I enjoy reading posts written by many different types of bloggers. Many of my favorites are parents who are trying, mostly half-assed, to raise kids like my wife and me. Some are written by people who enjoy traveling to places I’ll never go (sorry third world countries), or who have a mental illness or disease that the blogger is able to poke fun of or who inspire me just by living the way they do. Others I like because the writing is excellent or because the blogger has some sort of talent that I don’t, like poetry or photography or art or being able to walk and chew gum at the same time.
But some blogs I like have none of that. Some are simply entertaining because the person writing them is entertaining. You know those sorts of people, right? They could write a post about sitting in their cubicle and doing nothing at work for 8 hours, post a picture of their stupid “I hate Mondays” coffee mug sitting on their desk, and you’d like the post because something about it is just the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. Their blogs aren’t necessarily about anything in particular, they’re just funny. I’m not saying these bloggers are without talent or that they’re boring at all, no, far from it. In fact, one of my favorite blogs is put out (Giggity!) by one of these entertaining people.
Her name is Jules and her blog is right here. I smile when I see a post in my reader because I know it’ll entertain me every time. Well, almost every time, but we all post clunkers now and then though.
No offense to the bloggers I regularly follow and comment with, because you know I love you all, but I fancy myself a bit of a trailer trash blogger.
I seem to be drawn to other bloggers who, like me, have a limited number of followers, many of whom are their own family members, friends or neighbors. Most of these bloggers curse and complain about life and parenting and lack of funds or their spouses and they don’t post pretty pictures of food they’ve cooked or clean rooms in their house because what they’re serving probably came from Domino’s or a can and isn’t that pretty and they have to eat it in a house that looks like people (with kids) ACTUALLY LIVE THERE! I told Jules I’d be nice, but I’m sorry, if you have multiple kids and a clean house then I hate your face. My wife hates your face too!
Well, some of us have posted pics of the food we’ve served the kids in our messy kitchens while momma was away getting her hair did or drinking her troubles away.
That’s right, frozen pizza and beer. It’s probably 10:57 pm on a Tuesday in this picture as well, so what? And yes, I like Bud Light Lime! I’ve heard all the jokes, but you’re welcome to try an original jab, if you’re so inclined. Feel free to throw one in the comments.
I like bloggers who are engaging and who are good sports about things without being all uppity and douchey. Generally, popular bloggers are less responsive to comments from little people and don’t take the time to acknowledge that other people exist outside of their own personal Mount Olympus of Bloggers.
Go Jules Go is different though. I’d say that she’s very popular here in WordPress land for sure. She’s also a good sport and has always responded to my snarky comments on her blog even though I’m not one of her many husbands or uber-popular lady friend bloggers.
I don’t even remember where I first ran across her blog.
She is everywhere, so it’s hard to pinpoint.
Yes, she has been.
Recommended Humor Blog?
Featured on the Daily Post?
You hate her already, right?
Yeah, me too.
Well, I tried to hate her at least, but you know what?
She’s not so bad. She’s really pretty funny, semi-talented and fairly nice as well. Especially for a New Jersian.
Her first husband blogs too, for God’s sake!
She’s one of those folks other people just enjoy being around. She’s sort of like me in that respect, minus the cursing, ranting and mustard stained shirts.
I guess my many snarky comments to her over the past several weeks about her effeminate dog finally pushed her too far though, because she cornered me on the interwebz and demanded that we co-host a sort of challenge post whereby she would try to convince me that I should want to own a doodle dog very badly and that I would do my best to convince her that she should want to have a baby or babies, also very badly!
I’m assuming that she must have lost her last blog off with her 3rd husband The Byronic Man when they wasted their time arguing about Glee even though everyone knows that show totally blows. Why else would she be slumming for the likes of me to contest such an important issue?? This is like a heavyweight boxer tangling with a lightweight, figuratively speaking, of course.
Her ego must need a boost, and I’m always willing to help a friend in need.
Jules has over 4,000 followers! When I looked yesterday, it was under 4000, She did nothing on her blog the past couple of days but somehow managed to add nearly 20 more followers. Geez!
4,000 compared to my 200 is a lot, and I know most of her followers are going to blindly side with her because she’s a woman and she’s funny and she’s cute and she’s got a great personality and they all love dogs and she says funny things like doodle and she gives them free stuff and they’re all her chipmunks, blah, blah, blah, etc.!
Look, I get that you all love her, but please hear me out and then help me convince her that she needs to put that dog of hers in a pen in the yard just for a little bit or lock him in the basement, or let him watch, whichever, but she should start working on makin’ her some babies now!
My strongest ally in this “discussion” is my true love for all God’s babies. I have passion for my subject matter, so I can preach on about it with unwavering conviction. I have the passion of a Southern Baptist preacher sounding off against the sins of evil that offend his God on my side! Hallelujah, everyone, can I get an AMEN!!!
No? Oh, ok, well poop.
Anyway, yeah, I’m a grown man and I just said that I love babies.
I’m not ashamed of that!
Lots of men love babies, right?
Who doesn’t love babies for God’s sake?
I’ll tell you who doesn’t love babies.
This devil thing doesn’t love babies.
And this guy very much does not love babies unless they’re in his belly!
And neither does this woman. She does not love babies.
That’s Jules all right. Look at her flaunting the fact that being childless allows her to have disposable dollar bills that I can only dream of possessing.
Crap….sorry, ignore that, I’m supposed to be arguing that babies rock and that you want them!
Jules does not love babies, in part, because she has exhausted all of her love on this…….this thing….Not the man in the mirror, the four legged thing.
While her doodle wastes water and looks like a sewer rat in the bath, my own beloved boys share bath water so as to not be wasteful and they even have a funny Ed Grimley routine that’s the envy of any wet dog in the bathtub related show!
She calls her doodle dog Uncle Jesse.
So now you’re thinking, awe, he’s named after Uncle Jesse, that’s sweet. I thought the same thing too, and almost started liking the dog, but we were mislead! He’s not named after the greatest Uncle Jesse ever.
Nope, he’s named after this scallywag of an Uncle Jesse.
Uncle Jesse the dog is some sort of doodle dog. My understanding is that a doodle dog is some breed of any potentially awesome dog mixed with a poodle. I know, right?? Why ruin a cool dog by crossing it with a surly, uppity, snobby French dog like that??
Well, even if some of you think that Uncle Jess is cute, he’s certainly not as cute as a baby. I mean come on! I ain’t no looker, but even I can make a cute baby. See that fella below? He’s mine. Isn’t he just darling? So precious.
What? You’re on the fence still?
Well, Jules wasn’t convinced either, so she proposed we come up with a 10 pack of reasons why our preferred beast is better than the other’s. Her argument that her silly dog is preferable to having darling children is right here. I’m shaking my head just typing that nonsense.
In the name of all that is good with humankind, I eagerly accepted the challenge and now, in a mostly non foul-mouthed way (you’re welcome GoJulesGo readers) I present to you…
My 10 fairly unconventional reasons (in no particular order) why Jules, and maybe you too other doodle owners, should ditch the doodles for some youngin’s.
Now before we get to gettin’ on this list, please know, ye lovers of all things canine, that I’m not a dog hater by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t want any hate mail please! I’ve got one of these at home in addition to my kids:
That’s Jojo Dancer, the DOAT clan’s pooch. She’s been with me for all of her nearly 12 years and is still going strong. That’s what a real dog looks like. I’m not anti-dog, but I’m outing myself right now as being anti-doodle. I’m sorry Peppermeister, but no man should have to answer the question “What kind of dog is that you have there?” by uttering anything that has the world doodle in it! You may as well just put your testicles on the end of that leash, because you’re clearly not using them properly, if you’re walking around with a doodle dog.
So, with that cleared up, here are 10 reasons why having children is preferable to doodle dogs!
- Your biological success means your mother isn’t a biological failure! You love your mother, don’t you, Jules? Here’s something from the internet. You can Google it, if you think I’m lying.
Question: How do you define biological success?
Answer: The definition of (individual) biological success is having offspring who also reproduce. In other words it’s a headcount of grandchildren.
Your mother had you, Jules. Who knows how or why? My guess is that it involved a box of Franzia, a drive in viewing of Raiders of the Lost Ark (Harrison Ford did it for the ladies back then), and the back seat of a 1981 Olds Cutlass, but how it happened isn’t relevant. The point is that their beautiful, probably sticky love created you. Now, to ensure that your very own mother can be deemed a biological success, you must produce at least a single, viable offspring. Nature is beautiful like that, which leads to point number 2.
2. Ummmm, so you do know where babies come from, right? Toss them pills or condoms or circadian rhythm calendars into the trash can and start enjoying your marital duties the good old-fashioned way, without the guilt or shame or fear that comes with worrying that you’ll end up pregnant! Once you embrace the consequences of making the beast with two backs as desirable, you’ll be able to get wild and crazy whenever and wherever you want! It’s liberating and just lots of gosh darned fun!
3. You have a uterus, so you should use it! If you have a perfectly healthy uterus and you’re not trying to fill that thing with babies, then why lug it around at all? You wouldn’t go and buy a fancy Louis Vuitton purse and then just chuck it into the back of your closet, would you? God gave you that thing instead of a penis because he trusted that you’d use it for what he intended, not let it shrivel up like a raisin. If women stop using their uterus for what it was intended, then I think Darwinian evolution dictates that eventually they’ll mutate into something like another stomach and then what? Women will get fat and your food bills will become outrageous!
4. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’ve heard this saying before, haven’t you Jules? It’s totally true! If you’re away from Uncle Jesse for 5 minutes because he’s out in the yard peeing all over your tulips or digging up your husband’s peppers, you might miss him a little bit and scratch his head when he comes back in to show your love. But what if you left town and didn’t see him for weeks or months even? You’d be Sooooooo excited to see him when you got back, right?!
Well, the same is true for your other true love! No, not bacon, dear. You’re not fooling anybody into thinking bacon or your husbands are your next true love after your dog.
You needn’t be ashamed to admit that in between your doodle and your husbands, your second true love is alcohol. It’s quite ok, really.
Here’s some more booze, Jules!
And finally here as well. Oh my!
While this may seem like a negative, it’s really not! Delaying gratification is a wonderful practice and since you’ll be such an awesome mother, you’ll not drink for 9 months of your pregnancy, well, 8 months I guess since you’ll probably not know right away.
So after the darling little one is born, that first drink you take will either be sooooooo good, or you’ll just hate it and never want to drink again. Sounds like a win/win either way to me!
5. You’re a blogger. Pretty soon your friends are going to be done getting married and Uncle Jesse will have a bad hip and spend his days laying around licking his private parts because he can , and then what will you write about? Nobody wants to read more than one or two posts about the time your dog ate its own poop (yeah, they do that!) or dry humped your mother in law’s leg. When you have kids, you’ll have an over abundance of blog material! They look cute, post. They poop all up their backs and spit up all over your front, post. They say something stupid, post. They say something funny, post. Everything a kid does is a potential post! And the same exact incident can be written to be funny or sad or anywhere in between. Look at all I got in under 24 hours once with just my youngest!
6. Kids suck at tic tac toe and checkers. When’s the last time you won a game of tic tac toe? If you’re playing with anyone over 6, I’d hope the answer is that it’s been a long time. They all end in cat’s games, and ties suck nearly as much as losing! Well, this isn’t the case when you play your own little ones! They’re mostly stupid up until a certain age and can be beaten nearly every single time! Not just tic tac toe either, you can whoop them in checkers, cards, the Wii, foot races, breath holding contests…I mean they are terrible at almost everything!!! It’s a real confidence booster to blow past your 4 year old in a 50 yard dash and be able to yell “WHooooOOO! In your face, boy (or girl)!!!” every.single.time.
7. Just playing is fun. You don’t even have to beat the pants off your kids to enjoy being with them, because just playing these games is reason enough to have kids. People think you’re a little silly when you color on the place mat in restaurants with no kids at your table, but with a kid in tow, color away! Sorry, but you can’t bring dogs into most restaurants. Coloring is as fun as you remember it being. I often notice my childless neighbors watching me enviously while I do fun things with my kids outside. They don’t get to fly kites or play with remote control cars or ride their bicycles. While they’d never admit that they’re bummed about the social stigma of playing kid’s games sans the kids, it shows on their sad, sad faces.
8. Life isn’t always just about you. I know that this one may be a hard one for you to hear, Jules. If you’re not having babies because you think that it’s going to affect YOUR life so much, then you’re just being selfish, and nobody likes a Selfish Sally!
Do you know what your mother and your mother in law’s hearts will look like with grand children? Or with even just a singe grand child?!!
Something like this.
Here’s what they’ll look like when you’re in your mid 30’s and it’s become painfully obvious to them that you have no plans to procreate.
It hurts to see, doesn’t it? Imagine how their poor little hearts feel inside their little old lady bodies. I hurt for them just thinking about the emptiness they must be starting to feel already. Oh, Babs, please, you can come watch my babies (for free?) anytime you want to get your kid fix! I’m so sad for her…
9. Life is easier with kids. You may hear some weaker people complain that life with kids is hard, but you’re not weak, right? You have a husband to help too, so it’s even easier. Kids make life ten times easier to live! Sure, if you want to seem responsible, you have to put a car seat in the car and I’ll admit that they do insist on eating two or three times a day. That can be aggravating, yes! But kids are also a great excuse to slack off in other areas of your life. Your house is a mess? Nobody cares, because you have kids so it’s expected. Go ahead and park junior in front of Nickelodeon while you soak in a bubble bath with a glass of wine all afternoon. Don’t want to go to Annoying Anita’s party? Sorry Annoying Annita, but I can’t find anyone to take the kids that night. Many places have expectant mother parking places now, so you don’t have to go out and hurt yourself to get great mall parking during Christmas shopping season as long as you can manage to keep yourself pregnant! Stranded on the side of the road? Passersby will be more willing to stop and help when they notice you have a baby on your hip. The good kind of helper, too, not just the creepy ones who will stop for any blonde woman they see on the side of the road. And what about your husband? Do you think he wants to have to cut the grass or clean the pool or the gutters all by himself for the rest of his life? No way! If nothing else at all, kids are instant manual laborers. Well, not instant, as it takes a couple of years for them to be able to push a mower, but they’ll get there pretty quickly and you and he will have more snuggle time because of it. I bet that doodle isn’t making your yard any nicer looking with his poops and pees all over the place. Not to mention, towards the end of your days on earth, you don’t want your husband or some strange niece being the person to decide which old folk’s home to stick you in. A child you’ve birthed and loved their whole life is far more likely to feel guilty for putting you in a terrible home on the wrong side of the tracks than somebody who you didn’t birth will. The list of advantages I could trumpet here are endless, but you get the point.
And finally…gosh, this got long, is anyone still reading?
10. You owe it to your Chipmunks! Your chipmunks can’t get enough of you, and since cloning isn’t a viable option yet, the next best thing is something that shares your DNA. Imagine being able to spread more love via little Juleses and Peppermeisters!! Not to mention that kids find chipmunks to be adorable. Do you know who doesn’t find chipmunks adorable, Jules? That’s right, dogs.
So even if you’re not convinced that YOU want babies, Jules, your mother surely does. Your mother in law, probably does too. If they’re not enough, then do it for your 4000 plus chipmunks out here online.
I know I speak for all of them when I say that I’m looking forward to the joy and entertainment that your children will bring to the rest of us!