I once saw the biggest…another FTSF

I know, right? So many ways to take this one.

I think the obvious route would be for me to tell you about the biggest Wang I’ve ever seen. Have I ever mentioned that?

Jin Wang is a Chinese guy I went to college with. He’s like 6’3″ tall. That’s a big Wang!

Oh, or there’s the biggest Dick I’ve ever seen.

That’d be Dick Larson. He sells printers and paper to our department. He’s probably 400 pounds, were I to guess.

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned the biggest Peter I’ve ever seen either.

Peter O’Henry is a bar owner in the area. He’s 6’5″ or 6’6″and looks exactly like Conan O’Brien. You have to catch him before 10am, if you want to talk to him while he’s sober. He’s a really fun guy. He once threw a man through the window of his bar and then got mad at him for breaking the window so he went outside and threw him back in through the broken window to yell at him about paying for the window. Ha, maybe you had to be there. I wasn’t, of course, because that’d probably be a law violation of some sort, right?

Are these penis jokes doing anything for anyone? These are real people, I swear it!

Ok, this is pretty stupid already, so I’ll spare you the list of all the huge Johnsons I know and just tell a stupid story instead.

I was working with a great group of officers in my precinct one summer when another officer was transferred in to our group from another part of the city.

Transfers are pretty common, so it was no big deal.

Where I work, certain types of calls, like domestic disturbances, require two officers to handle. I liked riding alone, so my second officer would always be another officer riding alone, as opposed to sending a car with two officers riding together.

Anyway, the first time we got a call together, this newly transferred officer never showed up. I waited and waited and handled the call myself, but was pretty annoyed that she never came by. I chalked it up to her being new to the area and just assumed she was lost.

Well, she was lost….mentally. It turns out that she was as dumb as a bag of hammers. She didn’t make it by lots of calls, and was eventually fired or she mercifully quit, I don’t recall which.

Anyway, that waste of words is completely irrelevant to my I once saw the biggest…story, other than she was there.

One brutally hot summer day, we got a call for a fight or a disturbance and she actually fucking showed up. In fact, she got there first.

The door to the house was wide open and I was still on the sidewalk when Officer Lazy walked inside the house.

I suddenly heard a black woman laugh hysterically and say, “Oh my, GIRL!!! I hope they sent somebody bigger than you!”

Officer Lazy was a smaller woman, but she wasn’t tiny by any means.

The woman popped her head out the door and upon seeing me said, “You’re bigger, but you two better get some more of y’all here fast.”

That didn’t sound like a good indication that things are going to go smoothly.

She was a big, fat sweaty woman and she was all in a dither about her son “showing his ass.” Have you ever heard that term before? I hadn’t, but it’s a favorite of mine now.

Anyway, she wanted her son out of the house because they weren’t getting along. Yes, people call the police about stupid shit like this every single day.

It was hot and it was obvious that the front door was wide open because there was no air conditioner running in the building. Her attempt at getting some sort of breeze blowing with all the doors open was futile.

She called for her son to come down from his room.

“Did he hurt you?”

No.

“Did he break something?”

No.

“Is he wanted for anything?”

No.

Sigh….

“He stole my food!” She finally said.

“What?” I asked. “Your food?”

“He ate the last of the nuggets. They was my nuggets.”

“Oh good God,” I thought to myself. “I think my head is going to explode.”

I rubbed my temples as sweat dripped from the tip of my nose onto her floor. The vest I was wearing was stifling.

My brain had prepared for a teenager or maybe even a preteen to appear at the bottom of the steps, so when her son suddenly appeared, I was shocked by what I saw.

He was no teenager.

He was no preteen either.

He was HUGE, and he looked pissed.

He was wearing overalls that weren’t attached over the shoulders. The straps hung from his hips and he was shirtless. He was a lighter skinned John Coffey (like the drink, ‘cept with a Y) from the Green Mile.

He’d been in prison for sure. Between the tattoos and the physique, I was positive of that. He was tall and thick. His head was shaved and his eyes were brown and dull.

“He’s slow in the head,” momma said.

He stood there being all huge and just looked straight ahead at his mother.

“Whoah, the lights are on but nobody’s home,” is what I thought when I looked at his face.

Officer Lazy opened her mouth and said, “Boy, what’s wrong wit you? You ate yo momma’s nuggets?”

“Oh my fucking God,” I thought to myself. “Is this really happening? Officer Lazy is going to get this giant man child all riled up over a six pack of chicken mcnuggets.”

I’d left my metal tipped wooden nightstick in the car. I never forget my stick, but it was hot and my brain was frazzled. I sensed that it wouldn’t do any good anyway.

I thought about The Wacko Kid telling Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Shooting him will just make him mad.” I’m paraphrasing, but he was talking about the Sheriff going to confront Mongo.

I laughed out loud.

You know how you start laughing and you just can’t stop? That’s what happened.

The thought that I was about to get into a fight I wanted no part of because an officer I didn’t like was an idiot, over some cold chicken mcnuggets, combined with my Blazing Saddles thoughts were just too much, so I snapped.

I laughed out loud and didn’t give two shits that I couldn’t stop.

Gigantor cocked his head and smiled as well. He was clearly at least mildly mentally not all there.

When I finally stopped, all three people in the room were looking at me, covered in sweat and just wrapping up a laugh about something they were no part of.

I intervened and did the talking with junior from that point on.

I explained to him that his mother wanted him to leave, at least for a little while. Thankfully, he had a place to go.

I lied and said that everyone who rides in a police car has to wear handcuffs, so I cuffed the biggest man I’ve ever encountered on duty and dropped him off in another part of the city, never to be heard from, by me at least, again.

——————————————————————————————-

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. The sentence is “I once saw a big…” Today’s sentence was brought to you by Jen, of My Skewed View! Her extra cool prize is that tonight, she’s a co-host, too! Go show her some love!

Finish the Sentence Friday

Hosts:
Janine: Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kate: Can I get another bottle of whine?
Stephanie: Mommy, for Real
Kristi: finding ninee

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56 Responses to I once saw the biggest…another FTSF

  1. For a second, at the beginning there, I thought I might’ve just come across the biggest asshole I’d ever seen 😉

    Fun story though. You redeemed yourself. And well done for keeping it together and rescuing the situation.

  2. tric says:

    You even managed to make me smile today! A really enjoyable read.

  3. rynolexson says:

    That was a true “Don” post. Thanks for sharing this ever so BIG story. However I was fine with where it was going in the beginning…I’m a fan of all wangs, dicks and peters.

    • Lol, I bet you are, Girl Ryan. That’s part of your charm, I suppose. I’m glad I was able to come through with a more “Don” post. It was a pretty melancholy week up til this one. Have a great weekend!

  4. Maggie O'C says:

    That story made me sad in a Of Mice and Men way.

  5. The Cutter says:

    When someone that big wants your nuggets, you let him have the damn nuggets! Those things are awful anyway.

  6. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Candygram, Mongo!

    🙂

  7. markbialczak says:

    Thank you for sharing the story of “The Steamy Afternoon that Officer McNoShow almost Got Don Devoured Like an Order of Small Fries.” Saved by the lunatic laugh. Good job, buddy!

  8. Definitely made me smile and I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist the penis jokes, but still love the way you used it as an tiro to the bigger picture here. Thanks for that on this hectic Friday afternoon here 🙂

  9. Twindaddy says:

    Your laughing made me laugh because laughter is contagious….or something. That mental picture is hilarious.

    • Thanks, TD, laughter really is contagious. Especially that crazy, you know they can’t control or stop that laugh and it’s going to happen until it isn’t happening. I’ve never had that happen to me in uniform again. The insanity was just the perfect storm I guess.

  10. Dana says:

    So you’re saying Officer Lazy wasn’t your favorite partner ever? I would never call the police over chicken mcnuggets, but if my kids took my last chik fil-a nugget things would get ugly.

    • She was awful. And she had more experience than I did because I was pretty new at the time. I hear ya with the Chick fil-A. Isn’t it so good? And the workers are creepy nice too.

  11. Oh my God, I started laughing out loud at the first sentence, and didn’t stop for the whole post. It’s a good thing this one was funny, Don. I was worried you were going soft on us after the last few serious and wise ones, you know?

    • I know, right? I was becoming a total buzzkillington there! Fun week for me though. Writing ‘serious’ stuff is actually rewarding for some sick reason. Lol. Thank you, Steph; I appreciate your comments always.

  12. Laughed out loud AND pulled the hubby over to enjoy your little tale of the biggest. My husband works with similar situations every day in his hospital and when I got to Momma accusing her son of eating her nuggets I had to get him in on it. I don’t know how you do it without having a heart attack every day, Don! Thank GOD, Officer Lazy did not get your ass kicked! And for what it’s worth, I have been wanting to say “I saw the biggest dick” ever since I saw the prompt last week. Thank you so much for covering that for me:).

    • Hahahahaha, Dick Larson is huge! My pleasure taking care of penis stuff for you. Wait, what?

      I love when spouses are brought into the read. That’s always great to hear. He has a lot of mentally unstable way too strong people to deal with? That’s scary.

  13. Ha! Though I look over my shoulder when I’m reading your posts, I would have been disappointed if you didn’t “go there”. 😉

  14. Jen says:

    I couldn’t wait to see what you were going to have for us this week! And I wasn’t disappointed your penis jokes, I can say penis you know because I say 100 times a day, “Get your hand off of your penis” to an 8 yo. He’s gonna be that guy with his hands in his pants all the time. Oh look, he’s doing it again.
    Meanwhile though, your “real” story made me laugh out loud! The boy was like “what are you reading that’s so funny” I said “nothing, it’s about nuggets”
    Loved it. I bet you’ve seen everything!

    • Lol. I like your son! My mom used to ask me to please stop putting my hands in my shorts on the soccer field in front of everyone, but that’s how to keep them warm!

      I’m glad you appreciated my jackass penis humor, Jen. I couldn’t resist.

  15. djmatticus says:

    Mongo just pawn in game of life…
    Well done, Don. Lesson learned, when in doubt, laugh. I think I can handle that one. I’m surprised Officer Lazy made it through academy? Did she think she didn’t have to play by the rules once she made it through?

  16. findingninee says:

    I once saw the biggest DOAT and ….oh sorry…inappropriate, right? Um anyway. That was NOTHING nothing nothing compared to you laughing your ass off at a potential crime-he-could-have-killed-you-scene. AWESOME that you met the real fucking Mongo and laughed in his face. Seriously, I think I love you even more for this, and OMG WTF to your stupid ass partner?? I’m glad you made her take her own car but I’m also glad she got fired, because even I am not that dumb. And I’m extra-dumb. That dude Wang sounds like a freak. Everybody knows asian people are not that tall so whatever. Oh shit. Did I type that out loud?

  17. elihawkins6 says:

    Nice recovery.

  18. So if someone eats my nuggets, I can just call 911? I learn something new every day. What if they drink my wine? Does that count as an emergency? It certainly counts to me.

  19. rebecca2000 says:

    I know a large Johnson. 😉

    I can imagine that sometimes officers get into scary situations. The worst would be to be with someone you don’t trust.

  20. Laura Lynn says:

    Great illustrative story about the power of laughter. Or not. I once laughed at a girl on the dance floor-she was dancing like a stripper, not even in time to the music, just slutty-so I made one of her moves to crack up my friends and guess what? Yeah…they laughed when she knocked ME on my ass, too. Fortunately I am an even tempered person, especially when confronted by an angry wanna-be-a-stripper chick wearing pointy heeled shoes and…and anyway I didn’t want to get into it with someone almost naked. I mean, WHERE do you put your hands? There? Nope, too sweaty. There? Nope, fresh tattoo. There? Nope, might catch something… so where the hell DO you put your hands? You’re a trained professional, Don. Just how the hell do you take down naked people? (Not that I’m going to have to use it…promise.)

    • We usually just use the tazer or stick to get them to cooperate. Naked ones are the worst!

      • Laura Lynn says:

        I once threatened an intruder in my house with a cat. I had a crazy cat and I was going to throw it at the guy and make a lunge for the fireplace poker. He still had most of his clothes on. Broke in and went to the spare bedroom and started getting undressed.
        Thought he was home. Called the RCMP and they dealt with him. I DID give him a blanket before I tossed him out.

  21. bethteliho says:

    I was hoping someone “went there” with the obvious cue! I didn’t make it to FTSF this week, but I think we all know I would have followed suit somehow, HOWEVER, not as awesome as you did. I can’t believe you know that many people with penis names, AND they’re actually huge! hahahaha! This prompt was made for you. Well done. And I didn’t realize people actually called the cops for stupid shit like that ALL the time! I guess it makes sense, but still surprises me. Laughing is a great way to handle an awkward situation. Works for me.

  22. 1jaded1 says:

    Another brilliant (albeit funny) way to diffuse an ugly situation.

  23. It worked out well this time, yes. It could have gotten ugly though. Thanks!

  24. Aussa Lorens says:

    This is hilarious, I can’t believe she called you over that. I like it when our patients call the police and tell them all sorts of weird things like “they locked me in my room without food for days!” meanwhile we are sharpening their colored pencils and fetching cream for their coffee.

  25. HILARIOUS!!! You are the BEST story teller EVER!!!

  26. barbtaub says:

    So you laughed at the most gigantic scary non compos mentis you’ve encountered on duty? I think we all now know that the end of the sentence “I once saw the biggest…” includes the name Don.

  27. pegoleg says:

    This post reminded me so much of that bit in the Austin Powers movie, but I couldn’t remember WHAT movie it was from so I went out to research it on Google and YouTube and got distracted and forgot all about your post. So here it is, at last.

  28. mollytopia says:

    Of course I’ve heard of “show your ass” – that’s very popular in the south! I love it too. And yes I’ve started laughing in the worst possible places and couldn’t stop. Why is that so funny? But it IS. Every time. Oh and Blazing Saddles was one of my dad’s favorite movies. This whole post made me feel right at home. And we also call the police when family members steal our Chicken McNuggets. Not really. Awesome post!

  29. I was worried for you there for a second. Love the tales from your job!

  30. OMG. This is hilarious. Funny beginning and great story!

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