Random gripes and stuff…

For those who’ve been with me from the start of this nonsense last November, so basically, that’s wife, our friends Mo and Sarah and some crazy Canadian woman, Cdawg and I were talking and he was ADAMANT that he hated the name Cdawg.

He’s mentioned that he hates when I call him Cdawg before, but this time he wanted to make sure that I knew just how much he hated it, to the point of nearly being in tears.

Whatever, dude! Fuck, I just made it up; it’s no big deal!

I asked him what he wanted to be called other than his real name and we’ve settled on Cool.

That’s really stupid, but that’s what happens when you barter with a four year old.

So, Cdawg is no longer and Cool is now my middle child.

If Roseanne can just change to a different Becky in the middle of the show, then I can change names, right?

I was off last week and spent it with either all or most of the kids around. Insanity.

One or the other of the boys was sick Monday through Wednesday, so that was pretty kick ass.

Cool and G$ had doctor’s appointments three of those days which was also kick ass.

Here’s something I learned the hard way. If you don’t want to feel like a total dick in front of your four year old, then don’t promise him that the two shots he got from one doctor on Monday would be the last shots he’d have to get for a long long time..

Confident with the knowledge that daddy said on Monday that there’d be no more shots for a long long time, Thursday’s appointment with the immunologist started with Cool being high as a kite and, of course, ended three hours later with a woman cramming a needle into his arm to extract blood for testing.

The poor boy had to sit there on momma’s lap for a good 10 minutes with a needle in his arm, that’s how slow the blood flow was! Fuck me.

Speaking of that appointment, we arrived at our 10:30A.M. appointment at 10:15 because we’re punctual like that, only to be told that the doctor’s office was running at least thirty minutes behind.

Why you ask?

The nurse said that “the first two appointments in the morning were an hour late; the patients aren’t from around here.”

What the fuck does not being from around here have to do with knowing how to use a clock and a map?

I’m pretty sure a good policy is telling somebody who’s an hour late for their appointment that they’ve already missed their appointment and will have to make a new one!

These idiots will never learn, if there are no consequences!

Anyway, so if that wasn’t annoying enough, we had to sit through a medical student reading Cool’s screen to us and asking questions and then the real doctor reading Cool’s screen to us again and asking the same questions all over again and then some x-rays downstairs, and then back upstairs and then down again for the blood draw.

Seriously, we were there for nearly four hours! I thought for certain that I was going to have to murder somebody.

Thank God we didn’t have G$ with us. How sweet would that have been?

Ace, Cool and I left the hospital starving, so we headed to the Pasta House, as is our tradition.

I watched as the waitress walked up to two different tables to greet them and at both tables the people were talking on their cell phones.

The waitress stood there for several seconds and waited both times for the assholes to wrap up their conversations and acknowledge her.

When she finally made her way to our table, I asked her what the fuck the deal was with her waiting for people to end their phone calls while she stood there instead of coming over and taking care of us first instead (this is a waitress I know, we’re pals…I wasn’t being a dick to a stranger). She rolled her eyes and said it happens all the time.

Hey people, get off your phones until you’ve ordered or ask the waitress quickly if she can come back in a little bit. I hate you people.

I sometimes feel like Al Bundy from the old Married with Children show.

Remember Al? He always had a story that began with “A fat woman walked into the shoe store today…”

Who doesn’t love fat women stories?

So a fat woman was at the register at Walgreens the other day when I walked into the store. The cashier had an obvious pained or exasperated look on her face and I wondered if tubby was giving her a hard time about the correct price of Cadbury Eggs or marshmallow Peeps or something.

I went and fetched my stuff and was delighted to see Fatilda still working the cashier over.

I don’t know why, but I just find fat people delightful and this woman was wonderful for about ninety seconds.

She was wearing a purple sweat suit that really brought out the bubble in her ass.

The holdup was apparently due to this woman having to conduct fifteen separate transactions in order to utilize all the coupons and what not that she had.


Thankfully, by the time I was at the register, she was on her last transaction. The cashier looked like she was about four seconds away from taking off her vest and just walking out the door.

Grimace was trying to purchase all of the remaining Slim Jims and Sweet Tart packs in the store.

For real??

This poor cashier had to leave her register, walk down a couple of aisles really quickly, commiserate with a manager for a second, and then assure this mastodon that she was indeed wiping the store clean of its Slim Jim and Sweet Tart supply.

“We have no more, ma’am.”

Fatty smiled at me as I stood there like an idiot waiting in line with my twelve pack of beer and Children’s Advil for which I’d be paying full price.

I kid you not when I say that she had no less than twenty of those three foot long Slim Jims and countless packs of Sweet Tarts on the counter.

Her bill was $.22! What!?? That’s twenty-two cents people! Wow!

I don’t know who needs that much of either of those products at one time, but I have to admit I was impressed with her couponing prowess.

Had she been a skinny person, I’d probably have wanted to choke her, but her jolly fat person aura was pleasing to me.

I’m really enjoying all this “writing” that I’ve been doing. As if blogging about stupid shit like fat ladies in Walgreen’s doesn’t take up enough of what little free time I have, I’ve gone ahead and found a new distraction.


I did more in two hours last night as far as discovering my family history than my dad could share with me in my forty years of living.

How do you not know your grandma’s name, dad??? Jesus Christ…grrr!

Anyway, it’s pretty cool. Just last night, I traced my dad’s side back to his great grandparents. I could only find their names, but hey, it was only a couple of hours.

I learned what cities in Italy my great grandparents were born, when they left Italy, the name of the boats they left on and when they arrived here in the US of A. Pretty neat.

Let’s see, what else?

This global warming is starting to piss me off too.

It’s March 26 and we just got twelve inches of snow dumped on us in some parts around here this past weekend.

The kids had a snow day yesterday. There goes another vacation day down the shitter for momma! We’re hoping to be able to spend at least one of our combined vacation days with each other this year, instead of just with these little bastards alone.

We’ve literally spent the past eight weekends in the house while different members of the household have been sick.


We have cabin fever and we’re all about to kill each other.

Please weather, warm up so we can send the kids outside and air out this house.

Honestly, do you feel angry at me that you spent three minutes of your life reading this knowing
you’ll never get those minutes back?? I just reread it and hate myself a little.


Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday!

This entry was posted in Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Random gripes and stuff…

  1. whinybaby says:

    How did you entertain children for four hours in a hospital? That sounds like a nightmare (and I’m an expert at making boring things fun).

    • We were losing them, believe me! By the time we left, neither of us had a charge on our phone left and the promise of Pasta House for lunch had to be kept.

      Had G$ been there, it would have ended in disaster though. He’s not easily contained or distracted like the older ones.

  2. Maggie O'C says:

    What is going on with Cool? Which I think is the name of the mulatto child in the movie Parenthood. Does he have allergies? Should I know this?

  3. Katie says:

    I’m always behind a character like the one you described in Walgreens. One time a woman of noteworthy proportions didn’t enough money to buy all eight two-liter bottles of Orange Soda she had, so the cashier had to void the transaction and call a manager. My look have anguish must have reflected in the theft-prevention mirrors on the ceiling, because the guy in the photo area told me to step over. So now I’m carrying his child.

  4. Amber Perea says:

    I hate the people (and why is it always Walgreens btw) that question the price and I am behind them and want to freak out. Just pay the extra 60 cents for goodness sales! Hell, I’ll pay it just to get this show on the road! 🙂

    • I know, right? I’ve only seen these couponasauruses four or five times, and every time has been at a Walgreen’s. That must be the place to annoy cashiers and hold up lines.

  5. barbtaub says:

    I remember the days when I had 3 kids under age 5. The greatest six months we ever had was when our pediatrician put the whole family on prophylactic doses of antibiotics. I felt so bulletproof, we actually planned a vacation. On which my daughter broke her arm, my son had to get medical evac because he turned out to be allergic to wasp stings, and the family we went with decided to divorce. Best vacation we ever had.

    Gotta love the ancestry stuff. We had a very… religious… neighbor who went on and on about how he could trace his family back to Noah. My then 9-year-old said to him, “We go back to Adam and Eve.”

  6. 1tric says:

    I can pay someone to find you some of that Irish blood your searching for! I think my kids dyslexia is rubbing off on me because I kept reading “farty” for “fatty”. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to remember to take a coupon to a supermarket!

    • Wait, you have supermarkets? Why did I think the Irish just foraged for potatoes about the land or ate pickled eggs at a pub? The information I have about your lovely sounding country is grossly inadequate!

  7. juju333 says:

    So tell me did you forget to take your ADD meds today? This shit (post) was all over the place. And just but the kid in a bubble, or have him just tough out those allergies like people did in the olden days. I’m sure at this point he is allergic to needles. I once went for allergy testing and they said I wasn’t allergic to anything except the needles and they made me pass out cold. YEP, good ole smelling salts that day and no one to take me out to eat at some pasta place.

    • It was a random post, yes! I do sometimes get myself all hey look, a shiny red ball!! Ooooh, pretty grass hey, is that dog licking himself? Wait, what? Oh yeah, he’ll grow out of it. I already yelled at him and told him to do so.

  8. juju333 says:

    BTW this was not a total waste of 3 minutes but those crazy people at the store that hold us up owe us some time. And I want mine back!

  9. Learning the hard way says:

    The four year old really wanted to be called ‘cool’? Not Sponge Bob or Kung Fu panda? The first born spent her fourth year dressed in the full batman clobber with a fairy tutu over the top…and she’s the straight one now…go figure.
    We don’t really do the coupon thing here so much, but large folk with 50 packs of cut price Tim Tams (FYI: awesomely delicious chocolate biscuits..ok, cookies…that have no rival anywhere) in the 8 items or less queue should named and shamed.
    I just get older and crankier 😒

  10. Oh my! There is too much here to comment on. But I will say that I do not feel my life was wasted reading this! Why is it that random crap entertains me? And if you are loving family history research you might as well become a mormon! My father in law has traced his lines back to the 1700s and has had to do DNA testing on strangers in Scotland to figure out which ancestors to follow next. Crazy stuff!! He loves it so much you could probably call him up and he would do yours for you. We always joke that he likes dead people more than people that are alive!

    • Somebody did tell me that Mormons were really big into collecting such data. Is that true or is it just your dad? It was fun for the 2 hours I did it, but I’ve lost interest. Maybe your dad can pick up where I left off? I’ll give him some golf cart gas money.

      • No this is my father in law! And yes all Mormons are supposed to do their family history.

      • Well I’ll be! I learned something new and it’s only 8:30. That’s fascinating to me. So each individual is supposed to do so? How far back? If your dad already did it, can’t you just borrow his work?

        Us Catholics are supposed to volunteer at the Lenten fish fry, but it’s more fun to drink beer and eat the fish than not drink beer and fry it.

  11. Pingback: “If looks could have killed, [she] would have been bleeding profusely from the forehead.” ~Julia Quinn | Alicia Benton

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s