too risky to wait for them, so we raced that little guy to the hospital in record time. We had all sorts of cars shutting down the route to the hospital, just like we would were a fellow cop shot and in need of medical care. That’s about the highest honor we can give a person, and this boy deserved it.”
Now I’m crying! So sad. 😦 Thanks for sharing this, Don.
Maybe, just maybe, that little guy has gone to a better place. Maybe his untimely death brought him to a place, a family, where he can play, love, and live in peace. It certainly wasn’t in the place he was last night. How I wish we could save these innocent little ones from the fate that most likely awaits them. God help us.
Thank you for sharing! So heartbreaking.
If I had the answers, I’d share them.
Since I don’t, I’ll continue to hope that innocents like this five year have gone to a better place. I can still hold to my faith in that, even if my faith in our humanity dwindles with each passing day.
I’ve said this before, but it bears saying again, you are a hell of a writer Don, and Thank You for being one of the good guys looking out for the rest of us… even when most of us don’t deserve it.
Don, you should be huge. You should be on the news. You should be in the papers. You should be on TV. You have brought me to tears with the simple truth. This is how it stops. People need to hear/read this post. One voice just needs to be joined by another, and another. This piece should be on the billboards in every city. It should be read in schools and libraries and churches. It should be on the door of town hall as well as the police stations and the fire stations all across this county. God Bless you for what you do. You make a difference. Thank you for sharing.
So hard. You are not alone. Thank you for what you do.
“I mostly talk out my ass and that’s what I plan to do here. Nothing that I write will blow your mind, I ‘m sure.”
You Sir, will need to change this sentence after the blog I just read. I too work with interesting & stupid people and what you said, spot on with what a lot of us are thinking about last nights events. Thank you for putting it into words and sharing.
This is beyond heartbreaking, Don. Something has to be done? What will it take to finally get the point across? How much senseless death? How many young lives must be lost? I just don’t get it.
Thanks for sharing this touching reminder that the police are compassionate and kind people. The media loves to portray a different view. Your job isn’t easy and I thank you and the other men and women in blue for your dedication and professionalism.
Don….When I left the job eight years ago, I thought I’d left all of this behind me, but that’s not the case. I still worry every day, for my grandkids, and all of the children that have to go out into this screwed up world each day. We used to have a saying that God watches out for drunks, idiots, and little children. I think he should give up on the first two, and give his full attention to the last. This shouldn’t have happened.
I can’t fathom it, Don. I could not do what you do, and I thank you for doing it. I believe our time is our time, too, but some deaths are terrible ones, whether at 5 or 90, makes no difference. His death was a tragedy. Probably to teach us something. Like “When the weather’s nice, have a bbq, kick back with a few beers, hang out with people you love, play some music…Leave your gun in a lock box at home.”
Though it must have been horrifically painful to write, I thank you for doing so. And I hope millions read it.
This is the heartache that we see everyday, people don’t understand. Officers endure this trauma on a day in and day out basis. I pray for the family of this little soul, that they might find peace. Though I know that will be almost impossible, I still pray. I pray for my brother and sisters who wage this war with the inhumane, wait war is the wrong word. You see wars end, this is a condition, a condition of inhumanity that is destroying the fabric of our society. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Carry on Don, will a swift mind and a beating heart to wage the war another day. Thank you for giving a voice to your brothers and sisters in blue. Thank you for not allowing this child’s death to go unnoticed. Thank you for caring for him as you do your own. Thank you for the endless struggle that you endure, while maintaining the soft heart to still feel. Thank you for your service, but I thank you most for your sacrifices. Hug your families a little closer today, say a few more prayers. Think of the wounded, for not all wounds are of the flesh, but of the heart and soul.
Thank you my brother.
Oh God, Don. You are a good man and a good cop and I am proud to “know” you. What a heartbreaking situation.
If I were there, I’d bring a beer and a hug. And a punching bag. A big-ass punching bag. And some sticks. And we could rage against the machine until our hands bled, then drink that cold beer and talk about shit.
And, if I go, or God forbid, one my children go, I can only hope that the final words would be as poetic as yours. You’re good people. Keep it up. The world needs you.
This was so deep and spoke volumes to me on so many levels..as tears stream down my face, and my words cannot express the gratitiude and appreciation for all the men and women of this country do to keep people like me and my children safe..i am from Ferguson and have seen up close and personal what people can be like on many levels, but have never experienced something like this…and its so very sad but true…so thank you, all of u, for all you do!!!!
Thank you so much for posting this! You made such a difference with your written words. This morning while playing a game with my 8yr old and my 12 yr old rushing to get ready for the bus, I decided to turn on the news. I heard “5 yr old shot and killed” for that brief moment I thought “when will this stop!” And then “I don’t want my kids to hear this anymore” because sadly I have become desensitized to these stories….Feeling like this happens way to often. Thank you for writing this story and breathing life into the all to familiar headlines of our news! It helped to remind me that someone’s mother would be looking at her child’s homework…knowing she would never again have the opportunity to help him complete it. 😦
HONESTLY SPEAKING THAT LITTLE BOY WAS IN MY ARMS AND I FELT SOME TYPE OF WAY…TO HAVE TO KEEP A MOTHER CALM WHILE HER BABY IS LIFELESS IN MY ARMS IS SUCH A HARD JOB BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY GOD IS AWESOME BECAUSE HE GAVE ME THE STRENGTH TO STAY CALM MYSELF….THIS IS A HORRIBLE SITUATION AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE PURPOSE OF ALL THE SHOOTING IT’S JUST CRAZY…MY HEART GOES OUT TO THE FAMILY…THE IMAGE WILL NEVER LEAVE MY MIND BUT IN DUE TIME I WILL BE OK
You have my prayers and support. Thank you for your words.
Thank you for posting this. I have so much respect for you sir. The part of your story that got me the most was the fact that people were directing anger at you and filming with their phones instead of helping. Just awful. Whatever you are paid it is not enough sir. You are a true saint.
I also would also like to say that all u read is not totally accurate. I held that baby in my arms he was not on the ground and ppl were just standing…the officer took this baby out of my arms lifeless already….I did not know this family at all but they stopped on Genevieve at my family house for help and that’s what I did was help to the best of my ability….this is a sad case I just want u all to have the whole truth about this story
I am so sorry. I have to think the things you and the other officers did meant something, it meant a lot. It meant a lot to that boy to not die alone, to be honored in the same way you’d honor your fellow officers with care and sirens and all the effort you could muster. I’m sorry this happened to that child and to you and to those hard-working officers and to that mother and family and the members of the community (like April.)
My six-year-old son keeps handing me a Barbie shoe he just fashion-designed the crap out of, and I can’t even answer him. Because I may start crying on that green and purple striped shoe. We all need to hug our boys (and our girls.)
Be Careful out there………………………………and THANKS from all of us.
In tears rite now thts sad
God bless you and all the police, keep you safe in body, mind and spirit, we the people need you and really do respect your sacrifices you make to keep us safe!
It is through sharing such terrible stories–so beautifully–that we become aware. And maybe awareness can lead to change. Thank you for this.
I think that it starts at home. If we watch,listen,talk,and do more with our children we can slowly calm this infestation that has sweeped our Nation if we address these issues with a little more passion to our children and teens we can start to heal. I lived right there a few years back and can say if I lived anywhere in Saint Louis City I would not let my children play outside ohh yes I have had many of my young family over and thay would be upset but so play that game,read a book NO OUTSIDE.
Don, may God forever continue to give you a coverance over you while you go through the terrible streets to try and protect and to serve. May God cover your mind to not be haunted about the whole horrible seens of that day, but give you a double portion of blessings for your care efforts for you and your family! I Pray all the time for St. Louis as I lost my nephew to the sensless street violence just 5yrs ago also, so I know very well what the parents may be feeling. I pray that God will give them peace in their time of sorrow! God Bless you all! And thank you again for sharing your story!
Thank you,sir, for sharing this story, and for what you and every other officer in the city of St Louis and everywhere else do, see and try and come to terms which each and every day to make this world safer, the world that my own two children live in.
I have many friends in law enforcement and a dear friend that is a St Louis city officer. You gentlemen and ladies don’t receive nearly enough pay, respect or thanks for the job that you do, day in and day out.
What is the answer? There is no easy answer.
But there are some things that are definitely not part of the answer: more gun control laws and permissive criminal justice practices.
How many laws were already ignored in this case including the one that makes it illegal to shoot little kids?
And what are the odds that your trigger man has a lengthy rap sheet or is out on pre-trial release, probation, or parole?