Honkey Bus

On days when I have nothing going on after work, like more work, I try to get up early and take the Metro Bus to and from downtown.  The 410 Eureka Express is my ride, and it requires only that I make a two mile trip to the park and ride in time to catch the bus.  There are no transfers required and the bus drops me off right across the street from work.

Driving is one of the few things in life that really gets my blood boiling.  I’m not sure why, and I have no control over it.  I’ve tried to remain calm while driving, but I can’t seem to travel even short distances without having to call somebody a stupid f’ing bitch or a dickhole.  If you cut me off and can read my lips in your mirror, I’m sorry.  I don’t mean it, but you’re an asshole.  Shame on you for making me say that in front of the boys!  Stupidity and ignorance are two traits that I abhor in people, and driving seems to bring those qualities to the forefront in otherwise tolerable human beings.   

So, taking the bus saves me much aggravation and stress by letting the bus driver deal with all the idiot commuters on I-44.  It also saves wear and tear on my 10 year old car as well as some gas money which easily converts to beer money.

There are plenty of other people riding the bus as well, of course.  In fact, as gas has gone up in price, I’ve noticed more and more different people riding the bus pretty regularly. 

Of the 40 or so people who ride this bus everyday, nearly 100% seem to be white folk!

Maybe because I haven’t ridden a Metro Bus regularly since I was in high school jumping on the southbound Kingshighway bus to grandma’s house, this observation escaped me as being unusual.  It took an astute black gentleman to point it out to me.

This observant fellow got on the bus a couple of weeks ago at the Grand Metrolink Station.  He was quite a sight in his yellow, velour sweat suit with matching yellow straight brimmed hat and…wait, really?  Yes!  His shoes were yellow too!  I hope to be as bold when I’m in my 50s as this guy clearly was!

Anyway, in spite of the fact that there were no less than 10 empty seats, he chose to stand with his ass in some old woman’s horrified looking face.  Because I’m nicer in person than I otherwise appear, and I always figure God gives you credit points for trying to be nice, I invited him to sit next to me…”no sense in standing when you can sit,” I said.  He looked at me like I had two heads, but sat down next to me anyway.

As usual with good intentions, I immediately regretted it because the dude smelled like ass (this explains the old woman’s horrified face!).  Ass with feet protruding from it!  I have a terrible sense of smell, so for me to recognize funk, it’s pretty funky! 

After a few seconds of looking around, he turned to me and said, “What is this bus doing?”

Me: “huh?”

Him: “What is this bus doing?  There are a lot of honkeys on this bus.  This a honkey bus?”

Me inside voice: “(laughing my fucking ass off!!!) Holy crap, did he just say honkey bus?!!”

Me outside voice again: “Yup, honkeys gotta work too, I guess.” 

Him: “Mmmm hmmm, you right I guess.”

"Hey, let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya!"

“Hey, let’s all hold hands and sing Kumbaya!”

Then he proceeded to put his fist up and we fist bumped each other like manly men who had just made some kickass discovery or something.

My new friend told me to take care and got off the bus after riding about 200 yards (lots of people do this and it drives me nuts!) and I was left to ponder my existence among the others on the honkey bus.

There was a goth looking woman studying her paperback Star Wars book as though she had a test on it later in the day.  I’ve seen her many times before and she’s always thumbing intently through that same Star Wars book.  WTF?! 

Others were joyfully reading their Nooks or Kindles or listening to their country music on their iPhones.  I know it’s country because I can hear the music the guy behind me is listening to as clear as can be.  Uh, sir, I don’t think you have the buds plugged all the way in to the phone!!!

This woman didn’t even bother using ear buds:

20121205-092927.jpg

I mean seriously, who does that?  She’s watching a video about how to knit or some such crap on her phone with the volume up as high as it will go!  Don’t worry about everyone else around you…I hate you lady!

The conversation on the bus is no better.  Apparently, being unable to speak in low tones is a prerequisite for talking on the bus.  Either that or people think that everyone else on the bus is interested in their lives because we’re all a happy bus riding family.  Either way, it’s infuriating, especially on the morning commute.

Were it ever a conversation about some guy’s misadventure to a strip club or something, it might be worth having to listen to, but it’s almost always Joe Accountant (I know he’s an accountant because he talks loudly about it often) discussing his son’s behavioral problems with some accommodating woman or the two scientists discussing peptides or polypeptides or hypothermic centrifugal something or other or some random person discussing something he or she knows nothing about.  Envision my wife, who couldn’t tell you who Tony Romo was for $3 million, talking loudly about why she thinks the Dallas Cowboys still have a chance to make the playoffs…that’s a 410 Eureka Express bus conversation.  You know, the honkey bus.

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21 Responses to Honkey Bus

  1. c re says:

    A football player who’s dated someone (or several) famous like Brittany or some such hooker-ish person (people)?

  2. Carol Shepard says:

    Damn, your wife is good looking and knows sports – you lucky man !!!

  3. Jennifer Strada says:

    Honky Bus would be a great band name, wouldn’t it? lol Great story and your draw-ring just makes it complete. Well done, Dontrell.

  4. warero says:

    Reblogged this on Javmode.

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  9. Hilarious dude! The dialogue with the black gentlemen was quite bizarre and funny. The Honkey Bus. Might have to steal that, but give you credit of course. Cheers.

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  11. bethteliho says:

    I saw the title and new it was a “don post” before I even saw your name. haha! Great story. Buses are a catacomb of people watching goodness. We’ve taken the dart rail (dallas) downtown several times over the years and it never stops being fascinating. Although, it ain’t no honkey train. That would be weird. Truly.

    • Yay, a Don post! Lol. Honkey Bus was one of the first posts I wrote that had a comment on it and that was reblogged. I didn’t know what that meant back then though. I never rode the DART while I was in Texas because I enjoyed tossing coins into the tollway basket too much I guess.

  12. bethteliho says:

    KNEW. gah. not enough coffee yet.

  13. Don, you made me want to ride on the Honkey Bus! I’m catching the next one for sure. I love the yellow clothed man and everything about him including that he rode a bus for only “200 yards” and stuck his smelly ass in someone’s face. Can you get his number for me next time you see him? He’s my kind of dude. The goth chick wants to be avante garde when really she’s just another minion. Bugs me to no end.

    Tony Romo is not a bad quarterback, for the record. I’m not sure how you feel about him, but I thought I should put that out here.

    BTW – I’m going to be late to my appointment now b/c I saw that you posted this and HAD to read it. Thanks!
    ~Tex

  14. GK Adams says:

    Riding the bus is great for people watching and, apparently, great material for a blog. Maybe I should start riding the bus, too! Awesome post, as always, Don.

  15. I take the bus every morning and admit sometimes I miss driving to work. I miss putting on the radio and just zoning out while I drive- some alone time. There are definitely a lot of folks who have issues with volume control on my bus too. Can these people not tell?!

  16. MJM says:

    Driving sucks major ass, and public transportation is scarier than hell, so I suggest we all just stay home and never leave the house.

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