Monday…

I enjoy pretending that I’m more intelligent than I really am.

One thing I notice about people I assume are intelligent is that they like to talk about current events, particularly politics and what not.

So when I fired up the iPad this morning and saw that Margaret Thatcher had passed away, I knew that I would find myself discussing her life and death with someone today, even if only in order to make myself feel like a man who’s up on things (do the cool kids still say that?).

So as to include my own family in the act of sounding smarter than I really am, I pestered my daughter while she tried to enjoy her bowl of cereal in peace.

“Hey, Margaret Thatcher just died. What do you think about that?” I asked like a cool cat.

I got a frumpy look and sneer that was clearly asking why I wasn’t already out of the house and on my way to work.

“Do you think you guys will talk about her in school today?”

“I doubt it dad,” Ace said. “We’re learning state capitals and don’t have time to talk about other things unless they’re very important.”

“Well la di freakin’ dah to you! Since when is the death of the Queen of Canada not important?”

She furrowed her brow while taking another bite of her Frosted Flakes and shook her head.

“Flah monent thon wit,” she said with a mouth full of cereal and chin drippng with milk. Classy girl.

“What?”

“That doesn’t sound right, dad. I’m pretty sure there is no queen of Canada. Some Harper guy is running that place. He’s the prime minister or something.”

“That’s ridiculous, dear. You’re just a silly 9 year old. You should ask your teacher about it and distract her from her lesson plan. Teachers like to be sidetracked by current events.”

I made my way to the couch and fired up the iPad again, just to be sure.

I’m glad I had this conversation with my daughter. It turns out that I need to read more than just the headlines of Yahoo news articles because, apparently, she was Prime Minister of the United Kindom and not the Queen of Canada.

I sat on my couch and contemplated the potential embarrassment I avoided. All day long, I was going to say things to fellow bus riders and coworkers such as, “She was the best Queen Canada has ever known and she had freakishly strong thighs.”

Now that I’m looking, I’m not even sure that she had strong thighs. It’s not mentioned on Wikipedia at all! That may have been something I read on Onion.com (which is apparently NOT a reliable news source!) or seen in a Saturday Night Live skit.

It’s difficult to properly process all the information I take in.

As I sat there relieved that I could now better fake my days worth of Margaret Thatcher conversations, I noticed Cool sitting on the other end of the couch gawking at me in disgust. Jesus, where did he come from!?

He had a strange look on his face, the sort of look I’d imagine a child would have were he to walk in on his mom and dad doing the nasty outside the covers!

It dawned on me, after a few seconds, that he was watching me cram my finger up my nose.

“What?” I asked anyway. “How long have you been sitting there?”

“You say, you say not to do that, daddy.”

“Do what?” I ask defensively.

“Pick my nose.”

“No, no, no!! That’s not what I say, Cool. I say that you shouldn’t pick your nose while other people are watching you, and that you should never eat whatever you pick!”

That’s good parenting advice right there, since they’re gonna do it anyway.

He continued to look at me in disgust so I told him something or other about my nose having an itch that needed scratching and left for work with my tail between my legs and feeling a little dumber and more disgusting than I did when I woke up.

Thanks kids.

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43 Responses to Monday…

  1. Amy says:

    HA! This cracked me up but hold the phone…the Onion is not a reliable news source? WHAT THE HELL.

  2. Amber Perea says:

    A Professor once told me (when a VC Andrews book came tumbling out of my bag) that we are only as intelligent as what we feed our brain.

    Well, then I’m a happy and entertained moron and the current state of other country’s affairs bores me even more so than the state of affairs where I live. So when pseudo intellectuals are droning on about whatever it is that they talk about…tell ’em about the strong thighs. That’s the only part worth hearing! πŸ™‚

    • Mancakes says:

      **throws 50 Shades of Grey book across room** SAY WHAT?! I’m screwed!

      • Ha ha, literally, if that’s the crap you’re reading! See, now I have to Google VC Andrews so that I can participate in this conversation. Did you know that VC Andrews was born in Portsmouth, Virginia and that the capital of Virginia is Richmond?

      • Mancakes says:

        Gawd no… I got through about two chapters of the book before I literally DID throw it against the wall in disappointment… it’s embarrassingly bad.

      • Amber Perea says:

        Right? Look Real Housewives of wherever-in-the-heck is LIKE national geographic…just with fancier clothing! πŸ˜‰

      • Amber Perea says:

        And VC Andrews was a childish phase of an author that writes (a suspicious amount) about a lot of poor people and incest. What can I say? Sometimes brain garbage is fun. πŸ™‚

    • Jen Spencer says:

      Margaret who ? Omg, I love VC Andrews. Do you know she’s been dead for years but they keep using her name as the author. I’ve been hooked since the 80s. Flowers in the Attic. its pretty sick, but whatever. his sister was really pretty and they WERE stuck in that attic for a long time. And now “she ” is writing books with vampires as characters. Yippee.

  3. Yes, researching current events is soooooooo boring!! I’ve never been able to make myself read a newspaper, but I like to be included in conversations. I mostly nod my head and interject the one or two facts that I’m mostly certain are true, even if they aren’t even close to on point with the topic. So when there’s a conversation about how the Columbian government is supporting guerrilla terrorism implicitly, I may say something like “Columbian soccer player Carlos Valderrama used to play center midfield and was a deft passer of the ball.” When the others look at me funny, I can still say “It’s true, look it up!” I can’t find where I learned the strong thigh knowledge though…

    • Amber Perea says:

      My knowledge of current events is limited to what is posted of Facebook…though I do have a grip of psuedo intellectual friends so I can say I am leaning towards knowledgeable. I just can never quite figure out why the care so much. Baffles me, really. πŸ˜‰

      • Some people are just douches, Amber. They can’t help it.

        It wouldn’t kill NickJr to throw in some adult content in like 30 second spurts to keep parents informed about what’s going on so that when we do finally hear something later on, we’re not the only one’s in the room blurting out “OMG, the twin towers were hit by planes??!!!!” “IN 2001!!!?????” Lol. You know, maybe even a news ticker at the bottom of the screen so we can look away from Maisy and Caillou and all that jazz…

      • Amber Perea says:

        Ooooh, a bottom ticker of adult content! Like Sportcenter? I’m in, where do I sign? πŸ™‚

  4. Go Jules Go says:

    The day I get my news outside of The Onion / Daily Show / SNL is the day a baby chipmunk dies. I can’t let that happen.

    To think, all this time I’d been modeling my thighs after Margaret Thatcher. I really need to rethink my major life decisions. Thank you for enlightening me. See, some good has come of all of this.

    • Embrace that! You can start a line of sweatpants and shorty shorts that say Perfectly Thatched or “Primely Ministered” or something on the ass with little arrows pointing to the wearer’s fabulous thighs!

  5. cookie1986 says:

    You should have just messaged me. I could have told you that she was not the Queen of Canada, and saved you the trouble. I know she’s not, not because I am politically well versed, but because I am the Princess of Canada. And that would have made Thatcher my mother.
    Duh.

  6. 1tric says:

    Here in Ireland she was not popular. Anyway this evening on http://www.rte.ie/ which is our radio and news channel web site, the opening page has a picture of maggie announcing her death. No hassle there. However sky are the sponsors so above the picture is the logo “The Wait Is Over” which is their latest promo!

  7. Hill says:

    I love that you mentioned Valderrama…now there are some strong thighs!

  8. Katie says:

    My friend texted me about her death before I heard, and she criticized one of my other friends for being oblivious. …I Googled before I responded. Let’s keep that between you and me.

    The name sounded familiar at least!

  9. juju333 says:

    OMG, I just don’t know what to say. It is hilarious that your daughter knew that her teacher would not talk about some dead person from across the pond. And that your son was disgusted by your “nose itch.”

    Our kids are always smarter than us; this is called survival of the fittest. Just wait they aren’t even tweenagers yet.

    And I feel so at home with all of my fellow blissfully ignorant friends. There is so much more to life then current politics. That is until it affects me personally.

  10. Hilarious!! When you mentioned freakishly strong thighs, I thought you were talking about me!! I can crack a nut between my knees, you know. πŸ˜‰

  11. hahahaha! Thanks for making me laugh. I dread the day when my kids know more than me. Which, I think maybe my 4 year old already does. He is just not letting on just yet. Probably trying not to hurt my feelings.

  12. Jen Spencer says:

    Btw, if Kelly Ripa doesn’t mention it the morning, it’s not important. But sometimes I check with Hoda and Kathie Lee just in case.

  13. Bridget says:

    First Margaret Thatcher, then mere hours later, my smart phone tells me Annette Funicello died today, too. It’s said these things happen in threes – its now 20 minutes till midnight — wonder who it will be?

    Is there really someone in Ireland reading your blog? I am so very impressed.

    Oh, and your kids are hilarious.

  14. Laura Lynn says:

    Jeez…I JUST found out that Margaret Thatcher died on your blog. What the hell…WAIT. Are you kidding? Maybe this is a trick! Jon Stewart didnt mention it. I might have to sign off and check the ‘real world’. Jeez…

  15. Carol says:

    I know that Donnie will not know who this is – but Bridget it did come in 3s. Lilly Pulitzer died on Sunday. Remember our preppy days in high school.

    • Bridget says:

      Thanks for that, Carol. I can now quit waiting for the other shoe to drop. You never know what you will learn on this blog.

  16. Mancakes says:

    Hey puddin’ head I gave you a little shout out today in appreciation …and the Drake video has some impressive ta tas about a minute in as my thank you gift to you. πŸ™‚ http://mancakestheblog.wordpress.com/2013/04/10/the-night-i-lost-my-virginity/

  17. rebecca2000 says:

    The cool cat kids will always keep you in your place.

  18. keladelaide says:

    Hey Don, I just popped over here from Amber’s and found we have some mutual buddies who have great taste in blogs. Who died? Oh well, count me in anyway.

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