We’ll shelve this elf yet…

In a somewhat fitting aside to yesterday’s blogged about nonsense, Ace went and lost a tooth at school. 

In addition to her unwavering faith in Santa Claus, she still expects the tooth fairy to leave some jack under her pillow in exchange for her fallen chompers.

Unfortunately, the wife and I had forgotten that the tooth fairy was supposed to visit last night.  Had I remembered, I could have snuck some loot under her pillow at 6 o’clock this morning while I was sneaking in there to move the stupid ass elf that we also forgot about again.

Fortunately, I’m the Navy Seal of sneaking around the house.  I’m in and out of rooms like a Ninja!  You learn such skills when failure means G$ will awake and scream into the baby monitor for the next two hours of the night.

The elf was extracted and relocated without a glitch, but, as I said, I was unaware that operation tooth fairy was supposed to be undertaken as well.  This oversight led to holiday related lie #87.

“My tooth is still under my pillow,” said the sullen little believer in magical beings…

I could feel the change in my face right away!


While the lies normally just start spewing from my mouth without my having to think first, I was stumped by where to take this trainwreck. 

My more adventerous side wanted to start into a saga about the Tooth Fairy having a romantic relationship with an elf (not Rocco, but they all look the same!) that turned ugly when this naughty elf started leaving his post at night to go stalk the tooth fairy until she got a restraining order. 

Because they all look alike, I was going to tell her the judge ordered all Elves on the Shelf to stay 500 feet from her, so of course, when a child loses a tooth during elf season, something has to give.  In this case it was the tooth fairy who decided to stay away.  She promised mom and me that she’ d make it up though.

That sounded ok, but then I was afraid she’d pick sides and I didn’t want her to hold it against Santa that one of his minions was a psychotic jackoff, plus there’d be questions about what judge got to rule in this matter and was it some magic jurisdiction someplace and who were the attorneys and it was becoming a mess in my head. 

Instead, I went with the simpler explanation, which is that two magical beings can’t be in the same structure (whose definition can be interpreted many ways – be vague when you lie to the children folks) or there’d be an explosion.  The neutrons are neutral you see and the electrons aren’t so if the one’s electrons intermingle with the other’s protons (use big words to confuse and distract them) hey, are you listening to me?  Good, see, they’d cause a huge explosion, see there?  Good girl.

I was glad she didn’t ask why Target doesn’t blow the fuck up then with all the elves in the same place, even though I’m sure it could be plausibly explained that they don’t become magical until they’re released from the box for the first time or something. 

Then we said the tooth fairy left us a couple of bucks out in the mailbox and that she could get it from there and she’d get the tooth later. 

“How”, she asked.

“How what?”

“How did she tell you that the money was in the mailbox?” she asked mostly non sarcastically.

I don’t know how she told us, Ace, she sent mom a text or something, now shut up and go get the money from the mailbox now because daddy needs it to ride the honkey bus!!

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