Some stuff i’ve done but never will again.

There are a few things in life that I’ve done and have promised myself that I’ll never do again.

Children.  We have three.  I am fixed.  I am done.

Drink Everclear.  I did it once.  I was in high school at a party at a friend named Jake’s house.  I was already on my way to tanked when I walked into the kitchen and saw some guy I’ve never met in my life sitting at the kitchen table all by himself with a small, flask sized bottle of clear liquid next to him.  When I asked what the heck he was doing all by himself in the kitchen with his tiny flask of clear liquid, he bet me $5 I couldn’t finish the last of the liquid.

$5 was enough for 10 Jack in the Box tacos back then, so it was on!

“Pffffffft, no sweat!” said I, and put the bottle to my lips.  There couldn’t have been more than a mouthful of liquor left.

I saw stars and I think my life flashed briefly before my eyes while my world spun round and round.

I awoke an unknown amount of time later near some orange colored vomit that I assume was mine.  Apparently puking forfeited me the $5, because the gentleman was gone and there was no prize money on the table for me.  I’ve never touched it since and foresee no reason to ever do so again, tacos be damned!

Play indoor soccer.  There was a time when soccer was a blast for me.  That time coincided with my ability to sprint more than 20 feet without feeling like one of my lungs was trying to crawl out my asshole for having done so.  Sprinting is unnatural for people over 40.  Even were I in shape, recreation indoor soccer is played almost exclusively by jackasses.  These are mostly men who were cut from their freshman year soccer team, but haven’t been able to convince themselves that they’ve always sucked at the sport and should let it go.  There are no less than three fights every game and always a blown knee or  torn achilles to be had.  I’d rather not risk either.

Eat bear sausage.  I ate a sausage made out of bear once.  Some dick and his dad went hunting in Alaska and he was grilling sausages for national night out a few years back.  He offered me what I assumed was a bratwurst, but it turned out to be grizzly bear.  Maybe it was black bear or Kodiak?  I don’t know, but it was bear and it went from being ok in my mind when I didn’t know what it was to just awful when I did.  I’m sure if I ate bear sausage unknowingly again, it’d be fine, but I shan’t do it on purpose anymore.

Ride a Greyhound Bus anywhere.  I mean not even 214 yard!  When I lived in Dallas, I made many trips back and forth to St. Louis because that’s where my lovely girlfriend was at the time.  I hitched a ride to St. Louis from a coworker once and needed a way to get back to Dallas.  Greyhound was the cheapest, so that’s what I chose to do.  I’d never been on a Greyhound, so it seemed like fun.

A 9 hour car ride took over 24 hours on the bus.  From St. Louis to Memphis, the ride wasn’t wholly intolerable.  There were only 5 or 6 people on the bus, but, unfortunately, one of them was some relation to Tupac or Snoop Dawg or somebody.  I don’t recall who he said, but he spent many hours regaling me and anyone who he thought was listening with stories about all his arrests and the different jails he’s spent time in.  It was moderately fascinating for 4 minutes, but then excruciatingly painful to bear for the next 8 hours.  At least there was room to stretch my legs and pretend I was sleeping.

The bus terminal in Memphis was a zoo.  It was a scene straight out of any movie you’ve seen where a bus travels through Mexico.  You know the scene where it’s hot and miserable, there are kids everywhere yelling and screaming, and a few chickens running around for good measure.  I just knew that every single one of those mother fuckers in that bus terminal was going to get on that bus to Dallas.  I just had a feeling.

Mercifully, there was a hotel right next door with a hotel bar and I had a couple of hours to kill.  I drank as fast and furious as I ever had in my life so as to feel no pain on that last leg home.

As I’d thought, every Juan, Chica and Pedro got on that bus, thankfully without Tupac Jr., who was only going to Memphis.  There may have been as many as 8 free running roosters and a donkey on the bus as well.  It was packed and they were all going to Dallas.  Nobody got off at any of the 57 other stops that bus made before reaching Dallas.  If anything, more people got on.  I was eventually able to pass out and not give two shits about my surroundings, other than maybe fearing being shivved in the spleen or having my luggage stolen, but we made it without either happening.

Assemble another piece of furniture.  My mom and I almost came to blows and divorced once.  Can you divorce your mom?  Not over a girl I was dating or poor grades or drugs or whatever it is that parents and kids get in a tizzy about, no, it was over the assembling of a computer desk.

This has been well over 20 years ago now, I think the family had just purchased an Apple IIc computer, if that’s any gauge of the time frame.  We bought this enormous L shaped desk with cabinets and drawers, I believe it was a Sauders brand piece of shit furniture.

May my testicles shrivel up and fall off (they have figuratively, I’m aware so carry on) if there were less than 700 fucking pieces in that box.  It was heavy and it was a bitch to assemble.

Pieces of wood, well, particle board were marked with letters and there were 400 different dowels and screws and interlocking pieces and rails and fasteners.  Holy crap, I can’t even describe the awfulness.  We fought and bitched and tightened screws and then untightened screws because we used the wrong screws and then put on shelves and then removed shelves because they were attached wrong…for 14 hours we worked on this ridiculous desk.  At one point, I think mom was out of beer and we’d agreed to just get an axe, smash the shit out of what we’d created so far, and put the computer on the kitchen table that we never ate at anyway.  Unfortunately, much like the screw driver or socket wrench set that would have made this job so much easier, we didn’t own an axe either.

Mom and I finished that fucker and swore to never speak of the evil things we said to each other or about the Sauder Corporation again.  I’ve left all of the horrible stuff out as per our truce, but suffice to say, it sucked.

I didn’t swear off this shitty furniture assembling completely though until I was dating my wife and I assembled a simple microwave stand.  It wasn’t too bad, and I was sort of proud of myself until wife pointed out that I had the shelf on backwards.  The unfinished side was facing forward.

FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

It stayed that way until I finally gave it away to a friend or maybe my brother.  I promised myself, when my wife caught my blunder, that that was it for my assembling furniture.  I’m an adult now, I can pay other assholes to do that type of thing.

What crap have you done that you won’t you ever do again?

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93 Responses to Some stuff i’ve done but never will again.

  1. merbear74 says:

    Yeah, eat the Guatemala special at the Mexican restaurant. Can you say mud butt?

  2. I’m with you on the Greyhound thing. In college I rode the bus from Michigan to Arizona. I think it took like 13 days. The highlight was when one of the “regulars” berated all of the occasional riders for being creepy, disgusting freaks. Never again.

  3. Everclear. . .I remember those days. A friend and I used to mix it with pink lemonade. I don’t think it ever made me wake up in a puddle of my own puke, but then again you do drink Bud Light Lime!!

  4. tric says:

    I wont ever be pregnant again. That is a joyous thought every day til I die. Who said you forget?
    My husband will never be let assemble anything ever. The last time he put the tall skinny legs that belonged on the dressing table onto the bed and the lovely small chunky bed legs on the dressing table. My mum slept over and kept saying she didn’t feel safe in the bed. When I checked it out and saw what he had done I realized she had been very lucky to live!
    There are a lot of other things I will never do again but I got away with them, so will not be admitting to anything here!

  5. MishaBurnett says:

    Replace a power window motor in a car. I’ve never seen so much blood on sheet metal.

  6. Amber Perea says:

    There are too many things to mention. Beer bong, walk-in bong (my college roommate was an engineering major) made of giant PVC pipe, dance on a bar, have sex in public, wear blue eyeshadow, listen to techno music with pupils the size of quarters, wear shirts made of mesh, take rides from strangers, anything involving jagermeister, keg stand…..

    Youth was fun but it’s over… 🙂

  7. Fresh Ginger says:

    “That time coincided with my ability to sprint more than 20 feet without feeling like one of my lungs was trying to crawl out my asshole for having done so.” Running is on my list of things not to do anymore. The people that put those cute little ‘13.1’ and ‘26.2’ stickers on their CAR are assholes. I want a ‘00.0’ sticker. That’s how I roll. Literally.

  8. whinybaby says:

    I took a Greyhound from Boston to New York once, and at one point the front doors stopped fully closing and we had to pull over. We thought we were in for a long layover while we waited for a mechanic to find us, until a fellow passenger pulled out his trash bag luggage, FULL OF ROPE, and tied the door closed. This dude was on a Greyhound with nothing but a plastic bag full of restraints.

    I’m with you. Never again.

  9. Pingback: What would I never do again? All of it. Once was enough but I have no regrets. | "Normal" is the New Boring

  10. ardenrr says:

    Crack

  11. IKEA must be the most dreaded store for you then, huh? And, I am with you on the greyhound thing. After many trips on charter buses in high school because of being a band nerd, I still get sick when I smell that exhaust from a charter bus. The smell is distinct. And, it is forever in my brain.

  12. Nagzilla says:

    With the exclusion of indoor soccer, I actually agree with every single one of these. And the indoor soccer is only because I have never played it. Although I will swap out the bear sausage for deer/venison sausage as I’ve never had bear sausage, but I will never again eat venison thanks to an unfortunate incident involving 25 lbs of deer meat and an electrical outage.

  13. jdoublem says:

    law school. a school of whiny bitches who graduate to self important assholes. never again.

  14. put my cat in a cat carrier and agree to be a class parent on a 4th grade trip to the bronx zoo.

  15. barbtaub says:

    From the WTF-was-I-thinking? department… Skydiving. “Ground School” was pretty fun — basically bungee-jumping to practice landings. Then they put me in a plane and when it was my turn some sadistic bastard shoved me out the door and I was hanging onto the wing strut and trying to claw my way through his body to get back inside when he put a foot the size of Nevada into my back and kicked. I did the world’s fastest count and pulled the cord. Then about three or four years passed while I waited for the chute to open. After that there wasn’t much to do except watch the woman who jumped before me panic even more than me and hit the ground with both feet locked. As I floated down, I could hear the screaming in my radio about how she had broken both legs and the bones were sticking out. That was a time when many controlled substances played a role in my life, which might explain why I jumped again. Many agains, until I finally managed to break my ankle. So yeah. I won’t be skydiving any more.

  16. goldfish says:

    $5 is definitely not enough to drink any Everclear at all.

  17. Dear lord-it’s always alcohol that gets ya in trouble. Everclear makes the best PJ. And the worst night in jail. Jus sayn. But in my defense…I didn’t know you couldn’t make it in the tub of the hotel and add fruit.

  18. A.J. Goode says:

    Skinny dip in Lake Michigan under a full moon. Ain’t enough water in the world to hide this big white butt.

  19. Um, you can STILL get 10 tacos at Jack in the Box for $5. Also, I love indoor soccer, always played it during the off-season when I was younger. Maybe it’s different for women, but it allowed us to get really aggressive since the rules are a lot looser. I loved being able to slam into people and kick the shit out of the ball.

  20. queenlorene says:

    In college I only drank Everclear and OJ. My thinking was as follows: I wanted the maximum impact in the minimum amount of time with the minimum number of calories. Yin meet yang. And I know that I had spectacular experiences; I just don’t remember them. But my friends do….

    • Your logic is sound, but your liver not so much.

      • queenlorene says:

        HAHAHAHA–just so! Funny about the liver, I take a chemo drug every week, and I happened to discuss alcohol’s benefits on pain with my Dr and he stopped and said, YOU DONT DRINK DO YOU? Uh….nnnnooo. Well, I guess this med causes liver failure if the person regularly consumes alcohol. After 4 years NOW they tell me. Of course, why fix something that isn’t broke?

  21. Bear sausage?? Ugh. I’m sure it tastes fine but it sounds awful.

  22. this was absolutely hilarious 😄

  23. Melanie says:

    I will never again eat chicken that has roamed someone’s backyard. It’s grey and nasty. I want my chicken to come sitting on styrofoam wrapped in cellophane, never to have ever actually been alive, please and thank you. I will never again drink tequila. I don’t remember why, but I won’t. And, I will never get married again.

    • Backyard chicken is grey? Really? That’s gross. Tequila banishment is a good thing, yes.

      • Melanie says:

        The yard bird I had was. This one, a rooster, yuck, had roamed free and lived off bugs. Yay for free range, all natural. Not. I took one bite and that was it. It tasted as bad as it looked.

  24. keladelaide says:

    Hitch a ride with off-duty soldiers back to base.

  25. aliciabenton says:

    Hi-freakin-larious!

  26. Kate Ha says:

    I’m on the treadmill at the gym covering my mouth lest those around me think I’m a loon because of my out loud laughter bc of your post. I tried Everclear once. Once. It felt like I swallowed one of those red and white peppermints whole. Pain! I have my own Greyhound experience that I need to blog about, involving a 40-ish year old alcoholic following me (20yo) around the bus station, then sitting next to me on the bus because it was packed, and whispering in my ear. Maybe I did blog about this. I can’t even remember. But the Sauder furniture!!! I don’t know how many times I’ve put that crap together only to find the shelf on backwards or screws in the wrong place. Gah! Then its a rickety mess that falls apart in the next year anyway – most likely due to my awesome mechanical skills. Hilarious post!

    • Laughing and running on a treadmill…I’m sure you gym cohorts wanted to punch you right in your face! Lol. Thanks for laughing though! Nobody has ever taken a Greyhound anywhere and said that it was a pleasant experience. I imagine that’s how you get around in hell. Well, not you, but people in hell generally.

  27. canigetanotherbottleofwhine says:

    Did my comment even post? I accidentally logged in as Kate Ha. That may be more appropriate anyway.

    • canigetanotherbottleofwhine says:

      Crap! It didn’t post! It was long too. Suck! Basically I said I’m reading this on the treadmill and laughing out loud. Everclear is awful and felt like I swallowed a whole red and white peppermint candy – like a ball going down my esophagus. I thought I was cool, then Everclear knocked me down. Don’t get me started on Sauder. Hilarious post!

  28. I’m with you on all of these things.
    1. IKEA is the enemy. I’m certain marriages have died because of “ready to assemble” furniture by IKEA.
    2. bear sausage. What kind of idiot. You know when people say something tastes “gamey”? Bear sausage tastes like ass. There is no nice way to say this.
    Welcome to my reader, man. 😉

    • You’re not the first to mention IKEA. I’ve never been, but it sounds just awful. Thanks for having me in your reader. If a teenage son and a husband don’t fulfill your need to roll your eyes and mutter the word idiot under your breath, then I’m confident I can meet your needs.

  29. Laura Lynn says:

    I’ve eaten bear. It was a roast though. Pretty tasty but I didn’t feel like it was anything special. My friend got a tag and decided she was going to get a bear rug. Then we all ate the rest of it. Kind of creepy seeing it written down actually.
    I would say that I will never eat the tequila worm again.
    When I closed my candy store I gave my brother in law the slurpee machine and he made amazing super alcoholic slurpees for everyone. People would bring a bottle to the party and pour it into the machine. Whatever it was. Some jerk was always pouring in something wierd like creme de menthe or something. But overall, no. Never again. No more slurpee machine drinks. Oh and there was a ukrainian guy who had a still and made rye. That shit was KILLER. That usually ended up with the RCMP in the backyard.

    • Oh, I’d like me some Slurpee drinks! A nice jack and coke Slurpee?? Hello!!! They used to sell Slurpees in the Kmart stores I think. A bear is not meant to be food, except to vultures maybe after the bear dies of other causes. It’s too high on the food chain to be delicious.

  30. segmation says:

    Ride a Greyhound Bus is something I will never do again! Too many rides or experiences from Cincinnati to Columbus, Ohio for me! Love your humor, what is next for you?

  31. JayNine says:

    I usually do not post a comment after seeing soo many but THAT was TOO GOOD !!!! Sir, a round of APPLAUSE for laughter and tears in one post!!! I have SOO been there….(accept for the testicles! LMAO! I will respond by reblog (eventually)..Long Weekend here in Ontario Canada–2 kids home no time today! Thank you ever so much for always giving us a REAL good share! Jeanine H

  32. Go Jules Go says:

    #1 on this list does not do well to support your side of the argument, my friend.

    The older I’ve gotten, the less likely I am to go to parties just because it’s the nice thing to do. You really start weeding out the dead weight that way. Like all the people with kids.

  33. Well, technically, I was arguing that YOU should have kids. I’m sure they’d be much better than my own! And I couldn’t agree more about the people with kids. They are exhausting!

  34. Pingback: “‘When are you planning to return to earth?’ ‘Soon as I finish this coffee,’ says Jesus. ‘Pretty good, isn’t it.’” ~Garrison Keillor | Alicia Benton

  35. Bridget says:

    My EverClear & Greyhound stories, sadly, are one in the same – As a HS senior, on the ruse of a college visit, I took Amtrak to KC to stay with a friend at Rockhurst…..went to my first college party, where the theme was “End of the World”. The frat house was decorated as a fallout shelter. The refreshment (that’s what us naive Catholic school girls called it) was Atomic Punch (Koolaid + Everclear) in really big cups. Never have I been so sick in my life. Ever. And I had to get back on the train the next morning. But when we got to the station (after scandously missing Mass), where I was crying because I was so sick, and didn’t want to leave because I thought I had fallen in love with an atomic zombie from the night before, it was announced there were problems on the tracks. But not to worry — there was a Greyhound bus to drive the train passengers east at no extra charge (just an additional 2 hours, I think!). I boarded this stinky bus, sat next to an old lady who didn’t look like she’d want to talk, and tried to sleep. However, I was catty corner and behind a man wearing big cowboy boots. As my stomach had slightly settled, and I was on the verge of sleep, he removes them, and then, removes his nasty socks, and then –seriously, I cannot believe I’ve never told you this story — he pulls out nail clippers! Yes, he did. Everything got all churned up again, stomach & tears. How I wanted to be home. Or dead. It didn’t matter. I tried so hard to go to sleep, but I could hear the clip-clip-clip….. Your post was very funny, despite reminding me of this horrible memory of mine!

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