I know, right? So many ways to take this one.
I think the obvious route would be for me to tell you about the biggest Wang I’ve ever seen. Have I ever mentioned that?
Jin Wang is a Chinese guy I went to college with. He’s like 6’3″ tall. That’s a big Wang!
Oh, or there’s the biggest Dick I’ve ever seen.
That’d be Dick Larson. He sells printers and paper to our department. He’s probably 400 pounds, were I to guess.
I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned the biggest Peter I’ve ever seen either.
Peter O’Henry is a bar owner in the area. He’s 6’5″ or 6’6″and looks exactly like Conan O’Brien. You have to catch him before 10am, if you want to talk to him while he’s sober. He’s a really fun guy. He once threw a man through the window of his bar and then got mad at him for breaking the window so he went outside and threw him back in through the broken window to yell at him about paying for the window. Ha, maybe you had to be there. I wasn’t, of course, because that’d probably be a law violation of some sort, right?
Are these penis jokes doing anything for anyone? These are real people, I swear it!
Ok, this is pretty stupid already, so I’ll spare you the list of all the huge Johnsons I know and just tell a stupid story instead.
I was working with a great group of officers in my precinct one summer when another officer was transferred in to our group from another part of the city.
Transfers are pretty common, so it was no big deal.
Where I work, certain types of calls, like domestic disturbances, require two officers to handle. I liked riding alone, so my second officer would always be another officer riding alone, as opposed to sending a car with two officers riding together.
Anyway, the first time we got a call together, this newly transferred officer never showed up. I waited and waited and handled the call myself, but was pretty annoyed that she never came by. I chalked it up to her being new to the area and just assumed she was lost.
Well, she was lost….mentally. It turns out that she was as dumb as a bag of hammers. She didn’t make it by lots of calls, and was eventually fired or she mercifully quit, I don’t recall which.
Anyway, that waste of words is completely irrelevant to my I once saw the biggest…story, other than she was there.
One brutally hot summer day, we got a call for a fight or a disturbance and she actually fucking showed up. In fact, she got there first.
The door to the house was wide open and I was still on the sidewalk when Officer Lazy walked inside the house.
I suddenly heard a black woman laugh hysterically and say, “Oh my, GIRL!!! I hope they sent somebody bigger than you!”
Officer Lazy was a smaller woman, but she wasn’t tiny by any means.
The woman popped her head out the door and upon seeing me said, “You’re bigger, but you two better get some more of y’all here fast.”
That didn’t sound like a good indication that things are going to go smoothly.
She was a big, fat sweaty woman and she was all in a dither about her son “showing his ass.” Have you ever heard that term before? I hadn’t, but it’s a favorite of mine now.
Anyway, she wanted her son out of the house because they weren’t getting along. Yes, people call the police about stupid shit like this every single day.
It was hot and it was obvious that the front door was wide open because there was no air conditioner running in the building. Her attempt at getting some sort of breeze blowing with all the doors open was futile.
She called for her son to come down from his room.
“Did he hurt you?”
“Did he break something?”
“Is he wanted for anything?”
“He stole my food!” She finally said.
“What?” I asked. “Your food?”
“He ate the last of the nuggets. They was my nuggets.”
“Oh good God,” I thought to myself. “I think my head is going to explode.”
I rubbed my temples as sweat dripped from the tip of my nose onto her floor. The vest I was wearing was stifling.
My brain had prepared for a teenager or maybe even a preteen to appear at the bottom of the steps, so when her son suddenly appeared, I was shocked by what I saw.
He was no teenager.
He was no preteen either.
He was HUGE, and he looked pissed.
He was wearing overalls that weren’t attached over the shoulders. The straps hung from his hips and he was shirtless. He was a lighter skinned John Coffey (like the drink, ‘cept with a Y) from the Green Mile.
He’d been in prison for sure. Between the tattoos and the physique, I was positive of that. He was tall and thick. His head was shaved and his eyes were brown and dull.
“He’s slow in the head,” momma said.
He stood there being all huge and just looked straight ahead at his mother.
“Whoah, the lights are on but nobody’s home,” is what I thought when I looked at his face.
Officer Lazy opened her mouth and said, “Boy, what’s wrong wit you? You ate yo momma’s nuggets?”
“Oh my fucking God,” I thought to myself. “Is this really happening? Officer Lazy is going to get this giant man child all riled up over a six pack of chicken mcnuggets.”
I’d left my metal tipped wooden nightstick in the car. I never forget my stick, but it was hot and my brain was frazzled. I sensed that it wouldn’t do any good anyway.
I thought about The Wacko Kid telling Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Shooting him will just make him mad.” I’m paraphrasing, but he was talking about the Sheriff going to confront Mongo.
I laughed out loud.
You know how you start laughing and you just can’t stop? That’s what happened.
The thought that I was about to get into a fight I wanted no part of because an officer I didn’t like was an idiot, over some cold chicken mcnuggets, combined with my Blazing Saddles thoughts were just too much, so I snapped.
I laughed out loud and didn’t give two shits that I couldn’t stop.
Gigantor cocked his head and smiled as well. He was clearly at least mildly mentally not all there.
When I finally stopped, all three people in the room were looking at me, covered in sweat and just wrapping up a laugh about something they were no part of.
I intervened and did the talking with junior from that point on.
I explained to him that his mother wanted him to leave, at least for a little while. Thankfully, he had a place to go.
I lied and said that everyone who rides in a police car has to wear handcuffs, so I cuffed the biggest man I’ve ever encountered on duty and dropped him off in another part of the city, never to be heard from, by me at least, again.
This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. The sentence is “I once saw a big…” Today’s sentence was brought to you by Jen, of My Skewed View! Her extra cool prize is that tonight, she’s a co-host, too! Go show her some love!