Pet parent? uhhh, no…

The remote had somehow made its way to the unoccupied couch across the room. I was trapped in a reclined position on the other comfy leather couch under a warm blanket and my bargain bin Toshiba laptop, way too comfortable and cemented into my ass grooves to alight from my position quickly.

Whatever background noise was on the television had segued into a commercial break. The sound of some dolt trying to sell me products always gets my attention, so I was distracted from my work but in no position to quickly change it to another show so I could carry on.

I suffered through a couple of inane commercials about Lord only knows what before the third one finally sent me into a mental tizzy.

A lady in a recliner was on the television lovingly doting on a cat while it sat on her lap, no doubt thinking, “What the fuck has my life become?”

Linda Lonelypants was clearly distraught about whether or not Mr. Sprinkles was getting enough protein in his diet from his current cat food.

Rest assured, “pet parents,” you can feed your cat whatever the hell the brand was and your cat will live a long and healthy life. I couldn’t tell you what the brand was because after I heard “pet parents,” my brain went all fuzzy.

This must be a new thing because I remember biting my tongue several months ago when I went to pick up Carly (our 9 month old mutt) from the vet after her surgery to get spayed. The woman who went back to get her asked me whose daddy I was when I approached the counter.

Whose daddy?

I’m here for my dog, lady.

Because we like our vet and I didn’t want to offend Tammy Treehugger, the vet tech, I didn’t say anything other than, “I’m here for Carly.”

For whatever reason, this subsequent reference to pet parent annoyed me, quite unreasonably I’m sure. Then I heard it again during some goofy dog training show.

I barely wish to recognize that I’m the daddy to the three humans in the house some of the time, so claiming to be dad to the four-legged nuisances in the house ain’t happening.

I’m not the only one in our house who thinks it’s stupid either.

I'm so laying in my own filth right now.

I’m so laying in my own filth right now.

Not only do I dislike the notion that my dogs are in any way equal in the family hierarchy to even my little cretins, I sometimes wonder if I don’t just outright hate them, period.

This old bitch above is Jojo. She’s like 91 years old in dog years. At this point in her life, she mostly just drives me bonkers in between one of her many naps.

She has selective hearing in the worst way. I can yell at her at the top of my lungs to go lay down when her 80 pound ass is under the table while we’re trying to eat dinner and she’s sort of in the way, but she allegedly can’t hear me.  We’re two feet away and she acts oblivious. Open a bag of chips or jingle the leash even slightly downstairs though and she’ll come running from upstairs ready to go.

When she does at least pretend to hear me, making her move is such a chore. She is old; I’ll give her that. Coaxing her up the stairs can be difficult when her heart isn’t in it, but somehow, she’s able to get her fat ass on the couch during the middle of the night or while we’re away at all.

Those nails on the tile floor! Click, click, click. Oh my God! Make it stop!!! Why the fuck must you follow me around? It’s not love, people. It’s because she has a tapeworm or something and circles the kitchen island like a shark in the water. She knows that with three little ones around, scraps on the ground aren’t a matter of if, but rather when.

They are so bountiful, in fact, that her degenerate, mooching ass can pick and choose what to eat. Dropped grapes, banana slices, salad remnants, tomatoes, etc., go completely untouched. Well, not completely I guess, she’ll sniff it to make sure it’s not something she likes before leaving it there for me to clean up later. YOU EITHER EAT EVERYTHING OR YOU GET NOTHING! That’s my rule, so when I see a kid drop a piece of bacon or beef or a french fry, Jojo and I lock eyes before she’s click clicking and I’m diving to beat the other to the morsel.

If I win, I taunt her by showing her the food before tossing it into the trash while she watches scornfully. When she wins, she eats and turns it into some nasty gas for which the Wife will try to blame me later on in the evening.

I won’t even get into the mud and shit being trampled in out in my yard (which she has destroyed) and carried onto our carpets, or the fact that she just sort of pisses a little bit here and there whenever and wherever she wants. Don’t get me started either on the time she had some sort of episode that left shit or vomit or something ALL OVER the house one night while we were gone. We couldn’t tell what it was; it was that bad.

She has managed to pass along many of her aggravating, passive aggressive skills to the puppy, so I have another dog’s lifetime worth of that to look forward to.

Why get another dog then, Don?

We’re stupid, that’s why. There’s really no other explanation for it.

——————————————————————————————-

Dear crazy “pet parents” who read this. I don’t really hate my dog(s), at least not all of the time. They get to live in my house and eat and bathe and chew up my rugs and the kids’ toys, etc. so they’re pretty happy. I don’t hate them anymore than I sometimes hate my kids or wife or any other person I’ve ever lived with. If you live with anyone long enough, they’re going to piss you off, man or beast, so….lighten up. 

Love,

Don

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68 Responses to Pet parent? uhhh, no…

  1. barbtaub says:

    “Are you Laptop and Peripheral Taub’s Mommy?” I loved that so much I called my husband and had the vet receptionist repeat it to him (substituting “Daddy”). Why do I love it? Neither of the pets in our computer-name series will ever attempt to bypass my fearsome mom-dar to attend parentless parties where you just know that teenaged mutants with too much facial hair will offer them illicit substances and try to take advantage of them, thus presenting me with unexpected grandchildren**. They will never expect me to write a college tuition check or ask for bail money — from a foreign country. They won’t greet me with the news that their first action upon acquisition of a drivers license would be to back into my boss’s car (their second action would be to get so flustered by this that they would attempt to pull away only to smash into it again). So yeah, I’m pretty thrilled about parenting Laptop Kitten Taub and Peripheral Puppy Taub.

    **So far the mom-dar score is perfect. All four kids had crap social lives, and I have no grandchildren. Interestingly, not one of my children has a pet.

  2. tric says:

    Somedays I’d own up to being the dogs parent before my kids! As your post went on I laughed more and more as it began to perfectly describe my husband!
    When I am remote control free I call for back up.. my kids. They freak at the nerve of me but then go and get it. Do I care that I annoy them? Not at all they’ve often called me, and it’s written in the rules that they have to love me.

  3. lrconsiderer says:

    Oh so glad I don’t have pets. Well. Not big, fuzzy in-yer-face ones.

    Glad you like yours *really* though.

  4. gimpet says:

    HAHAHA, you soft sod. I have spent my sons’ college on our cats and I equally loathe the little blighters, so I feel for you here. And yup, I even against my instincts saved a feral kitten from certain death in a snowstorm. She has thanked me by picking up pet Aids. I have threatened that if I have to spend much more on them they are all getting sacked then dunked in the lake….

    • Hahaha, have I ever told you that I love it when a woman calls me a sod? It happens infrequently, but I love it!! I’m sick like that. Our critters have a $200 annual max on medical expenditures that does not roll over year to year.

      • gimpet says:

        You are just like my old college BF. I actually tried to get him on WP just to read your blog, as you are two peas. He loved sod too. And: Oh piss off! LOL

  5. bethteliho says:

    Fuuuunnny! Your story made me remember our lab. He’s no longer alive, but he lived 13 years and was great….except for this awful habit of shaking his head making his collar jingle all through the night! It was torment when we had babies in the house because his tag jingle was so abrupt and loud it would wake up lil ones! We ended up finding a tag cover that some genius invented for this very reason – SCORE. It worked. Until he came up with pacing. Nails on hardwoods all evening. WTF? Seriously. wtf.

    • Thanks, Beth! Of course you’d love a lab, you fucking rock! Jojo has soooo many annoying habits that I can’t even begin to do them justice. Walking on the tile is one of worst though. I’m sure she knows that too.

  6. The entire time I was reading this, I kept thinking, “He really loves that dog. He’s just blowing smoke.” 😉 But I certainly could relate to your ranting! We had four dogs in the house at one time (only one now). The two big dogs (shepherd and coon hound) were like children and we treated them like children for almost fifteen years. I never knew animals could have such big personalities. The two smaller dogs? Beagles. One bit me all the time, the other was a dog – not a child.

    • Hahahaha, oh Maddie, ME? Blow smoke??? WHaaaaaa?? I love the big dogs, but sigh….I almost brought a coon hound home with me once after it followed me around for a bit. did you catch that post by chance? Lol. Thanks!

  7. theresa adkins says:

    Im just gonna have to stop reading you during lunch at work. You make me choke way too much, and then ofcourse that makes me pee a little, then I start snorting, and well…you know….the higher ups are wondering when they should call the guys in the white jackets to come get me. (You described my dogs to a T tho, Ill give ya that…and the part about not liking the kids? that happens more then not liking the dogs actually….

  8. I have a sincere love/hate relationship with the two cats that live with us. If they at least repaired the damage they’ve done to the furniture or cleaned up their own shit, maybe the late night and early morning yowling wouldn’t make me think they’d make good hats. And referring to me as their parent or them as fur babies makes me want to ralph up a hairball.

    • Hahahaha, make good hats…I like that. I watched a friend’s cat one night and that was all I could fucking stand. It meowled and hissed and bitched and made all sorts of obscene noises until I let it in the bedroom, but then I’d wake up with a cat on my face so out it went again to howl. I like other peoples’ cats though.

  9. Rhonda says:

    I love my dogs, but a “pet parent” I am not. Dogs are no where near the responsibility, joy, or pain as having kids. Although they can be a bigger pain in the ass sometimes. I have a sister in law who told me “my cats are my kids”. No. Cats are cats and kids are kids and until she understands that I really hop she doesn’t have actual, real life, human kids.

  10. markbialczak says:

    I do not blame you for venting about the dog, Don. But hustling to beat the thing to a scrap of bacon so you could throw it in the garbage? Really, dude? If you wanted to beat Fido to the dropped bacon so you could eat it, I’d be OK with that. Have a good day, from a guy who can’t walk in his dog-hole filled backyard without turning his ankle but loves the pooch nonetheless.

    • Well I can’t admit that I totally eat the bacon from the ground, Mark! I still have a shred of dignity left that I’d like to keep intact. You’re a much kinder soul than I am, sir!

  11. rynolexson says:

    Don, you got a lab…one of the most non-intelligent breeds known to mankind. No wonder you can’t stand her. She is a doll though. I bet secretly you love her deep down inside and when she is gone, I assume you will be posting a blog about how much you miss her.

    Enjoy her while you can, once she goes, you never remember all the shit, piss and vomit that came with her. Plus, I think kids are bigger pains in the asses than dogs. They can’t talk.

    PS: I am a “pet parent” supporter. Dog mommies rule.

  12. I have a step-cat and two step-turtles. The cat’s okay, but I’ve never really grown close to the turtles. They’re not really warm-hearted creatures. Maybe, we’re too much alike.

    • Oh, you poor bastard you. If you want a dog at this point, you’re going to have to go for a really really big one that can hold its own against three little boys. Good luck with that, and yes, I can see you and turtles getting along swimmingly!

  13. I Am Jasmine Kyle says:

    I love my animals but I won’t be putting there needs over my children either. NOR will I be buying Cat Food out of the REFRIGERATION section! REFRIGERATED CAT FOOD! They drink out of the toilet! Team To Much!

  14. djmatticus says:

    The Queen and I got cats as a trial run for parenthood. Why not? They require supervision, I have to clean up their poop, we had to cat/child proof the house for them… they seemed like the perfect way to see if we were ready for the real deal. But, viewing them that way sort of did imprint on us that they were our children too… and now that the Little Prince is here we have continued on that vein by saying they are his big sisters… I know we are crazy, I’m okay with it. Things might have to change, though, now that the Little Prince has decided to start learning things from them… how and where to eat his food, for example.

  15. This is why I don’t have a dog. And, when my cat dies (in probably 15 years with my luck), I will not be a pet owner anymore!!

  16. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I was behind a car that had “I love my Fur Baby” and “I Love My Granddog” on the back. I was trying to figure out if granddog belonged to a human child or the fur baby.

  17. PinotNinja says:

    I am 100% with you. I was at a family wedding a few months ago, and my aunt referred to my cousin’s dog as her grandchild. I went absolutely APOPLECTIC on her.

    The next day I apologized and blamed my unadulterated rage on way too many champagnes on an empty stomach. However, in reality, I had scarfed down approximately 875 mini crab cakes and spring rolls and hadn’t even hit the bar yet. It’s a good thing I’ve got enough of a drinking problem that I can use it to cover up my inability-to-ignore-stupidity problem.

      • Hahahaha, this may be my favorite comment ever. You had me at apoplectic and then rolled me over with crab cakes and what, in my mind, is an open bar! I feel the most sorry for the grandparents. You know it hurts their soul to pretend that they love a cocker spaniel and aren’t totally dieing inside at not having that grandbaby (human) that they’ve always dreamed of!

  18. ugh pet parent. i think i just upchucked.

  19. findingninee says:

    “Pet parent” has to be one of the stupidest terms I’ve ever heard although I have heard pet owners (usually of freaking cats which don’t get me started because I hate and despise and really hate cats because they are worthless and I’m way allergic to them and they stand in poop boxes and then get on the kitchen counters and people think that this is fine) refer to their dogs and cats as their fur babies, which is about just as barfy.
    With that said, I loved every dog I’ve ever had. Even Arthur, who was the biggest asshole you’ve ever met. We’re currently dog-free since my fur baby (omg I can’t even say it jokingly without making a face like I just smelled a Grandma fart at Hallmark) Chief died in April. He was huge and shed like a mo-fo. I’m waiting to get another until I finish vacuuming up all of the hairs of his I still find in random places like last year’s boots.

  20. rossmurray1 says:

    I love the disclaimer at the end; Pet parents be crazy. Pussy.

  21. Sometimes I want a dog but then I remember I’m still selfish and opt out. Thanks for the reinforcing reminder.

  22. Yeah, I totally want a dog. Even though my last dog was a complete asshole. A German Shepherd and a fear of storms is a bad combination.

    Then again, I name plants as if they’re my children. Even though I tend to kill them. Sigh. Basically, I’m screwed.

    • Oh, a skittish German Shepherd, fun!! I really didn’t expect Jojo to live 13 years. And she shows no signs of slowing down, really. Who knew they lived so long? I got her before I had internet access.

  23. mistyslaws says:

    I can barely stand the human children in my house. No way I’m signing on to parent furry creatures. And for the first time in my life, I believe, except for a few days/weeks here and there in between ownership, we are completely and totally pet-free. And it’s everything I ever thought it might be. Ahhhh, glorious. I am pro-empty pet nest.

  24. Nadia says:

    One day when I’m able to keep a potted plant alive, I was planning on getting a lab. WAS planning. Thanks, Don.

    • Oh Nadia, I’m sure the Australian ones are much better! Much better! Plants are worse than dogs, the dogs basically take care of themselves so I think you should totally go for it! Think of the blog material.

  25. Precisely why the only pet in our house is a fish named Ron, who only needs to be fed once a week and who never suffers from butt worms.

  26. 1jaded1 says:

    Awww. You love Jojo. My dad used to shoo our dog away. When no one was looking, he would play with her…and the teasing with the food brings back so many memories! Pet parents?? That may be taking it a bit too far, except in the world of 2 am commercials…and animal hospitals…”dad”.

  27. Trent Lewin says:

    You are a funny dude. Dogs equal to cretins? Never!

  28. Dana says:

    I love my dog, but she is a DOG. I am not her parent, although I have been called a bitch. At the ripe old age of nine, she is getting on my husband’s last nerve. She follows him around like a groupie, begging for food he never gives her and trying to sniff his crotch. I’m not sure why he doesn’t enjoy this, but it drives him nuts (ha ha I made a pun). He secretly loves her, though.

  29. I’m a proud pet parent and don’t care what any of you say! But then again, I’m the Linda Lonelypants petting my cat in my recliner nightly. I can also tell you really love Jojo even though she does sound like a gigantic pain in the ass.

  30. Haha “trapped in a reclined position” LOVE it and the little don’t hate me paragraph at the end. 😉

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