Ah, well maybe i do have some crazy afterall…

Since we broached the subject of Don’s crazy the other day, some wonderful yet snarky bitches (you know who you are) pointed out that I may have been mistaken when I indicated my crazy left.

I’ve been rereading some of my old posts, particularly the many that have zero likes when I had zero followers and stumbled across this reminder that yeah, I guess I do still have some crazy in me.

I truly believe that most of us are a single traumatic life event from turning certifiably crazy. Had one of my parents died unexpectedly, or were I robbed at gunpoint in high school near the Berthold Ave. KFC, or had I woke up alongside Honey Boo Boo’s mother one morning with a killer hangover, something could have triggered the neuroses that lurks just beneath my consciousness.

I know it’s there, because it presents itself from time to time. For example, and some blame this on being a police officer but it’s not, I’ve always done it; I have to sit in a certain seat when dining out. It’s not that I must have my line of sight towards the door or the crowd. The right chair is just a feeling and it’s totally random. Fortunately, my wife and work wife are both understanding of this little quirk.

While dining, it would be unacceptable to sit where I can hear somebody chomping their food loudly.  If you’re a person who eats with their mouth open, you’re a disgusting mouth breathing dickhole and I hate you.  People who eat like that are savages and are the same sorts of people who beat their spouses and kids and kick puppies and should all be killed.

When I eat (with my mouth closed, of course), I ALWAYS eat all of one thing first before I move onto another. Generally, it’s what I like least followed by whatever I like the next least to my favorite thing on the plate, which I save for last. So were I looking at a steak with baked potato and green beans for lunch, the green beans would all get eaten first, followed by the entire potato and finally the steak. My daughter has taken to eating like this and it makes my wife nuts. I call it delaying gratification, but she just thinks it’s insanity.

Another quirk I have with people, and my wife is an offender, is when they set the radio stations in their car in any manner other than sequentially from lowest numerical radio dial to highest. In other words, my presets on the first set are 92.3, 93.7, 96.3, 98.1, 102.5 and 106.5. See there, from lowest to highest is the way to go. My wife has hers set in some manner that she insists makes sense to her, but drives me absolutely batshit crazy. I can never find the station I’m looking for without fumbling around all her dials. It’s like trying to unclasp a back clasping bra as a high school lad…awkward and ultimately ends with wife doing it for me. I’m fairly certain she knows it makes me nuts and keeps it like that in order to get back at me for getting first dibs on where to sit at restaurants and eating my food in a predetermined order.

My employer gave me another computer monitor to stare at, so I have a double monitor setup.  While it works out well for the most part, I’ve found that certain tabs have to be on certain screens or I’m flustered.  Social media related activity goes on the right screen while all email software opens on the left.  Word documents vary; it depends on my mood I guess.  It’s ridiculous, I know, but it’s how I roll.

There are many others, from having to sleep on the left side of the bed to having to eat dinner with a certain style of fork. The point is, were it not for the fact that I’ve lived a pretty charmed life, it’s entirely possible that I’d be in an asylum someplace strapped in a straight jacket and subjected to watching other crazy people eating food in an incorrect order with their mouths open while they randomly surf channels on the tv non-sequentially!

Oh the humanity!

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62 Responses to Ah, well maybe i do have some crazy afterall…

  1. merbear74 says:

    I eat the food on my plate in a counter clockwise fashion, so all food is eaten equally, I fucking hate when I have corn left.

  2. The Cutter says:

    This is kind of the plot of the Batman story The Killing Joke, where the Joker wants to prove that a really bad day could drive anyone crazy.

  3. mollytopia says:

    Hahaha People who eat like that are savages and are the same sorts of people who beat their spouses and kids and kick puppies and should all be killed.

    Hooray for Don – keeping America laughing.

  4. Oh boy do I understand your frustration with radio stations out-of-order! THE HORROR. THE NERVE! And while I don’t eat things separately, nothing on my plate can touch or it ruins my meal.

    • They’re numbered for a reason!! I used to be anti foods touching as a kid, not I’m not so much concerned about that as I am the order. Unless there’s a sauce or liquid like from canned corn. That stuff has to stay in it’s place! But a fry can touch my burger and I’ll be able to maintain my sanity.

  5. toni596 says:

    My son eats like that and it drives us ALL crazy. Also, his food cannot touch. My daughter cannot stand to have ANYTHING she doesn’t like on her plate (like when they serve it at a restaurant), much less touching. I certainly don’t know why they are like this, as I was a perfect Mom!

  6. goldfish says:

    I eat whatever I like least first. If there’s spinach on my plate, it will be shoveled in without hardly even chewing and immediately followed with something that doesn’t taste like spinach.

    I do admit that my radio presets are sorted in the order in which I listen to them most frequently. 89.9, 89.3 and 87.1, so in that sense, they’re in reverse order.

  7. cookie1986 says:

    My favourite things about you are:
    1. You call people dickholes instead of assholes. This is wonderfully creative and no one here in Canada says that, so when i remember to use this awesome terminology, i feel great about life.
    2. I also eat my food this way. It drives Husband crazy. He is always convinced that he has cooked my steak wrong. He forgets that there is no such thing as wrong steak.
    3. You know Jesus personally. How cool is that?

    • 1. People are dickholes
      2. We are awesome eaters and practice a sound system
      3. He rules
      4. I appreciate your acknowledging my awesomeness and would be honored if you’d name your son Don, even though I’ve never been a fan of the name. Or something starting with a D and a middle name of H so in my mind he’s DH? DickHole? Lol.

  8. ardenrr says:

    Oh hoorah … I can now tell my mother that I am not the only crazy person in the world that eats their food that way. I do it the exact same! My parents mush all their food together and then eat it … disgusting. I won’t even let my food touch each other on the plate. I’d be perfectly happy eating on a kid’s plate with sections for the rest of my life but I’m scared Matt will leave me.

    I also like my radio stations in a certain order but the order is level of awesomeness determined by myself so others are totally screwed when it comes to figuring out the system…

    See, we’re all a little crazy here …. no reason to throw out words like snarky bitch.

  9. Your mother sounds like a judgmental shrew! Lol. And yes, we’re all crazy on some level, I guess the lucky ones get off the elevator sooner than others.

  10. aliciabenton says:

    If you were robbed at gunpoint in high school you may not have turned certifiably crazy. You may have turned into Batman. And THAT, my friend, would be amazing!

    And speaking of disgusting mouth breathing dickholes, Turkey Leg Fatty Patty is chewing SOMETHING with her mouth open right now, as I type. It may be the girl who sits beside her, for all I know. I want to shove her own turkey leg down her throat. GROSS.

    • I would have to kill her immediately. You need to say right now “Hey Amazon, er Arden, this guy wrote that he thinks people who eat loudly or with their mouth open are dickholes and should be killed!” so that she can hear you.

    • aliciabenton says:

      No divorces? Deal. I think it’s pretty safe to say that between the two of us, we could get you off. (Look at that… aren’t I witty today?!)

      • Ha, I see what you did there! Are any of the attorneys in that office worth a shit? I’m not asking because I know Arden works there or anything either.

      • aliciabenton says:

        Probably not with criminal law. But hey… we know people. But for other boring Plaintiff’s law, sure – in that case, they’re pretty good. And there’s like 75 to pick from. Now I don’t know about the one Arden works for. We’ll pick one of the other 74 first. Although, if he has to put up with a snarky bitch all day, he may just be the man we need…

  11. I’ve never been one to go in for delayed gratification, but I bet you find that hard to believe!! lol I would eat the steak first and then decide if I even have room left to finish the rest. However, if a kick ass dessert were offered, then I would indulge in that right after said steak. I have nutty OCD quirks, so it’s nice to hear I’m not alone. Sometimes I think crazy might be easier than trying to maintain sanity in this screwed up world.

    • That’s part of why my wife hates that we eat like we do. She thinks that we’ll eat all of the stuff we don’t like and then eat all of what we really want to eat most even though we’re full. She probably has a point, but it’s too late for me to change and I love that Ace has a daddy quirk so….lol.

  12. Melanie says:

    When I moved it took me a bit to find all the radio stations I could consider acceptable. In the mean time, they were all out of order. Crapshoots. It was annoying. I couldn’t look at the display for months without wanting to reorder everything, but anytime I did I found a new station and wacked it all out of order again. It was a rough couple of months. Now it’s happily in chronological order. Phew. I could have lost my last marble.

  13. barbtaub says:

    Okay, let me see if I have this straight, Don. You take your OCD-self into a restaurant and call dibs on the ‘right’ chair, threaten open-mouth eaters with death (you DID commit parenthood, right? Three times, to make sure you got the process down?), go batshit crazy over the order of the radio presets in your WIFE’S car, and propose to murder your (bigamous) wife’s colleague.

    Don, Don, Don. I’m afraid certifiable is minus-one event away. I hope the meds are helping.

    (PS: This doesn’t include choosing the left side of the bed and arranging the tabs on your desktop in the correct way, both signs of stable well-adjusted personalities. In your case, flukes.)

  14. Amber Perea says:

    You know what’s weird? When I was a kid I ate my food EXACTLY the same way. I knew it was weird because sometimes I would be too full to eat my favorite thing in the plate but I had to do it that way.

    We all have quirks. Chris makes this weird bed nest thingy to sleep out of blankets and pillows. I can’t eat 99% of foods without a side dipping sauce of some sort. Jp, well, he’s a quirky little doot.

    Our quirks make us different but they make us interesting, too. Without them I think we would be be too boring to even be around! 🙂

  15. Amber Perea says:

    Oh, and I can’t watch people be embarrassed or humiliated on TV. If I’m alone I fast forward and if Chris is there I walk out of the room. Thank goodness we found people that love us- quirks and all!

  16. People who don’t number their radio stations in numerical order obviously love living in chaos. I detest that.

  17. tric says:

    I would send you over the edge if I were married to you. I would not be able to resist doing so many things that upset you. My husband HATES bad language. if we are in a row I Love to go up to him real close and say quietly “FU*K OFF”. Ha ha he hates it. It makes me so happy. I sometimes add “you asshole!”.

  18. Yay for crazy!! I knew you were all along.

  19. mistyslaws says:

    It’s ok, Don. This is a safe place. You are amongst your people.

    Oh, and here’s my untrained medical diagnosis . . . you are batshit, OCD looney tunes. Carry on . . .

    My hubs has some major OCD as well, so I am totally used to the insanity of your type of crazypants actions.

  20. Katie says:

    I have some (many) problems like these, too. I don’t like drinking liquids in the middle of a meal; I like to work up a good thirst and have something once I’ve finished all my food. I always eat my corn last if it’s not on the cob, if it’s on the cob, it’s mid-meal. I don’t like to use the same piece of silverware for multiple things–so corn and peas require different spoons.

  21. oh you’ve got your share of crazy, don’t worry. you’re normal.

  22. queenlorene says:

    You are all over OCD. Squelched full of it. Coming out of your earholes. I dated a guy just like you. Drove me nuts. Had to have everything just so, even how I held the wheel of a car. I noticed the resemblance when I first started following you, and it made me smile, now that I don’t have to see the crazy jerk. Since you live in Missouri, and he (and I) live in Missouri I am wondering if you all are related. After all, there CANT be two of you without some screwed up genepool to blame.

  23. Laura Lynn says:

    I feel so normal. Thank you.
    On the other hand, I feel so left out. No food oddities at all. Gee. WHATS wrong with me?! I don’t take pictures of my food either. I just eat it. Put it in front of me. I eat. Anything. Really. I’ve never turned down a food. HEY! That’s weird, right? I will try anything once. That’s why you’ll never see me at a Texas bbq where someone might serve brains. I avoid places where someone might serve something awful and I’d have to try it or lose my bet with myself.

  24. Michelle says:

    My radio stations are set in numerical order from lowest to highest as well. There is no other way to do it!!!! I’d say yeah, you’re a tad cray-cray:)

  25. Nice to have you in the Crazy Ass Mofos Club, Don! With all those quirks, we better make you treasurer so you can have the money in order. I’ll be secretary, because I have a real sexy phone voice and can type 80 words per minute.

    • Sweet! Plus I’ll make sure to bank face all the money so it faces the same direction with the biggest bills at the bottom of the pile and smaller ones on top. That’s how I roll!

  26. Learning the hard way says:

    whoa, look at the response rate on a blog about nutso behaviour! now, that’s crazy! bless you 😉

  27. keladelaide says:

    Maybe? Were you not sure? Maybe poll all the snarky bitches if you’re still not convinced.

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