The week i worked out, sort of….

So, true to my word, I decided to get my fat ass back into shape by working out with weights and doing some running.  Well, maybe some jogging….walking?  I’m going to get moving for sure.

In a show of force to convince myself that I was serious, I even decided to get started on Sunday instead of waiting for my normal Monday put off day.

So Sunday night, I put on my workout clothes, grabbed my phone and made my way into the basement.  Sadly, I have a decent workout bench and dumbbell collection that mostly collects dust in the basement.  I don’t even have to leave my house, but I’ve still managed to not workout for over a decade while these pieces of equipment go unused.

I plugged my phone in and pressed shuffle on the music app and started to stretch a little bit. After 12 seconds of stretching, I was ready to begin.

There were already plates on the barbell from a time long ago when I was in better shape, but I figured what the hell, I can’t have lost that much strength, so I kept them all on the bar.

I settled onto the cold weight bench and clutched the bar with both my hands.  It was cold and heavy and I already dreaded the five sets of bench presses that I was going to do.  I successfully hoisted the bar from its resting position and held it aloft for a couple of seconds while I prepped my mind to count out the 18 reps I planned to do.

One, ugh, TWO, errrrrr, three, ohhhh what was that popping noise? Fffffffffour, fuck it’s cold down here, and that’s enough for that first set.

Ok, maybe that was a bit too much weight for the first go.  I felt pretty good after those four reps though.  I guess anything really is better than nothing, right?  I stretched out my pecs, removed about 50 pounds from the bar and laid back down on the bench for set number two.  I hoisted the bar again and just as I was about to lower it for my first rep, an Alvin and the Chipmunk’s song came out of the speakers.  Those damn kids and their songs!

“Well, this will not do,” I thought to myself.  I lowered the bar back into the bench arms without having done any reps in my second set and pressed the fast forward button on the phone.  Thirty-two presses of the FF button later, I finally found a song that I wanted to listen to.  How can all those songs, which I put into my phone my own damn self, be songs that I never want to listen to?

Back onto the bench, I stared at the wood planks that run across my basement ceiling as I prepared to lift the bar again.

“I need water,” I told myself.

I went upstairs and poured myself a nice big cup of water.

I went back downstairs with my water, laid my back on the bench and closed my eyes while listening to Brad Paisley drone on about alcohol.

I suddenly wanted some alcohol.

I gripped the bar again.  It was cold.

I removed my hands from the bar and crossed my arms on my chest.  I closed my eyes again to listen to the music while I pumped myself up.

I’m single and I’m rich and I got a set of six pec abs that’ll blow your mind…

Sing it, Brad!” I remember thinking at some point before I drifted off to sleep right there on the bench.

Thankfully, the dog meandered downstairs and licked my face, possibly to make sure I wasn’t dead.  I awoke to the sound of a slobbering tongue against my forehead and Johnny Cash lamenting the fact that his deadbeat dad had gone and named him Sue!  I had no idea how long I’d been asleep, but clearly Monday would be the better day to get started on this workout stuff.

So as to not make the session a total loss, I did grab a couple of 35 pound dumbbells and did 15 curls.  15 curls and 4 bench presses!  FEEL THE BURN!!!!!!!!

Monday:

Hellbent on getting stuff did, I stopped by a gym and talked to a guy named Jim.  For real! Jim’s gym had a free two week membership sign (no purchase necessary) out front and that sounded like it was right in my price range.

Jim was very enthusiastic and I knew right away that I wanted to push him down a flight of stairs or possibly hold his head underwater for several minutes.  He was jogging in place while we talked.  Seriously, dude, PLEASE STAND STILL!!

Jim asks how he can help me while bending over sideways at the waist with an arm bent over his head and two and three and four.

“Uh, if you’re busy exercising, I can come back.  I just want to try the two week membership.”

“That’s AWESOME, MAN!” said Jim as I thought about how fun it would be to use his face as a tether ball.

“You’re a pretty big dude already, do you workout?”

“Uh, yeah,” I said.  “I just worked out last night in my basement.”

“AWESOME!” says this putz named Jim.  “Well let’s talk about membership options so we…”

“Nononononononono, you’re not listening to me Jim.  I’m interested in the two week free membership trial and nothing more right now.”

Jimmy looked puzzled so I walked to the window and pointed directly at the sign.

“See?  It’s facing away from us, but I can read that it says 2 Weeks Free Trial Membership in really big letters, and then in smaller ones it says no purchase necessary.  I’m looking to not make a purchase right now but still take part in the two week trial membership as per the invitation on the sign.” I was mostly pleasant sounding and not condescending at all.

“But I can totally ma…..”

I cut him off “Ok, Jim, I actually see that it’s later than I thought it was, do you work tomorrow or Wednesday?”

“Uh, Wednesday is my only day off, Dude.”

“Alright, I’ll be back on Wednesday then.” I said and left the gym just as unfit as I was when I’d entered.

Tuesday:

I was going to run at work on Tuesday but I forgot to bring any workout clothes.  I’ll start running on Thursday.

Wednesday:

Back to the gym, and thankfully, there was no Jim as he had promised.  There was a buxom young lady named Tiffany working the desk.  The sight of her pulling on her chewing gum and talking on her cell phone while I stood there like an idiot for an entire minute made me want to slap her upside her head with her own giant tits.

“Can I, uh, help you or somethin’?” Chesty finally asked.

“Uh, like I hope so, uh, Tiff.  I uh like, uh, want to try your free two week membership n’ stuff.  Is that cool?”

“Awe, that’d be totally doable, but the computer is uh, like not workin’ right now so uh, I can’t get you in there n’ stuff.”

Well, this is fucking great,  I thought to myself.  I suddenly missed Jim of the gym.

“Well, I brought my clothes, can I try a workout anyway?” I asked.

“TOTALLY!” she said.  “For $5 you can workout once, yeah.”

“Oh, boy,” I sighed under my breath.  “I didn’t bring any money.  The sign says Free Trial Membership.”  I walked over to the sign as I had done Monday and pointed to it for Tiffany’s benefit.

“That’s a different deal than a single day membership, sir.  You want to workout once and that’s $5.”

“No, I want a two week free membership trial, but you said that your computer is down.  How is that my fault?”

“Uh, it’s not your fault or my fault or anybody’s fault, sir, but I can’t let you workout if you’re not in the computer system.  Those are the rules.”

Exasperated, I rubbed my temples and wondered why the fuck I was standing here instead of sitting on a barstool.

“If I gave you $5 would you be able to put me in the computer?”

Tiffany looked puzzled.

“When does Jim work again?” I asked.

“Uh, like tomorrow I think,” she responded.

“Ok then, I’ll come back on Friday.  Hopefully, the computers will be functional again.” I said in the most aggravated voice I could muster.

When she replied “TOTALLY!” I nearly turned back to push her face through the wall.

Thursday:

I was pretty proud of myself as I started walking to the locker room with my gym bag to change into my running attire when it dawned on me that I completely forgot my running shoes.  I had loafers and some flip flops to shower in but no running shoes.

“Fuck.”

Friday:

In the hopes that the third time would be a charm, I made my way to the gym and, sure enough, Jim greeted me at the door with a nice handshake and an “I remember you, dude!”

Way to go, Jim!  What has it been, like four fucking days?

Anyway, he managed to get me into the computer and I was good to go!

I changed out of my work clothes and into some workout clothes in a locker room filled with old man balls.  Seriously, why are you people just standing around talking to each other naked?  I was disturbed, but not completely demotivated.

I pushed my way past several ladies ogling themselves in the mirror and a couple of guys in stretchy shorts.  Hey assholes, stretchy shorts?  Really?

The bench press station was being used by a couple of meatheads yelling and grunting and spitting all over each other, but my OCD doesn’t allow me to do another workout first.  Getting the bench out of the way first is mandatory, so I waited.  And waited.  And I waited some more until Thor and Conan finished lifting and then chest bumping each other enthusiastically to communicate their happiness at having lifted.

I asked if they were finished and they grunted yeah and started making their way to another contraption when I said, “Really?”

“Wha?”

“You’re just gonna leave the weights on the bar and your disgusting sweat all over the bench like a couple of fuckin’ troglodytes?”

Beavis and his pal looked at each other and made sad faces that I recognized as the one my daughter makes when she’s stumped by a math problem.

While they deliberated over who last had the towel, I’d decided that being around these gym people was more than I could bear.  I returned to the land of droopy balls and liver spots to get my clothes and leave.

“You done already, Dude?” asked my main man Jim as I was leaving.

“Is this place built on an old Indian burial ground or was it recently repainted with extra leaded paint?” I asked just less than sarcastically enough for him to recognize it as such.

“Uh, I don’t think so, why?

“No reason.  Just curious is all.”

I left Jim and the gym and headed to the place next door for a beer.

The number of 12 ounce curls was astonishing and if pain is really an indication of gain, then this pain in my head indicates that I gained more from those curls than anything Jim could have ever offered me at his gym.

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66 Responses to The week i worked out, sort of….

  1. Cordelia says:

    Holy crap this sounds like the last few times I’ve tried to do anything other more exerting than exercise my ten gnarled digits on this keyboard… the universe says “Fuck no, you must EMBRACE the muffin top, LOVE the muffin top, BE ONE with the muffing top.” Stupid universe.
    BTW, slapping Chesty with her own giant tits is possibly one of the funniest lines to come out of you! 🙂

  2. aliciabenton says:

    This post is amazing!! And see… that’s why I said that you should just grow by a couple of inches. Then your BMI will be right where it should be, you can make a little extra money from selling your dusty weights, and you will never be tempted to see old, sweaty balls in stretchy shorts again!

    If growing doesn’t work, at least make yourself a workout playlist on your phone. I get tired of skipping nine out of every ten songs, too. 🙂

  3. Mental Mama says:

    You, sir, truly have a way with the words.

  4. That’s kind of how my attempts to work out go, only there are no old man balls and I don’t leave the house. I get to be irritated by a woman named Jillian on a very big screen, right in my own basement. And I don’t FF songs, I FF past the push ups.

  5. ardenrr says:

    I’m still finding it hard to choose running over sleep. I love sleep and sleep loves me. Running is a bitch. I want to slap Running with Chesty’s tits.

  6. People like “Jim” and “Tiff” and their “two week trials” are the main reason why I do NOT go to a membership based gym. Then there is just about every sweaty ballsy person you mentioned after you actual got into the gym and locker room. Gyms are disgusting.
    F- that
    I have found that lately, it’s just a matter of me saying to myself “If I get my workout in, great. If not, who f-ing cares!” and look I’m 20 lbs lighter! Who knew the minute I stopped caring about working out 2 hours a day 7 days a week, I actually started losing weight!

  7. tric says:

    You are a disaster! This post was like a re run of my afternoon with my son. “Dig that flowerbed please” I say. He comes in for the shovel, (like it is in the house), he comes in to change his shoes, he comes in looking for the wheel barrow (same answer as for shovel) he needs drinks, more food, and change of clothes. I walk out after one hour and a tiny square is dug!!!!! Oh well at least you tried, and you got a great post out of it. 20 lbs lighter! as we say over here “Jesus Don the weight is fallin off you”

  8. Wow… talk about having a rough week! Don’t despair! I know there was a full moon this week and things can get a little crazy around that time. Have you considered Body weight exercises? I have faith in you 🙂 A bad workout is better than no workout 😉

    By the way I just wanted to let you know that I have awarded you the very inspiring blogger award. Thank you for inspiring laughter everyday 🙂
    http://reflectionsofasinglegirl.wordpress.com/2013/06/23/very-inspiring-blogger-award-always-here-if-you-need-me-award-id-like-to-thank-my-oddfunny-life-for-that/

  9. Maggie O'C says:

    this is my kind of work out!
    FYI, I went through all my followers yesterday to make sure that you hadn’t unfollowed me because I felt bad for being mean to you. I was perfectly sane yesterday.

  10. Holy shit! I need a beer!! I’m so fucking glad I don’t have a gym membership!! hahahaha Hilarious Don!! Wanna work out next week??

  11. quiltnmama says:

    I burned more calories being pissed at the dipwads that sat on the gym equipment and texted than I ever did actually working out. Now, I sit here and read your posts. Keep it up, Don!

  12. How many curls x 12 oz?
    HELL Don…YOU very well could be the “MOST INTERESTING MAN”.
    Jim just didn’t recognize…

  13. Katie says:

    I’m just really disappointed in you. I expected more. The doughnuts and now this? For shame.

  14. I read this while on the treadmill about an hour ago. I was laughing out loud. You need to just walk outside your house and start running…or walking or something. My work-out time at the gym is my favorite time because I get childcare with it and that’s my MAIN reason to go to the gym: Freedom for two hours.

  15. I’ve been thinking about doing some exercise for about the last two hours. I even had a bowl of muesli for some energy. Then I had another one. Unfortunately now I’m far too full of muesli to do any exercise so it’ll just have to wait until tomorrow. 🙂
    Loved this post 🙂

  16. juju333 says:

    Don,

    You don’t disappoint. This was great! The last time I went to the gym the young girl that worked there sprayed me in the face with cleaning solution while I was on the treadmill (she was aiming for the treadmill next to me.) After I spit the stuff out of my mouth I went to the restroom to wash my mouth and face off. But by this time the damage had been done, my tongue had went numb and my chest and face were beet red. And of course I was the bitch because I chastised her for spraying me in the face. I was done and left.

    I much prefer to work out at home or go outside in my neighborhood. Like today I did my 20 mile bike ride interval style. And other days I just turn on some good music and dance. I even love to hula hoop. Try that with your kids, great for the core.

    Like you, these activities make me want to take and nap and/or grab a beer. Which are both great for recovery of the muscles. No really, that’s what recent research says: Women who drink moderately are less prone to osteoporosis. And since I am really short I need to work hard not to get that shit.

    Well, keep up the good work.
    Juju

  17. Well, we can’t say you didn’t try, Don! You gave it your all (almost)! Smart choice to choose the other type of bar over the bar bells. 🙂

  18. Oh my gosh. I hate people that try to sign you up for gym memberships. Why are they all idiots?? Regardless of if your stories are true or not, I love them.

  19. Brilliant piece of writing that. 🙂

  20. flyingplatypi says:

    This was almost exactly my workout week… Just add more vodka and we are the best workout team perhaps ever!!

    I still don’t understand why being fat is so frowned upon anyway. It’s pretty stupid. Pie makes everyone happy.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  21. Chin up, at least you have good taste in music. BP and Cash, pretty cool.

    • Thank ya, ma’am! It took til college to get turned on to newer country. Some Rhett Akins song about not his truck was my first modern country song that I liked. I believe I was being jerked around by a cowgirl at the time. Lol.

  22. Daile says:

    So many awesome things about this post Don. Firstly – I’m proud of you for not waiting until Monday to start a ‘week of working out’ Secondly – I hate music shuffle when exercising. It is guaranteed that The Smiths will come on my iPod and ruin the mood. Thirdly – troglodytes. So many yeses

  23. xtrememom says:

    Reading that totally counts as a workout, right? I could feel your pain. Really. 😉

  24. Christina says:

    You’ve inspired me to start working out again. Thanks for the laugh!

  25. PinotNinja says:

    I can never find a song I want on my iPod either, even though I am the one and only person who has purchased those songs (usually after careful deliberation since legal music ain’t cheap). I spend large part of every work out wondering what the hell is wrong with me and my music taste.

    At least it passes the time?

    Here’s to next week’s work outs being more successful than this weeks!

  26. keladelaide says:

    I have no words but I do have to go change my underwear.

  27. you put in quite an effort just trying to work out. that counts. score on calories burned in aggravation! on to next week! 😉

  28. Go Jules Go says:

    Ha! I think it was all downhill once you nixed the Alvin and the Chipmunks. I’m also impressed with the stretching. I always forget to do that.

    I snorted my coffee at, “I’ll be back on Wednesday then.”

  29. mistyslaws says:

    Ok, I literally laughed out loud at numerous parts of this post. Bravo.

    And that sounds like an EXHAUSTING week. I think you got a work out for sure, even if it was working out your mental capacity for dealing with morons.

    I always want to drink when I hear that Alcohol song as well. I’m seeing him in concert tomorrow night. Luckily, they will be selling many beverages of which I can fulfill my cravings at that time. 😉

  30. rachelocal says:

    I just started Insanity. Yesterday I literally said, “This is insane.” I think I’ve passed the worst of it and the next part will be easy. Nope. The next part is insanely more difficult. Insane.

    Working out is insane. We are insane for attempting it. But in a good way. Keep it up.

  31. DUDE – that was funny! Did you ever see the movie Dodgeball with Ben Stiller? I totally had Jim pictured as Ben Stiller’s character. I’m no Tiffany – chesty yes – but somehow I couldn’t find a way to reword that sentence without using totally.

  32. Amber Perea says:

    Excuses, excuses. 😉

  33. This was inspiration for me to not workout ever. Thanks!

  34. You’ve just reinforced my dislike of going to the gym, in an incredibly humorous way. Thank you!
    Faith

  35. AHMommy says:

    Seriously makes me appreciate my small, privately owned, personal training based gym.

    Thanks for the laughs.

  36. queenlorene says:

    What you need to do is buy some walking sticks and walk around your neighborhood. While you will look like a crippled retard, you will increase the calories burned by 40%. I have a pair, Im just waiting for a dark enough night to try them.

  37. ksujulie says:

    Ha. This is hilarious! I love the gym though. I’m turning into a meathead. Lol

  38. Pingback: 150 Pounds Down, 40 More To Go… « Morning Pages

  39. mollytopia says:

    Bahahaha – I love this post! I’ve been trying to get it together to start working out again since October. Yes, we’re almost to October again. Sigh. I keep hoping your work-out success will inspire me, and it has! Proof: it’s 2:25pm, and I’m on vacation, so I’m going to request a cocktail, and lift it right to my face as many times as it takes to reach my goal. Thank you Don – keep up the great and hilarious work!

  40. sassypanties says:

    We seriously need to hang the fuck out, dude…

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