To the woman behind me in Walmart…

Dear woman behind me in Walmart yesterday,

You taught my sons a lesson.

I thought and prayed on our encounter, and felt moved by the spirit to write, in the hopes that you will see this.

It was maybe fate that put us in line together at Walmart that evening.

You had been trying to engage my boys in conversation while we both waited patiently for Josephine, the high school drop out checker to get the 20 items or less line moving as express lines are intended to do.

You didn’t mind that my five year old asked why you smelled funny and pointed and winced at that goiter on your neck. You told him it was nothing, but it was the size of a softball for fuck’s sake, so it was definitely something to him.

You were patient and kind and probably hard of hearing, because G$’s screaming didn’t phase you at all as you stood there smiling stupidly at nothing in particular.

I noticed your “I Voted!” sticker and asked you if you had taken the time to vote. You looked at me funny and said, “No, I don’t have a boat.”

“No, I said DID YOU VOTE?!”

“Oh, no, dear” you said. “I don’t like goats.”

“What the fuck,daddy?” Cool asked.

“Cool!” I said. “That’s not appropriate language! Where do you fucking learn such terrible shit?”

“Sorry, daddy. From mommy,” he answered.

“Did he say fuck?” You asked out of the blue.

“Oh, THAT you heard, lady?” I responded.

The line mercifully moved forward, and when it was finally my time to checkout, I offered to let you go first because you only had two things of yogurt and a box of Depends Diapers, while my cart was pretty full.

You graciously declined and insisted that you were enjoying your line standing time behind my little ones.

When the cashier rudely announced to everyone within earshot, “Uh, this card don’t work, sir,” you didn’t have to make eye contact with me, but you did.

You smiled at us and I at you. You looked at my cart filled with diapers and cases of Bud Light Lime and Doritos and Lucky Charms and nodded your head yes.

“I have $34 in cash,” I said. “If you could get the rest, that’d be great.”

You suddenly looked up from my sons, seemingly startled, and said, “What?!”

“You’re going to pay for my groceries, right? Haven’t you read those letters to good Samaritans and Facebook posts about people being nice and paying shit forward? Don’t tell me you’re going to make me have to put my kids’ cereal and diapers away so I can cover the bill for my beer and Doritos with what little cash I have?”

You looked down at your shoes and twittled your thumbs as you clutched your purse straps with both hands. I sensed that I was not going to be the recipient of a kind deed that day.

“Ugh! YOU SUCK YOU OLD BAG!!” I yelled into the air.

You walked away, muttering something about having forgotten to get the prunes you wanted and left me there alone

It was just me, my boys, a cart filled with lime flavored beer and snacks as well as Josephine, the judgy looking bitch of a cashier.

She sneered at me as I tossed diapers and cereal boxes into her return to the shelves bin until I had under $34 in beer and nacho cheese Doritos.

As we left, Cool looked up at me and said, “That woman wasn’t very nice to you, daddy. G$ and I are still hungry.”

“You’re right, son.” I had to tell him. “Let that be a lesson to you. Never count on old people, buddy. They fucking suck.”






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57 Responses to To the woman behind me in Walmart…

  1. Love how you turned this on its ear.

  2. Nadia says:

    Who needs diapers anyway?! Don, I would so sponsor your Bud Light Lime and Doritos.

  3. findingninee says:

    Diapers are overrated. Time to potty train, anyway.

  4. Jolene says:

    Thanks for the laugh!! this was too funny

  5. The Cutter says:

    This was truly a harrowing encounter. I really hope your kids weren’t too mentally scarred.

  6. Mental Mama says:

    I knew when you said you had prayed that this was bullshit. 😀

  7. REDdog says:

    I hate it when my priorities get in the way of providing for my little ones..but it’s always okay when a much more important life lesson stapled on the arse end. I’m sure G$ and Cool will have some great stories to tell their kids.

  8. Fresh Ginger says:

    well, fuck … I really thought this would work for me the next time I go to Wal-Mart. I will have to find someone more interesting than a half-deaf, goitered bag lady to prey upon for free groceries. Hmmmm.

  9. djmatticus says:

    I’m trying to decide how much of this is real and how much is you stretching the truth. I’m not sure I want to know.
    But, I’m sure the “from Mommy” line was verbatim how it went down.

  10. Hahahaha I love this!! Cracking up over here as I can totally picture this entire scene.

  11. rossmurray1 says:

    I’m sorry, we’re going to have to see the security footage camera on this one.

  12. markbialczak says:

    The old lady related to G$ so well because they both wore diapers, Don.

    Cool ranch, nacho or fiery Doritos to go with the lime beer, Don?

    OK, I can’t go on commenting as if you wrote this with a sane mind, my wildly wily pal.

    • samara says:

      Mark, your comment made me laugh as much as Don’s post! hahaha

      I rue the day when I am in old and in diapers, and the fodder for blogs.

      What the hell is “rue?” Did I even spell it right?

      • markbialczak says:

        You spelled it right, Samara. No squiggly red spell check lines.

        I think rue is short and perfect. I don’t ever regret when I use it, ha-ha.

        And by the way, way before diaper age, your life is already fodder for a blog. Yours!

      • samara says:

        That red line is a liar!

        I’ve personally witness it underline the word “epically” – see, right there – and that totally is correct.

        You’re responding to my comment before Don. What does that say about him???

      • markbialczak says:

        I think it says more about me, in an epic way, Samara.

      • Rue!! I love it. I think that means street in French, but whatever. Mark is pretty funny, isn’t he? Old hag Samara in diapers strikes me as slightly frightening somehow.

      • samara says:

        Old hag Samara in diapers should not frighten you.

        Young Samara in a thong- SHE should frighten you!

    • I’m strictly a Nacho Cheese Doritos man, Mark. So good! G$ is actually mostly potty trained now, so let’s not jinx it!

      • markbialczak says:

        Yes, nacho cheese is my prime Nachos choice, too, Don. Eat em up and get caught with orange fingers.

        Yes, I’m rooting for G$ to master this particular training, too. Makes your life so much easier …

  13. Twindaddy says:

    Man, what a bitch.

  14. 1jaded1 says:

    Did this really happen? I’m afraid…very afraid.

  15. You, are, evil. And one of these days, when I grow up, I am going to write like you.

  16. Aaaaaaannnnddddddd, he’s back!!! 🙂 Woot!

    Fuck that old bag of a bitch. Selfish hag. What’s this world coming to when some lady won’t pay it forward?! Cheesus.

    • Hi again, Jennifer! She was a smelly old bag for sure. I wish you were the old hag behind me that day. You’d have paid it forward and then some. We could have taken selfies together then gone to a happy hour. Someday.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Hey I think I witnessed all of this while at Walmart. Very nice to meet you, Don. 🙂

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