We arrived at the Children’s Hospital Emergency Room at the same time.
He and his partner parked and I pulled up to their left and did the same.
I got out of my car and watched as the officer hurried from his seat and opened the back, driver’s side door.
When the officer grabbed the boy from the back seat of his police Tahoe, I knew almost instantly.
There was a split second though, before instantly I guess, where I didn’t know. For that split second, the officer looked like any dad grabbing his sleeping boy from the car and putting the boy’s head on his shoulder to carry him inside to sleep comfortably in his own bed.
For that split second, it was a sweet moment.
The officer, an around fifty year old white guy, clutched the little boy over his left shoulder gently, but with a clear purpose. The boy was small, a black child with his hair in corn rows and dressed as a typical five or six-year-old dresses.
He reminded me of my own six-year-old son.
The sudden, pained look on the officer’s face and the fact that the boy wasn’t crying or yelling or doing anything other than appearing to be asleep made the split second fantasy fade away fast.
We hurried into the emergency room where we were met by the trauma team and hospital staff. I’m always in awe at how these emergency room doctors and nurses and staff are so able to get to working on a patient so fast.
There was some sliver of hope that the boy would make it, at least that’s what we all wanted to believe.
The truth, and I think we all knew it, was that this boy would never fall asleep in his own bed again. When the officer laid the boy down on the gurney and stood back upright, any wind that may have been in my sails quickly faded to nothing.
His shirt said it all.
Where the boy’s little heart had laid so close to the officer’s own heart, was a mess that told us things would not end well.
The three of us officers, with nearly fifty years of city police experience under our collective belts, waited not so stoically outside of trauma room two as the doctors and nurses busted their tails to save this little guy.
We paced and exchanged awkward smiles with each other and the nurses and staff who were passing by. There were several times when one or all of us was close to tears, but we held it together.
It was hard for the officer, because he did the best he could and it wasn’t going to be enough. It was hard for me, because I have a son about that age at home and couldn’t imagine anything like this happening to him.
It was awkward because we were all hoping, but we also knew that it was going to take a miracle for that boy to live.
He was not granted that miracle.
Just like that, at a couple of minutes after 8pm, a five-year old boy was gone forever.
The sheet of paper, which I’ve seen way to many times, verified it. It’s the one with a line printed on it. When it’s completely straight, you’ve died. You’ve straight-lined, as they say.
I was done with being in the hospital. I wanted to leave.
To go back to my car, I had to walk past the same group of people who were in the waiting room when we walked past them earlier with the dying boy. Three little boys grabbed at me and asked me if that boy we carried in earlier was dead.
“Did he die, officer? Was that boy dead?” They asked me.
I got no help from their mom, as she was tending to a clearly sick kid of her own.
“Boys, he’s fine. He’s a strong boy, just like you guys.”
I felt bad lying, but it seemed easier than having to explain death to three strange kids all under ten years old.
I went to my car and grabbed a bunch of Dum-Dums from the bag I carry around. Mom was cool with me giving them suckers, and they left me alone about the dead boy they still thought was alive.
I couldn’t tell them that the boy who was about their same age had straight-lined.
Five-year olds shouldn’t straight line.
Why did this one?
Because of gun violence in the city.
The weather was nice so the people were out.
Some people were out with their guns.
Why did this boy have to die?
Was it disrespect?
Drugs?
A woman?
Money?
All stupid reasons to fire a gun anywhere near another human being, let alone children, but here we are again, with another child lost to violence.
We tried to save this boy.
The officer showed up and there was a hostile crowd of people, most of whom had nothing to do with the shooting, and most not even sure what they should be angry at. The were just angry because anger is easy. Patience is hard. Kindness in the face of adversity is hard. Understanding is hard.
Some chose to be angry at the police while others were taking video on their phone. Meanwhile, nobody was helping a child as he lay dying on the sidewalk from a bullet that had torn through his little body.
The officer fought through the angry crowd and put a dying boy he didn’t know in his car.
Did he have to do that?
No.
EMS was coming, but they were too far away. It was too risky to wait for them, so we raced that little guy to the hospital in record time. We had all sorts of cars shutting down the route to the hospital, just like we would were a fellow cop shot and in need of medical care. That’s about the highest honor we can give a person, and this boy deserved it.
Still, it didn’t matter on this night.
I truly believe that when it’s your time, it’s your time.
Five years shouldn’t be anyone’s time, but that’s not my call.
It’s queer, but I left hospital and went back in service to handle more calls. I had to handle some subsequent calls with a little dead boy freshly on my mind.
That’s the thing with policing. It never ends. You have to carry on, so I pretended to care about a car accident and a stolen bike when I just wanted to shout in their faces, “AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T DIE AT FIVE YEARS OLD FROM A BULLET THROUGH YOUR CHEST!!! I HAVE NO INTEREST IN YOUR BULLSHIT PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!”
But that’s not professional.
I’m wrapping this up having finished a six pack of Bud Light Lime and I just kissed all three of my own sleeping kids as well as my wife. I also laid on the ground and wrestled my dogs at 2 am, even though one of them is dying and has no interest in playing, and I have to work in the morning.
I’m still thinking about a boy I never met alive, and hoping he’s in a better place.
I’m looking at my own six year old’s homework folder and wondering if this dead boy has a homework folder in a backpack never to be turned in again. Will his mom see it when she gets home and cry? Did he have a lunch packed for the next day that will still be in the fridge this weekend to remind his family of a lunch that was never taken to school?
Did he go to kindergarten?
Will somebody have to explain to his classmates that they’ll never see this little guy alive again and why?
This is all too sad and it needs to stop.
Someone please figure out how.
don of all trades 
Thank you for sharing. I kept reading, and praying, that it would end differently. I hope it gave you some peace to share too.
So did I. I just knew they were going to call and said they revived him. It’s a shame that a five year old has to die like that. Praying for the family and especially the officer.
Oh, friend. Please know that I am moved by your piece. I won’t read the comments, though, because I can’t handle anyone else’s thoughts on the matter right now. I do know this: love wins. Every single time. It’s not always clear and it’s never, ever easy, but love always wins. You are a peace keeper and that’s a tough, impossible line of work. But love is what keeps you there. It doesn’t make sense and it’s often brutal and confusing, but love always wins. Every single time.
Thanks for sharing your heart. Your story will stay on my heart tonight.
Amen! LOVE WINS!
Sickening. Officer from the bottom of my heart I thank you and your fellow officers for taking on your roles everyday, It takes a very special gift from God to do what you do
This situation brings me to tears. I myself have a 6 year old daughter, and I just couldn’t even imagine this. Thank you to the Officers that responded to the little boy quickly, and God help his parents. This type of senseless violence HAS to stop. The same way people protested the shooting of Mike Brown, is the exact way we, as a community, need to rally against things like this. Bullets don’t have names on them, and sadly, we lost this little angel to street violence. #PeaceinthestreetsofSTL
It seems all so pointless, but, there is always hope. Even for the little boy who died. His story is being retold, and with that comes hope, hope that this will make an impact on some people. It did me..
Brother, I’m trying to find the words to describe my feelings on this. You have stated so well what others could never understand. Stay safe and keep up the good work! 1*
it’s easy to hate, hard to love, we need to love one another and teach our children that love is so much more.i only know that love and understanding is the answer, mabe someday people will understand
Sue, yes, it is harder to love than it is to hate. But! First to love others we must love ourselves. We must practice this, every day. We must find one good thing about ourselves every day and we must rejoice in that good thing.
don Miguel Ruiz has written a series of books about self love and self worth, and although I am not a follower of self help books, his first book The Four Agreements, should be standard reading in every school in the world. Have a look at it and you will see why.. It is common sense really, but unless we are taught common sense we have none. Humans are mimics. We learn by seeing others doing.
Thank you for your service. I am glad people like you can handle this type of job. God Bless. And prayers for the little boy and his family
I have tears in my eyes reading your story. You are so right that everyone has a time when they’ll go, but five years shouldn’t be anyone’s time. Thank you for working to keep the streets safe from scum like the one who shot that poor baby…
Usually I do not comment on these stories but I felt I had to. I am a retired RN and have worked the ER in a small hospital in our county. With tears rolling down my face, I wonder what this world would be like if not for officers like you and your buddies. That poor child did not deserve to die from a GSW at the age of five, or at any age. But fear and hatred is easier to express than kindness and love. Thank you and all police persons for their dedicated and wonderful job.
I pray you and your fellow officers find the strength to keep going. Peace and love to all of you.
My little brother was 23 when he got gun down and killed people to busy worried about what somebody else have being Jealous robbing and killing now our children is a victim to violence and I’m sick of it We need to take a stand this being going on to long I have six children I have a five year old daughter this got to stop if we don’t do anything about it trust and believe me God will
Wow. You captured “a day in the life of a Police Officer”. Thank you and God bless our Police Officers.
Dear Mr. Officer,
I am crying and in so much pain just reading your article. So I can imagine how you’re feeling, having to witness the death of a 5 year old child (baby) because that’s all he was. I just want to thank you for your service on that night with that child, and the one’s you encountered in the hospital waiting room. I know if this was my child you probably would have been rushing us both to the emergency room, the pain would be unbearable. I truly hope whoever did this senseless killing is brought to justice and pay dearly. I have 3 children, all are grown, I have raised them to respect the law as well as people in general, never been in trouble, I taught them to make wise decisions of the people they hang with, where they are hanging out at, and never be caught being guilty by association, if you’re not there you can’t be blame..Sir I am still afraid for my grown children in this day and time, no matter what I have instilled in them, some one could still just walk up and take their lives, Thanks for being there when all others were to blind and angry to see that precious life slipping away. I don’t know you, but I can say I appreciate you..
Brother, if ever you decide to put your “badge and gun” away, you definitely have what it takes to pursue a writing career. So sorry you had to endure that pain. My prayers go out for his caretakers and those that loved that young soul.
And rather than sharing this and looking at the sacrifices that cops make to protect all, we have to deal with the idiots shooting at them from the shadows. Thank you for trying to give another innocent life the chance to continue to grow. May God give both you and his family the peace and strength to get past this.
Thank you sir for sharing this with us. As a parent myself I had to fight back the tears as read this. I pray for you to find peace with this one day and I pray for your safety.
Thank you for writing something so hard to read, yet so necessary to be read. People don’t understand what we do, what we see and hear and smell and feel. Especially now they need to know. Thank you.
For the little boy and his family your in my prayers .For the police officer who went beyond his duties to save a life,I thank you with all my heart and please don’t let this be the cause of you not doing it again!!Cause I see you as a hero and a blessing to our community.Thank you again your my hero!!!!
I’m a ER trauma nurse, and I understand what you wrote at a gut level. Thank you for what you did. Every day you make a difference. Don’t give up.
Thank you for your service in the face of disrespect, and mounting adversity. I am sorry your service to your community causes you to encounter such heartbreak, and sadness. Thank you for always caring, and for doing everything you can in each circumstance you face. You are all appreciated.
Your story pulled tremendously at my heart strings. Thank you for sharing openly & honeslty. Thank you to you & your fellow officers for protecting our city! May this little boy who is unfortunately no longer with us on Earth be a little guardian angel to you & fellow officers.
Thank you sir! You did what any normal human being would do, care for a wounded child! God bless you.
You have a thankless job more often than not and you do not make much money, as I know this first hand having worked in this field. May God give you, your fellow brother’s and sister’s, and this little guy’s family some comfort and peace at this time. Thank you and your family for all you do. Always proud of that thin blue line. May God protect you and keep you in all your days.
Very tragic story as I myself have two little ones that I look after… I wanna say a great big THANK YOU to all the MEN and WOMEN of LAW ENFORCEMENT who everyday fulfill their duty to PROTECT & SERVE, most importantly a special big THANKS to you for going above and beyond your duties as an officer to PROTECT & SERVE!
This is so sad. I just don’t have words. No child should have to die, especially in such a senseless and violent way. THIS is what people need to be protesting. Where is all the outrage over this, and so many other innocent lives taken? I’m a stay at home mom right now, but before my son was born I was a ER nurse for many years. There is NOTHING worse than seeing a child die.
Thank you to all our police officers for what you do. I pray that you stay safe.
This is my nephew. He was born with kawasaki disease and was limited to the normal things that kids do everyday, like gym class. He couldn’t really eat foods/drinks with acid or were green. But those limitations didn’t stop my baby from being the happiest kid in the world! The day before, he had just had a minor surgery to check his heart and that day he had just went to have his blood drawen like he did every two weeks. His parents took them to the park on the first nice day we had had. Things went very wrong and now his parents are blaming themselves for taking their kids to the park that day. His older brother wishes that he could have traded seats in the car with him. So that his brother would have been hit in the leg instead of the chest. This 6 yr old kid was so full of life that nothing kept him down. He was always so loving and sweet. He loved to dance no matter what others thought of his moves. Even if he had been hurt or gotten into trouble, he didn’t allow those things from keeping his cute little face lite up with a smile. My nephew was a real example of what it was to live life to its full extent. – There is a hero that has not been mentioned in the news and that is a family friend who used his own body to cover the other kids. He was shot also. He is fine but we want the world to know that there was someone who put their life on the line for our family. We are very greatful for him being there and what he did.
So sorry for your family’s loss. What a lovely testimony you wrote about this boy –
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This is so sad. I just don’t have words. No child should have to die, especially in such a senseless and violent way. THIS is what people need to be protesting. Where is all the outrage over this, and so many other innocent lives taken? I’m a stay at home mom right now, but before my son was born I was a ER nurse for many years. There is NOTHING worse than seeing a child die.
Thank you to all our police officers for what you do. I pray that you stay safe.
This is just heart breaking, praying for all involved.
Thank you for your service to your community. As a retired NYC EMS Corpsman, I have seen the best and worst in the human. That child did not ask for his fate in any way shape or form, he is a victim, like so many others truly innocent. Please keep doing your job, as we all so need officers like you. Be safe, and again, thank you!
Thank you for writing.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for letting us in.
Thank you for adding light to a dark place.
Thank you for continuing to work.
Thank you for loving your family.
Thank you for protecting the people who don’t care enough to make a safe choice.
Mostly thank you for loving your fellow humans to daily risk everything.
Praying for your continued safety, physically and emotionally.
‘Blessed are the peacekeepers, for they shall be called the sons of God’ Mattew 5:9
Yes this needs to stop so please officers stop shooting and harassing our kids we would really appreciate it
what an idiot
I am sure all these ” kids ” are innocent. Maybe if these “kids” wouldn’t try to be so gangster and show some respect, not pull a gun on a cop, had some home schooling they wouldn’t get shot. Now I’m not saying all these. ” kids” but a hell of a lot of them.
Seriously you’re an ass…
Thanks DOAT. Beautifully told as is your way. It surprises me however that not one comment has mentioned US gun culture and the love of the gun. Maybe a credit to the power of your writing that you made it so personal and hence that’s the general focus of the comments. Or maybe everyone has just given up the ghost on that matter. And of course the many comments about love are all fine and well. But as an outsider looking in (European) it seems to me that US as a nation loves its guns more than it loves its kids. You know with 100% certainty that young kids will die every day from accidental or deliberate shooting. We can consider your young kid a metaphor for all his peers who have gone by similar means. But any meaningful suggestions to address the ‘guns in society’ issue are almost taboo at this stage. You have highest number of gun ownership in the world – and Yemen is Nr 2 for God sake. That should make everyone sit up and want to change the status quo. But vested interests and a cultural mindset have produced a nationwide mental paralysis on the issue it seems to me. Sorry to go all preachy. And maybe my comments are not so appropriate with so personal and heart breaking a story as you have told. But if people are not screaming their heads off about the obscenity of 300m guns in private hands in good ole USA then I for one have no interest in listening to any of their ‘we must show love’ nonsense. Less guns = less shooting = less death = more kids playing Softball = less kids lying very cold and very dead six feet under. It’s a no-brainer.
The problem isn’t private gun ownership Europerson. The problem is a large, urban underclass prone to violence & mayhem. Cut them out of the equation and the level of gun violence drops dramatically in the US. Funny how this fact always gets ignored by those who incessantly preach about the joys of being disarmed by their government.
Thanks Anonymous. We shall have to agree to disagree. If the ‘level’ drops, that still leaves you with a ‘level’ does it not? No level is acceptable for me. How many school shootings in USA have you & I witnessed in our lifetime? Too many. Nothing to do any underclass – just mentally sick people with easy access to weaponry.We Euros just don’t get it I guess.
I do not know how you men and women do this, day in, day out. But I’m here to thank you for finding the courage, the hope and the will to continue.
Thank you for sharing this. Please know we hope you can discuss this with someone that can help you through the grief. And there will be grief. God bless you.
Right up to the point where the author said ‘but nobody was helping a little boy that was dying on the sidewalk’, I was buying this story, hook line and sinker. Not anymore. Not everybody would be all angry with the cops and or on their phone. Not even even a neighborhood filled with death row inmates would be that cold. Maybe that is the only part of the story that is a lie but my gut says this is some fictitious story to help restore respect for cops or it is just somebody embarking on a new writing career. I am going to spend a lot time finding out the truth, if possible. Off to snopes I go.
Easier than I thought. The little boy was not ‘dying on the sidewalk with nobody helping’. He was shot in his family’s van with his mother and other family members. In coming back to this blog I see that the boy’s aunt posted about these facts as well. So for now Officer Re it would appear that the bulk of your story is true but what reason did you have for putting the bit about ‘nobody helping a dying boy’? Maybe the responding officer told you that part. Please share.
Most likely the child would have been removed from the van onto the sidewalk to begin treatment since most officers are trained as first responder for medical emergencies until EMS arrives. I’ve been a medic for 20 years and on several shootings and the average person does not know how to provide aid and usually freak out, so the notion that no one (except the police who were there first) were providing any real medical aid is completely feasible. Unless you were there, please stop assuming. You’re being a jerk. The best thing you can do is delete your comments.
So sad a story. One I hear way to often these days
Jesus, Don. What a hell of a day, literally a hell, of a day. Another family, another stark reminder of what matters. I’m so sorry and saddened for everyone in this one. I wish I could help undo it, but the only thing I can do is my best to help make someone else’s day better tomorrow. Thanks for this, and again I am in awe of how you still get back to what matters.
-Robyn
One thing about writing, it is good therapy. It can get a least a little bit of that hurt out of your system. Sometimes it takes a lot of writing, other times, not so much. The sad thing is, it doesn’t bring back little boys.
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Praying for respect to those that deal with daily takes a special person pray for all helpers and victims amen
This is a heart wrenching and heart warming story. Heart wrenching in the fact that an innocent little boy died. Heart warming because too many times police officers are accused or appear to be emotionless but this man was clearly bothered by the death of this 5 yr old child. I once heard…. No parent should ever have to bury their child! That was said to me after a drunk driver struck my daughter’s Mustang causing her to lose control and the car flipped and then slid for 100 feet. She was 17 at the time and my 15 yr old daughter was a passenger along with their two best friends (who happened to be brother and sister and my best friend’s kids) All three were pronounced dead at the scene. My oldest daughter, the driver, was the only survivor and even though she nearly lost her left arm, it’s a miracle she survived! I agree no one should have to bury their child because life just doesn’t seem fair at times but I too am a firm believer that when it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go. Those words and I love you were the last things my daughter said to me minutes before she died! If God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it!
Hi my name is Shaun Perkins here it is that I lost a lil cousin name lil maurce hate that you had to leave us so soon but you know that we love you down here hug and kisses and to the office that help my cousin to the hospital rightaway my gose out to you because you could have left my cousin right where he was love you lil cuz
As I’m reading your story, I just knew I wasn’t going to like where it was going.
I’d like to say I never cry, but this absolutely broke my heart and had me teary eyed.
It’s so easy for people to judge,and lash out to those who are trusted to keep us safe because they don’t know what it’s like to live with everyone else’s problems.
There’s so much I’d like to say to you.
To every officer out there.
You are not a hero because you wear that uniform. You are a hero because you are a better person than most. You care a lot. You love. You strive for a better future for not only you and your family,but for every family in your community. You constantly show a mix of compassion and strength, that helps hold people together in their time of weakness,in their time of need.
Not many people risk their lives for others,let alone strangers. But you do.
Not many people dedicate their days and nights trying to keep the streets safe. But you do.
Not many people know what it’s like to see everyone at their worst, but still hope for the best. But you do.
It must be hard to be forced into situations that had nothing to do with you,and having to live with regrets,asking yourself what you could have done differently, and what you should have done differently.
Must be hard to know what terrible things go on when *no one’s looking*, and not be able to help/save everyone you come in contact with.
I know how much it must hurt sometimes to be a cop because there are so many negative things going on,and so many negative voices shouting. It must be difficult to find beauty amongst such sadness. I hope that you always remember how proud I am(and others are) of you and every officer out there.
I hope you remember how much we appreciate everything you all do for us.
Please don’t let the voices of a few,speak for the many! Don’t let the negative voices be heard over the positive voices!
I believe that together,we can help make the world a better place to live because you all show me that this can be possible!
Thank you all for encouraging me to be a better person. Thank you for encouraging me to take responsibility for my actions. Thank you for keeping me and my kids safe. Thank you for being here every time I need you. You are the only people in the entire world that will come every time I call.(OK,so you kinda have to haha but I think you would anyways,even if you didn’t have to,because you’re all so awesome like that;p)
I could spend forever thanking you for everything you do. There is a lot. But most importantly, I’d like to thank you for being my real life hero’s.
Please don’t give up.
We need you more than you’ll ever know.
You have managed to transform the intangible “pain” into words on our pages. Thank you for bringing our pain and thoughts to life. Despite all the evil pitiful things going on in our community right now, you have brought to light the true love and glimmer of hope that St Louis and the whole world needs right now. Despite color, despite having the despised “badge” this officer picked up a little “human” child (not black or white or yellow or green) and loved him and helped him. To all of you nasty, self centered, bored, whatever, protesters and agitators, take a look at the stain that covers this officer’s badge. That is what this life is about it transcends race, age, conditions and circumstances. Take note, learn a lesson and open your heart to the idea that there has to be a better way. Long after that stain has been washed away from that uniform, the affects of that night will remain with him and all officers who witnessed, tucked away to resurface again and again triggered by some look, word, smell or condition that awakens it. There are no words that express thanks enough to all officers, deputies and just plain ol’ human beings who put aside their own prejudices to love and take care of other humans. May God bless and keep you safe.
Amen.
They want us to feel bad. They kill kids too. Brainwashers & murders. Get it together people.
This eloquently describes the real problem of driving around in cars without seat belts. My father was a sheriff who had to pick steering wheels out of torsos because the driver thought that not wearing a seat belt was kinda fun, and felt “free” and was his “right.” There was a genuinely needless slaughter happening until we finally enacted strict seat belt laws. Sure, people can still die in car crashes, but that sensible legislation has saved an estimated 255,000 lives since 1975.
Now let’s talk about guns. No? I didn’t think so.
Reblogged this on e-Roll Call Magazine.
As I sit here reading this, I cry. Tears for the city that was and is. Tears for the innocent lives taken way too soon. Tears for the families that have lost their young and tears for our police officers and what they have to face every day. I hurt for the young and what they are inheriting. People need to wake up and realize violence isn’t the answer. I pray for a safer today and tomorrow for everyone. God please continue to walk with us all and protect us from ourselves. God Bless the police officers as they go daily to do what few will do. Thank you to our police officers for what you do. Stay Blessed and protected.
Don, there are no words. I’d say I’m sorry that you’re part of this—but I’d be lying. We’d all be poorer if you didn’t care.
God bless you and your children, and all the children you do help.
Your writing is beautiful. Made me feel your pain. I am a retired RN from the emergency room. I know first hand how these kind of situations can tear you up inside and eventually lead to burn out. Keep writing officer, when you can tell a story so well that the person reading can feel what you feel, then you have a gift. Writing is a wonderful outlet.