It was a Friday morning in 1992 and I was just waking up from being passed out in the cemetery across the street from campus. As usual when I would wake up in the cemetery on a Friday morning across the street from campus, I didn’t have any pants on.
My head was throbbing and my buttocks was bothering me as well. I looked and noticed a small, painful welt on my left ass cheek.
I suddenly felt some movement and noticed this nasty spider looking thing scurry from the back of my left leg and into the grass. It was a quick little bugger and was out of sight before I could smash the crap out of it for biting me.
I quickly felt a tingling in my body but didn’t know for sure whether or not it was from drinking too much beer from a red solo cup the night before with a bunch of frat boy douchebags, or if that spider had poisoned me. I thought I’d seen somewhere that brightly colored insects were poisonous. Or was that just lizards and frogs?
Well, either way, the internet wasn’t around back then and I wasn’t worried enough to walk 240 yards to the campus library, so I just went to my dorm room for some pants and a bowl of Frosted Flakes instead. Nothing made me feel better after a night of drinking back then than a bowl of Frosted Flakes and a Coke , so I sucked down a Coke with my cereal and laid in my bed. Friday classes be damned!
I fell asleep for several hours, but managed to wake up before the cafeteria was done serving lunch, which was good news because it was taco day. I ate 12 hard tacos and 4 soft shelled tacos for good measure and went back to my dorm for an afternoon nap (good god I miss college!).
After a few hours, my afternoon nap was rudely interrupted by what I assumed was 16 recently eaten tacos racing to exit my duodenum via my anus as quickly as possible. I ran to the communal men’s room and made dookie just in time all over my beloved stall number 3. I noticed the sound of somebody showering, so mid dook, I flushed the toilet just to be a dick.
“Aaaaaaah, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!” someone screamed from the showers almost immediately. It sounded like it was Greg who had just gotten a sudden 40 degree increase in his water temperature from the flushing toilet, but I couldn’t be sure. It was an oddity that the temperature of the showers would increase via toilet flushing, but it was also great fun to a bunch of college freshmen.
Anyway, when I turned to flush the toilet (we used to have to do it manually young people) I noticed a strange white substance all over the inside of the toilet. It looked like a caterpillar nest or spider web cluster mixed with feces, of course. I assumed the white stuff had been there before I sat down and thought nothing more of it.
I went back to my room to finish up that afternoon nap and noticed that my roommate James had returned from whatever it was that he did for fun.
“Rough night, Don?”
“I woke up in the cemetery again, James, if that tells you anything.”
James started laughing like he did every time he learned that I’d passed out in the cemetery. “Why do you keep going to the cemetery?” He managed to ask between breathes increasingly difficult for him to take due to his guffawing.
I flipped him the bird and dropped my shorts. In my best Monty Python French guy guarding the holy grail voice imitation, I told James, “I fart in your general direction!” I lifted my leg to rip one towards James for laughing at me when I heard my underpants rip and James scream in surprise “Holy cow!!!!” James didn’t curse in college.
I turned in horror to notice that James was pinned against the far wall by that same white substance that I’d noticed in the toilet! This time it was obvious that I’d just shit a giant spider web from my ass!
James was stunned and completely stuck to the wall. In my head, I was freaking the fuck out. “Oh, God, that spider gave me cancer!!!” I kept thinking to myself.
“What the fuck, James? What was that?” I began to tear the webbing away from him and noticed that my favorite pair of briefs had a giant hole from where this web thing came through them.
James, even at 19 years old, was a comic book and super hero guy just like those Big Bang Theory fellas on tv are. James was that way before it was cool though. He looked positively giddy.
I knew what he was thinking and I told him that I was bitten on the ass by a weird blue and red spider.
“Don, a blue and red spider that went all radioactive is missing from the science lab right here on campus! I bet that’s the one that bit you!” James was stammering like a mad man he was so pumped. “I think you might be a real life Spider Man!”
We both sat on our respective beds and caught our breaths. I thought to myself that I could really go for a shot or something. I imagined James was probably trying to hide an erection he no doubt had at the thought of himself being the Mary Jane to my Spider Man.
“See if you can climb the walls in the dorm room,” he suddenly said.
“What?” I asked.
“Spidey can climb walls. See if you can.”
I stood up from my bed. I didn’t feel any different other than the tingling, but when I put my hands and feet on the wall, I stuck there like a bug! The weight of my body was seemingly nonexistent as there was no extra strain on my legs or arms to hold my body in place. I was just there on the wall, as easily as if I were standing upright on the ground.
“Holy fuck, James!” I’m a real life Spider Man!
I crawled all up and down the walls and ceiling of the room with no problems! I felt exhilarated and stronger than I’d ever felt before in my life.
When I got back to my feet, James asked me to shoot another web.
Ok, I can do that I guess. I put my hands up like Spider Man used to do on the Electric Company, but nothing happened. I even made some pew, pew, pew gun noises, but still nothing.
I told James that maybe I don’t have that ability.
“Try farting again, Don.” He said while trying to stifle laughter.
I thought about it and figured, what the heck? I focused my energy towards my bowels and visualized those tacos until I finally farted again. I thought I’d farted anyway, but a web shot out my ass like a bullet again, all over the door!
“Holy shit!” I screamed.
James was laughing himself into a fucking tizzy.
“Oh, ooooooh, oh no way,” he said. “You’re a Spider Man who shoots webs out your butt!!! This is hilariously awesome!!”
I wanted to punch James in his face, but he was out the door before I could even think that thought through.
He was suddenly in the hallway yelling for his pal Linus to come into our room. Linus was James’s equal when it came to all things nerd, especially superheros.
I blurted out, “James, I really don’t think we need to tell everybody about this! What the fuck, man? I’m not going to…” It occurred to me that I didn’t know what I was going to do with my new-found abilities. I did have some thinking to do.
“Don, shoot Linus with a web,” James implored me while interrupting my thoughts.
“No! It’s embarrassing!”
“Come on, Don, shoot me with a web. I’m a scientist and this is strictly scientific. I won’t tell a soul”
Exasperated, I sighed….
“Ok, fine, Linus.” I said and bent over to rip a good web towards him.
I struggled, but finally felt a web making its way out my butthole. I pushed and grunted and POW!
I shit diarrhea all over Linus’s legs!
“Oh my GOD, you pooped on me! Grooosssssss!!!!” yelped Linus as he ran out of our room.
“Oh man, I’m so sorry dude! I’m still trying to figure this out!!” I was genuinely sorry that I’d pooped on Linus, as he was a good guy. “Don’t tell anyone I pooped on you, Linus!!”
“What was that all about, Don?” James asked.
“I don’t know how this works, James! I’ve got one butthole and two things wanting to exit from it and I just ate 16 tacos! It’s literally a crapshoot as to what’s coming out at this point.”
I told James that I needed some air and swore to him that if he told anybody about my new abilities that I’d shit a web or possibly shit, whichever came out, all over him while he slept. James promised to keep it between us and I trusted him; he was good people.
I walked outside and made my way to a secluded area at the rear of our dorm building and scaled the brick wall, spider-like, all the way to the roof with hardly any effort needed. I walked around the roof for a bit and then sat in a corner of the building waiting for the sun to go down.
Once it was dark, I was going to go out. I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I was definitely going to see what sort of trouble I could get into with my new abilities.
I closed my eyes for yet another nap up on the roof. I hoped to myself that I’d still have my abilities when I woke up, because I didn’t see an easy way down from the roof, if not. In the meantime though, I planned to dream about Spider Man and wished to remember anything useful that may come to me in my dreams.