My 4 year old son recently called me fat.
With absolutely zero malice intended, he simply asked me in the middle of casual conversation why I was so fat.
My initial reaction was to put down either the cake in my one hand or the beer in the other and slap the shit out of him. I even considered putting both items down so I could choke him Homer Simpson style, but fortunately, my rage quickly subsided and I was left feeling numb.
I was numb because he was right and I had no response. I couldn’t tell him that he’s fat or stupid or ugly, because he’s none of those things. The boy hasn’t even got a set of hips to hold a pair of pants up. He was just calling a spade a spade so to speak. Ah, out of the mouths of babes, right? The little fuckers…
In my mind, I’ve known I’ve been getting fat for the better part of 15 years. A few pounds here, a few there, it adds up.
Sitting on one’s ass eating salted or sweet snacks and sucking down 12 packs of beer will do that to even the best of us formerly thin people.
I thought I could hide it pretty well by simply buying larger clothes, and I could for quite a few years, but it’s gotten beyond that now. It’s no longer hideable. Is hideable a word? I don’t even know that for sure because of all the fat on my brain.
I know it’s bad because I’ve become one of those people who can’t stand the sight of myself in a photograph anymore. I used to be a narcissist when it came to pictures I was in, but now I cringe when I see myself in a photograph.
It ain’t pretty folks. I mean I know a camera adds 10 pounds (it does, right??) but this is ridiculous!
Yay, exercise is fun!
I wasn’t out exercising on purpose here. A neighbor girl left her bike in our garage and I was returning it because it was taking up space where cases of beer could be stored.
I guess I’m lucky that I actually have a pretty good metabolism for a fat guy. I’m also lucky in that I’m not built to be fat. I was built to be medium sized, whatever that means.
I’ve not exercised much in the past 10 years. Add that to the amount of beer and junk food I’ve consumed during the past decade, and I should be somewhere near 300 pounds!
But, if I laced up my running shoes tomorrow, I’d be able to jog 5 miles with little trouble. It wouldn’t be a world record pace, sure, but it still counts. I started running when I was 7. I ran with my parents; they were both joggers. I think all those years running have helped me to just be a fatass today instead of a super fatass.
Now that I’ve outed myself yet again as being a fatty, I feel as though I must do something about it. The wife and I keep talking about getting into better shape, but apparently, talking about getting into shape over a plate of pancakes or pizza isn’t the same as actually doing something about it.
Sometimes we just need a little push to get us moving towards doing something that we know we should be doing already. My boy recognizing that I’m fat along with a new development at work have me motivated to start dropping some pounds.
I’m going to try a realistic plan to lose some weight. My goal is to drop 50 pounds. That’s a shit ton of weight, but I think that’s what I need to do. Sadly, that still leaves me heavier than when I was in the police academy 15 years ago.
What does that mean to you, fair reader? Probably nothing, but I may post about my weekly exercise accomplishments or failures so that you can tell me to quit being a lazy fuck and go run or lift weights or whatever. I’d call you fat and lazy and stupid to help you lose weight, so I hope you’ll all do the same for me.
I’m going to be realistic in my approach, and that starts with this: I’M NOT GIVING UP MY BEER! That’s non negotiable, sorry waistline. I may cut back to 9 per serving instead of 15, but that’s really dependent on the day. Some days just require 15 beers.
I’m also not one of those people who’s going to punish himself by not eating whatever it is I want to eat. Same as with the beer, I’ll try some much better portion control before I give anything up completely. I can survive on 6 tacos instead of 10, right?
So far this is going great!
I plan to jog 4 times a week, just like I did during the miracle of 2011. I ain’t jogging no 6 miles anymore, but I think 12-15 miles a week is doable! Add in a little bit of weight lifting in the basement, and I’m confident that I can lose a few pounds in no time!
So that’s what I’m up to friends.
Please feel free to mock me or encourage me or whatever during my weight loss journey. If you’re lucky, maybe I’ll post some more pictures of myself. If you’re unlucky, they may be shirtless pictures!!
I’ve not had any breakfast this morning and I’m using Splenda instead of sugar in my coffee. I can feel the burn already!
Thank you for your support!
don of all trades 
Once I pop out my spawn we can buddy-diet. You exercise, I’ll starve myself. Teamwork!
Starve yourself? That sounds worse than exercising! You’ll lose the weight just chasing those little ones around.
I cannot mock but you can do this. You have my support and I will ALWAYS welcome shirtless pictures.
You’re not a mocker? Careful what you wish for, it could get ugly! Lol.
Love your approach! I’ll be watching your progress from my couch eating guacamole and chips and slurping on my Sangrias. 🙂
Great, now I’ll have guacamole dip on my brain all afternoon! Thanks for that! Knowing that you’ll be watching my progress is great motivation, even if you will be laughing at me the whole time.
Haha – Look at the back tire on the Barbie bike!!
Oh, wait – I’m supposed to be supportive, aren’t I?!
50 pounds?? Holy crap! That’s gonna suck!
Crap – Back to not being supportive, huh?
Good luck! That sissy Bud Light Lime that you drink should help, at least… 😉
At least he doesn’t have turkey legs!!!! ……. yet
You can do it Don!! I have utter faith in you … Where is your buddy the Son of God when you need him? He could probably slim you down right quick!
Turkey legs?? Oh god, my legs used to be one of my best features, right? Lol. I’m feeling the motivation with each comment!
You should look into motivational speaker as a future career option and that little girl did a crappy job of keeping air in the tire!!!
I am unusually optimistic and motivational, aren’t I??
I totally figured that’s what the problem with the tire was!
Good luck with it! I recently had a similar eye-opener to my own weight gain, so it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Lucky you, you can still jog!
Lucky indeed! I hope I can anyway. My feet got a touch of plantar fasciitis after that half marathon a couple of years ago, but I’m hoping by not running 10 miles at a time that I can avoid such suffering!
Woot woot Don! I fully support The Beer and Exercise Diet. I’ve tried everything under the sun, and it’s definitely true that giving up the things you love is just a recipe for failure. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble at all – and heads-up: Your wife will hate you when you lose weight at twice the speed with half the effort.
Go Don Go!
Thanks, Jules! I hope to be as fly looking as you are one day. I may get the wife on board with this too so she can really despise me!
I feel your pain. I’ve been realizing in the past few weeks that even my fat clothes are starting to get too tight. And I refuse to go out and buy bigger clothes, so time to hop back on the healthy eating band wagon. Dammit.
Wearing 3X shirts has become a bit ridiculous to me, but it’s where I’m at because I like my shirts to fit loosely. Get on that band wagon! We can do it!
I am sending you a kielbasi on a string and a treadmill, post haste chubs..
That’s my girl!
I am a good friend, indeed.
Reblogged this on Knocked over by a feather and commented:
Just because it cracked me the hell up…
Thanks merbear! I’m glad my fat made you laugh!
It really did.
Before you go getting all skinny, could you please, for the love of God, please, put on a bear costume and ride the Barbie bike one more time? Then, your work as a fatty will be done and you skinny it up all you want.
That bear costume does sound pretty hilarious, but it also sounds expensive to rent. I’ll ask around though. For you, my friend.
Light beer is actually very useful when dieting. Not many calories at all and it makes you feel full.
I’m hoping that works. I tend to get hungry when I drink my beer, but that’s due in part to not eating but once or twice a day. So you’re saying to drink more light beer? Done!
I think that the tiny pink bike makes any extra weight one carries un-hideable. Maybe if you get some Jesus beer, it will speed up your weight loss process. Good luck to you!!
The bike totally makes me look fat!
Good for you! Stay determined!
Gotta get the body to synch up with the brain and we’ll have something! Thank you!
Do NOT skip breakfast, you’ll fuck up your metabolism and then you’ll only have to sniff a beer mat or eat a wine gum to put on pounds of flab….
agreed–NEVER skip breakfast or ANY MEAL: starving teaches your body to Store MORE FAT!!! BAD idea!
Don, if you like, you can have a weekly weigh in on here, and JayNine and I can praise/rip the shit out of you, whichever is applicable, what do you think? 😉
OK NOW after reading all comments in a row; my side hurts from laughter! 😉 haha Be sure to come over to my ‘j9sopinion’ soon. Ill share my weight woes eventually. Warning: will not be as funny as the don here !!
I’ll look forward to reading all about it! 🙂
My life is full of bad ideas!
U r no longer alone bahahaha
And I like the sound of the weigh in! Jay9 is more of an optimistic praiser than a ripper, so you may have to do the brunt of the ripping. God bless you both for any help I can get.
HA ure comments kill me sir. I thank you for the smiles n chuckles you provide. J9
I only eat breakfast on Sundays, but I’m going to start tomorrow! Thank you!
Welcome x
I think you’re an amazing man for sharing so honestly. It is not easy. Your comic sense of humor should assist you on the down days and I’m sure you can count on your readers for some good ole ‘fun-making’ & we’ll get that ass in gear! I look up to you. I have the opposite weight issues–gaining is a severe issue and under the humor for us both, its a serious matter. My children say stuff too. Jerks…lol 😉 Anything you WANT to work and stay diligently focused at, WILL work. Advice: remain ‘WILLING’–even if you lose your ‘willingness’ pray (–or chant, meditate, curse, swear, decide, whatever…) for the ‘willingness’ to return! Don’t Quit, like the old writing says. Don’t You Ever Quit! especially on yourself. We ALL believe in you 😉 J9 !
Kids suck! I wasn’t born to be rail thin, but I definitely ain’t supposed to be fat either. I’d much rather be trying to gain weight than lose it though. I know I can do that!
LOL! Dont let the skinny people fool you–this is a dark side of the tracks as well! I am just proud of you for sharing with us. Its given me the strength to consider opening up about my own weight issues. It just might help someone else speak up; as you have helped me! We’re on the same team buddy 😉
one last thing:: when hungry and its not ‘time to eat’ by whatever course you use; eat ‘zero’s’–foods with ‘0 calories’ veggies mainly but fruits too. Over n Out Boy Scout!
Will do! Thanks for the tip.
I’d like to take this opportunity to one-up ya… my boss asked me if I was pregnant. I’m not. I’m just getting fatter. You’d think this would be enough motivation to set me on the path of excessive exercise and near starvation diet. I lost steam pretty quick and am back to half-assedly working out on occasion and cutting out the odd snack.
Holy crap, is your boss still breathing? Even I know not to go there with a woman! All that trailer christening will get you back in shape in no time.
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Good for you. Three years ago I had worked my way down to about 170 lbs. Then I quit… cold turkey… and now I’m up to about 210 lbs. Looking forward to hearing about your success. Maybe it will get my lazy ass back on the weight bench.
170? Holy smokes, I think I weighed that when I was in great shape playing soccer in college. I’d take 210 at this point as well. Thanks for the encouragement, I really need to do this, if nothing else so as not to be the fat dad that my kids are ashamed of! Lol.
Go get em Don! Eat breakfast! Eat oatmeal and fruit. Eat produce with every meal and snack. Move everyday. Of course I do some of these and would like to lose another 10 in the next month or so. I have to put down the wine bottle. I feel your pain. I think you look adorable on the Barbie bike.
And um hello??? http://somethingfathappened.wordpress.com/how-fat-happened/
Than you, ma’am! And you weren’t THAT bad! At least you had large breasts. Some large women have tiny boobs! How freaky is that?
If the camera adds 10 pounds, how many cameras were on you? (Friends reference) just kidding. I look forward to thing your progress.
Ha, poor Monica. She turned out pretty hot though. Thanks for the follow, I hope to lose this weight right in front of your very eyes!
My boyfriend is also trying to lose weight. The struggle to find clothes in the average store is why did it for him. His big to-do was sacrificing his daily Dr. Pepper to the health gods.
My advice, which I can give since I’m an expert at going from fatty to not fat, is do NOT skip meals. Eat smaller snacks throughout the day to keep your metabolism going. Keep an eye on your portion size. Fill up on veggies and fruits instead of tons of carbs and meat, and drink water.
You were a portly young lady, so you’re entitled to give all the advice you want! I do the same about parenting. I have three kids, so I’m an expert! I do plan to follow your advice though and start eating breakfast.
I’m going to keep my reply simple.
Dude, you got this!
Thanks, Boss! Were I not so lazy and weak willed, I’d be able to do it pretty easily!
Some added motivation…..
Actually, I totally LOVE this guy, he doesn’t give a shit! I could use me some of that self love and he has it in spades!
If only we could all love ourselves like this man! He’s like a fat ghetto woman who just knows “I looks good!”
Got some moves too! 🙂
I’ve gotten fat since I started this blog last july. I seriously need to get my butt in gear too.
Are you blaming your blog for your portliness? I’m sure you’re quite not fat, but whatever.
Right now I am. I wasn’t when I started. I’m sure I won’t be again soon.
It took me forever to scroll through all the comments. Very nice post. So excited for you to start running again. I enjoy running and maybe we can compare notes along the way!!
People must like exercise related posts as i’ve gotten the most likes ever! Lets do it!
Yes, I’m all too familiar with the need to lose weight. 50 lbs is a lot, but men can just do one stupid thing (like eat 6 tacos instead of 10) and they lose 20 lbs in a day. Seriously. Try being married to someone who is always trying to gain weight. It sucks. I’ve lost 17 lbs in the past 2 months. Haven’t wanted to blog about it because I still want to lose at least 20 more….but it takes a LONG time a buttload of will power. Good luck!
Long time and willpower?? Well fuck, I may quit before I start. Being fat is new to me. I don’t much care for it.
Yeah, it’s no fun. But, at least you are a guy and society finds it more acceptable! Yes I’m pulling the feminist card, but YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE!
Nobody wants to ride a fat broad, that’s true!
Good for you! My husband lost over 130 lbs within a year simply by adjusting his diet and exercising (to be fair, he’s not much for alcohol, but he DID give up soda). Me, I lost 50 during that time. Unfortunately, I’ve gained some of it back, so I’m having to get back on my workout plan. I just started this week. 😉
Wow, that’s great what you guys have lost. Your husband lost a whole person! He must feel tons better. Soda is nearly as bad as beer. Good luck to you; I’m sure you can lose it again!
Thanks. And yes, he did. It’s a good thing, too, because last year he wound up having 3 surgeries that required he be sedated. The doctors said he’d significantly improved his odds of survival and lack of complications in losing the weight.
Hey Don you fat ass!!!! You can do it buddy, but I hear ya on the beer. I’ve been forced to hang up the drinking shoes for the most part these past two months and I lost like 15 pounds. It sucks. It’s like cheating. But I’ll be back to drinking again soon. Cheers to your quest.
Thanks, Dimmy. I hate to hear you’re not drinking regular enough. What sort of example are you setting for your kid?
I know right?! It’s always good to dry the liver out every now and again I suppose. But man, a beer or 16 right now sure would be nice. Soon enough, sho nuff.
I cannot believe your son harshed your mellow like that — totally inappropriate little dude! But, putting the harshness of the truth aside, you’ve totally got this diet thing in the bag. I’m a huge proponent of the eat what you want (in moderation) and then exercise like a fiend approach.
At first, running and lifting is going to suck. But, eventually, it’ll become a habit. And, then, magically it will become something you actually look forward to doing every day. And its always good to add something you love to your day. If she’s up for it, try running with your wife. My husband and I go for a jog around our neighborhood together most nights after work — it gives us a chance to spend 20-30 minutes actually talking to each other and we burn some calories while we’re at it. Maybe the little guy can tag along on his bike and you can make family exercise time part of everyone’s routine.
That’s awesome that you guys run together. Our hood is mostly giant hills!! I’m going to try to get momma involved too so we push each other. Should be fun! Thanks for giving me something to look forward to!
I hope you re-inflated that tire after you returned that bike. If you need some motivation by demotivational methods, I am your man.
Hey I hear food poisoning is a great weight loss plan. If you need some I can hook you up with a recipe.
Good luck hoss.
Food poisoning….hmmm, that sounds much better than my smoking crack idea. Crackheads are rarely fat, but I’ve got an addictive personality!
Thanks for your encouragement.
Crack will make lose teeth too. And hair. And money.
Ohh man! Sometimes kids are just too damned honest!! Well I wish you tons of luck; just try not to go back & find whatever it is that you lose!
The truth hurts, but the kids don’t care. Thanks for the well wishes!
Once again, it’s the Don Re twist – this time – dieting. I think you should set up a competition with McK alums. Just a thought. And, I know your ass can run 13.1 again……
Hmmm, that might be fun, and I always enjoy an excuse to go to Ron’s Lounge for a cold one!
I’m with you. I lost weight, then as soon as I took another desk job, it came back. It’s hard to be motivate. Best of luck. Best wishes! I’ll meet you at the next 5k. Hopefully.
A desk job didn’t help me either. Thanks for the well wishes! See you at a run!
Definitely.. Let’s make it fun! Lets do a mud run! Obstacle challenge!
Kudos!!! 12-15 miles a week sounds completely doable 🙂 Consider me a cheerleader on the sidelines on this one 🙂
You’re sweet, thank you! I’ll try not to let you down with my laziness.
Wow, take a look at how weight loss fires up folk!
I know, right!? I thought tha, hey, you mean it isn’t me it’s the topic??
Nah, you have a definitive fan base, but you clearly touched a nerve with this one. Maybe you have to rethink your whole blog focus and concentrate on Donofhealth?
I notice you didn’t suggest donofgoodhealth. I like that, in case it goes horribly horribly wrong. Lol.
I can’t get to my favoritest Aussie’s blog again. What’s up with that?
Awwww, I just noticed this one! I’ve been a bit preoccupied. Thanks for noticing my absence though x
You can do it! I’m the same – I refuse to give up sticky date pudding. Life just isn’t worth living without it. Have your beer and enjoy it!
I’d probably suggest having breakfast though…Skipping meals isn’t a great idea. Besides, a nice breakfast gets your metabolism working. Have a damn bowl of yogurt at the least!
You’re not the first to say to avoid skipping meals so I’m going to take that advice. Even if it’s only a damn bowl of yogurt! Thank you!
very funny.. and you know what to do. it ain’t easy but once you get started.. well, it still ain’t easy. but every step counts, and every taco you don’t eat, counts as well. i’m rooting for you!
Thank you ma’am. Some of your play by play runs were sort of inspirational to my trying to get back on track with running, so do keep posting them! Lol. I ran 4 miles yesterday! It sucked ass!
so glad! and 4 miles is great. sadly, it always sucks ass. just have to think, the faster i go, the faster it ends!
Ok. I got the ABSOLUTE FOOLPROOF way to lose weight. Just get your doctor to put a whole bunch of stitches in your soft palate. Eating or drinking anything hurts like a MF’er. I haven’t had real food in 9 days! Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh! 🙂 Or you could get big posters of supermorbidobese people and put them wherever temptation lies. That is probably a less painful option…..
I’m fascinated by supermorbidobese people! Fascinated! Maybe I’ll try to find some of those posters! The other suggestion sounds more painful and like it may hinder my drinking too.
Too true–alcohol numbs but burns the heck out of my mouth. Although once the numb hits I am much happier! Poor supermorbidobese people, you are a Bad Man.
Well, I think you’re fabulous, and as someone who is…ahem…husky….I like to think my humor is in my adipose tissue (fat cells, for the lay person.)
I would also like the photo of you on the Barbie bike to be your new online persona.
As long as you don’t lose your funny, you’ll be good. And don’t give up beer. Let’s not get crazy!
Did I see you’re a St. Louis attorney? That’s funny. I know several of them!
Uh oh….yes, I am! Although my name as an attorney is different than my real name…so as to keep my incognito identity.
Geez, now I must resist the urge to ask where you went to high school and where your favorite toasted raviolis are sold. Small world.
I did not grow up in STL, so the high school question is a lost cause. And I love t-ravs pretty much wherever they are sold. And now all I can think about is t-ravs.
Well then I’ll pray that some Non smoking, smoking hot Italian gentleman (I’m from the Hill so I’m partial) driving a t-ravs delivery truck is struck by your boobs and thighs and tries desperately to get your attention on the freeway. Carefully of course.
You know me so well! The trucker needs to be careful and classy, and have extra dipping sauce.
Extra dipping sauce…GIGGITY!! lol.
I wanted to slap the shit out of my mirror the other day too. Fucker.
May the tacos not be with you.
Yeah, mirrors are totally fuckers! Thanks! I do love me some tacos, but they tend to stay with me. They like to hang with beer in my midsection. They are also fuckers.
I love me some delightful bits of saturated fit, but they also seem to gather at the waistline. Also big bad fuckers. Don’t try it.
Don’t skip meals !! Worst way to lose weight. (This is encouragement by the way)
You are fat. You are lazy. You are stupid.
Thinner yet? 😉 (It’s like the anti-The Help mantra, yes?).
I’m there with you. I STILL haven’t lost my baby weight . . . from my 5 year old. Probably can’t keep calling it baby weight anymore, huh? Especially since it’s gained about 30 pounds of fatty friends since he was born. I am the biggest I’ve ever been sans pregnancy, and I’m about 5 lbs away from not being able to add that last part. So, basically what I’m saying is this:
I’m fat. I’m lazy. I’m stupid.
Let’s do this thing . . .
Thank you for calling me fat, lazy and stupid. I wasn’t really buying it I guess since you didn’t use any exclamation marks. My wife used to call her baby fat baby fat. How old does the youngest have to be before it’s just fat? Lol, you women…
Don,
Just weighing in here… You not getting any younger so make sure you stretch that foot. I have the same problem, of which, I can rid on anyone else but myself. I find a tennis ball works great for rolling the kinks out of your foot. Also make sure you are flexing your ankles because you want to make sure you do not tear your Achilles tendon.
Try eating more often, if revs up your metabolism.
As far as exercise, I have never liked jogging; it is too painful. I like martial arts, dancing or riding my bike. I have a great course through my neighborhood that I do most days that is 20 miles.
And being a shorty, if I even put on a pound or two everyone can tell.
Oh yeah, and watch the artificial sweeteners they can often work against you. You can try agave and stevia (plant based) natural sweeteners.
My hubby and I have a goal to lose 10% of our body weight. He on doctors orders, me to do it with him.
Juju
ps: You have a fun group of followers
They are great people, you included. I have taken your tennis ball advice to keep my feet loose. Injury is a sure way to get me to quit. Also, thanks for the reminder that I’m not getting any younger. I needed that since i didn’t feel like shit already! Lol.
Oh my gahhhhd fatty gonna lose some weight is the best title on the internet. Ever. This post is hilarious in 9,000 ways as ALWAYS. I especially loved: I think all those years running have helped me to just be a fatass today instead of a super fatass. Bahhahaha – also any time someone calls kids little fuckers I’m IN. I’ve been saying since last October that I’m going to start P90X and I keep NOT doing it, but you’ve inspired me. I’m one step closer to starting. After I finish this glass of wine and put away the potato chips. Looking forward to reading about your progress – pics or it’s not happening!!! You’re my hero – you can do it!!!
Thanks, Molly, I love you too! Lol. I have P90X dvds in my basement collecting dust, if you need them. I tried it for 6 minutes and was like “what the fuck? You skinny people are crazy!” It didn’t work out so well for me, but I’m sure you’ll do great!
Man, you are so freaking funny. I definitely want to see some weight loss updates and so I don’t miss them, I’m subscribing to your blog, so they come to my inbox. And I’m curious as to the change at work that’s making you want to lose weight.
Hold up. How do I subscribe via email if I’m not on WordPress? I tried clicking that button and it took me to a WordPress thingy. Crap.
Did it work?
I got something in my inbox, but it was the same thing I got when I clicked the button. I’ll see if it works when you post again.
Yay, I finally got into your box!
So far the weight loss hasn’t been going well, mostly because I’ve been drinking for three straight days, but it’ll come! The work thing is still sort of under wraps until it’s made official I guess. It’s nothing good though, unfortunately.
Gives new meaning to the word “carbo-loading.”
No mocking going on here. I’ve been struggling with this all my life and, while we Fatty McFatty’s tend to be funny, the extra weight is never a laughing matter. Good luck on your quest for good health. You can do it! I’ve fallen off the wagon in a major way, and you’re inspiring me to get back on it.
Lol, oh that don is inspiring to anyone! I’ve still not started this in earnest, but tomorrow is the Monday that I will for real. For real this time! Thanks, Peg and good luck to you on reaching whatever goals you set for yourself too!
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Aw man, that is just brutal.. made me laugh outloud and spray dorito dust all over myself though! Maybe Ill just.. put those away now.. Loving your blog!
Kara, Doritos are the crack of the snack world, so if you’re snorting them dust and all from the bottom of the bag while crying that you hate yourself, I understand completely! I’m glad to have you aboard with me though, thanks a bunch.