The beautiful fox…

I saw a fox as I was driving and it was neat.

I pulled to the side of the road and exited my car.

The fox looked at me with a cocked head.

I followed the fox into the woods.

The fox turned to find me and then ran off, further into the woods.

I could not keep up with the fox.

I knew I could not keep up before I even tried, so I did not try.

“Fuck you, fox!” I yelled after the fox. “I don’t want to be your friend anyway!”

But, it was a lie.

I did want to be that fox’s friend.

The fox was orange and red and white and brown and had those gross nipples that nursing dogs with all those puppies get.

I was fascinated by her nipple things, but she ran away from me.

Maybe she had to go feed her pups with her gross nipple things.

A baby fox is a pup, or a cub or even a kit.

Kit is a stupid name for a baby fox, but it is true, I saw it on the internet.

I bid farewell to the benippled vixen and then suddenly, I heard a voice from behind me.

“No, fuck you, sir!” Somebody yelled from the road.

It was a man with a white beard and a cane and he was flipping me the bird with both hands.

He was old and bearded and worn and somewhat toothless and he lowered one hand and grabbed his crotch at me and then he got into my car.

“Holy fuck! He’s stealing my car,” I thought to myself.

And then he did it.

That crusty, old, bearded, bird flipping man drove off in my car as I stood alone in the woods.

I’d lost out on friendship and then I lost my car, both while in those woods.

All because of that gross nippled fox.

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39 Responses to The beautiful fox…

  1. bethteliho says:

    Effing nipples. Every. Time.

  2. cookie1986 says:

    That’s what chasing a bare-nippled red head will get you. Trouble.
    They teach us that in elementary school in Canada. Proving once again our superiority.

  3. Laura Lynn says:

    This is a beautiful allegory. It’s like a parable, right? Or one of those fables by Aesop. It’s so god damned deep…or is it not? This is tricky. It made me laugh and I was busy thinking so my laugh sounded weird, like an evil laugh, and I got a look, one of those looks you get when you go bwah hahaha ha and stop suddenly….now I don’t know what to say. There was an awkward pause while I tried to think of something clever and now I can’t stop typ

    • Haha, one of the best commenters ran out of words?? Rats. Thank you for being able to recognize the deepness of this post. Others are having trouble. I don’t have the heart to tell them it’s because they’re stupid. Lol.

  4. Learning the hard way says:

    so you might be able to answer the question…what DOES the fox say?

  5. tric says:

    Are you on drugs?

  6. this might take me awhile.. i’m going to reread after some coffee and drugs.

  7. Ah, the ravages of Bud Light Lime.

    • I drove past the convenience store on my way home last night knowing I was out of BLL. I was so proud of myself until later in the evening when G$ was wailing from his bed and the dogs wouldn’t stop pacing around and I craved a beer. That’s when I wrote this real It’s amazing, no? Lol. Are suggesting there are residual effects maybe?

  8. Well, now the draft I have going about how grateful I am to be alive just seems trite. Dammit!

  9. djmatticus says:

    Well, you know what they say – it’s better to have chased a fox and had your car stolen than to have never chugged a bud light lime.
    That’s a saying, right?

  10. Wow…true words, true words. How many times have I chased after “the fox” only to have “my car” stolen by a “crusty, old, bearded, bird flipping man” while I wandered lost “in the woods”.

    It’s a true gift to be able to capture raw emotion and convert it to the written word. Beautiful stuff, man!

  11. I Am Jasmine Kyle says:

    Maybe I am simple or have been watching to many illuminati conspiracy video’s today but what are you talking about! Is this a euphemism or did it really happen? I’m confused…

  12. I can’t read anything about a fox without hearing that stupid song in my head. Thanks. Great story. I think….

  13. That dang fox. A trickster, but not as bad as coyote, though, haha. 🙂
    Fun poem/story. 🙂

  14. Koa says:

    Dude, I love this!!!! Always the nipples with the foxes. Every time. Often a stolen car at the end of it.

  15. Christina says:

    That’s just…gross. I love it!!!

  16. findingninee says:

    damn. You’re an amazing writer. I could see the fox’s nipples in my head. Not sure I want to thank you for that but damn. You’re a great writer. F’real.

  17. Holy crap I loved this.

  18. Mental Mama says:

    Whatever you’re taking, I need some.

  19. mollytopia says:

    Oh Don. You ain’t right. You’re perfect : )

  20. It’s true:

    1. One always wants the little rogue wood dweller as friend.
    2. Nursing nipples on a furry mammal are gross.
    3. I laughed. A lot.

  21. I bet that nipply fox and the old, bird flipping man were in kahootz together!!!

  22. jeff says:

    I think that old man was you. You were that old man. You were also the fox. And the car. And the hand on the crotch. And the glistening nipples. I don’t recall you using that word, “glistening”, and I’m far too lazy and careless to check if you did. But those nipples glistened in here [pointing to my heart]. They glisten very well.

    • You’re like one of those literature interpretation allegory finding meaning in things people, right? That automatically makes you one of the three smartest people I know, so congrats on that, sir!

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