Dad’s poop too…!

My first blog post was in November of 2012 and I haven’t had the opportunity to really delve into this blogging business very much, particularly since the Man at the J-O-B has ratcheted up the websense software to specifically forbid a brother from doing anything blog related whilst at work.

The Man has also made it impossible to post on FB from my work desktop, but since those posts are just a few keystrokes, I simply take an extra few minutes of the Man’s time to post from my phone.  My blog posts tend to run into the 1100-1800 word range, so that ain’t happening on the phone or even the tablet thing.

Anyway, way off track now…the point is that other than taking 20 minutes or so every few days to post something for my 14 folllowers to read, I hadn’t done any blog reading until the last couple of weeks or so.

I’ve found now that I can simply enter a keyword like humor and all sorts of blog posts from other people proliferate my screen.  I simply click on a catchy title or picture and read a post.

For whatever reason, it seems like 90% of the posts, which I randomly pick based on its title or a picture, are from blogs written by women.

Holy smokes, (see wife, I was going to say Holy fuck, but I’m cleaning up my language a bit, as per your suggestion) moms and women suffering through online dating adventures with Mr. Sprinkles and their multitude of other cat friends are really, really HILARIOUS!

This post is about the dads though.  I’ve stumbled across a few funny dad blogs, but they don’t seem to be as plentiful as the mom blogs.  Maybe it’s just coincidence.

My blog is more about whatever pops into my head than it is about being a dad (much of that is interconnected, of course) so maybe that’s what’s going on.  It’s possible that dad’s are out there posting, but the overall theme of their blog may not be about dadhood exclusively.

It’s also possible that many of these moms are stay at home moms and need something to do with themselves from the time the kids leave the house for school and noon, or whatever arbitrary time is has to be before they’re able to convince themselves that it’s ok to start sipping red wine while not vacuuming or dusting anything.

Stay at home moms blogging their wishes that somebody would come and do their housework for them crack me up! 

Hey mom, if you didn’t have the the housework to do, it’s probable that “Hubs” as you like to call us, would send your ever widening hind quarters out into the work force!  Stuff ain’t cheap you know!

And “Hubs” is offensive to me as a dad.  It completely removes any hint of being a dad from his title.  Hubs implies that he is only a husband.  There to serve you, his wife, and make sure that you are forever happy, no matter how impossible the task may be.

Almost all of the Mom’s who blog posts I’ve read have complained at one time or another that they just want 10 minutes of peace and quiet to, brace yourself….poop in peace! 

That’s your wish, ladies?

Hey, guess what?  Dad’s poop too!! 

I don’t mean the dad’s who only have get to be a dad every other weekend and on Wednesdays.  Those men have plenty of time to poop in peace.  I’m talking about us dads who work all day and then come home to the same zoo that you do every night.

When I don’t have to take a second shift and work 5 to 7 more hours in addition to the 8 I’ve already put in, I get the kids home from school or the sitters or wherever and I’m alone with them until the wife gets home from work.

I don’t even have time to take my freakin’ tie off before the kids are yammering on about wanting drinks or that they’re hungry or about having homework or having to go potty or needing their diapers changed or, oh and now the dog is in on the act because she’s been alone all day and now she wants to go out or be fed or whatever!

Once I get the three kids and a dog out of my hair, well two kids and a dog because G$ demands constant attention in the evenings, then I have to figure out what to make for dinner and then cook the bitch.

That’s right ladies, don’t be jealous of my wife, but I cook dinner 98% of the time!

So I cook dinner with my 23 pound toddler on my hip trying to touch flames and hot pots and pans until the wife gets home at some point so I can tag her into ball and chain duty.

Following dinner, I get to clean up the mess.  Granted, my cleaning up is in lieu of bathing and putting the kids to bed, but it still sucks.  When they were little, I was sure that cleaning up dinner was easier than bathing all the little ones, getting them lotioned up, into jammies and then into bed.  Now that they’re a little older, I’m not so sure that I’m not getting hosed with clean up duty.

Anyway, once dinner is finally cleaned up, THEN is my chance to finally hit the head! 

In peace? 

No.

Ace will come down to slide me papers under the door that must be signed.  If I’m really lucky, she’ll need help with her fractions through the door or want to discuss whether she can order school pictures for the third time  in the same school year (WTF is up with that?) or order books for the 10th time through the Scholastic Book Club.  The same books can be had at the library or a store for much less money, but somehow, ordering them through the school is more exciting to the kids.

Once Ace is taken car of, then here come the boys!  Both of them at once, in their pjs, ostensibly to give me a kiss and a hug goodnight while I’m trying to do my business, but really, they’re killing time avoiding bed. 

We have a pocket door that for some reason I can’t get to lock, so the boys just bust right on in with their trucks and motorcycle toys and start playing with the soap and water and toilet paper…COME ON, GIVE DADDY A BREAK!!!!

So anyway, before I can ever get a chance to catch up on my Words With Friends or Ruzzle games, my poop is done and I have to wrangle boys from the bathroom towards the stairs and up to bed.

I get my kisses and my hugs, but I didn’t get my 10 minutes of me time in peace.

I imagine many dads have it pretty similar.  The sad thing is that pooping used to be our domain.  That’s where us men did all of our best thinking and idea creating.

Kids put an end to that.  Dad’s don’t have enough time to catch up on Facebook while they’re in the crapper, let alone find themselves with free time to think of the next great invention.

It could be that the inability of dad’s to poop in peace at home is why the U.S. has fallen behind several other countries on the idea front.

I’d ponder the significance of that hypothesis, but I’ve already finished wiping.

 

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18 Responses to Dad’s poop too…!

  1. cookie1986 says:

    Taking a shit in private is a luxury that i would waste a wish with a genie on somedays. For reals.

  2. Casisrad says:

    Love your blogs!

  3. Pen says:

    Haha. I live alone with only a fur-baby to worry about, so I know not of the demands of parenthood (taking the fur-baby outside to poop and making sure her food and water bowl are full is hardly comparable). But I only recently moved into a place all on my own-some for the first time and it is such a huge change.
    And one of the things I enjoy the most about having no one else in my house is being able to “hang out” in the bathroom, take my time, ponder, and leave the door open 🙂

    I think you’re right and the lack of private poop time is exactly what is destroying America.

    • Enjoy your peaceful pooping, lucky lady! It’s no exageration when I say that it was more difficult to get Jojo through her first year of life than any of the kids except maybe G$. She’d yelp and whine and cry at night and get stuck in things and run off and eat her own turds…she was a handful.

      • Pen says:

        Wow. I guess I got lucky with my brat. She was surprisingly easy. But she followed after my boyfriend’s dog, who is an angel and 5 years old.
        I’ve heard of the turd-eating thing that dogs supposedly do. But I’ve had the luck to never have a dog even attempt that. Rolling in turds, yes. But usually goose turds, not their own.

  4. Learning the hard way says:

    Hubs? who says that? I personally favour your gender neutral, Spouse or coniuge if I’m feeling Italian. There is a whole a lot of domestic whining out there, I grant you (mentally scans her back catalogue of blog rants…phew, just piss takes), but there’s always room for a solid and well considered male response. Bravo, good sir 🙂

  5. rossmurray1 says:

    It gets better. (They move out.)
    And, yeah, all the women bloggers? There seems to be a serious balance, although, as I’ve noted elsewhere, maybe I just gravitate to the women to see what the other side is up to.
    Liked this.

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