We arrived at the Children’s Hospital Emergency Room at the same time.
He and his partner parked and I pulled up to their left and did the same.
I got out of my car and watched as the officer hurried from his seat and opened the back, driver’s side door.
When the officer grabbed the boy from the back seat of his police Tahoe, I knew almost instantly.
There was a split second though, before instantly I guess, where I didn’t know. For that split second, the officer looked like any dad grabbing his sleeping boy from the car and putting the boy’s head on his shoulder to carry him inside to sleep comfortably in his own bed.
For that split second, it was a sweet moment.
The officer, an around fifty year old white guy, clutched the little boy over his left shoulder gently, but with a clear purpose. The boy was small, a black child with his hair in corn rows and dressed as a typical five or six-year-old dresses.
He reminded me of my own six-year-old son.
The sudden, pained look on the officer’s face and the fact that the boy wasn’t crying or yelling or doing anything other than appearing to be asleep made the split second fantasy fade away fast.
We hurried into the emergency room where we were met by the trauma team and hospital staff. I’m always in awe at how these emergency room doctors and nurses and staff are so able to get to working on a patient so fast.
There was some sliver of hope that the boy would make it, at least that’s what we all wanted to believe.
The truth, and I think we all knew it, was that this boy would never fall asleep in his own bed again. When the officer laid the boy down on the gurney and stood back upright, any wind that may have been in my sails quickly faded to nothing.
His shirt said it all.
Where the boy’s little heart had laid so close to the officer’s own heart, was a mess that told us things would not end well.
The three of us officers, with nearly fifty years of city police experience under our collective belts, waited not so stoically outside of trauma room two as the doctors and nurses busted their tails to save this little guy.
We paced and exchanged awkward smiles with each other and the nurses and staff who were passing by. There were several times when one or all of us was close to tears, but we held it together.
It was hard for the officer, because he did the best he could and it wasn’t going to be enough. It was hard for me, because I have a son about that age at home and couldn’t imagine anything like this happening to him.
It was awkward because we were all hoping, but we also knew that it was going to take a miracle for that boy to live.
He was not granted that miracle.
Just like that, at a couple of minutes after 8pm, a five-year old boy was gone forever.
The sheet of paper, which I’ve seen way to many times, verified it. It’s the one with a line printed on it. When it’s completely straight, you’ve died. You’ve straight-lined, as they say.
I was done with being in the hospital. I wanted to leave.
To go back to my car, I had to walk past the same group of people who were in the waiting room when we walked past them earlier with the dying boy. Three little boys grabbed at me and asked me if that boy we carried in earlier was dead.
“Did he die, officer? Was that boy dead?” They asked me.
I got no help from their mom, as she was tending to a clearly sick kid of her own.
“Boys, he’s fine. He’s a strong boy, just like you guys.”
I felt bad lying, but it seemed easier than having to explain death to three strange kids all under ten years old.
I went to my car and grabbed a bunch of Dum-Dums from the bag I carry around. Mom was cool with me giving them suckers, and they left me alone about the dead boy they still thought was alive.
I couldn’t tell them that the boy who was about their same age had straight-lined.
Five-year olds shouldn’t straight line.
Why did this one?
Because of gun violence in the city.
The weather was nice so the people were out.
Some people were out with their guns.
Why did this boy have to die?
Was it disrespect?
Drugs?
A woman?
Money?
All stupid reasons to fire a gun anywhere near another human being, let alone children, but here we are again, with another child lost to violence.
We tried to save this boy.
The officer showed up and there was a hostile crowd of people, most of whom had nothing to do with the shooting, and most not even sure what they should be angry at. The were just angry because anger is easy. Patience is hard. Kindness in the face of adversity is hard. Understanding is hard.
Some chose to be angry at the police while others were taking video on their phone. Meanwhile, nobody was helping a child as he lay dying on the sidewalk from a bullet that had torn through his little body.
The officer fought through the angry crowd and put a dying boy he didn’t know in his car.
Did he have to do that?
No.
EMS was coming, but they were too far away. It was too risky to wait for them, so we raced that little guy to the hospital in record time. We had all sorts of cars shutting down the route to the hospital, just like we would were a fellow cop shot and in need of medical care. That’s about the highest honor we can give a person, and this boy deserved it.
Still, it didn’t matter on this night.
I truly believe that when it’s your time, it’s your time.
Five years shouldn’t be anyone’s time, but that’s not my call.
It’s queer, but I left hospital and went back in service to handle more calls. I had to handle some subsequent calls with a little dead boy freshly on my mind.
That’s the thing with policing. It never ends. You have to carry on, so I pretended to care about a car accident and a stolen bike when I just wanted to shout in their faces, “AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T DIE AT FIVE YEARS OLD FROM A BULLET THROUGH YOUR CHEST!!! I HAVE NO INTEREST IN YOUR BULLSHIT PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!”
But that’s not professional.
I’m wrapping this up having finished a six pack of Bud Light Lime and I just kissed all three of my own sleeping kids as well as my wife. I also laid on the ground and wrestled my dogs at 2 am, even though one of them is dying and has no interest in playing, and I have to work in the morning.
I’m still thinking about a boy I never met alive, and hoping he’s in a better place.
I’m looking at my own six year old’s homework folder and wondering if this dead boy has a homework folder in a backpack never to be turned in again. Will his mom see it when she gets home and cry? Did he have a lunch packed for the next day that will still be in the fridge this weekend to remind his family of a lunch that was never taken to school?
Did he go to kindergarten?
Will somebody have to explain to his classmates that they’ll never see this little guy alive again and why?
This is all too sad and it needs to stop.
Someone please figure out how.
don of all trades 
No words can explain the feelings I have for the officer but mostly the 5 year old little boy. I admire this officer and many more. They have a tough job but they also have a mighty God. I know that littleboy went to heaven. I have 5 little girls myself. My prayers go out for the ffamily, the officer, and for the idiots out there. May God save your souls.
Thank you Officer Don for sharing this story with all of us. We all NEED to start taking responsibility for our actions. There should NEVER be a gun near a child. Children of this age aren’t supposed to die. St. Louis, Mo has had it’s ups and downs but it seem to be like every single time I turn the news on it’s about a senseless killing of innocent children, adults, and even the elderly. We’ve got to come together and stand as ONE!!! I have the utmost respect for ALL law enforcement from county to county and state to state.
Don, this is an awful, horrible story – and you gave it due consideration. I hope this essay is picked up nationally. It should be seen, it should be heard.
I feel bad for the Police because they will always fight an uphill battle against the socioeconomic challenged citizens in society. I feel bad for the toddler because he was born to a father who had the intelligence of a gnat when he chose to get into a gun fight over several blocks while his family was in the car with him. Until the law abiding citizens of a challenged socioeconomic area stand up, start making a difference, and let those who don’t obey the law know they there actions won’t be tolerated, the Police will continue to be the bad guys and continue to the uphill fight and sadly, continue driving bodies the the hospital. Change has to come within the community and it has to be directly from the law abiding people in that community that they aren’t going to stand for it anymore. It’s not just telling, it’s forming action. Otherwise why would these types of incidents cease when they only thing the perpetrators have to worry about is the Police? The Police can’t be expected to be babysitters and things will change. These things happen in communities where poor people exploit our system rather than embrace it, and those, the majority who do embrace it, stand by an talk, and do nothing.
And the truth will make you free
It also has to be up to our judges and court systems. How in the world are these people still walking the street with multiple felonies. Trust me, some of the law abiding citizens are afraid.
No, these thing happen EVERYWHERE. Only those that happen in these types of communities are the ones who get attention from news headlines or get “exploited”. Those from a quieter community remain unknown as they wish for their community to STAY quiet, out of the media, and do not desire the attention from the surrounding cities/counties/municipalities.
I understand what you are saying, but that don’t make it right to keep doing these things. I’ve always said, you know how to keep your city/community, stop doing the things that get you in the news for this, put the effort into getting recognized for doing good.
Sorry, I meant to put out of the news behind your city/community. Hit post to fast.
God’s Grace be upon all involved – INCLUDING all first responders associated with the call.
Anger is hard.. Patience is Easy… Simple Words but 100% True ❤
meant to say anger is easy and patience is hard..
My heart breaks for both you as well as this family. When does it end?
I’m sorry.
HEARTBREAKING!!!! Lord please cover our officers! Be a fence around our youth and Father spread peace amongst our streets!
The Ferguson report confirmed what many thought. Some police are racist thugs who have no business with a gun and badge.
Your story also confirmed what many thought. Some police are compassionate humans who truly do what’s right, in this case making the effort to save this boy.
I’d like to think more police are the latter.
The Ferguson report was slanted….I don’t believe anything Holder is behind!!
Keep on doing’ what we do brother.
Its said people today can only c bad in police officers they do a whole lot good and r not recognized near a nuff good bad every field we need officer to live safe thank u too the officers that have not lost hope b safe
Reblogged this on Never Date a Writer…. and commented:
A clear unfiltered depiction of the violence in my city….
Of all the angry things I’ve wanted to shout at the world in my limited time blogging… None of it holds a candle to the importance of this. I’m glad to have read it; It’s important enough that maybe everyone should. Thank you.
My heart goes out to you, my friend. I’m the therapist at the Crime Victim Advocacy Center here in St. Louis. My schedule is filled with the mothers of murdered children in our community. We also open our doors and welcome our partners who need someone to talk to about the atrocities they see and the stories they witness. Please know that we are an alternative to an EAP, and we’re safe. Yours in the struggle.
I held that little boy last night and he was dying before eyes…I held him and tried to help him…but now I can’t get the IMAGE out my head…how do you DEAL with something like this and u never experienced anything like this ever
April, I’m so sorry you had to do that… if it hadn’t been for the idiots doing the shooting, you wouldn’t have been in that position. All I can tell you to do is to pray, and if it gets too much to bear, too much to remember, seek professional help. It’s never an easy thing, and bless you for trying to help.
Hi April, I’m sorry, but I just saw your post, and I’m not sure if it was said in reply to mine or just in general. Our number is 314-652-3623 and our website is http://www.supportvictims.org Those are tough images to deal with on your own. Let us know if we can help. Take care.
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A story like this is always hard to read, because we all think of our own 5 year old child, grandchild, or even little neighbor, and how we would feel, if this happened to us. So sad….I saw this happened yesterday, and heard that the officers scooped the baby up and took him to the hospital, because the ambulance was too far away. But I prayed for them and the baby. I knew just the way it happened…it would not be good. This is exactly how police officers feel every time a bad thing happens on their shift…and they don’t even see the color…..they see the children. Why can’t these horrible people who don’t even value life at all, continue to do this. I just cannot understand. But I still pray to God to fix it. Please God, won’t you fix it …?? Even just a little would help !
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This was very well written. There is very little I or anyone else can say that will provide you comfort. Just know that both my family and myself appreciate your service and the sacrifices both you and your family make.
What a tragic and emotional story. I work in the ER but quiet honestly you are never mentally ready for calls like this. Kids that age should enjoy their childhood and not have their life cut short. I am praying for his family. This needs to stop. Often I am afraid to take my 2 year old places since I have seen and heard many horrifying stories. Thank you for all you guys did. There is only so much that you can do sometimes. God bless you, your family and your two furbabies.
Pingback: The Senseless Death of a Boy, and the Grief of the Cop Who Couldn't Save Him -
Remember how hard the STL Police, FIRE, AND EMS work to keep you safe when the higher power wants to cut there pension or benefits to balance ther budget!!
“This is all too sad and it needs to stop.
Someone please figure out how.”
Amen. Don have you ever heard of criminologist David Kennedy and his book Don’t Shoot? He has some great ideas about reducing violence and repairing police-community relations through his brilliant insights into the group dynamics behind urban violence.
I know Circuit Attorney Jennifer Joyce recently checked out Kennedy’s work in Kansas City with what they’re calling “No Violence Alliance” that seems to be working over there and from the news articles anyway it sounds like she’s pretty excited about it. Hoping to introduce it to more people because St Louis really needs it!
Don, you and your partners are Giants among Men. Well done.
Amazing Officers we all need to hear more amazing stories like this one!!!!
I read this story in the Post Dispatch and had to find your blog to reach out to you. You told a story of a tragic, sad event with heart and soul and kindness and I wanted to let you know my admiration for your taking the time to share this with us and in this manner knows no bounds. We need more humans like you.
These coward ass niggas.let me c yall march and protest for that.
I was thinking the same thing. Where are the protesters? How can people stand by and not be angry about a child’s needless death? Mherich@swbell.net
I have but ONE wish.. one that, sadly, can’t or won’t be granted. I wish that EVERY one of thoe FTP protesters be required or forced to whatever it would take.. to give up their chants for 15 minutes and each one must read Officer Don’s blog posting above **aloud** and in public… just as they made their anti police chants. I know many of them would have a difficult time completing the reading without tears… and others would still find nothing redeeming about what the police did for the buying boy.
First, I am so, so sorry. For the 5 year old and for you and the other officers who shared in this experience.
Second, thank you so much for taking time to put perspective on this national epidemic – gun violence. Gun users and gun advocates belong in the same category – insecure, ignorant, arrogant, and equally dangerous.
Be blessed. Be safe.
Don: I had no idea you were an officer in St. Louis when I linked you to my blog. I am from there and continually grieve for my former city. Thank you.
Thank you for your service ! Praying for the lost child and his family. A sad testament to what our society has become, where the lives of the innocent are taken in senseless acts of violence.
You’re Angels on earth who sacrifice so much, more than often for those who care so little. Know that each of you are in our thoughts and prayers as you head out into your sometimes thankless jobs as the protectors of our community. We pray:
May the Lord walk beside you to sustain you
May the Lord walk above you to watch over you
May the Lord walk behind you to keep you safe
May the Lord walk before you to show you the way.
May he bestow upon each of you, His richest Blessings.
Dear God Don – heaven help us. I thank you for sharing this with us. It is so, so hard.
Pathectic rot in hell who Eva did the crime
Just no words. You’re right; it’s just senseless.
Brought tears to mu eyes my thoughts and prayers go out to the lil mans family and to the officer .. It breaks my heart to always hearing bout muders and its always over something stupid people need to relize that we all bleed the same color stop the violence to many people dying that had nothing to do with it ..yes there is crooked cops but not every police officer is bad
Way to go Don…make me cry. It’s so horrible. I can’t even contemplate. To hear a cop’s view on this controversial issue is enlightening to say the least. I’ve never been a fan of guns, now I’m reminded why.
Reblogged this on bloggerelstl and commented:
To any of my followers who have not read this man’s blog, you should. You’ll mostly laugh, but sometimes, like with this post, you’ll want to cry. He’s awesome, our daughters went to school together, and I am proud to call him a friend.
Police officers turn their backs on New York Mayor Bill de Blasio http://wp.me/p11mpq-142
So very sad, there really are no words for a senseless death such as this. There are words to say about all the good, hard working, life risking, selfless police officers out there who risk their lives on the daily. I know as a mother I appreciate all the valiant efforts made to save this young boy. Bless him, you and all the people trying to keep their children safe and those that help them accomplish that goal by leaving their family members at home to protect and serve.
with swollen tears running down my face,call JESUS with me.Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus call until something Happens Jesus Bless this little child’s family Jesus Jesus.
I’m Jessica, I’m 12 years old and my mom said it was OK to read this and leave a comment. I run a non-profit called We Care Bears to provide INSTANT comfort to kids in unbearable situations. Maybe a stuffed animal wouldn’t comfort this little guy but it might bring comfort to the next scared or injured child you meet. Would it be OK for me send you a bag or two of We Care Bears for your vehicles? My e-mail is Jessica @ Wecarebears. com . You can read more at wecarebears.com or my facebook page. Thank you for your service, and stay safe.
Here in Ireland even the police are not allowed to carry guns unless part of the armed response unit. That doesn’t mean we have no gun crime, but it does mean less.
I read this earlier today and you have been on my mind since. I hope you are okay, you will not get over this one today or tomorrow. Take care Don.
Even though all of your post was a mesmerising read I particularly liked where you said ‘it is easier to be angry, patience and understanding are hard’. Well said. I hope your town recovers sometime soon.
Words can’t express just how heart wrenching this story is. It is such a shame that there are so many selfish, ignorant, and violent people out there putting innocent lives to an end. It is one-hundred times more difficult to see it affecting children, who have no control of their surroundings or circumstance. I pray daily for the safety of our children, of our health care workers, our first responders, firefighters, and all of our police officers. May God grant peace and understanding in the midst of so much pain. Thank you for sharing such a painful experience, may God bless you all!
Praying for you and your department, as the weather changes for some reason people just lose their mind and forget that others are around. As the warm weather approaches, I will be praying for anyone who deals with these type of issues, especially myself. I am a social worker who sees more than I like, sometimes…….
Thank You for giving us an insight to what goes threw an officer’s mind. Thank You for showing us that your human and though you wear a badge you aren’t always the badge. My heart goes out to all officer’s involved.
I had to dry my tears before I could Type a comment. Having a four-year-old son this unfortunately hit home. As a parent I think most of us just want our kids to be safe and feel loved but how can we do this when there’s violence everywhere. It is in the schools, at home, the neighborhood, ammusment parks, Etc.
I would like to thank all the people who care for the children of our futures whether it be doctors, police officers, nurses, teachers or the little old couple down the street who watches out there window at the kids playing!
I fear that soon bullet proof vests will be on school supply lists and teachers, medical staff and so on will be given tasers as protection against violence.
Again thank you to those who care for our children.
I am not equating this to what those officers did by any means. Regardless, here’s my story. I’m a Detroit cop, approximately. 8 years ago. My Sgt. & I got a run for a 5 year old who, don’t ask me how, managed to invest an unknown amount of wood stain & he wasn’t looking good. We did the same as those officers. Out him in the back seat and rushed him to our Childrens Hosp. When I went to check on the boy. The doctor asked if i was the officer who brought him in. I replied that I was. The doctor, then questioned me why I brought the boy in & not EMS. I told him they were 20 minutes out. We got there in 8minutes. He then asked don’t you think they are better equipped to handle this. I told him because the way the boy looked & the family had no idea how much he ingested, my Sgt. said we’re not waiting. The good doctor then said, that’s typical don’t take responsibility. Just following orders, right? I walked away in disbelief, not saying anything. Because if I did. The doctor would then make a complaint & I would have been found guilty of departmental demeanor charges. The nurses later told me we did the right thing & the boy was recovering fine. Canned if you do, canned if you don’t.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you have witness such tragedy. Senseless as it is, There is good in what you do. I respect & honor you and I want to say thank you for your selfless service.
Google kelly thomas…………..Now tell me again officer why I should feel sorry for you?
We are 58 times more likely to die at the hands of the police then we are at the hands of a terrorist.
blow it out your ass officer I don’t feel sorry for you
God bless you and all you do…