Go dog go! why babies are oodles better than doodles.

I enjoy reading posts written by many different types of bloggers. Many of my favorites are parents who are trying, mostly half-assed, to raise kids like my wife and me.  Some are written by people who enjoy traveling to places I’ll never go (sorry third world countries), or who have a mental illness or disease that the blogger is able to poke fun of or who inspire me just by living the way they do.  Others I like because the writing is excellent or because the blogger has some sort of talent that I don’t, like poetry or photography or art or being able to walk and chew gum at the same time.

But some blogs I like have none of that.  Some are simply entertaining because the person writing them is entertaining.  You know those sorts of people, right?  They could write a post about sitting in their cubicle and doing nothing at work for 8 hours, post a picture of their stupid “I hate Mondays” coffee mug sitting on their desk, and you’d like the post because something about it is just the funniest thing you’ve ever seen.  Their blogs aren’t necessarily about anything in particular, they’re just funny.  I’m not saying these bloggers are without talent or that they’re boring at all, no, far from it.  In fact, one of my favorite blogs is put out (Giggity!) by one of these entertaining people.

Her name is Jules and her blog is right here.  I smile when I see a post in my reader because I know it’ll entertain me every time.  Well, almost every time, but we all post clunkers now and then though.

No offense to the bloggers I regularly follow and comment with, because you know I love you all, but I fancy myself a bit of a trailer trash blogger.

I seem to be drawn to other bloggers who, like me, have a limited number of followers, many of whom are their own family members, friends or neighbors.  Most of these bloggers curse and complain about life and parenting and lack of funds or their spouses and they don’t post pretty pictures of food they’ve cooked or clean rooms in their house because what they’re serving probably came from Domino’s or a can and isn’t that pretty and they have to eat it in a house that looks like people (with kids) ACTUALLY LIVE THERE!  I told Jules I’d be nice, but I’m sorry, if you have multiple kids and a clean house then I hate your face.  My wife hates your face too!

Well, some of us have posted pics of the food we’ve served the kids in our messy kitchens while momma was away getting her hair did or drinking her troubles away.

419724_10200378444693959_353513730_n

That’s right, frozen pizza and beer.  It’s probably 10:57 pm on a Tuesday in this picture as well, so what?  And yes, I like Bud Light Lime!  I’ve heard all the jokes, but you’re welcome to try an original jab, if you’re so inclined.  Feel free to throw one in the comments.

I like bloggers who are engaging and who are good sports about things without being all uppity and douchey.  Generally, popular bloggers are less responsive to comments from little people and don’t take the time to acknowledge that other people exist outside of their own personal Mount Olympus of Bloggers.

Go Jules Go is different though.  I’d say that she’s very popular here in WordPress land for sure.   She’s also a good sport and has always responded to my snarky comments on her blog even though I’m not one of her many husbands or uber-popular lady friend bloggers.

I don’t even remember where I first ran across her blog.

She is everywhere, so it’s hard to pinpoint.

Freshly Pressed?

Yes, she has been.

Recommended Humor Blog?

Yes.

Featured on the Daily Post?

Yes.

Even Featured on Freshly Pegged?

Yes!

You hate her already, right?

Yeah, me too.

Well, I tried to hate her at least, but you know what?

She’s not so bad.  She’s really pretty funny, semi-talented and fairly nice as well.  Especially for a New Jersian.

She can sing.

She gives things away.

Her first husband blogs too, for God’s sake!

She’s one of those folks other people just enjoy being around.  She’s sort of like me in that respect, minus the cursing, ranting and mustard stained shirts.

I guess my many snarky comments to her over the past several weeks about her effeminate dog finally pushed her too far though, because she cornered me on the interwebz and demanded that we co-host a sort of challenge post whereby she would try to convince me that I should want to own a doodle dog very badly and that I would do my best to convince her that she should want to have a baby or babies, also very badly!

I’m assuming that she must have lost her last blog off with her 3rd husband The Byronic Man when they wasted their time arguing about Glee even though everyone knows that show totally blows.  Why else would she be slumming for the likes of me to contest such an important issue?? This is like a heavyweight boxer tangling with a lightweight, figuratively speaking, of course.

Her ego must need a boost, and I’m always willing to help a friend in need.

Jules has over 4,000 followers!  When I looked yesterday, it was under 4000,  She did nothing on her blog the past couple of days but somehow managed to add nearly 20 more followers.  Geez!

4,000 compared to my 200 is a lot, and I know most of her followers are going to blindly side with her because she’s a woman and she’s funny and she’s cute and she’s got a great personality and they all love dogs and she says funny things like doodle and she gives them free stuff and they’re all her chipmunks, blah, blah, blah, etc.!

Look, I get that you all love her, but please hear me out and then help me convince her that she needs to put that dog of hers in a pen in the yard just for a little bit or lock him in the basement, or let him watch, whichever, but she should start working on makin’ her some babies now!

My strongest ally in this “discussion” is my true love for all God’s babies.  I have passion for my subject matter, so I can preach on about it with unwavering conviction.  I have the passion of a Southern Baptist preacher sounding off against the sins of evil that offend his God on my side!  Hallelujah, everyone, can I get an AMEN!!!

No?  Oh, ok, well poop.

Anyway, yeah, I’m a grown man and I just said that I love babies.

I’m not ashamed of that!

Lots of men love babies, right?

Who doesn’t love babies for God’s sake?

I’ll tell you who doesn’t love babies.

This devil thing doesn’t love babies.

I hate babies!

I hate babies!

And this guy very much does not love babies unless they’re in his belly!

Get in ma belly!

Get in ma belly babay!

And neither does this woman.  She does not love babies.

I love my duckets but not no babies!

I love my duckets but not no babies!

That’s Jules all right.  Look at her flaunting the fact that being childless allows her to have disposable dollar bills that I can only dream of possessing.

Crap….sorry, ignore that, I’m supposed to be arguing that babies rock and that you want them!

Jules does not love babies, in part, because she has exhausted all of her love on this…….this thing….Not the man in the mirror, the four legged thing.

29722_460001968135_6509963_nPretty disgusting, right?  Look how it just lets the water run in the sink like there’s an unlimited supply of clean water in the world. La-di-da-doodle dog!

While her doodle wastes water and looks like a sewer rat in the bath, my own beloved boys share bath water so as to not be wasteful and they even have a funny Ed Grimley routine that’s the envy of any wet dog in the bathtub related show!

Bath time is great, just great I muss say!

Bath time is great, just great I muss say!

She calls her doodle dog Uncle Jesse.

So now you’re thinking, awe, he’s named after Uncle Jesse, that’s sweet.  I thought the same thing too, and almost started liking the dog, but we were mislead!  He’s not named after the greatest Uncle Jesse ever.

Hey, I'm Uncle Jesse, not that other twerp!

Hey, I’m Uncle Jesse, not that other twerp!

Nope, he’s named after this scallywag of an Uncle Jesse.

Kiss me and you'll grow up to be anorexic and addicted to drugs!

Kiss me and you’ll grow up to be anorexic and addicted to drugs!

Uncle Jesse the dog is some sort of doodle dog.  My understanding is that a doodle dog is some breed of any potentially awesome dog mixed with a poodle.  I know, right??  Why ruin a cool dog by crossing it with a surly, uppity, snobby French dog like that??

Well, even if some of you think that Uncle Jess is cute, he’s certainly not as cute as a baby. I mean come on!  I ain’t no looker, but even I can make a cute baby.  See that fella below?  He’s mine.  Isn’t he just darling?  So precious.

Please tell me I'm pretty!

Please tell me I’m pretty and that Don isn’t my real father!

What?  You’re on the fence still?

Well, Jules wasn’t convinced either, so she proposed we come up with a 10 pack of reasons why our preferred beast is better than the other’s.  Her argument that her silly dog is preferable to having darling children is right here.  I’m shaking my head just typing that nonsense.

In the name of all that is good with humankind, I eagerly accepted the challenge and now, in a mostly non foul-mouthed way (you’re welcome GoJulesGo readers) I present to you…

My 10 fairly unconventional reasons (in no particular order) why Jules, and maybe you too other doodle owners, should ditch the doodles for some youngin’s.

Now before we get to gettin’ on this list, please know, ye lovers of all things canine, that I’m not a dog hater by any stretch of the imagination.  I don’t want any hate mail please!  I’ve got one of these at home in addition to my kids:

Pfft...Doodle please!

Pfft…Doodle please!

That’s Jojo Dancer, the DOAT clan’s pooch. She’s been with me for all of her nearly 12 years and is still going strong.  That’s what a real dog looks like.  I’m not anti-dog, but I’m outing myself right now as being anti-doodle. I’m sorry Peppermeister, but no man should have to answer the question “What kind of dog is that you have there?” by uttering anything that has the world doodle in it!  You may as well just put your testicles on the end of that leash, because you’re clearly not using them properly, if you’re walking around with a doodle dog.

So, with that cleared up, here are 10 reasons why having children is preferable to doodle dogs!

  1. Your biological success means your mother isn’t a biological failure! You love your mother, don’t you, Jules?  Here’s something from the internet.  You can Google it, if you think I’m lying.

Question:  How do you define biological success?

Answer:  The definition of (individual) biological success is having offspring who also reproduce. In other words it’s a headcount of grandchildren.

images (2)

They can’t put anything that isn’t true on the internet!

Your mother had you, Jules.  Who knows how or why?  My guess is that it involved a box of Franzia, a drive in viewing of Raiders of the Lost Ark (Harrison Ford did it for the ladies back then), and the back seat of a 1981 Olds Cutlass, but how it happened isn’t relevant.    The point is that their beautiful, probably sticky love created you.  Now, to ensure that your very own mother can be deemed a biological success, you must produce at least a single, viable offspring.  Nature is beautiful like that, which leads to point number 2.

2. Ummmm, so you do know where babies come from, right? Toss them pills or condoms or circadian rhythm calendars into the trash can and start enjoying your marital duties the good old-fashioned way, without the guilt or shame or fear that comes with worrying that you’ll end up pregnant!  Once you embrace the consequences of making the beast with two backs as desirable, you’ll be able to get wild and crazy whenever and wherever you want!  It’s liberating and just lots of gosh darned fun!

3.  You have a uterus, so you should use it!  If you have a perfectly healthy uterus and you’re not trying to fill that thing with babies, then why lug it around at all?  You wouldn’t go and buy a fancy Louis Vuitton purse and then just chuck it into the back of your closet, would you?  God gave you that thing instead of a penis because he trusted that you’d use it for what he intended, not let it shrivel up like a raisin.  If women stop using their uterus for what it was intended, then I think Darwinian evolution dictates that eventually they’ll mutate into something like another stomach and then what?  Women will get fat and your food bills will become outrageous!

You don't want your lady parts to look like this, right?

You don’t want your lady parts to look like this, right?

4.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  You’ve heard this saying before, haven’t you Jules?  It’s totally true!  If you’re away from Uncle Jesse for 5 minutes because he’s out in the yard peeing all over your tulips or digging up your husband’s peppers, you might miss him a little bit and scratch his head when he comes back in to show your love.  But what if you left town and didn’t see him for weeks or months even?  You’d be Sooooooo excited to see him when you got back, right?!

Well, the same is true for your other true love!  No, not bacon, dear.  You’re not fooling anybody into thinking bacon or your husbands are your next true love after your dog.

You needn’t be ashamed to admit that in between your doodle and your husbands, your second true love is alcohol.  It’s quite ok, really.

Proof?

Look at me with my pornographic (XXX?) beer!

Look at me with my pornographic (XXX?) beer!

More.

Where's the booze?

Where’s the booze?

Here’s some more booze, Jules!

Classy ladies drink wine.

Classy ladies drink wine.

And finally here as well.  Oh my!

Less classy ladies to this...

Less classy ladies do this…

While this may seem like a negative, it’s really not!  Delaying gratification is a wonderful practice and since you’ll be such an awesome mother, you’ll not drink for 9 months of your pregnancy, well, 8 months I guess since you’ll probably not know right away.

So after the darling little one is born, that first drink you take will either be sooooooo good, or you’ll just hate it and never want to drink again.  Sounds like a win/win either way to me!

5. You’re a blogger.  Pretty soon your friends are going to be done getting married and Uncle Jesse will have a bad hip and spend his days laying around licking his private parts because he can , and then what will you write about?  Nobody wants to read more than one or two posts about the time your dog ate its own poop (yeah, they do that!) or dry humped your mother in law’s leg.  When you have kids, you’ll have an over abundance of blog material!  They look cute, post.  They poop all up their backs and spit up all over your front, post.  They say something stupid, post.  They say something funny, post.  Everything a kid does is a potential post!  And the same exact incident can be written to be funny or sad or anywhere in between.  Look at all I got in under 24 hours once with just my youngest!

6.  Kids suck at tic tac toe and checkers.  When’s the last time you won a game of tic tac toe?  If you’re playing with anyone over 6, I’d hope the answer is that it’s been a long time.  They all end in cat’s games, and ties suck nearly as much as losing!  Well, this isn’t the case when you play your own little ones!  They’re mostly stupid up until a certain age and can be beaten nearly every single time!  Not just tic tac toe either, you can whoop them in checkers, cards, the Wii, foot races, breath holding contests…I mean they are terrible at almost everything!!!  It’s a real confidence booster to blow past your 4 year old in a 50 yard dash and be able to yell “WHooooOOO!  In your face, boy (or girl)!!!” every.single.time.

7.  Just playing is fun.  You don’t even have to beat the pants off your kids to enjoy being with them, because just playing these games is reason enough to have kids.  People think you’re a little silly when you color on the place mat in restaurants with no kids at your table, but with a kid in tow, color away!  Sorry, but you can’t bring dogs into most restaurants.  Coloring is as fun as you remember it being.  I often notice my childless neighbors watching me enviously while I do fun things with my kids outside.  They don’t get to fly kites or play with remote control cars or ride their bicycles.  While they’d never admit that they’re bummed about the social stigma of playing kid’s games sans the kids, it shows on their sad, sad faces.

8.  Life isn’t always just about you.  I know that this one may be a hard one for you to hear, Jules.  If you’re not having babies because you think that it’s going to affect YOUR life so much, then you’re just being selfish, and nobody likes a Selfish Sally!

Do you know what your mother and your mother in law’s hearts will look like with grand children?  Or with even just a singe grand child?!!

Something like this.

Gosh I just love my grand babies so much!

Gosh I just love my grand babies so much!

Here’s what they’ll look like when you’re in your mid 30’s and it’s become painfully obvious to them that you have no plans to procreate.

Oh god, why!!!??? Just one grand baby is all I wanted!!

Oh god, why!!!??? Just one grand baby is all I wanted!!

It hurts to see, doesn’t it?  Imagine how their poor little hearts feel inside their little old lady bodies.  I hurt for them just thinking about the emptiness they must be starting to feel already.  Oh, Babs, please, you can come watch my babies (for free?) anytime you want to get your kid fix!  I’m so sad for her…

9.  Life is easier with kids.  You may hear some weaker people complain that life with kids is hard, but you’re not weak, right?  You have a husband to help too, so it’s even easier.  Kids make life ten times easier to live!  Sure, if you want to seem responsible, you have to put a car seat in the car and I’ll admit that they do insist on eating two or three times a day.  That can be aggravating, yes!  But kids are also a great excuse to slack off in other areas of your life.  Your house is a mess?  Nobody cares, because you have kids so it’s expected.  Go ahead and park junior in front of Nickelodeon while you soak in a bubble bath with a glass of wine all afternoon.  Don’t want to go to Annoying Anita’s party?  Sorry Annoying Annita, but I can’t find anyone to take the kids that night.  Many places have expectant mother parking places now, so you don’t have to go out and hurt yourself to get great mall parking during Christmas shopping season as long as you can manage to keep yourself pregnant!  Stranded on the side of the road?  Passersby will be more willing to stop and help when they notice you have a baby on your hip.  The good kind of helper, too, not just the creepy ones who will stop for any blonde woman they see on the side of the road.  And what about your husband?  Do you think he wants to have to cut the grass or clean the pool or the gutters all by himself for the rest of his life?  No way!  If nothing else at all, kids are instant manual laborers.  Well, not instant, as it takes a couple of years for them to be able to push a mower, but they’ll get there pretty quickly and you and he will have more snuggle time because of it.  I bet that doodle isn’t making your yard any nicer looking with his poops and pees all over the place.  Not to mention, towards the end of your days on earth, you don’t want your husband or some strange niece being the person to decide which old folk’s home to stick you in.  A child you’ve birthed and loved their whole life is far more likely to feel guilty for putting you in a terrible home on the wrong side of the tracks than somebody who you didn’t birth will.  The list of advantages I could trumpet here are endless, but you get the point.

And finally…gosh, this got long, is anyone still reading?

10.  You owe it to your Chipmunks!  Your chipmunks can’t get enough of you, and since cloning isn’t a viable option yet, the next best thing is something that shares your DNA.  Imagine being able to spread more love via little Juleses and Peppermeisters!!  Not to mention that kids find chipmunks to be adorable.  Do you know who doesn’t find chipmunks adorable, Jules?  That’s right, dogs.

Dogs hate chipmunks!

Dogs hate chipmunks!

So even if you’re not convinced that YOU want babies, Jules, your mother surely does.  Your mother in law, probably does too.  If they’re not enough, then do it for your 4000 plus chipmunks out here online.

I know I speak for all of them when I say that I’m looking forward to the joy and entertainment that your children will bring to the rest of us!

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119 Responses to Go dog go! why babies are oodles better than doodles.

  1. Hi Don! Nice to meet you! Well, I’ve read your argument and I’ve read Jules’ argument. And now I’ll tell you the same thing I told Le Clown.

    Hated puppies.
    Hated the baby thing.

    Soooooo happy to have a 14-year-old person.

    You missed a very important point. Dogs are FOREVER BABIES. They will never learn how to feed themselves or let themselves out to go to the bathroom. I have friends who have spent 11.23 jizillion dollars on visits to the vet for emergency surgeries because their dog ate a sock. Or a tampon. Or something equally stupid. KIDS LEARN. Apparently, dogs don’t.

    I stopped at one kid. Okay, my husband broke my womb, but still. I don’t think everyone should have children, but when and if Jules & Peppermeister decide the time is right, well… I’ll be thrilled for them. Much happier than if they decided to get another dog.

    I do appreciate that you love babies. And yours are adorable. Seriously.

    • Eeeew, you said tampon!! Your husband broke your womb? Lol. High five that man for me..oh and i’m sorry to hear that too. Sometimes I wish I was man enough to have broken my wife’s uterus after 1 because it gets noisy and I rarely get seconds at dinner anymore. Thanks for reading. I’m counting you as a vote for humans!

  2. Go Jules Go says:

    I started reading this at 7am EST when it published, and just finished reading. It’s 8am. I have a job you know, Don. Just one, but still.

    And people LIKE being around you? Did I read that right???

    Your point about getting out of events because of the kids is compelling, however, you shot yourself in the foot with #4. I didn’t even think of making the “nonstop booze” argument in my post! I am ashamed.

    Also this underscored the superiority of my dog, highlighting Uncle Jesse’s lack of poop-eating and tulip-destroying. He is a gentleman, and prefers Chess.

    Check mate.

    P.S. – Pulling unflattering, private Facebook pictures for your argument? …Well played. UNFRIEND.

    • I had my 9 year old read your post to me while my 4 year old fed me grapes and the baby rubbed my feet. I got lost in the moment and have no idea how long it took. Your hungover butt still has to get up to feed that thing and let him outside or he’ll pee on your floor. I only have to turn the baby monitor off and it’s like I’m home alone again! Tough call, but I think the humans have it in the bag.

      • Go Jules Go says:

        I will be the first to admit you need no more than a 3rd grade reading level to get through my posts.

        Have you ever considered renting out the baby? My feet are sore from running circles around you in this debate.

      • Hahah, touche, Ms. Jules. I feel as though I’ve been ambushed a little bit.

    • Lol, I totally was going to ask if you cared if I did that, but then I thought no, let’s not give her any crazy ideas. The pictures are hardly unflattering. Well, maybe the wet dog and the double fisting shot if it’s taken out of context.

  3. Katie says:

    Forget babies–dogs and all animals in general are better than people in general, at any age. They’re not assholes unless their owners are, they don’t have the same capacity for good and evil like people do, and they never initiate small talk. I don’t think it gets more ideal than that.

  4. mistyslaws says:

    That picture of the kids eating pizza with the bud lights? Don, um . . . are you my husband? Because I’m pretty sure those are my boys and that is my messy house at 10:47 on a weeknight while I am out at Zumba. The hubs does love him some Bud Light Lime.

    And while I absolutely love my Jules, I will have to agree with you about the kids. And I have a dog. But kids grow up and start doing things around the house, and if you have a great 7 year old kid like me, he proposes that he do a list of chores and that you pay him $1 per week! That’s like slave labor right there. Dogs don’t do anything except lay around the house, make everything fur covered and constantly bark to go out, come in, go out, come in, go out, ad nausium!

    But seriously, Don, let’s just keep this between us, ok? Don’t tell Jules. Shhhhhh.

    • Your secret is safe with me….no, wait, nevermind, I already dimed you out on her post! Your husband may be the only other man I know who likes Bud Light Lime! It took me a while to come out of that closet, but I’m glad I did! It’s liberating!

    • Go Jules Go says:

      Two-faced Misty Slaw! I’m onto you.

      More champagne for me.

      • Maybe we can both drink champagne together and co-author a post about why we both hate the two faces of Misty Slaw?! She’s one of yours by the way.

      • mistyslaws says:

        By all means, please put that Misty Slaws in her place!! That evil twin of mine is ALWAYS getting me into trouble. Of COURSE I agree with Jules. Always. Those who brunch together, keep drinking together!! I think that’s how the saying goes anyway. And I’ve MET Uncle Jesse. He is indeed adorable, with his head tilting ways. Then again, he never did refill my empty champagne glass, which my sons would know full well to do if they knew what was good for them. Also, my kids never bark at me if I dare leave them alone for a minute to go to the bathroom. Hmmm, what was I saying?

        Oh right, I’m in the Jules camp all the way. She’s my girl. Ra Ra, Julesy-poo.

        But I really have no control over that Misty Slaws stinker. She’s a bad seed, that one.

      • Mary in NY says:

        Your folks are killing me. Love it!

  5. Very compelling arguments, Don. Bud Light Lime does go with everything.

    After reading this, I think Jules should start right away and have 20 babies, naming them all J names, and let the older ones take care of the younger ones. Then she could have a reality show and rake in the millions.

    Or she could just start putting a diaper on Uncle Jesse.

  6. tric says:

    This post was soooo long and full of love I was going to ask you to get a room! There are many days I question the drink that drove me to four kids, but I did have two dogs and they were nearly the death of me, so kids win. I did rush into them a bit early though so maybe I’d like to be just single and childless.

    • It did get rather lengthy there, didn’t it?!! I’d like to try childless for a week I think. Is there a summer camp or something where that can happen?

    • Go Jules Go says:

      I’m starting to believe having kids is really easy, because you can obviously spend all day and all night and all day the next day writing one blog post.

  7. Pleun says:

    Hi Don, nice to meet you! I think you easily won this debate: babies vs. doodles. Seriously doodles? And it is true that babies turn into eager little helpers, I see it with my girlfriends’ kids. They keep our wine glasses filled every time! But really I guess since I have neither babies nor doodles, I really don’t know much about anything. 😉

  8. Don, this is a classic. A long classic, but a classic nonetheless. I’m not even gonna start with the Bud Light because now I know it’s a genetic problem and at least you stand behind it like a man. You are a man who can differentiate the real Uncle Jesse from a preppy pretender and that should be enough to convince any objective reader that you have the winning argument. And poodles? Next time, can you argue about German Shepherds or something, so at least it’s a fair fight.

    • Go Jules Go says:

      Uncle Jesse (the real one, with the amazing hair) said to tell you that Poodles are one of the smartest dog breeds in the world, and after he read Don’s post, he’s glad I got him neutered, though it is a shame no one else will get to enjoy little Uncle Jesses.

      • The “real” Uncle Jesse doesn’t have time the worry about how smart poodles are; he’s too busy busting his nephews out of jail (unless he’s dead, which I’m pretty sure he is). But you’re right, he does (did) have some pretty bitchin’ (facial) hair.

    • Oh no, I like those dogs. My beef is strictly with the doodle breed. And thanks for your continued understanding of my BLL issues.

  9. Man, I just keep trying to stay focused, and then my brain comes back to this BL Lime thing. I mean, you know… there’s nothing to say… but… huh…

    Anyway, some excellent points. As someone with his first baby (7 mod. old Friday) and two dogs… well the dogs went ballistic in the middle of the night at the neighbor cat…and the baby went ballistic because of the dogs… so right now the point has to go to the baby, because I went ballistic at the stupid dogs, too. (Although I cried less than her)
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    You do know there’s other beers, right?

  10. because you have a uterus, that’s why! hahaha. verry funny!! you win in my book!! sorry jules. but i get to finish all the ice cream my not so bright kids seem never able to finish, that’s one for kids! and they’ll leave at some point, and then you can go back to doggies. how bout an argument for both!

  11. JM Randolph says:

    I have to say that Jules wins because of a very important point that neither one of you made: Babies turn into teenagers. Dogs do not. Nice try, though.

    • Oh, this makes my heart sad, but I tried. My kids aren’t teens yet, so I hadn’t considered the future anxiety and frustration. Many dogs do become teens though, as mine is nearly 12 now and shows no signs of not living another few years. When they get to be dog teens, they piss and poop all over the house and blame it on their age. They suck, just like human teens, only different.

  12. Nagzilla says:

    So glad that Jules challenged you, because you’re funny. “You may as well just put your testicles on the end of that leash, because you’re clearly not using them properly, if you’re walking around with a doodle dog”= golden.

    While I have both a child and a kid, I’m afraid I can’t vote for either. I personally think cats are where it’s at. Although I will agree with #5- GREAT posting material! Way better than any dog. Unless you of course, count the eating of poop and destruction of things. Which she says Uncle Jesse doesn’t do, so she is totally missing out!

  13. The Cutter says:

    Since I currently have a child and no canine, I’m gonna side with Team Baby for this one. As a parent, I get really annoyed by people who claim that a dog cramps their social life. I mean, really? Leave a dog alone for too long and maybe he craps on the floor. That’s really the worst case scenario.

    • Yes! I hear you about dog owners. WTF? We have childless friends who, the one precious night a month or every two months we actually get out of the house with them, say they have to get home early to let the dog out!? Really?? It’s 9:30!! That’s what carpet cleaners are for. Of course, now that I think about it, 9:30 is pretty late anymore for us…

    • Go Jules Go says:

      I think babies and dogs both get a ‘win’ as being an excuse for getting out of things, but one makes you look a lot crazier than the other… Sigh. Point won for Don.

  14. barbtaub says:

    Baby: You can take a baby into a restaurant. Total strangers will coo over the baby, bring you food you could never have cooked yourself, and even better — drinks you could never have made yourself. They will then take all the dirty stuff away (not, usually, including the baby).

    vs.

    Dog: We haven’t had to pay for any of the dog’s driving accidents, and she didn’t need braces on her teeth. Like the kids, she would, on occasion, run away. But she never screamed (in the mall) that I am the worst mother who ever lived and I should be nicer because some day she will be picking out my nursing home. Nor does she have any tattoos or piercings. On the other hand, the kids never ate the furniture, the seatbelts, or the remote. Or (as far as we know) poop.

    Clincher: While getting the dog did not involve (multiple) episiotomies, c-section, breast infections, or pediatric suppositories, she will not give me grandchildren like my children can.

    Oh, wait… I don’t have any grandchildren. Sorry Don: dogs win!

    (Could I borrow the fake sonogram for my daughter’s facebook page?)

  15. rachelocal says:

    I had to stop for a cup of coffee and a bathroom break – twice – while reading this post. Your argument may be long, but you didn’t convince me, especially when you mentioned the “no booze while pregnant” rule. Probably the main reason I’m on the fence about allowing my mother to have “biological success.”

    Oh, and I’m one of Jules’ lady blogger friends, so I’ll always be on her side.

  16. pegoleg says:

    I’m sorry, but the Absolutely Loyal Blogging Buddy pledge Jules forced me to sign in order to get into her inner circle means I have to side with her on all disputes. But your Grimleys in the tub are priceless. Simply priceless.

    • Go Jules Go says:

      They are priceless. I wouldn’t pay a single penny for one.

    • The Grimley routine is pretty kickass. You had to sign something. Another gal said she just gave Jules a half eaten Snickers bar and a diet Coke and she was in. Still, I guess there’s something to be said for your loyalty. I shall try to win you with my persistent annoyance like I did Jules, sort of.

  17. my gay mom says:

    My wife and I decided we’re not having children (I’m bipolar II; we’re poor.) We’ve come to terms with it, but sometimes I get sad thinking we’ll never have a human who will grow up to be President or cure cancer, but knowing our intelligence and how we live (almost solely on Bud Light Lime) our human would probably just end up streaking a MLB game.
    Oh, and thank you for pointing me towards Jules. I’m already hooked. Grazie!

  18. Laura Lynn says:

    Gee Don, I have to say I’m on the fence with this one. I personally don’t have kids but I have many many nieces and nephews ranging from 20something to 2 years old so I know something about the trials and tribulations. So many compelling arguments why NOT to have kids and NOT to have a dog. However, cats…the perfect pet!
    1. cats can be left alone for long weekends (or trips to Europe etc) dogs? No.Kids? Maybe?
    2. cats poop and pee in nice neat pans of litter and you don’t have to wear a plastic bag on your hand or , [shudder} touch poop all up the back of the little darling.
    3. Cats never eat anything weird. In fact they like eating the same food. Dogs? They eat poop and I’ve heard somewhere something about tampon eating. Kids? I have no idea what they eat. I know you can’t feed them calamari and draft beer according to my sister in law. Dogs? Same.
    I could go on but I’m afraid of Jules making fun of me for a long comment.

    • Go Jules Go says:

      Sorry Laura, for the delay, I had to take a bathroom break while reading this comment.

      Tee hee.

      We live in the sticks, and one of the main perks is not picking up poop. Why bother? There’s probably a mountain-high pile of horse dung two feet away.

    • Cats aren’t in the running since they’re so snippy! And what’s wrong with your sister in law? Draft beer and calamari is fine, as long as you fry the calamari.

  19. sassypanties says:

    Holy FUCK, dude. This is like, the LONGEST MOTHERFUCKING BLOG POST EVAAAAH! nI’m only at work for 8 hours, you know. I need a break. My next comment will be extremely compelling and full of wit and blog-comment-gold. And probably more profanity. TO BE CONTINUED…

  20. Marta says:

    Jules is great isn’t she?! I have no idea how I stumbled across her either but I’m so glad I did and I even have slap bracelets to prove it. But you know what’s also great? Now I found you too! I also eat frozen pizza and drink beer! (Though not Bud Light, I’m a craft beer kinda gal.) I also hate the faces of people with clean houses. And in conclusion: I vote tie. I playing Switzerland in this case as the mother of two humans and one living dog, and sadly one dog who has gone where all great dogs go.

    • Pizza and beer….now I’m craving both, thanks a lot! I’ll take your neutrality as a moral victory since you’ve known Jules longer. Hooray me! And I’ll chug craft beers from time to time too!! Schlafly is my favorite STL beer that isn’t lime related.

  21. Well, lite lime beer…at least, it’s a beer with a peal. (Best I could do).

  22. Babies. Hands down. And cats? Now that’s just ridiculous. This was a really long post and I read all of it. Go me. It’s because my kids are watching Sesame Street right now. I don’t know who this Jules person is but I guess I better find out since you love her so much.

    • Hooray babies! And yes, cats is silly so we’ll just pretend those people didn’t even say that. I most certainly do not love this Jules person. in fact, I think I hate her a little bit now. Maybe.

  23. queenlorene says:

    Hating to bust your bubble, kids, while kids, are great. Teens are a different story. Teens are marijuana smoking, alcohol overdosing, wall smashing nightmares. Dogs don’t drink or smoke (voluntarily) and most dont smash stuff on purpose. Yeah, they cant eat chocolate with you, they are generally happy-go-lucky and dont have to be put into a locked psych hospital. I think dogs are a little cheaper in the long run as well. At least you don’t have to pay 100 g for college and 50 g for the wedding, well, unless you are wedding the dog to another princely pedigree. But so far, no dog colleges.

  24. whinybaby says:

    It wasn’t enough that you made me feel like my barren uterus looks like a raisin. You just HAD to make me feel like my barren uterus looks like a raisin that was just plucked from a bag of trail mix, all covered in peanut dust. Gross.

    • Don’t neglect that thing and she’ll never look like that! I had just thought of you when you posted that last night. PBS (I know, right?) was showing a documentary that involved people locating and exhuming bodies from what they thought was a mass grave in Pennsylvania. It looked really tedious and boring and I wondered who would be interested in doing such crap. Thats when I thought of you. I guess you’d be interested in such crap.

      • whinybaby says:

        I love that mass graves remind people of me. It’s so adorable. The actual excavation is indeed really tedious and boring. Before I went back to being a Professional Sneeze Catcher, I did the analysis of what was excavated by other people. That’s where the fun begins.

      • The funny thing was that the woman “leading” the dig was pretty young, maybe mid to late 20s. She was from the U of Penn. The burly guys doing the hard work didn’t seem to mind being nagged by her though. They must have been burly intellectuals.

      • whinybaby says:

        I was once a twenty-something woman working on digs and all the burly guys doing the hard work LOVED me.

  25. mollytopia says:

    This. Is. Amazing. I didn’t know these battles existed – I love it! It’s long as a mutherfucker, so I was fantastically late for work and can’t care, am currently still not working because I had to read every comment, and I’ll continue to not work probably through lunch because I’m heading over to read the comments on Jules’ post next. Later today when I should be working, I’ll be posting both of your links to this spectacle because everyone needs to witness this or their life will be sad and incomplete.

    Jules, your dog sounds amazing. Sadly my good to bad dog ratio is 1:3. My good to bad kid ratio is 1:0. Therefore, even though babies suck ass in ways I never dreamed possible until I had one of my own, dogs suck bigger ass. Babies win. And Don, your kids could not be cuter.

    Note: if the battle was chipmunks vs. babies, chipmunks would win hands down, even if the baby came with a bag of cash and a beach house in Malibu. I’m not commenting on cats because mine were assholes last night and I haven’t let it go yet.

    You two are hilarious and awesome, and I heart your faces right off your damn heads. I can’t wait to see the final score!

    • Lol, your foul mouthed cats sound wonderful. Thanks for the nice words about my boys, they’re ok most of the time. Thanks also for the repost, you rock! Oh, and I think I won this battle! Yay me!

  26. Babies win because they are human and will grow up to be bitter. Dogs are always happy and will not really every get bitter. Sorry Jules.

  27. UndercoverL says:

    You win, Don. You not only made it funny, but you redeemed my faith in my decision to have half-a-dozen kids. Also, I removed the ad on Craig’s List putting them up for sale/trade/barter/free. (Can’t say they thank you for that one, though.). Also, they just won’t get lost on the way home from school and I can’t bring myself to steer my truck into oncoming traffic because I am a chicken. Hahahaha.

    • 6 kids, good god woman! I’ve thought about that steering the truck into oncoming traffic thing as well, but I’d hate to ruin another person’s life in case he or she actually enjoys it. Lol.

  28. franhunne4u says:

    In fact you are both wrong – dogs and babies are both demanding, loud, stinky, drooling, need constant supervision.
    CATS are the real thing. ;P

  29. Pingback: Random recent stuff… | don of all trades

  30. Thanks for the follow and all that great stuff there.
    I don’t like babies, but my husband does. We had four, and I didn’t enjoy them much until the walking and talking, whereas that’s when he stopped oohing and aahing over every bloody thing they did.
    My house is always clean. I have anxiety disorder, and mess gives me anxiety. I am certain that normal (whatever) people with children do not have clean houses, and I am just a freak like that.
    I fail to understand why you need this woman to spawn, but it was quite entertaining to read, regardless.
    I’ve got to go now, because I’m trying to get rid of my wasted uterus and the bids on eBay have grown rather large. *crosses fingers*

  31. smcwrites says:

    Are you SERIOUS that procreation is a sign of biological success? Seriously? That is such an out dated backwards way of thinking that it astounds me. Complete idiots can make babies, you don’t need to be special, or smart, or talented to make a baby – you pretty much need a pulse as far as I’ve noticed. Also, having a uterus is a good reason to have a kid? I think not! I also have the genes for poor eye sight (thank goodness for lasik) and risk factors for all sorts of lovely illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and then there is my partner who has said himself he doesn’t want children because he has crohn’s and it’s extremely hereditary and he would never want to pass that sort of pain on to another human being… but since I have uterus, we should do it anyways? WTH?! As for the mid 30’s thing.. we are both already there – and no, don’t feel that way. We like our lives, I think you are deluded and pretty mean about it. Jules very clearly wins not only this debate, but as a human.

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