Siri was a cat before she was a bitch inside your iPhone and I’ll soon be rich…

For reasons I’ve never pestered my parents about, I left my perfectly fine public school from second through fifth grade to attend a Catholic school. I went back to the public school to finish up my grade school learnin’ in sixth grade and then junior high.

My time at the Catholic school was great and I easily made friends as I always have. They accepted me then and still do today, even though I didn’t graduate the eighth grade with them.

Recently, one of those guys put together a little reunion and invited me to attend. He said he’d buy me some Bud Light Lime, so the decision was a no brainer.

A small group of about 15 of us former students, along with a couple of former teachers, gathered at a local train depot, a portion of which was rented just for the occasion, and we mingled and reminisced about the good old days.

As part of the fun, one of the teachers or somebody, had a pile of old papers that we had typed for an assignment, and I was tickled pink at my nonsensical story below. It reminded me of an obligation owed to me.

The point of this post is to put it out there that I remember, at some point in my grade school life, being approached by a young grown up named Steve Jobs after one of my little league games.

Mr. Jobs said that he had started a company called Apple and one day would like to produce something called a smart phone and have a voice module that communicates with the holder of the phone. He said, and I quote, “When that finally happens, I would love to use Siri the Cat’s name for that voice and give you 1% of all the profits from any Siri installed phone or one billion dollars, whichever is greater.

He said, if for some reason I should die before I’ve paid you, then just write a blog post including that paper you wrote and tag Apple in it. I’ll make it happen from heaven.

Well, this all sounded like some crazy The Jetson’s type bullshit to me, but I told him that if he bought me some Big League Chew and a Pepsi, I’d make the deal.

Mr. Jobs bought me some grape Big League Chew and a medium Pepsi and we entered into a binding gentlemen’s agreement by shaking hands and spitting right there by the concession stand.

As instructed by Mr. Jobs, I’m writing this post as my official request to Apple to please send me one billion dollars.

Thank you so much, and I won’t stop blogging just because I’m rich, everyone, so no worries there.

Scan Oct 2 2013 5_11 PM-page2

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38 Responses to Siri was a cat before she was a bitch inside your iPhone and I’ll soon be rich…

  1. Melanie says:

    And when you say “typed”, you mean on an actual typewriter?

  2. markbialczak says:

    I’d wager that teacher gave you an ‘A,’ Don. Somebody somewhere did something to reinforce that creativity of yours. May your Siri riches buy at least a case of Bud Light Lime.

  3. That’s so weird! I had a similar experience when Larry Page and Sergei Brin and I were working on a research paper in high school, and they asked if I’d gotten any sources, and I said, “I got so much information at your fingertips it’ll make your eyes google!” And they got a faraway look and said, “that’s just the inspiration we needed. Someday, 11 or 12 years after we found our company, we’ll reward you with incredible amounts of money for this.”

  4. It’s too bad you went on to become a famous baseball player, Donnie. You would have made a fine writer, or secretary.

  5. ” … but we’ve gained another Joe.” Love it. You’ve gained another fan… too. I look foward to reading more.

  6. Has Apple called yet, dammit?!

  7. rossmurray1 says:

    I’m going out on a limb here — and it’s just a wild guess — and assume that you didn’t know where that story was going to go when you started out.

  8. Laura Lynn says:

    I went to Catholic school and all I ever got was a ruler across my hand! I would have made friends but everyone there was a jerk…I swear.

  9. barbtaub says:

    Don, I’m so sorry to be the one who rains on your parade. But the fact is that if money is the root of all evil, then Mr. Jobs would have to go to the bad place in order to fork out post-mortem moola. But since people don’t usually go to hell because of their penchant for honorably fulfilling all their mortal obligations and promises, I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for the armored trucks to start unloading stacks of cash.

    And actually, to tell you the truth, Mr. Crenshaw got Siri an agent, and he made several pictures for Pixar before the lifestyle caught up with him. He squandered a fortune on Super Lemon Haze Catnip, and has spent the years since you knew him shuffling between rehab, community service, and a gig with Dancing With the Stars. Little Joe, however, made a couple of Disney films and is living off royalties and licensing income on a ranch outside of Scottsdale. You might be able to hit him up for a loan if you remind him that you gave him his first publicity.

  10. First – all I could do was laugh because I hate Siri – she has landed me in the worst neighborhoods ever! Then the actual typewriter! But the ruler across the hands – yep been there too!!!!

  11. This is awesome. Always were a good story teller, huh?

  12. Love it. One out. One in. Did he take the agreement to his grave, I wonder??

  13. Well hot damn! Congratulations on striking it rich! Lucky you didn’t name your cat Mimi or Galaxy, or you might have missed out.

  14. mollytopia says:

    “That’s a dumb name.” hahahhaha – some things never change. I love it! And anything with a mouse in it has my eternal admiration : )

  15. Great story, I look forward to more posts!

  16. LOL! Ummm, please do not forget us little people when Apple comes knocking on your door 😉 Love the post and it was so nostalgic to see your paper typed by a type writer!! I remember those days… and the infamous cart catalogs 🙂

  17. Jen says:

    I can’t believe you were a genius then! I think Apple def owes you. And I think both Sam and Joe should thank you for not making them the “extras” the cat eats.

  18. Sheer brilliance, Don. I especially love the line “The others were shocked!” really got my heart beating.

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