Just writing SOMETHING, oh, and maybe run another 1/2 marathon.

For the love of fuck, I just can’t seem to jump start my brain into conjuring up anything funny, creative, meaningful, stupid, or even mediocre, to write lately.

I’ve scrapped numerous shitty blog posts that I’d started because if the words don’t start to come to me immediately, then I know I’m forcing something that won’t be fun and that never turns out well for any of us.  This is supposed to be an entertaining release for me whenever I get the urge, but gosh darnit, all you fun people out there who read this crap and comment with me have made me miss your interaction.

Speaking of crap, Todd and Margo of Miracle of 2011 fame invited us to their lake house with them last weekend.  By invited I mean that I’ve been hounding him for two years to take us to the lake, and by their lake house, I mean that his mother let him use her lake house.

During the course of what couldn’t have been much more than 40 hours, I think I managed to cram a case of Bud Light Lime down my gullet along with nearly an entire bag of Doritos and several other not so nutritious items of crap such as four pancakes the size of hubcaps and all the breakfast accompanyments a man could want at my new favorite breakfast joint.  We hit that joint twice it was so good.  Even Margo forced herself to eat a couple of chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.  Of course, she didn’t drink a single drop of alcohol all weekend or abuse her body with the other crap that the rest of us did, so I guess she wins.  Plus I think she ran about six miles the next morning to burn those naughty pancake calories off.

The speaking of crap segue was meant to be a reference to a funny story I was going to tell about when we took the boat out, but I can’t figure out how to tell it to do it proper justice. The boat apparently has a portal where piss is stored (only piss since there’s a no #2 rule on the boat) and it was about 3/4 full.  At some point in previous weeks, Todd and Margo’s darling little three year old niece violated the no #2 rule because, when a three year old has to go, she has to go!  Anyway, the theory, well, our theory, was that somehow these little turds chemically combined with the gallons of piss already in the boat and created a perfect storm of funk.  When we finally got ourselves situated in a cove to swim and drink in, every so often a godawful smell would make it’s way into our olfactory glands.  I mean it was fucking putrid!  My sense of smell is horrendous, so for me to smell it, it was bad.  My wife can sniff shit out like a blood hound, so it had to be much worse for her. At first, we thought one of the houses in the cove must have had a septic tank issue, but no, eventually it became clear that we were floating around the SS Shitstank and were causing the unpleasantness.  There’s nothing like floating on a noodle and drinking beer, so a little intermittent, violent violating of the ole nose wasn’t enough to ruin my good time fun.

Add this weekend to the ridiculous feeding frenzy I enjoyed on my family vacation, and I was feeling like a bloated piece of whale turd come Sunday night.  I was at my heaviest weight ever, I’m positive.

Margo must have been less than impressed by having had to see my exposed upper half as I frolicked in the lake, because on the same Sunday we returned from the lake, she sent me a text that I should join her in another 1/2 marathon soon.

…………………………………………what?  Are you serious?

It was one thing the first time when I was in my 30’s and running for my pride.  I mean, come one, I had to show her and Todd that I could do it back then, right?  Well I did, and my feet have been bothering me ever since!

Still, like a dumbass, I ran it by Wife and she also thought it was a fine idea.  What the fuck, dear?  I thought for sure she’d tell me I was an idiot for even thinking about doing it again. I think the ladies conspired to somehow trick me into losing weight.

So yes, I am going to TRY to train for and run a half marathon in October.  I didn’t want to throw it out here because there doesn’t seem to be any realistic way that this is going to happen because, did I mention that my feet are really sore at me for trying this?  When I did this in 2011, I was certainly in better shape after the race than when I started the training, but I didn’t lose as much weight as I’d thought I would.  Much of that was due to the fact that I didn’t change my diet at all (I figured I was running so I could eat whatever I wanted to, right) and I drank beer pretty frequently.  Not as frequently as I had been, but still too much for a man in training.

This time, I’m going to try to eat a bit better and cut back drastically on the beer consumption.  I’m not quitting the beer, mind you, but I’ll maybe keep it to less than 10 a week.  That sounds pretty easy, right?  Well, I could drink 10 Bud Light Limes before the Cardinals have to call in the first relief pitcher during a Jake Westbrook started ballgame. It’s not unusual for me to go through twice that in a week recently, and that’s way too much booze.

Thus far, I’ve taken to drinking protein shakes instead of skipping breakfast and started my running regimen by getting in a four and a three mile run this week already.  I didn’t feel too bad I guess after either run.  I haven’t had any beer since Saturday at the lake, and I’m eating much better than I was.  I’ve already lost the weight I’d put on during my vacation/lake food and booze orgy, plus a couple that were there even before that.

I think with some patience, if I stick to what I’ve been doing, I’ll lose some weight eventually.  I’m not built to be fat, so I think my body will cooperate.  Once I lose some weight, then running should be easier on my feet, right?  It’ll all be downhill after that I’m sure.

I know, whatever Don.  Hey, it’s worth a try.

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60 Responses to Just writing SOMETHING, oh, and maybe run another 1/2 marathon.

  1. Maggie O'C says:

    I thought you wrote “I crapped numerous shitty blog posts”. You should have written that.

    Todd and Margo, are you kidding? Those are the uptight neighbors in Christmas Vacation!

    and yeah, I started losing 20 lbs 2 years ago. Best of luck!

  2. ardenrr says:

    Come on, Don. Tell the truth. It was you who broke the no #2 rule, right?

    Good luck on the 1/2 marathon! It sounds horrendous!

  3. Fresh Ginger says:

    Good luck to you! I exercise so I can eat more. 🙂

  4. djmatticus says:

    “Happy” running! (*ahem – better you than me – ahem*) 😀

  5. wow. a 1/2 marathon. and just think, not too long ago you gave the blogging world permission to hound your ass off the couch. that’s great. just training for something is motivating. go you. now, go. GO! haha

  6. modeejae says:

    Thanks for the inspiration! I’m not going to do a 1/2 marathon but I will get off the couch!

    ~Good Luck!

  7. I just laughed at the first sentence! I wasn’t sure if you said for the love of fuck, or you love to fuck….then it was just all down hill from there….

  8. Good luck! Just stick to the training and rules you’ve set for yourself and I’m sure you’ll do fine!

    • aliciabenton says:

      You’re always so damn positive. No, he won’t be fine. He’ll pass out half-way through, and upon waking up, he’ll beg for another Bud Light Lime, eat a bag of Doritos, and move back to the couch to watch his favorite shitty TV show.

      Ah, now that’s more like the DOAT that I know…

    • Sticking to it is always where I fall off the wagon, but I think I’m more committed this time than in the past. Time will tell I guess. Thanks.

  9. Katie says:

    The half marathon…. You must insane. Not because I don’t think you can do it, but just because I have no idea why anyone would ever want to travel that far on foot without someone murderous chasing them.

  10. I’m thinking my limit is a 5K where you run through mud or something.

  11. Christina says:

    1/2 marathon? Try a Tough Mudder then I’ll be impressed!

  12. Carrie Rubin says:

    Always good to have a #2 rule on a boat. But remember, he who smelt it shat it…

    Good luck with the training. I hope you stick with it. Just think of the bragging you can do afterwards!

  13. Woohoo to you getting some exercise in…and not skipping meals! It’s a start.

    Yeah. I did a color run 5k. It was fun and all, but I’ve realized running may not be the ideal “get in shape” exercise for yours truly. Thankfully, I live in Florida…and have a pool in the back yard. I’m finding that swimming laps is more to my liking…and that my body seems to prefer it. So far this week, 3 work outs under my belt. 😀

    • Swimming is awesome exercise! I wish we had a pool that we could use most of the year, but we’re SOL as far as that goes so I’ll try running. Those color runs are very popular around here too!

  14. I am considering training for this Redneck Run thing, which I guess is a 5K kind of thing with “redneck type” obstacles. I told a friend of mine if I’m going to do it there better be beer waiting at the finish line, because isn’t that usually what a redneck runs for?? lol

  15. adixon210 says:

    Half marathon=amazing. I recently realized I can bare running if I’m watching guilty pleasure programming at the same time. My fiancée likes this because he no longer has to watch Project Runway. And hey, you came up with some funny/creative things to say pretty easily here, sir (Good crap segue).

  16. I love how you write about nothing and get a million likes. Jerk. But, you know I really like you, because here I am, commenting on a post about nothing!! Good luck on the 1/2 marathon. That sounds like torture to me.

  17. tric says:

    Good one Don. Great excuse for not blogging, or answering comments, you were out training! If I were forced to choose between my body or wine…. I think I’d choose wine and sell the mirrors. At least after a few drinks I’d imagine I was whatever I would wish to be. Your wife could do the same and she might see you in a whole new light.

    • She can’t drink wine anymore without getting a bad hangover. The kids ruined her apparently. I bet you’re into fitness still, if you can swim with those youngsters you’d have to be!

      • tric says:

        Your poor wife. I think my kids greatly enhanced my wine drinking ability, even though my husband still doesn’t drink!
        I suppose I am relatively fit, the pool is the only place where perhaps I am a small bit “cool” in my kids mind. It is good to still be better than them in something! Good luck with your run, the initial training is the worst… or so I’m told.

  18. cookie1986 says:

    If I can gestate a 9 pound baby for an eternity and then pop him out without any drugs, you should be able to pull off another marathon. I mean, my labour lasted 30 hours. It can’t possibly take more than that to run a marathon, can it?

  19. PinotNinja says:

    Are we living the same life? I had a similar excessive weekend last weekend — just sub in the Florida Keys for the lake, Corona Light for BLL, and biscuits & gravy (because this is the south) for giant pancakes — and am still feeling a lot worse for the wear.

    Maybe its time for me to get my 1/2 marathon on. I heard all the kids are doing it these days.

  20. mollytopia says:

    Now I want pancakes. But I would have to get out of bed and go downstairs. I don’t like my chances. But I do like your chances of running another half marathon – yay you! Go Don go!

    • You’re silly! Put on yer pants and make some pancakes for God’s sake! They’re never the same at home though. They’re always much better out in a restaurant for some reason…Thank you ma’am!

  21. barbtaub says:

    [I tried to post this last night but my smart phone apparently outsmarted me.]

    There is only one thing I hate more than exercise and that’s wasting money. (Okay, two things if you don’t count buying a new car in the wasting money column.) But after sleeping with me for about 150 years, my husband knows all the buttons to push in his campaign to get me to exercise. He prepaid for the gym membership, knowing I wouldn’t be able to stand having all that money go to waste. The bastard…

    • Sounds like that man of yours knows what he’s doing! He has a campaign to get you to exercise though? I thought that was one of those things that got us kicked in the nuts by our wives most of the time?

  22. genext13 says:

    Hilarious Don! I lookforward to more posts about training for the half. I have a full coming in January and an ultramarathon in March. I am looking to lose 20 pounds in the process of training. You mentioned your feet have not been the same since you ran before. Have you read Born to Run by Chris McDougall? Great book! http://www.amazon.com/Born-Run-Hidden-Superathletes-
    Greatest/dp/0307279189

    • I have not, but I’ll definitely check it out. If I can get this 1/2 in without any major physical breakdowns, I may carry on and try a whole marathon. That would be a freaking miracle though! Good luck to you with yours. I don’t know what an ultramarathon is, but it sounds awful.

      • genext13 says:

        Awful is in the perspective. Any ultramarathon is longer than marathon distance. This one is about 50 miles. Honestly, a full marathon takes a bit more resolve to agree to run. Actualy running it really only takes a bit more time . The most difficult part is in your mind, not in the activity.

  23. Laura Lynn says:

    I can’t imagine running anywhere. I’m really giving it some thought here. Hmmmm, nope. No running. I have been told to get a pair of those hiker canes though. I’m going to San Francisco In a couple weeks so I think with all the hills I’ll be able to use them. And look all cool. It’ll be the next trend. All I want to do is sit in little Italy eating cannoli and drinking coffee and slipping over 3 blocks to Chinatown to eat dim sum. It’s an eating vacation. Like the boat and probably just as smelly.

    • Your plan to eat cannolis and drink coffee sounds fabulous! I like eating vacations. That’s half the fun of vacation is eating out all the time at places we’ve never been to. Enjoy San Francisco! I’ve never been, but it looks like a great city. I want to go to a baseball game there. The stadium looks sweet.

  24. Daile says:

    Hahahaha! A half marathon. Dude, I wouldn’t even attempt that. Good luck to you my friend, I will be cheering for you from across the sea.

  25. Seriously. Their names are Margo and Todd?! “And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? I DON’T KNOW MARGO!” is all I could think about while reading your post. And fuck yeah! A half marathon? Color me impressed…even if you only train. Good luck!

  26. gimpet says:

    Cutting the beer alone will do it. A friend of mine was drinking 8 Dr Peppers a day. She stopped cold turkey and lost 40 pounds in 2 months! Heck, you could have your very own stalker within 4 months tops if you add running and use the 6 pack to describe your abs only…

    • A pal of mine used to give up beer for lent and he’d lose 15-20 pounds during the course of those 40 days or whatever it is. I’ve been pretty good and have lost between 5 and 10 pounds depending on the scale’s mood that day.

      • gimpet says:

        I hate men….In June I had a horrible surgery where I couldn’t eat for close to a month. I lost 2 pounds. You suck….although I am also happy for you. Jerk.

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