Winery confidence…how not to be that guy, sort of.

I knew I was drunk because I had my bare ass freshly pressed against the back window of the rental van aimed at a convertible corvette that may or may not have been in sight of the van at this point. Showing my ass literally is not a part of my usual MO. Figuratively, yes, but I do normally keep my bertcheeks where they belong. Alongside me, also with his ass pressed to the window, was an otherwise normally sane neighbor of mine.

What caused us usually fine, upstanding members of society (well, my neighbor anyway, he’s a pharmacist) to bare our asses to Joe Corvette and his lady passenger?

Winery trip…

Whoever thought of opening wineries to the public is brilliant.

I assume that most people in this country now have wineries within driving distance of their homes. Our local wineries are close enough to make a day of it, but just far enough away that a designated driver is a must. If there are people out there who visit wineries without being tabbed the designated driver but can still see straight when they’re leaving, I’m impressed!

I remember being in law school and awaiting an evening class at my favorite watering hole just across the street once when three or four tour busses pulled up and parked across from the bar. Hordes of college kids exited the busses and promptly began stumbling face first into the grass. Some didn’t make it to the grass and fell flat onto the street or sidewalk. Still others began urinating right there on the sidewalk in the middle of the afternoon. One couple was about to have sex, and several others had their bare asses pressed against the bar windows because they weren’t being allowed in for various (obvious) reasons.

It was one of the craziest scenes I’ve ever witnessed. Part of its craziness stemmed from the fact that it wasn’t even 5 pm yet and there were a couple hundred kids stumbling drunk like a bunch of zombies in such an urban setting. By the time campus security arrived, the level of silly had reached its zenith. The kids that remained had only done so because they were too hammered to figure out where to go or even how to go about getting wherever it was they wanted to go. They were like sheep without their shephard dog and they had just returned from a few hours at a winery.

I had a good laugh and went to class. Only at a Jesuit school would that be tolerated. Well, it was mostly tolerated I think. It was near graduation time, and I think everyone at a university is more pleasant around the end of May when the end is in sight.

Those kids had the right idea in that they didn’t drink and drive, so kudos to them. I assume that like me, most of those kids aren’t regular wine drinkers, so the wine hit them unexpectedly and pretty hard. Still, they made it home in one piece, and at their age, that’s an accomplishment.

For those of you out there who’ve never been to a winery, I highly recommend it! Don’t worry about feeling out of place because you ain’t no wine snob, there are always plenty of others in the same boat as you. Just to give you head’s up though, here’s a Cliff’s Notes list of tips to get you through your winery day.

  • Who’s driving? Make sure it isn’t you and try to make sure it’s not one of your idiot friends who drinks as much as or even more than you like to. Find a pregnant wife or girlfriend or somebody who’s found Jesus and doesn’t drink anymore, because most of these wineries are nowhere near where you live. Even if they were, driving 100 feet in your future condition is not a good idea. Many of these wineries are in small towns and we all know how small towns like to make revenue from traffic related violations, right? Trying to decide at the end of the day “who’s the least drunk and therefore, logically most able to drive?” is not the best way to get home safely.
  • Lube yourself with some lighter fair. No matter what sort of event you’re attending, if it involves pre-event drinking, it has to be awesome! Drinking before you get to the winery is a no brainer, so ice up a cooler with beer and soda for the driver and get your pre-drink on for the hour or so drive to the winery. Drinking before drinking is a guarantee that you’re going to have fun while you’re drinking.
  • Whoah there though; pace yourself big fella! You have several hours of wine drinking ahead of you and you’ve skipped breakfast? Try not to exceed a six pack on the ride there, just in case your friends can’t be trusted to carry you back to the van and lock you in there safe and sound in a couple of hours after you’ve vomited and passed out on a patio in front of a family with small children after telling the dad that his 7 year old daughter was going to grow up to be “smokin’ fuckin’ hot.” There’s always somebody in the group who thinks it’d be funny to shave your head or draw a penis in permanent marker on your face. Make sure you outlast that guy at least.
  • Order something you can pronounce first. You don’t want to sound like a buffoon right away to the first bartender you encounter, so when asking for that first sample, keep it simple. Ask to sample the “house char-don-ay” if you’d like a white wine, or a “house mer-low” to get some red in your system. The point isn’t to order something you’ll necessarily enjoy this time, but to get something in your hand without drawing attention to yourself as being an idiot who knows nothing about wine and is only there to get tanked.
  • Now find a douchebag. You’re going to want to take your successfully acquired sample of wine and nestle near Mr. and Mrs. Douchebag for some wine education. They’ll be the couple who showed up in a Corvette or BMW or Mercedes station wagon but are spending the afternoon doing the same thing as your dumb, broke ass, so they’re not that cool after all. They probably took some classes on wine drinking in the hopes that they won’t sound like douchebags, but their attire gives them away. You’ll know them when you see them and they’ll be taking all of the bartender’s time asking him or her questions that they already know the answers to. Eavesdrop on their conversation about the 6 wines this shitty Missouri winery offers and you’ll know all you need to know to order future wine samples with confidence.
  • That’s wine pal, not beer or Kool-Aid! They, whoever they is, say that beer drinkers shouldn’t drink wine, in part, because they drink it the same way they do beer. First off, shut the fuck up whoever you are! I don’t drink wine from 12 oz cans so you’re totally incorrect. Beer chuggers do, however, sometimes forget that we’re they’re drinking a more potent beverage in wine and get to chugging instead of sipping. We, er those people will feel fine for about an hour or so, but at some point, those 2 bottles of wine on top of the 5 beers you had on the ride to the winery will hit you from out of nowhere!
  • Let’s eat! There will come a point in time where the experienced drunk will know that he or she has reached the point in the road where it forks. The road less traveled will be taken by switching to water and laying off the booze for a couple of hours. Your well traveled road taking ass, however, knows nothing of that other direction and will continue to drink wine, knowing full well that you’ve now reached a point where tomorrow is a lost day. That’s ok though, you’re having fun, but let’s fill our belly just to help ease that pain a little bit. While crackers and cheese probably isn’t going to do much to defend your brain cells from being overrun by the much stronger wine molecules, it’s better than nothing. Most wineries serve food nowadays, so try to find something that doesn’t sound completely queer and eat it. Bread, sausage, cheese, birdfeed, it doesn’t matter, just get something into your system.
  • Go home now! Hey, the winery is fun, but it isn’t meant to be fun for more than 4 or 5 hours. If you’ve not wasted time talking or walking around aimlessly, and have been sampling and buying wines for 4 hours, you should be plenty hammered now. When you slap your wife on the ass and tell her she looks bootiful and it turns out you’ve just slapped some guy named Steve on the ass and not your wife, then it’s time to go. Find the driver and nestle into your spot on the van. If the others aren’t ready then fuck em. Drink the rest of the beer in the cooler until you’re confident that you’re drunk enough that you’re willing to press your ass against the back window for those people right behind you to admire without giving it a second thought.

Have fun and be careful my friends!

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72 Responses to Winery confidence…how not to be that guy, sort of.

  1. I would offer to be a designated driver on one of these adventures, but I’m too afraid of puking that might happen in my car! πŸ™‚

    • Boy, I sure wish I had a Mormon closer to me at my disposal! Too many Catholics around here and ain’t none of them volunteering to not drink!

      • hahaha! Yeah, when I was in college at Texas A&M, let’s just say I was ALWAYS the designated driver and I can’t tell you how many parties I went to where I sat next to a drunk person telling me how much they admire me for not drinking. Ha!

  2. Mike says:

    This might be one of your most classy posts yet. Augusta is probably not the same post-Don.

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. Amber Perea says:

    I have never been on a Winery Tour. There, I said it, and now you can bash me mercilessly.

    I have no idea why…I think the lack of ever knowing anyone ever that would drive would be the biggest issue! I never throw up, Meridith, so your next visit to Texas, how about a DD for your favorite blogging buddy? Tempted? πŸ˜‰

  4. Wow in the first paragraph you said you were Freshly Pressed. Is that a subliminal message to wordpress?

    • Lol. My original title had “freshly pressed” in it, but I realized it before publishing and took it out. I prefer to remain bitterly never freshly pressed. Surely you can appreciate that.

      • Yep. I can. I did a Bitterly pressed one not long ago and thought of passing it around like those stupid Leibster awards. No one would know if they were legit anyways. Know what is weird? Why no one seems to follow Sass and Balderdash anymore. Her stuff is great, but noone really “likes” it. Am I the only one that sees that?

      • I noticed that when I guest posted and just assumed that her regulars didn’t like my little story, but now that you say that, yes, she doesn’t seem to have a lot of regular likers. Strange, I like her beef with the world.

      • It’s weird. I’m always telling people about her site. Maybe she just doesn’t care about it as much as I do.

      • Katie says:

        Oh gosh! I commented before I realized there was actually something about me in this comment chain so now I care a tiny bit more.

        I don’t have regular likers, and here’s another interesting fact: I don’t think WordPress puts my posts in the categories they belong to like they used to. So you know how if you tag with humor it shows up under humor blogs and WordPress users who are looking around come across your blog? Nope. I don’t think my blog shows up there anymore.

        It’s probably a combination of that and my subpar content.

      • Hey! I’m a regular liker! I don’t like it if I didn’t like it, but I read them all. I’ve noticed my posts not showing up sometimes in those categories as well. Oh well.

    • Katie says:

      I’m glad we’re noticing the same things.

  5. merbear74 says:

    Ah wineries..I have so many stories of drunken debauchery, but have never pressed my burtcheeks against a plane of glass. You sir are epic!

  6. Mocha says:

    You know I got scolded by a Mrs douchebag at a winery for not cleaning my ‘palate’ before sampling a next serving of wine. I had no idea what the hell was a ‘palate’ and how i should clean it…but of course she gave me an education…at the end of her BS, I told her that I just came to get drunk…she gave me one of the deadliest looks i’ve seen in my ife…
    funny as hell post….

    • Lol. Palate. There’s always a douchebag to be spotted. She probably spit the win out instead of drinking it. I’d yell Party Foul!! If I saw that. I hope you got drunk and nobody drew on your face.

  7. tric says:

    We have no wineries in Ireland. We go to the pub! I did go when I lived in oz but guess what I hit the jackpot when i met my other half…… he doesn’t drink! Always designated driver.

    • You’d think Ireland would be laden with grape vineyards! I thought you didn’t drink either? A man who doesn’t drink? Hmmm, sounds suspicious. An Irish man even moreso!

  8. Maggie O'C says:

    Reblogged this on Someone Fat Happened and commented:
    I’m starting to hyperventilate about the wedding so I can’t post. Here’s from my pal Don, who is me in a man costume.

  9. paulheels says:

    Sounds like you need some Beard in your next winery trip. Good times to be had. Yessir

    • Sounds good to me, unless you’re that guy who like to draw penises on faces. Bring some of that bbq and you’re in. Just FYI, it takes me months to grow any semblance of a beard. It’s one of my many shames.

      • paulheels says:

        Nope, i can not draw for shit. I like to hug though. I can bring all the bbq that we can carry. If you just let your beard grow, then it will be awesome one day. No SHave Never!

    • BBQ and hugs. You sound like my kind of drinking pal, Beard!

  10. steve says:

    do they have wine lime?

  11. Michelle says:

    Find a pregnant lady or someone who found Jesus……I love the way your mind works! I’ve never been to a winery, but you make it sounds appealing!!!

  12. mollytopia says:

    Awesome, hilarious post! I LOOVE people who are generally upstanding, and then do completely inappropriate shit without warning. I’ve never been to a wine tasting. Clearly I’m blowing it. I will rectify that pronto. Yay you!

    • Oh my, yes! You must fritter away an entire Saturday getting hammered on wines you don’t really like that much while pretending you do and then spend all of Sunday and possibly much of Monday morning recuperating. It’s that much fun!

  13. ksujulie says:

    This is hilarious. The only thing I learned in Napa is “yes, yes I do like wine. All of them. Thank you, may I have another.” I need to try the Missouri wines now.

    • Hmmm, after Napa I’d guess you’d be very disappointed with the wine, but you and husband can dress like trash at any restaurant and not be judged. πŸ˜‰

  14. sassypanties says:

    You are my hero, Don. For many reasons, but the one that sticks out is your amazing ability to throw a “shit the fuck up” in the perrrrrrfeeeeect spot.

  15. lisanewlin says:

    I follow all of your suggestions whenever I go to the wineries, and I can tell you that I have a grand time. We usually rent a bus, and it’s so much fun. You can slam beer on the way there, so you’re already drunk when you arrive. (Isn’t that the only way to arrive at a winery? I wouldn’t know what to do if I showed up there sober.)

    Every winery trip I’ve taken has resulted in significant parts of the day “missing’ from my brain, and some sort of awesome story about me doing something ridiculous.

    Ah…now I’m nostalgic about wineries. I hope to plaster my butt cheeks against a window soon. πŸ™‚

  16. barbtaub says:

    Open apology to Don’s wife: “I’m so sorry that the couple in the mid-life moment corvette turned out to be your parents. But I’m sure they couldn’t possibly have recognized Don’s… What birthmark? Well… lots of people could have… Hey! How do your parents know about the birthmark?”

  17. Nicholiovich says:

    Wining once caused me to lose one of my favorite thongs and sent my cousin swimming in gravy at the buffet. Only awkward moment was that this was at a first holy communion reception.

  18. “Now find a douchebag.” Up until now I have followed your advice to the letter. I’m beginning to wonder if that was wise.

  19. Hilarious and useful tips! Can I please come with you next time you go to a winery?

  20. Kerri says:

    Find a pregnant wife or one that loves Jesus. You just cannot put a price on tips like that!

    • Lol, they are both wonderful! People who’ve found Jesus are the ones you need to find. Lots of us drunks love Jesus, but the ones who’ve found him tend to be the non drinkers.

  21. Welcome to NC! The home of the scuppernong grapes. Where sloshing and fermentation go hand in hand, well maybe that might be the glass. I can’t faintly remember. Where even the best sweet tea is served in the finest wine glasses.
    Where grape vines are practically grown in every backyard and wine made in every household. Shoooot. Wineries. Yes and indeed!!!

    • Oh, I like my sweet tea in a mason jar. I’ve never been tanked in NC; it’s on my list!

      • Oh you MUST! We even have WINE FESTIVALS! It’s a drunk weekend lemme tell ya.
        Now, the “other wine” (the kind that takes on a shine) is also avail. You just gotta know somebody that knows somebody that trusts somebody.
        You probably won’t be mooning anyone. You’ll probably just need a friend. The atty kinds.
        BUT should you make across the Beautiful line of NC and the all inclusive WOLFPACK NATION ( yes, my daughter is graduating from NCSU Saturday in AG Ed -honors grad too- she knows wineries) please take note we are not too fond of the unc ‘ers. πŸ˜‰
        Come on over and hang out. It’s awesome here by the Outer Banks.

  22. I used to work at a winery which was located on the outskirts of the town I live in. Wine is great fun unless you overindulge; nothing worse than a red wine hangover!! Funny stuff. . . keep that ass under wraps!!

  23. Julie DeNeen says:

    I’m dying. That was Hilarious. Thank you for linking up with the Humor Me Blog Hop!

    • Oh, don’t die, Julie! I’m always glad to hear that a person chuckled at something I wrote! Thanks for having me, it’s been a great way to show off posts that I wrote when I had 4 followers and the other bloggers have been awesome.

  24. canigetanotherbottleofwhine says:

    I think I was on that tour bus – maybe not, we were on our way to a Jimmy Buffett concert. But we poured out of that bus like your description. 20-somethings on all-fours throwing up, making out on top of the bus (that was me), beer-bonging in groups…did we even hear Jimmy Buffett? Good times! Gives me something to put in my blog. πŸ™‚ Thanks for linking up!!

  25. I must get to a winery- and follow all your rules. Sounds like you know how to have a good time!

  26. Terrye says:

    Since grapes don’t grown well in Alaska, we usually had pub crawls going to ALL of the micro breweries. And they always served the best, greasiest foods. Oh yes…a faithful partaker was usually still hung over (or more usually still drunk) at work on Monday. πŸ˜‰ You would fit right in my friend.

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