I live in a fairly new subdivision where most of us bought homes because the school district is excellent (for public education in Missouri, that is).
That being the case, there are many many many kids living in the neighborhood.
Yesterday, it snowed and sleeted and rained and snowed until there were several inches of white stuff all about the ‘hood, including my driveway and walkway.
A truck came and plowed my street.
The truck was driven by a man I judged to be a member of the genus whiteish trasheous. He plowed three feet of snow right in front of my driveway and mailbox, thus allowing me to judge him without guilt, sure that I was correct in my judgment.
I was out of beer, but thankfully, I have wonderful neighbors who like to workout and abhor carbs. They had beer in their garage fridge and gave it to me so I’d go away and leave them to their P90X or Insanity or protein shakes or whatever they were enjoying for fun.
I went away and stood on the street, surrounded by snow and sleet and adults shoveling their own driveways.
I waited and drank my beer.
I waited some more.
I drank and waited a little more.
I was waiting for sturdy, young neighborhood children.
Sturdy, young neighborhood children never came. It was getting dark.
I drank some more and became sad.
I was sad because it had become clear that I was going to have to shovel the snow from my own driveway. Oh, the humanity!!
All the other neighbors had cleared theirs, so it HAD to be done. I didn’t want to be the only one with a driveway that hadn’t been shoveled. Honestly, were nobody else to have shoveled theirs, I wouldn’t have either, but they all did.
Had even one neighbor not done it, I could have lived with snow on mine as well.
So I shoveled the snow from the walkway. I drank my beer. I shoveled half the driveway then drank more beer. Then I cleared the three foot wall of snow that the asshole with the snowplow had placed in front of my driveway.
Then I drank more beer and cleared the rest of the snow.
This whole time, no young people came to clear my driveway.
They come when they want me to buy their cookies for their troop.
They come when they want me to buy pizzas for their team or candy for their school.
Oh, they come when it’s Halloween…in droves!
But, when there was work to be done and money to be made, they did not come.
Why? Why children, didn’t you come?
I am almost 40, flabby, out of shape…
I eat red meat and fried chicken wings and chunks of cheese. Sometimes I fry the chunk of cheese before I eat it.
I am a prime candidate to drop dead of a heart attack at any moment. Do you care? Does that concern you at all?
Do you know that shoveling snow in the cold is an ideal time for an almost 40, flabby, out of shape man who likes red meat and wings and fried cheese to drop dead of a heart attack?
I have babies you know. I have a 9 year old girl and a four year old boy and another boy who is 1.
They could have lost their daddy to the snow shoveling.
They are so young and need my fatherly guidance, yet you did not care!
What about the Spiders Tball team that I will coach next month? Who would have coached those 10 boys were I to have died shoveling all that snow because you never came?!!
Where were you?
You did not have school! I know this for a fact! They called off school the night before, when it hadn’t even snowed a single snowflake yet!
You could have planned to make a lot of money by shoveling snow, but you never showed!
I used to love snow days. My friends and I would wake early and fight over who would shovel which driveway. No adult who didn’t want to had to worry about dropping dead while shoveling snow when I was a sturdy young lad. That was our pledge as kids.
Do you have a job already and not need money? Surely, you didn’t plan to work during school hours. Do you have a magic money fairy that brings you money when you need tacos or gas or Boone’s Hill wine? Do your parents just give you money so you’ll leave them alone?
I know you have important things to do instead of earning money by shoveling my snow. Those Templars are trying to take over the universe in that Assassin’s Creed game, and who will kill them if you don’t? Was it World of Warcraft that you played instead? Perhaps you had to catch up on your Family Guy episodes which mom was tired of having take up space on her DVR.
Well, whatever the case may be, I just wanted to make sure that you were aware that I was able to clear my driveway, and my walkway, and the three foot wall of snow, without suffering a massive heart attack.
I shoveled and drank my beer and shoveled and did not leave a widow or fatherless children, no thanks to you!
But, I am not vindictive and I wanted you to be able to sleep peacefully at night.
Sleep well, you lazy bastards. Sleep well even though you didn’t work a lick and shouldn’t be tired, knowing that I am safe and will live to shovel again.